Thanks for the posts

Rookev

Yes I am different I don't pursue married women with young children. I don't pursue period. I have been totally faithful to my W and my family.

I called W's mother and sent and email to her supervisor, her HR dept and OM's Hr dept.
My W got home tonight and was rather p***** off. I guess her boss and her HR dept had a talk with her. Unknowingly I guess the email went to every HR person worldwide.
She was home maybe 15 minutes and her mom called to lay into her. Wow
Anyways she vented quite a bit about how stupid emailing her HR dept was and how the companies could possibly sue each other over the email. She might get fired. She told me we were through and that I can't be trusted because she does'nt know what stupid thing I will do next.
"How could I do this." I explained I was trying to save my marriage.
I was taking this all in stride when she mentioned how malice's and hurtful this act was. I kind of went off on her about the pain thing. I know big mistake. I could'nt help it.
Now she wants to start proceedings for a legal separation.
Anyway at this point I really don't see a good side to this.
I feel like I've done more damage than good.
This seemed to be the last straw.
I know its early after an exposure, but what can I look for as far as progress or decline in the next few weeks.
Where can I find the other exposure threads?

Well, your wife responded like they all do - how could you do this?, this is the last straw, i'll never trust you again, now I will divorce you, blah, blah, blah.

So far she is right on track with the WS handbook.

It doesn't feel like it now, but you did the best thing possible to save your marriage and end the affair.

She will be angry for awhile, several days at least. Just try not to argue with her. Let her know that you will do what it takes to save your marriage.

Hang in there, it's not easy.

World-wide? That is incredible - good job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have to say I am amazed it took you so long to make a decisive move to end the affair. The WISEST thing I did was to ring the OM spouse and inform her of my suspicions. You know what? She was incredibly grateful and I date the real end of the affair to this phone call. I wish I had made it earlier, when I still had my suspicions, but they were less defined.

Why was she grateful? Well, as a BS you KNOW that one of the most maddening aspects of being married to someone in an A, but not knowing, is the constant niggling doubt that there is something "not right". WSs all exhibit the same sorts of behaviour re. "privacy" and "respect". You think you are going mad, you wonder how you come to be looking through your wife's purse seeking evidence. These feelings are common to BSs on BOTH sides of the A. It is a relief to find out that you are not going bonkers and your fears are well founded. Hence the gratitude.

Do not be afraid to leave a record of your number. You may, like me, receive threatening calls from the OM. Call his bluff and tell him to F off. WS will do ANYTHING to protect the A until their fantasy world collides with cold, hard reality. They then realise that in the real world there are consequences to violence and intimidation. The wriggling and squirming that they exhibit as they try to make reality match up to the fantasy that they have been peddling each other is quite amusing to watch, if it weren't so tragic.

At the end of the day, TAKE CONTROL. What have you got to lose? Someone else is sleeping with your wife, for God's sake! What else can they take from you? Smash the affair, publicise the wrong-doers, maximise the exposure. There will be tears, tantrums and hissy fits, but again, what have you got to lose? You will be surprised by the state of affairs once all the sound and fury has died down.

Good luck with your actions. You NEED to do this before you can even have a chance of re-building your marriage.

Thats the way it looks from this side of the pond!

"WSs all exhibit the same sorts of behaviour re. "privacy" and "respect"."

She has'nt. I asked her to show respect, she has'nt tried hiding the A at all. Since I do the bills I've been getting expense reports with no hotels, cell phone bills over a 1000 minutes talking to the OM. She has'nt tried to hide anything. Its like she is rubbing my nose in it.

She said she gave up on us a while ago, in her mind what she is doing is OK.

I believe SAA it mentions exposing to "friends and family".
I just wonder where the workplace exposure came into effect.
I hope I did the right thing, she could get fired today.

You did the right thing smc.

I just got a call from my sister, my W called
her she is at a friends house. She called my sister crying telling her I am suicidal and we need to get the firearms out of the house. She is in fear of her life. WOW
I'm not. I think when I talked about the pain thing last night I mentioned the thought when I first found out.
It was only a thought for a brief moment.

Is this part of the exposure talk.
Do I need to worry?

No you don't have to worry. Yes it is part of the exposure talk.


Tell her...."yes we need the firearms of adultery out of the house because it's killing me!"

She is in fear of her life... because you exposed her.

Lady

After reading SAA, I never would have thought my W was addicted to the A or the OM until I started noticing her mood swings and watching her actions. On the weekends she would be fairly depressed most of the day, she would leave to go to the store and come back all happy because she was able to talk to the OM on the phone. This has happened a few times.
One morning she could'nt wait to get out of the house, I stood there in the driveway with my 2 year old in my arms waving goodbye to mommy as she is putting the earpiece in her ear to call the OM as she pulled away. She did'nt notice my daughter waving goodbye.
Thinking of that makes me sad, I wonder why I trying so hard.

