Ok, well apparently it is a good thing that my brother is not as immature as my parents. I talked to him today. My dad has now had TWO surgeries. Apparently he was having circulation problems in his legs. They had to put stints in. The first surgery went well, but the second one didn't. They ended up having to put two very large stints in and keep him overnight to make sure he didn't bleed to death.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But I would think if you are using the word "death" you would put aside your own problems and let your daughter know about it.

I sent the NC letter about two weeks ago. OM keeps calling and leaving messages. First it was he didn't understand what was going on. Now he is telling me that he loves me, wants to marry me, he needs me ... blah blah blah.

I don't want to call him to tell him to stop, because that would mean I would have to talk to him, and I don't want to do that. For whatever reason, it makes me uneasy to think of my H calling him though.

I mean, clearly OM is not being completely rational right now, so who knows what he would say. If he said things that were true, I wouldn't worry because I have been honest with my H. But he hasn't been respectful of what I asked, so why would he be respectful in talking to my H? What is to stop him from embellishing or making things up just to hurt my H?

I have been honest with my H every time OM contacts me, and my H hasn't done anything about it. But when I told him this morning, he told me to give him OM's number. When I told my H that I wanted to handle this the best way for US and that I wanted to talk to someone, he said we didn't need to do that. I needed to give him the number or he was going to get it from an old cell phone bill. My H refused to listen to me, and I felt very disrespected. I am trying to get my H to understand that I am not trying to protect OM ... I am only trying to protect him.

What should I do?

I have so much going on in my life right now that I feel like I am going to completely break down.

I mean, obviously everything with my H is pretty emotionally draining (for him, too, I know).

One of my best friends, the person who has been my accountability partner over the past three months seems to directing all her attention elsewhere because I am just not as convenient anymore.

My father has had two surgeries and my family won't talk to me.

I just found out recently that one of my friends was raped.

And now another friend told me tonight that her boyfriend was sexually abusive to her. She got pregnant and he forced her to have an abortion. He then left her right after that. She has gone into a depression as a result of this and has had to take a medical leave of absence from work.

It is all just so much to take in and right now more than ever, I really need some good strong support. I no longer have it in my best friend. I clearly get nothing from my family. And I know I can't expect that from my H. The support I get here is good, but sometimes I feel like I need that physical presence.

Jesus! what a Friend for sinners!
Jesus! Lover of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me,
He, my Savior, makes me whole.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.

Jesus! what a Strength in weakness!
Let me hide myself in Him.
Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing,
He, my Strength, my victory wins.

Jesus! what a Help in sorrow!
While the billows over me roll,
Even when my heart is breaking,
He, my Comfort, helps my soul.

Jesus! what a Guide and Keeper!
While the tempest still is high,
Storms about me, night overtakes me,
He, my Pilot, hears my cry.

Jesus! I do now receive Him,
More than all in Him I find.
He hath granted me forgiveness,
I am His, and He is mine.

Thanks, STOW. I know that God will never leave my side in all of this.

I just wish that He would also put someone in my path that could help.

Interesting. My H called me today to tell me about his golf tournament that he played in today (which apparently didn't go well). But the great part for me was that he told me he always seems to miss me when he is playing golf.

I need to get that boy out on the course more often! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Cinny, I know you are a believer. I thought you might enjoy a devotion I wrote this morning.

Numbers 20:8-12 (The Message)
8"Take the staff. Assemble the community, you and your brother Aaron. Speak to that rock that's right in front of them and it will give water. You will bring water out of the rock for them; congregation and cattle will both drink." 9Moses took the staff away from GOD's presence, as commanded. 10He and Aaron rounded up the whole congregation in front of the rock. Moses spoke: "Listen, rebels! Do we have to bring water out of this rock for you?" 11With that Moses raised his arm and slammed his staff against the rock--once, twice. Water poured out. Congregation and cattle drank. 12GOD said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you didn't trust me, didn't treat me with holy reverence in front of the People of Israel, you two aren't going to lead this company into the land that I am giving them."

Moses had brought forth water once before by striking a rock as God had commanded him. But notice this time God only said speak to the rock. Moses was so flustered by the situation that he took control. Moses thought he was in power so he struck the rock believing that he was the one bringing forth the water with the staff.

Do you ever just take control when things start getting out of hand? I'm talking about personal life where we find ourselves flustered and things seem spiraling away from us. We attempt to control, we attempt to set things in order, we attempt to change others, we even attempt to be god like in our thoughts. God wants us to allow him to be in control and work through us. Pray that you will set aside your own will, your control and allow God to do that which He purposes. Put aside your thoughts of wanting to control everything and let God take over. You will be amazed at how much better He is at handling your life.

AskMe,

Thanks. I never really realized how much I have always desired to be in control of things until just recently. My A was me trying to take control of my unhappiness (obviously not in a good direction) and there have definitely been times where I have tried to control my current sitch, too. People tell me that I need to relinquish control to my H. I can agree that maybe at times my H needs to feel more in control of where we are, but honestly we both need to relinquish control to God and let HIM work.

