smc, it depends on the company and her profession. Most often, though, they are either ignored or given a serious talking to. But even if they are ignored, it is harder to carry on an affair in front of people who know what you are doing - and you know they know it. With a workplace affair, it wouldn't be a loss even if they were fired, because they must leave that job anyway if the affair is to ever end. They can't stay in contact at work and ever hope to recover the marriage.

If my W was taken off the project she is on now, and moved to another project that would be ok. Being fired would be disasterous to all of us.
I was also thinking of calling the OM and asking to end it.

Calling the OM is almost always a waste of time. In my case, my wife had an online EA (emotional affair)...and when I confronted her about it the OM bought her plane tickets to fly to live with him...although they had never met in person at all.

I called him the day before she was supposed to leave...trying to get her to listen to ANYONE but him, I wanted him to talk with her about talking with her sister. Now...supposedly this guy was a friend of mine...but of course he adamantly REFUSED to do anything to jeopardize their 'relationship'. Realize that the OM is likely to be just as addicted to this 'relationship' as your wife is...so he's not going to be any help in ending it.

It might be disasterous for you and the family if she got fired...so think about this. What would happen? She'd go on unemployment for a while, you both would be forced to work out new employment arrangements, and you'd have to deal with the hassles of creditors and bill collectors and such. BUT...have you ever heard of anyone dying because they lost their job? Not very common...

You and your family (and even your wife) are likely going to be a LOT better off once the affair is ended...EVEN IF SHE LOSES HER JOB. Your marriage will stand a MUCH better chance of recovery even under those conditions, as opposed to doing nothing and allowing the affair to continue.

My suggestion...ensure that you have sufficient evidence, and contact OMW. Get her working with you to end the affair. And expose the affair to your wife's family and whatever friends you feel might be supportive in assisting in ending the affair and saving your marriage.

If that fails, then exposure in the work place still remains your alternative.

Regardless, you're NOT going to be in for an easy time. She will totally HATE and RESENT having her secret out in the open. So when you talk to all of these people, be VERY respectful of your wife, and let them clearly hear that you're doing this in the hope of enlisting their aid in helping your wife to end the affair and work on your marriage. NOT as an attack or to 'get even' with her. Make sure that they tell HER that when they talk to her about it.

Those are my suggestions anyway.

SMC...

Find out factually that this is the OM, and then call his wife/girlfriend. Explain what you know to her. Ask for her help in going to the point of NC. Odds are, you will be in for a heck of a ride...and tons of threads here talk about that first exposure episode.

What can I recommend to you? Hmm... earplugs.

Hang in there.

TELL HIS WIFE FIRST. ONLY HER. EXPAND OUT FROM THERE AS NEEDED.

“I was also thinking of calling the OM and asking to end it.”

You will hear on MB that calling the OP is useless. It’s usually useless even if you are calling to have them come take WS off your hands...

However, IMO there is a difference between an OW and an OM in this matter.

I have yet to see on MB positive results from a BW calling an OW. Well, I have read of one or two exceptions – prove the rule sort of thing. They all had to do with a WH that lied to OW more than even BW.

But, there are IMO several schools of OMs. There is a subclass of OM that is rightly called a player. They may have more than one A going on. A’s are part of their lifestyle. They do not want any BH cramping their style. Speaking of schools, they are sharks. They feed for as long as they can and for as long as it’s relatively easy.

So, I recommend you do some homework on this OM. If it begins to looks like he is a player, a visit bearing a promise of nuclear exposure will likely drive him away.

My W’s OM was a player. I confronted him in person and presented him with a list of exposure targets (pretty much like a billboard in front of his office and another near his house) starting with his current W and kids, bosses, church, .... and reaching all the way back to his first wife and kids.

He cut and run. Even after I told him he could have her if he truly loved her.

He11, even if he does cut and run, give him a few weeks then expose him anyway.

OK, forget that if your WW agrees to recovery. Exposure may bring him back up like a bad burrito. But, I do believe his BW gets to know the truth, no matter what.

Being fired would be disasterous to all of us.

the affair unstopped is just as disasterous !


I was also thinking of calling the OM and asking to end it.

Much better to call OM's wife (don't warn the adulterors) .... he'll be much more likely to stop the affair if it hits him where it hurts, in his HOME.

I called OW and asked her to stop ... I heard "We're just friends."

Calling OM will bring you zero satisfaction.

I just tried calling the OM house to see if his W answers.
I could'nt get through because his service won't take calls if the callers id is blocked. I've never heard of this.
Is this common. Why would someone be screening their calls so closely. Is this something I should be concerned about?
Is there a way to get around it?

