Hi all,

I don't really know what to do. My OH is addicted to porn (he admitted this a couple of months ago after I found evidence of him sleeping with another woman - apparently it had got to the stage where he imagined himself being a man in one of the porn clips travelling around having sex with women).

I am trying to put this behind us but he's still looking at porn. Our sex life is practically non-existent. Today he's got a terrible hangover after going out last night, but that didn't stop him from viewing porn on the internet five minutes after I left the house.

On Friday we left for work at the same time, but I got through some traffic lights near our house and he got left behind. When I got home from work I'd found he'd turned around, gone home and looked at porn before leaving for work again.

He's figured out that he can delete the history files, but he hasn't cottoned on to the fact that I can still find evidence of it in temporary internet files.

He has been looking at some horrible pornography degrading to women. It's not even a couple making love, it's basically a woman being used as a dumping ground for the men's 'seed' to put it politely. The women get covered in it and are made to drink it afterwards. It makes me want to vomit.

I don't know what to do. If I tell him I know he's been looking at it and I find it offensive and disgusting, surely he'll start deleting even more on the computer so I don't have a clue what he looks at.

It is really getting to me. I want him to make love to me, instead he waits till I leave the house to look at porn.

Do I confront him about it and maybe lose future proof, or do I keep quiet and hope he'll stop it? (Though going by past experience I don't think he would).

Aaarrrrggghhh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Flibble

Flibble,
You said it in your second sentence. Your H is addicted to porn. If you keep quiet he will not stop. He needs to be in therapy, but first he has to want to stop. That comes from having the proper motivation. Such as a wife that is going to leave you if you don't.

More on your sitch - kids, how long married, other addictions in his/your past? Are you in counseling individually or marital counseling? What are your religious beliefs (Christian?) I always ask that last question not to engage in an evangelical debate, but because it makes a difference in what we advise here for advice.

Hi there,

We've been married four years, no kids. Neither of us are Christians. As for other addictions we both drink more than we should in the evening, not all day (will try to address this).

He's always looked at porn but in the last few years it's gotten bad. He used his company credit card to buy porn time at one point. After I found out about the other woman I think he stopped, but I believe he's started again.

I don't know what goes on in his head but he says he's addicted and fantasises about it. In the past he's had dirty sex-text messages going on with another woman, and I believe he's probably tried to instigate more with another woman, though this first one I found and stopped before he did anything more. When I found out about those dirty texts he cried, was afraid he'd lost me, said he'd never do it again etc....

I believe he's stopped texting the woman he slept with now, and has made efforts not to go anywhere she might be. But it worries me that if he's addicted to porn and it leads him to sleep with other women, how long will it be before he's trying it on again now he's viewing it again?

I always thought a little bit of porn was okay, but this is out of control. Anytime he's on the computer he's looking at it, even if I'm downstairs cooking dinner or ironing his clothes. I want him to want to make love to me, but I guess he doesn't want me as long as he keeps looking at porn. I couldn't bring myself to do some of the things those girls do, I would literally throw up, and I don't think I should have to do that, real life isn't like that is it? I used to be adventurous in bed, but he'll never know.

He's sitting in the bath now. All happy now he's had his fix of porn for the day. I have been home for about an hour and haven't said that I've found evidence of him porning again. I haven't told him that I know he didn't go straight to work on Friday. I feel like I'm a detective, I know what's going on but don't want to say anything as it will blow my cover and he'll clam up even more.

Confused!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi... I couldn't help notice the title of your post. I'm returning to MB after 2 years and my H and I have been on the porn roller coaster, too. I have to tell you how sorry I am that you are dealing with this (as if real women aren't enough!) but I admire your patience and perspective.

I have to agree with NTL. Perhaps handling this just as you would his addiction to an A would inspire him to seek therapy for his addiction.

Flibble, definitely don't tell him about your snooping until you have a firm idea of what you plan to do. You want him to be a little sloppy with his guarding of it so that you know the extent of the problem.

A little porn is okay for some people I guess, ... an addict is not going to be okay with a little. Some people can, some people can't. It's how we're wired I think.

But for the addict, it's like a balloon. You try to squeeze one part of the balloon and it just makes another part bulge out. You need to POP the balloon, and that takes a lot of work.

You do not need to live like this, and you shouldn't. BUT you need a game plan for not tolerating it. Perhaps you could call SA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) for help in handling this yourself. But in general, "Love Must Be Tough" is always a good start. After all, he is cheating - both with the porn and the physical affair. Have you gotten yourself tested for STD's? You should. Protect yourself.

I had forgotten how much wisdom there is in this forum...

NTL, do you have a phone no. for SAA? Some of the other menbers might benefit from having it.

Flibble, NTL is right... it is cheating and you have every right to feel the way that you do.

The S*x Addicts Anonymous website is http://saa-recovery.org and then you click on your country and state and it will give you the phone number and meeting times in your area.

Also SA is S*xaholics Anonymous and is the group that I know someone who goes. http://www.sa.org/

I think both are helpful and reputable, maybe someone on here has experience and would recommend one over the other?