Moved from the "Just found out" board regarding "My wife is cheating" posts.

I have only exposed the A to my parents. I am not sure that was such a good idea, because now I am taking some heat from them. I have no idea who the OM is so I can't expose anything on his side. My W has told a couple close friends of the A, I beleive looking for approval. I think she is "happy" with the OM and wants to tell her friends about him. For the most part their response has been shock because this is totally out of character for her.
I have not exposed the A to her parents or family.

I live in California. California is a "No fault" state.
This state has no provision stating the parent with the kids has to stay in the state. I call it the "its in the best interest of the kids" rule. If she bought a house and moved out of state "its in the best interest of the kids".
If she got a new job out of state "its in the best interest of the kids". If she took child support money and bought a new car "its in the best interest of the kids". Get the picture.

smc, the first thing you must do is arm yourself for battle. Your enemy is the affair. You arm yourself with information, which you can use as a weapon against the affair when you EXPOSE. Exposure is your most potent weapon. Until you find out who he is and get some basic information, you are stuck.

That is the first part of Plan A, the second is avoiding lovebusters and doing your best to meet her needs. A huge mistake that betrayed spouses make upon discovery is pushing the wayward spouse away with angry, explosive behavior. That only serves to help the affair, not the marriage. Please read the link in my signature about Plan A.

I would also suggest getting your hands on the book, Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley.

Do you have kids? How long married?

Stick around, you're going to need the support.

I always remember all newbies on this board in my prayers.

Can you hire a Private Investigator?


Be strong,
Swords

SMC,

Sorry u have t/b here but here is where support c/b helpful.

As for CA, their rules are not always in favor of the BS and family. CA rules are primarily based on income. The one who makes more $$ is the one who pays for the D and it's support bills. I am the BS who is a W but in CA, since I was the higher wage earner, the WS would have been able to collect support.

Now what I had in my favor was being a good mother, so alimony vs child support almost evened out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, if you let us know whether you are from Norther, Central or Southern CA, there are MBs who may be able to help. There are some fathers here who have even in CA been able to get custody of their children. They may have had to pay some for it but in the end, their children were safer with the BS than the WS. Even if the WS was a former good mom.

L.

smc,

Read your thread in Just Found Out...

Good job on managing your temper and your LBs! Way to go!

Mel is right. You need to expose. If your W is involved with a colleague or a client, maybe your second exposure stop is her company? Is the OM someone your W is working with on this project? Is that why it's long distance when she goes on site? Is one of the friends your W confided in able to tell you anything about OM?

Sally

Hi, Orchid. Excellent advice, as usual, for smc!

Yep, still around. Still at old addy, but 2 'puters later, lost yours!

Take care.

Sorry SMC, gotta give Lupolady my addy....

Hey LL..... here's my addy: mborchid2'at'yahoo'dot'com

How'ya bean!??!!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you everyone for the posts
Let me answer some questions.
My W and I have been married for 10 yrs we dated for four.
We have 2 daughters ages 2 and 5. I live in Southern Ca.
My W makes more money than I do. The OM is working at the project site and works for another company. Good idea on maybe speaking with her supervisor as this could be considered a "conflict of interest" in the eyes of her company. As far as hiring a private eye, I don't know. I'm not sure if I can afford someone like that. I checked his phone number, which is unlisted I figure its his company phone anyway.
As far as custody of the kids, the way I see it. If I get custody she loses because I have the kids and get child support and maybe alimony. If she gets the kids she loses because she may have to give up her job that she loves because she would,nt be able to go on the trips and spend as much time at work as she does now.
If she moved in with the OM and the kids, how long do you think that would last. Hi honey, Oh by the way do you like kids. LOL
The way I see it the best solution for her is to stay married and work things out. Thats just my opinion at the moment, I could change my mind.
Thank you agian for all your post and support it really does help.

Yeah, smc, keep a log of what you do for the kids and research a little etc, but mostly don't get too carried away planning the finer points of your divorce just yet.

We're barely into Plan A here... now that you have read SAA, please get Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" - then you will know what I mean by "respectful boundaries".

I mean that YOU can draw the boundaries of what YOU have to live with. That YOU are not going to continue to be in a marriage with two other people that think they're falling in love with each other! Actually, you thinking D and talking D to your WW may be must what she needs for a reality check.

Are you okay with sleeping separately but living in the same house indefinitely, knowing she's involved in an ongoing affair? I thought not.

Oh, if she did move in with OM, it won't last. But you won't convince her of that right now.

By the way, as you work on your LB, my H loved "Anger Busting 101" so you might want to add that to your reading list as well.

Keep posting.

smc, if he is a business acquaintence, you have some good exposure opporunities here. Do you know if he is married? Can you call information, get his # and call his house [with your # disguised] and ask for Mrs xxxx? If a woman comes to the phone, tell her about the affair and give her your name and #.

Some other excellent exposure opportunities would be:

1. your W's HR dept
2. OM's HR dept
3. W' family
4. close friends

And it should all be done in one fell swoop as soon as possible. You get the best impact from multiple exposures at once and this also prevents the affairees from pre-warning these targets and spinning the story.

All right!

Let's cook a cheater!

If there's anything we can do to help, this board is full of folks with ideas. Just ask.

You don't have OM's name?

The phone number could still be useful. Does she always call the same number? In that case, I'd guess it is a cell. But in case it is a home number, have you considered having somebody call it and ask for his wife?

There are search services which for a small fee can give you more info on the phone number. It might be worth it.

What other info do you have on OM? What is his job function and what is his professional relationship with your wife?