You are trying so hard because your wife is in a fog. You are trying so hard because of your daughter. Stay strong, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

MSA

She got the news of the email on Thursday, caught totally off guard and seemed pretty devistating, her HR dept called her in to discuss. Unfortunately her boss was out of town. She took Friday off and stayed at a friends so she would'nt have to face her boss.
I think she probably told her boss I'm a raving lunitic.
She had the whole weekend to devise a plan with the OM.
Last night she came home all happy.
So things seem to be back to normal.
She also took her wedding rings off.
I'm kind of getting a sinking feeling.
Any signs I can look for at this point?

Please do not say or do anything that could jeopardize your sitch with kids...I mean saying I wish I'd kill msyelf...or something stupid like that.

Your WW has been exposed and may be coached from OM...they may have some cockamamy plan like...."hey om, he said he wanted to kill himself?" om: "well you can use that against him in court...

Think like a WS for a minute...but take away the fog.

HOW on earth could you prove to a judge or jury that 1)you were justified to have the affair 2)get custody 3)get assets.

Well if you're a lying cheater, you'd have to start reaching...and that would be doing some really low stuff...like using your own words against you..

ex: my now xh found out that (again, this was due to HIS horrible actions and stress placed on me)I had taken for 3 months an antidepressant. Never mind I was working each day, doing well professionally,and being a good mom. He tried to show me unstable...and I was state prez of my medical society. Why would a ws do that? Why would my then wh do that? simple. His only way out...I "outed" him to everybody! And he responded by in his warped little mind by defending himself...if you can even call it that.

I call it horse s#it!

Watch what you do and say ok?

And get a voice activated recorder and put it in car...and gps system too! Get PI...that will conclude all you need legally should after MB program...it never hurts to have all the cards stacked in your favor ok?

They may be trying to now either change their "stories" about the affair (he could be a strong guy friend "protecting" her from her crazed husband) or something stupid like that.

It could truly amaze you the audacity of a ws...again, she's not in her right mind right now ok?

You did great with exposure! I would also go to OM's xwives...find out WHY HE IS DIVORCED TWO TIMES...

hint hint: my xh is divorced now two times...any ideas why? Clue: HE cheated on BOTH OF HIS TWO FIRST WIVES (including me..but I didn't know him when he was married to wno. 1) That's a huge exposure you can give to WW!

I would also go thru the finances to see if she's withdrawing monies and giving it to om...after all, he's a construction worker...and she is his boss kinda.

Just stay calm...stick to plan A.

Read and MEMORIZE THE CARROT AND STICK OF PLAN A.

Your WW is just as wacked out as all the others here. She thinks she is one of a kind...her "love" affair is one in a million...Yea, one among millions that WE CAN FIGURE OUT using these principles and your family can become whole again!

Don't give up hope. Use your head..put your heart aside for now. Just think ...stay calm. We'll help you out all you want.

Thank you justpeachy for the kind words, you are absolutely right about being careful about what I say. My temper got the best of me the other day and I suspect I will end up paying for the suicide remark.
I do believe it is part of a natural thought process you go through when you feel like your world has just come to an end.
About the OM being divorced twice, I had mentioned that in a previous post, but I'm just not sure. Speculation on my part.
I just reread "What to expect" as I haven't read that in a while. Amazing, these forums have nailed it.
It does help alot knowing how she may react and what she may say. I'm not taking the remarks so personal, I look at it as the A talking.
I am staying hopefull and the responses I receive help more than I can say or write.
Thank you for the kind words and support.

Well I'm kind of getting the silent treatment right now.
I don't know if thats good or bad.
I'm guessing its part of her reaction to the Exp.
Probably normal.
Her HR dept spoke with her and showed her the email.
I have no idea if her boss has spoken with her as he is out of town alot.
She's just keeping to herself for the most part.

How can I tell if my W is being coached by OM.

smc, it might be a good idea to follow up with the boss to make sure your W and the O-PIG has not lied to him. You could also call the HR department and demand to know what actions they intend on taking. It would be a good idea to call them anyway as your W may have lied to them and told them you were a nutjob.

Is the OM married? If so, have you told his wife?

Have you got to the part about Plan B in SAA? I suspect you are fairly close to that point.

My W and I had a talk last night. I didn't ask about work, I did ask about her mom. She said her mom was not giving any opinion on the matter, but lended her support with whatever desision my W makes. Pretty much the same as her friends. I kind of figured thats what would happen, nobody has a spine. So I'm on my own as usual.
I asked my W if the OM was married, she said he was divorced which is what I suspected. I don't know why I thought that I just had a feeling.
Because of the kids I'm not sure about plan b, she has her mind made up about us and I don't think plan b would change anything.
For now I'll stick with plan A, at least for now.

smc, first off, I would suggest finding out the truth about OM's marital status. Most affairees lie about this. Secondly, have you spoken to her mother YOURSELF? If not, I would suspect that your W did not tell her the whole truth. I would call her up and ask for her support in stopping her D from destroying her family.

I talked to her mother last week, your right about my W not telling her everything. I explained to her what was going on, that I did'nt want a D and that my family was important to me and I was trying to save my marriage. Of course the truth was shocking to her.
Its only been a week (seems alot longer) since the exposure, so I will give it a little more time to see how things pan out.