I am at work so I can't do it but somebody here could get in email contact with you and exchange phone numbers. The MB poster calls you then calls the number and "three ways" you in. Then it's not your number or area code that pops up nor does it appear on your bill.

You could do this with a long-distance or local friend as well but if your area code pops up the OM may be there and get suspicious. You don't want them warning anyone.

smc, drive to his house and knock on the door. See if a Mrs answers.

I think it would be about a 10 hr drive.

Does her H work in another town?

oh wait, why can't you just go to a payphone or do like ACTdontreact suggested?

I think before I do anything I am going to make absolutly sure this guy is the OM.
Thank you everyone for the ideas and the support.

smc,

Exposure at work could be no more disasterous than the divorce that may come if you don't break this up. If she loses her job maybe you have to sell the house and move, but if you D, that will happen too.

If she's good at what she does, she can get another job.

I agree with the others. His wife is the first exposure target. Never try to reason with OM. Apphelion lucked out a little, but exposing to OM's wife would also have worked in his case. It is the more powerful tool to break up the affair.

I would not hold back from exposure at work, either - especially to OM's bosses. You want to put as much pressure on him as you can. If you can expose to both employers it would have a higher chance to get results.

My W's OM is an unmarried student, and my W is a stay-at-home Mom and student. There wasn't much of anybody I could expose to. I very much wish I had the leverage you have. Don't squander it.

Oh and lock down the finances if you can - before exposing - in case she tries to bolt and run.

-AD

Hi Guys
Haven't been on for a while,
So here is an update,
Same old stuff different day.
W is still seeing the OM, she goes up to the job site every two weeks for two days for meetings and such.
She informed me a few weeks ago she did'nt want to be married to me anymore. I believe the A has been going on so long that now I have no chance. I don't know. I am kind of at a point where I still want to save my marriage, but if I don't, so be it. I'll still try like ******.
I don't feel exposing the A will do anything, he is not currently married (D twice). Really the only people I could tell is her mother and father. I don't think either one would do anything, I would just look bad in their eyes.
At this point I feel kind of stuck.
I hope things are going well with all you guys.
I wish all of you the best.

You have been told for over two months that exposure is the best thing to do. And you havent done it. Rationalizing that it wont work, no one cares, blah, blah, blah. I cant remember the last time someone did exposure on here and it didnt work to some extent or another. Affairs do well in the dark.

So, if you still do want your marriage, then expose to the office, her parents, etc. If you want to just sit around and wait, she'll keep sleeping with him and you will be gone soon enough.

Your wife is in an affair. It cant get worse than this, okay. So nothing you do can make it worse...except doing nothing and letting your marriage end.

So, do what you need to do...or stand by for divorce. Thosee are the options.

In His arms.

Mortarman thank you for the kick in the butt.
Your right I needed to do something.
I spoke with my W's mother last night, this morning I emailed my W's supervisor and her HR dept and the OM's HR dept.
I know my W had talked to her mother, I did'nt realize how little she told her.
I know my W is going to be pissed.
I know I need to be neutral and respectful as she vents.
Any advise as to how I should handle her reaction?

Again thank you all for your support and wisdom.

SMC,

Dont respond to her reaction. Just listen and let her vent. It will be all fog talk. Then be prepared for her to do anything. Then, once you see what her reaction does, then you can decide on your next course of action.

In His arms.

Uhm, no, I disagree. Decide your course of action before she does anything. Do what you know, not what you feel or react. That is really what this is all about. Ignoring the garbage of the WS and staying to our course that we KNOW is right.

Read the multiple exposure threads running right now in the boards. It will reveal alot to you, and your wife's comments will actually make you laugh, rather than cry. When you see the WS saying the exact same thing, over and over, and that they are so unique in the world, it makes you laugh. Honestly. It's pretty funny to see someone soooo textbook. Then, if you really want to drive home a point, you could hand her a printout of the other WS commentaries we've seen posted here, and say, this is how unique it is...! Oh, and the OM, why do you suppose he is twice divoriced? Oh, but you are different right? No, it couldn't actually be his fault...I mean, he's a good man, and would never do anything to warrant the loss of a marriage.

Hang in there man, it's just beginning.

Dear SMC,
You might use the response I told my w/h when he found out I exposed to to the o/w's workplace/mil assisted-living facility.
His question to me, "What did you do?!!" My response, "I was saving my marriage." "This is something I should have done (exposing to o/w workplace) a long time ago!"
Say it with conviction and authority for the full effect.
It worked very well for me and I borrowed this line from other's that had said this to their w/s.
There is something to be said about exposing. While it is true it can be scary, it also is empowering, and will give you a taste of feeling in charge of your life, instead of being drug for a ride by your w/w's actions.
Think Proactive, not reactive. Be ready for the erruption and know that it is all expected and will eventually dry up.