Hey, you picked up on that rather quickly. Guess what, we think we can be in control....but we can't. Ultimately God is in control of everything.

I hope God will continue to work in your life and bless your efforts to restore your marriage. I would love to see a young couple as yourselves become a blessing to others.

I have been able to see ways in which God has already blessed my efforts. I can look at some of my earlier posts and I am continually transforming into the woman I believe God wants me to be.

I am sure if I had read your devo about two months ago, I certainly wouldd not have picked up what you were saying quite so quickly!

It's been a few days since I have posted. H invited me over last night for dinner and a movie and that was good.

But today, his friend called me and told me he had someone interested in the house and H wanted to come over tomorrow to do some yard work. Only I don't want to sell our house. So that was really hard for me to hear. My whole body just felt numb.

I want the house, and I want my H in it.

H apparently made an appointment to have someone come and look at the house today.

I couldn't even drag myself out of bed until around 2. I don't want this. I don't know what to do.

Ugh. So sorry.

Yesterday was a crazy awful rollercoaster with some very high "highs" and some very low "lows."

The house thing made me feel incredibly depressed. Thank goodness the person who wanted to look at the house never called and never came by. H got invited to somewhat of a dinner party and I got to go along. He also got invited to a halloween party, and I even got invited too (this was thrown by a friend who, for a while, wouldn't even talk to me and pretty much encouraged H to go through with the D).

So I went with my H to his friend's house for dinner, and aside from getting a migraine, had a lot of fun. We were supposed to go the halloween party afterwards, but H decided he would rather just go back to where he was staying at watch a movie. I was beginning to think that the day would be full of "highs" after the house scare that morning.

On the way back to where H was staying, H realized he didn't have his golf clubs (he left his car at the house and he is playing this morning) and so he asked if I would wake up early and meet him on the other side of town so that he could get his clubs. I gladly agreed. And then he brought up Thanksgiving. He said he wanted to go out to Maryland and asked what I thought of it. I told him I didn't think it would be a good idea because it wouldn't be very beneficial to us at all. Then he told me "I wasn't asking you, I was telling you." Interesting how earlier in the day he told me about something Jennifer C. had said to back up something that he wanted, when Jennifer C. had also told us that we shouldn't travel separately unless it was necessary and we POJA'd it. H apparently likes to use Jennifer's advice when it is convenient for him.

And then he completely changed when we got inside. We watched some TV and he put his head in my lap. He wanted to go to bed, and he asked me to come with him. He asked me to stay and said he would borrow his friend's clubs for his round in the morning and he would have me bring him his clubs for the afternoon round. And then, for the first time ever in our life, he fell asleep with his arm around me and my head on his chest. I had always wanted to sleep like that but it never happened.

He woke up at 3 this morning upset because he realized that he was going to be using someone else's clubs and he was really upset about it. He had mentioned waking up early and driving back to get his car and then leaving from there. But I knew that he doesn't like waking up any earlier than he has to, so at almost 4 am, I drove the 40 minutes back to the house to get his clubs. Part of the reason for doing that was because I still have both cars which means I will get to see him again today.

I keep doing everything I can to make that man happy. Hopefully one day he will realize that and he will come home.

H happened to have his planner sitting on the front seat of the car, and I saw that he had written some notes in it. It was hard to read, especially the last part.

"Challenge with family/parents
-More than willing to tackle before
-Now will it ever be good enough/right enough with us to have to go through that

Overall lack of feelings for her
-Thought that before, if sex started to work, it would make everything so much better
-Now that it does, it doesn't make things better
-Most of the time, I don't even desire it"

After having read the last part, every time we have sex, I keep thinking "he doesn't even desire this" even though he is often the one who initiates it.

It is also hard for me to think that he doesn't know if our relationship is worth having to tackle reconciliation with his family (on my part).

Cinny, are you out there? Long time no post!
MSA/NTL

It has been a while. I have been really stressed at work and feeling quite depressed because of the constant ups and downs of my relationship with my H. I just haven't had enough energy to really do much of anything lately.

Just know I keep you in my prayers. I am sure there are many others praying for you. No matter what happens, God always has a plan for your life.

Well, things seem to have gotten worse last night. Feeling the way I have been lately, I decided to go see a psychiatrist. Yesterday, I did and he diagnosed me with a form of depression. I was really hesitant to tell my H because of the way he would react. Turns out I was right. I ended up telling him and he was frustrated and was worried about how this would affect him. Not once did he seem at all sympathetic. He just said that he thought I would use this as an excuse not to work on things (as if this was something that suddenly came up and I didn't have it for the past two months when I was working incredibly hard to repair things). He was completely unsupportive and made this all about him. This, of course, just made me feel even worse about myself.

Cinny, your husband needs to read up on depression. He obviously is young and does not understand its affects. It's normal for someone who is going through the turmoil you have been going through to possibly experience a certain amount of it and seeing a psychiatrist was the right thing to do. In the long run of things it will be more beneficial to your marriage because it will help you be able to deal with your emotions if you are on medication to treat the depression. Just know there are those of us here who will support you and there is no need to feel bad about yourself for what you did.