I need to vent here. But first I must apologize for not being of any help to anyone here. I have learned so much, and have found so many wonderful people here to help me, but I suppose I won't be able to help anyone else until I finally get through and truly understand this myself. Please understand everyone.

My sitch - it's been 9 weeks since I've heard from WS. I know that she has taken the step to move away and be with OM. This sickens me, after all I've been through, after false recoveries and WS begging me to take her back, only to leave again and again. Though this time seems so final, seeing that she moved so far away and nobody will talk to me - meaning her family.

What confuses me though is the fact that we still own a home together and she has not contacted me in 9 weeks regarding these matters. She just up and left, and even left things behind in this house. I can't figure this move out.

I had made her an offer to buy out the house, which was in the form of a plan B letter also. My second plan B letter. I have taken advice from many to just let it hang for now and not rock the boat so to speak. But this is like a slow torture for me. I still love her and worry about her every minute. I still wish she'd snap out of this. Though it seems she won't, and plan B now is solely for the purpose of my moving on.

But why? What is the motive behind a WS not taking the final steps to let go? How can I move on while we have these issues lingering? One would think that she would want to resolve these issues too. Why then, why won't she contact me about this? And I don't know how long I can let it hang...as everyday is a struggle just to do that.

I heard, after the fact, that they were in town last week cleaning out her apartment. It sure seems that she's made her choice and is sticking to it. So why not wrap things up on this end? I she afraid to talk to me because it might cause her feelings for me to resurface? Is she hanging on in case it doesn't work out with OM? Could she be thinking that with time I will get over it and be easier to deal with? WHAT? What is going on in her head?

How unfair to me to let this go for so long. She is moving on with her life but won't allow me to truly move on with mine. Last we spoke I asked her to remove the rest of her things, and now it's up to me to remove them? And though it's hard to see these things here, my heart has not allowed me to just throw them away.

I am so lost right now. I just don't feel interested in anything, and I constantly wonder where life is leading me. I know there are so many of you that feel the same, and I wish I had some encouraging words, but unfortunately not today.

Joe

Joe,

It is kind that you want to help others. Don't worry, in some ways your posting is helping others to see what they need to go through.

You are getting near a turning point. Your LB is getting drained and it probably scares you. Don't worry. The one who s/b scared is the WS. Here's why:

1. When the BS' mind and heart finally syncs up, you w/b empowered to move forward. Plan B won't be scary because it w/b your support tool.

2. Your offer to buy her out is probably viewed to the WS as a 'door' she has left open with you. Options are still in her favor.... from her warped WS POV.

Now if you really move foward, you will find:

1. A lightened load on your shoulders. Less hurt and more freedom.

2. Your offer to 'buy her out' w/b attached to D papers.

3. You will have removed yourself as her 'option' to use at her WS will.

See in reality, you don't want the WS back, right? You want your W back but the character inhabiting her body is not your W. Treat it accordingly.

Now be patient w/yourself. Syncing your mind and heart takes time. It will come. Be patient. In the meantime, secure your finances, id your boundaries and implement them. Work on removing yourself as a WS option. You s/b only viewed as an option for your W. ok?

take care,
L.

Joe, I am sorry things haven't worked out better for you. Have you considered packing her things up and taking them to her family? What about putting the house on the market?

I am so sorry Joe. Sounds like things can't get any worse. My advice to you is to back her things to relief you from seeing them. I would leave word with her family that they are in the garage or some pleace where she can retrieve them. Have you been to an attorney yet? You may want to so you can protect your credit. She is deep in a fog right now and unable to make wise choices. Also do you have any male friends? You need to start getting busier. Find an activity that you enjoy - bike riding soemthing. Do not stay in the house. If it looks like you are enjoying your single life this will send a message to your W and it makes them feel like they are loosing you. Right now she knows you are waiting for her to come back. She feels safe knowing there are 2 men wanting her. Dress up nice and get out. Go to a movie even is alone. Go have coffee out at a coffee shop but dress nicely. Get out of the house. Have your lawyer set up D papers and send her a copy thru her family memeber. With the option of you buying her out. It will make her see the reality of her actions. When I sat my exWH down and quietly told him in no uncertain terms that I was going to a lawyer for a D he almost fell on the floor. He found reality very quickly. In his fog brain other person self he thought I would just accept his behavior and verbal abuse. I was seriously done. We are in R now. He has just told me how truely sorry he is and I have waited since last Nov for those words. I know he feels extremely bad and would like to wipe away all the yrs he was an alien. Good luck.

She's being cruel and selfish.

She gets to experiment and try on a new life .... and you get to wait to see what happends next.

Sometimes, you gotta take a challenge and MAKE it an opportunity !!!

What previousely unrealistic things might interest you to persue right now? Want to learn to rock-climb? Want to travel? Want to join the Peace Corp? Want to take surf lessons? Want to shave your head and chant?

Let go of personal limitations for fulfilling your dreams right for the minute.

What would you try if you were feeling better and unburdoned by the umbilical cord to your WW?

Just take a reality jailbreak in your mind and daydream .... UNfilter your imagination right now .... you don't have to actually DO anything (yet) just open your mind a bit to opportunities that being alone offer...... just brainstorm here a little bit.

Brainstorming .... sell the car and buy a Harley and go cross country

Take everything of hers she left behind and DONATE it to a woman's shelter

thanks Orchid. Sometimes I forget that WS is a totally different animal. I don't want a WS back, who does? Been there, done that. I 've been trying to muster up the courage to end this myself, but you're right, I'll know when my heart and mind are in sync.

Wow! I took a minute to write back and all you good people were writing at the smae time.

Fot the record - I do go out, every night in fact. I do have a harley - I bought a Fat Boy and dumped an extra $12,000 in extras into it while WS was here living with me back in march.

I am very busy at work amd working on some major deals and changes with my career.

I have women interested in me, but unfortunately I don't feel interested in tham at this point, and probably that's how this goes.

I want to keep the house, so putting it up for sale is not an option. I like having a nice stable home, and at one time so did WS. I can't continue to work on it right now, according to my attorney, but I do keep it in order.

I have many good friends I spend time with. I do dress nice, and might even go shopping today for some new stuff. First I'll take a ride on my hog, as it is turning out to be a beautiful day here in Ct.

Just trying to understand, and perhaps be able to come up with the answers that best suit ME. Thanks guys...

Joe, my point in bringing up the house was that I think you should dispose of her interest in it. If you have to refinance and buy her out, I would suggest doing that. I think its time to get rid of her stuff, get rid of her interest in the house and move forward. You have been in pain from this for too long. As long as she still has an interest there, you will be continually reminded of her. You need to get rid of those reminders and focus on detaching. See what I mean?

I think I understand that Mel, but I've been afraid to do it. I'm trying. I never wanted to lose her forever, as I know most of us feel this way about our S. And she kept on giving me so much hope...but now this is for real. It's scary, to say the least.

Yes Joe, I know that. But consider this, if you dispose of any entanglements and focus on detaching, you are better off no matter what happens. It won't make any difference in the outcome of the relationship if you do this, but it will make a big difference in your mental outlook if you do.