WS has come and picked up clothes for the week. In my gut, I cannot plan A when he is not here. He says he just doesn't want to fight anymore, and I told him I have no fight left in me. But he is gone so I wished him peace and that I hope he finds what he is looking for.

So do I go to immediate plan B? That is where I feel I should be. We don't need to communicate about the kids, they are out of town for a week. I feel like I should go ahead and start preparing the house for sale, he says that would be jumping the gun-I don't know that he is the best person for me to take advice from right now.

He says there is still NC, it is not very believable, I don't know if I even care enough to try to find out. I am pretty close to done. If it is that hard of a choice that I must not mean anything. I may be wrong for giving up, but right now, I just need to build new habits for myself. Obsessing over where and who WS is with is not a habit I want in the next phase of my life.

Jean, yes you do continue Plan A. And the biggest component of Plan A is EXPOSURE. Your H has moved out so he can carry on his affair unimpeded. Your best hope is to bust up this affair, and the best way to do that is EXPOSE them. Starting with having his followed and informing the OWH. You don't "obsess" over who he is with, you go and find out who he is with so you can bust them. It is your job to make the affair as uncomfortable as possible by continually splashing the light of the day on it. That is ruinous to the affair. That is your job.

This is FAR from over, Jean, so don't even be talking about selling houses. This just started and you have your work cut out for you.

I think I may be at the point where I have read the job description and I am just not sure that the potential pay off is there. I try, try , try to think of him as my sick husband that needs help getting out of the hole. But, for my own sanity, I am starting to see him as a selfish a-hole with very little potential to ever meet my EN's.

Putting up with the crap that I have been has made me carefully examine my standards. I may get another surge of "save the marriage" gumption, but right now, I just need a break. This is definately not work for the wimpy.

I did call the mystery # yesterday, no answer and no coice mail set up so I still have no idea. I'll try again after a few days to see if the voice mail gets set up. I did go by one potential business, but it was the wrong one. I can go to find out about OWH business license tomorrow. I will have to wait and see if I care anymore tomorrow than I do today. But, there is also that issue of the given name (Asian name) vs the name he goes by. I "know" there Americanized names, not their legal names (they may be different).

Right now, I have no idea where he is. He was kind yesterday at least. I was not at home when he came by to pick up his clothes. He said "this is not the way I wanted this to happen". Seems to me that he is calling all the shots here as far as where he sleeps.

Maybe I will care more tomorrow, today, I am in need of peace of mind for myself.

Oh, a funny thing happened yesterday. He did not come home Friday night at all. I had asked him to let me know if he was coming home as a courtesy-he didn't, he said it would have started a fight.

So Sat AM, I really was NOT stalking him, I missed my turn and ended up having to take a detour. I happened to pass by him sitting in a parking lot on the phone! I would think he would have had to have seen me, it was a slow road and we were 100ft from each other, and it appeared that he saw me.

But, he didn't metion it. I think maybe it is good if he thinks I do know exactely where he is. Maybe that is why he left, he thinks I know where he spent the night!

Well Jean, no one could blame you if you did throw in the towel, you are certainly entitled. But ask yourself this: is he being an a**hole because he is in the throes of an addictive affair or has he always been like this? Why did you fall in love with him? Because if this is not his normal personality, then you might consider fighting for your marriage because you CAN have your real H back.

I am not good at sympathy, but wanted you to know I feel badly this is happening to you and we are here to help you. This is not hopeless, Jean! We see cases far worse than this end up in happy, productive marriages if you ALLOW us to help you.

I do appreciate your "tough love" and lack of sympathy. This is a character building experience for sure.

That is what I am trying to figure out now. Is he an [censored] or an alien. I am trying to look objectively at the M and figure out whether my EN's were ever met. I realized that I have always looked to my social circle for my warm fuzzies. DH used to respect me and was glad I was his wife, but I am not sure that he ever liked me. I have not expected enough from my marriage, and he saw that as me being content with a half-a$$ed romance.

I am really beginning to think that even if the alien leaves, my DH may not be the man for me. He told me that the only thing we have in common is sex and the kids. We had a great sex life and we agree passionately about the kids (homeschooling and what not). I thought- those are two of the big issues that cause divorce so that sound workable to me.

I just don't know what he has ever wanted. I have asked for info on how to meet his EN's. He says no one else has ever asked for instructions, they just "knew" how to fulfill him. I asked him to contemplate that it is easy to meet EN's in the honeymoon period.

I just need to get OK with marital demise right now. I will probably get all fired up again, but for the past two day, I have just been working on my own spiritual relationship and getting right with myself. Because when the fat lady sings, it is all just me and the mirror, right?

You are one smart lady, Jean, and I think you are on the right track. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jean you're getting some great advice. I would only amend your singing lady statement above to say it's you, the mirror and ALL of us! Near and far, we're here for you.

Sally