I read your other thread and understand that she flys (2 hours) to the project site. All the same, you might catch something by watching her locally.

A GPS tracker is not expensive ($250) and can tell you exactly where and when her car was at all times. It may be that he will come to see her sometime. If you have your tracking in place, you may be able to catch that.

If you have any info on the OM, you might be able to get some research help from folks on this forum.

Do you have access to her credit card records - especially on-line?

-AD

SMC, sorry your here, but it is a wealth of info and support on here.
Can you check your wifes cell records, might help in knowing who you are dealing with.
Exposure is the key. My WW told me the A wasn't as fun when everyone knew about it. Thats part of the attraction of an A is getting away with something, but when everyone knows then it's cheating.

About a couple months ago my W started messing up on the bill paying, it seemed she just kept putting off paying them. When I received a couple late notices I took the responsibility away from her. Now I do the bills.
I received the cell phone bill about a week after my W informed me of the A. Certain numbers did come up most to other cell phones, but 1 was to someones house. Went into a phone number search and got a name and address. There was 1 cell phone number used alot, so I called it, the person answered with the company's name I asked his name, he responded with the company's name again. I appologized that I had the wrong number and hung up. I didn't think much of it until last night. Today I called the company with the cell phone number and asked for the guys name with the house number. Guess what he works for this company. The cell number I called 3 weeks ago was the OM. So now I know who he is. HeHe
I checked Zabasearch and got a name of a woman at his address also. Getting good isn't it.
Since my W and the OM work for different companies, (she is an architect he is a construction contractor) as a business standpoint this is a conflict of interest, because they can pass info back and forth for upcoming projects.
Exposing the A to their HR Dept's would definately catch them off guard. A couple phone calls to her parents, a call to his possible wife, you get the whole "Shock and Aw" thing going.
I can't even imagine how pissed off she would be.
Anyway I'm not sure I want to do this just yet.
I was thinking of emailing my W his name and address phone numbers etc... to her secret email address. (she's been using this to correspond to the OM daily)
Right now I still want to keep the communication thing going, because I do believe we are making some progress.

Good sleuthing!

smc, yes, she will be pissed. Just like a crack addict is pissed when you turn on the light. It isn't the light that will ruin the marriage, though, it is the crack. [affair] See what I mean? She will get over her anger pretty quick, but your marriage won't survive an ongoing affair. The sooner you expose her affair, the faster the affair will end and the faster you will be in recovery, smc.

When you do expose, be sure and do it all in one fell swoop to cause the greatest damage to the affair. She will quickly find out and when she does, just brace yourself for her fury, stay calm and tell her that you love her and will do what it takes to save your marriage.

And please don't send your W any of that, that will just pre-warn her that you know. And forewarned is forearmed, you will completely LOSE the element of surprise if you that. Email her that information AFTER you expose!

Great work, SMC!

Exposure is not any good as a threat.

It is tempting to threaten and hope that the threats get her moving in the right direction. Almost certainly that will nto work.
It is only the doing of it that has any benefitial effect.

Don't tip her off that you know anything about OM that she hasn't told you. Don't let her know that you have his wife and employer's contact info.

When you are ready to go with it, fire away with all guns blazing. Everywhere she turns everybody will know. That will have the maximum impact. The goal here is not to punish her nor to shame her, but to make the continuation of the A so uncomfortable that she (or the OM) is unwilling to continue.

And in the exposure, tell only the truth that you actually know. Don't make things up. Don't exagerate. Don't cuss or threaten. Be as polite as is possible under the circumstances. The last thing you need is OM's boss or wife saying "some crazy lunatic called and said some rediculous things about you."

And, you don't have to tell all that you know, just enough to be reasonably persuasive.

If you're a drinking man, make sure you are cold sober when you do this.

-AD

According to the phone bill my W started seeing the OM on Aug 4th the bill ended at Aug 19th she contacted the OM 8 times during that time calling his cell phone. No calls were made during the weekends, this fact alone tells me he's probably married. I should get the next bill in a couple days. I can do more research. I want to make absolutly sure this is the guy.

If I were to call his wife what would I say? Should I identify myself?

If I were to send a letter to the HR dept's what would I say. Would I identify myself or should it be anonymous.
Should I be in an email or should I contact them by phone.
Which way is most effective.
My W HR dept is in Chicago what if they don't care?
Or don't get the info to the LA office.
She's going up in the am for meetings and the OM she will return late the next day.
Should the exposure happen while they are on the site together?

smc, if she works in LA, I would expose there to her boss and maybe follow up with an email, cc'd to HR in Chicago. You could send an email to his HR department. And I would identify yourself or they might not take it seriously. Just tell them that your W is having a workplace affair with XYZ. Tell them you have two children and are trying to save your marriage. What can they do to stop this?

When you speak to the OMW, identify yourself and just give her the facts. Explain to her that your goal is to bust up this affair and save your marriage. Ask to compare information with her and offer to stay in touch so you can kill off this affair.

I don't think it matters if they are together on the job site or not.

You may not have to wait for the bill to come; some cell phone cos show call data online in real time. You may need the password, or maybe SSN. You can call the co and ask. If you don't have the password, they may be able to send it to the cell phone, you just need to have access to read the pw when it comes in, then delete it from the phone. You can try it on your own personal phone first as a test run.

I have looked at the phone data online, in most cases I get the bill in the mail before I can see it online.

If I expose the A to her boss, do you think there is a possibility that she could get fired? Is something like this grounds for termination? One of the head managers was fired from my company years ago for having an A with his assistant.