I have been to this site reading posts and trying to learn how to "fix" my marriage for the past 7 months.
& months ago my wife told me that she was through with the marriage and wanted to separate. She said she was not in love with me anymore and wanted to separate in the house. During this time my wife has stayed away from the house sleeping at friends houses and I have been taking care of my 4 kids by myself the best I can. Last week my wife moved out of the house and took the 3 youngest kids with her. I have no idea where she lives yet and haven't talked to her much in the past week. She brought the kids over on Friday and they stayed here until Saturday night..it was nice!! I miss my kids dearly. My kids are 13,9,4 and my son who lives with me still is 15.
I have fought with the idea that my wife is having EA/PA and had accepted the fact that if it was happening there was nothing I could do about it. Well my 4 yr old daughter said last night to her mom "Your friend *** is really nice"...I was devastated. I knew of the name and knew my wife knew this person but didn't know the relationship. My question is what do I do knowing that my wife is seeing this person "as a friend" and my kids are being introduced to him? Me and my wife are not separated legally and divorce has been mentioned by her once when she was packing up to move. I have no idea what she is planning and I really don't want to press the issue right now. I am trying to do the 180 divorce buster thing but I am totally lost. Should I sit back and just give her her space for now?

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

There is a lot for you t/d but right now, getting your children to a safe place away from the WS and OM is critical. Is your place of residence a state where adultery is a crime?

Can you do a background check on the OM? Who can you expose to?

Please read surviving an affair and love must be tough books.

L.

Dear Toomanyregrets,
I don't have any advice for you; I'm still very new to this. Just wanted you to know your'e in my thoughts and prayers. I know the pain you are going through. It is the most horrible pain I have ever experienced in my life. I'm glad you are posting here for advice and support. The people on this board have helped me immensley over the past month.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, my friend, sorry you are here.

TMR, give her "space" to do what? Have an affair right in front of your own children?

She doesn't need "space" right now. She needs a cold dose of reality. And your children need to be protected from her sleazy affair. The children need to be KEPT HOME. If she wants to carry on an affair, she should not be allowed to drag your children into it. This is a serious issue, TMR, that will cause enormous moral confusion in your children if you don't intercede here. It is up to you to protect them from this. They should NEVER be exposed to her affair.

So, your first order of business is to protect your children.

Your second order is to try and bust up this affair and save your marriage. See, an affair is a relationship based on a fantasy. It is founded on fraud and deciet and they never last. This is why an affair cannot survive long unless it is kept secret.

When they are exposed, it brings the ugly light of reality into it and ruins the affair. This is why exposure is CRITICAL to busting up the affair. The affair should be exposed to your family, her family, the OM's wife/family and the workplace. [if relevent] That will end or hasten the end of the affair.

A book that you will find very helpful is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. I would run to the bookstore and get this book. In the meantime, please read the link in my signature about Plan A.

Who is this OM and what does he do? Is he married?

I do not know that this is truly an affair. This person is someone that she knows and I have no idea how long they have known each other...maybe a couple of weeks maybe a couple of years...never heard the name before 3 weeks ago. Tried to follow her from work one night but found nothing. Am I exposing my kids to this or am I conjuring this up in my mind? Can this be innocent? So confused at the moment. I will see my wife later today and don't know what to do or say. I really don't want my kids meeting any friends of hers.

Melody I have no idea who this OM is other than a first name and have no idea what he does. It is possible he is in the Air Force

TMR, I hate to tell you this, but this all the earmarks of an affair. I would ask your W who this man is. You are going to have to find out what is going on here, but this has all the classic signs of an affair. You have alot of catching up to do and can't afford to look the other way anymore. Perhaps you should take out her apartment one night in the near future when the kids aren't there?

Have you snooped on her phone bills to see who she is talking to and how long this has been going on? What investigating have you done to now?

I have snooped her phone but my phone company will not release detailed phone records without a subpoena(sp?)
Didn't find anything on her phone incriminating.
I have gone to her work and called there to find out when she leaves. I have followed her after work but that just led home that night. I have tried to locate her apartment but where I think she is her car is not there. I need to get help in this area.
She has been dredging up the past a lot this past year pointing out all the bad things I have done in the past. I had an affair 4 years ago that we never worked through very well...I thought we were back on track. Guess not.
I have a pair of her underwear from a "night out" that I am trying to find out how to test. I have too many questions and no answers..UGGHH

Melody How long was your recovery?

Why won't she tell you where her apt is? She is taking those kids there and will not tell you where?

My d-Day was October 2000 and we have been in a good recovery ever since.

http://www.getcheckmate.com/ semen detection kit

TMR, can you scrape together the money and hire a P.I.? That might get you the info you need real quick.

She doesn't want me coming around right now and I probably would...not knowing where she is at though makes me want to know even worse.
I am not sure if I can afford a PI the ones I have looked at are $$$. Is there something I can do myself?
The kids are being taken care of very well I do know that so I have no immediate concerns for their day to day care. I do have issues about the life my wife is leading though and do not want that spilling into my kids heads.
Checkmate it is!!! Thanks

BTW I have been married for 17 years next month
me-37
her-38

TMR, why don't you check into some P.I.s and see if you can just have them watch on certain nights when you think she would be meeting the OM? You must find out! Either way, you must SOMEHOW find out the following:

1. where she lives and with whom
2. who she is seeing and his marital status

The fact that she won't tell you where she lives tells me she may even be living with OM. She should have no reason to hide that from you.

I guess what shocks me is that you allow her to take that kids there not knowing where. As their father, you have a RIGHT to know where they are being taken.

Your kids ARE NOT being well taken care of if they are being dragged into an affair and introduced to her affair partner. You have to realize that your W has lost her mind and cannot be trusted.

Do your children know where she lives? I wonder if the kids know she is having an affair ["new friend"] and have been told to lie for her? Have the kids been told to lie about where she lives?

OK so I now know where she lives and where my kids are...A good bit of sleuthing on my part!!!LOL
What is funny is when I talk to her she seems so concerned about me...what is that?

The kids were told to not tell me where she lives. She is living alone I know that and is home with the kids when they are out of school/daycare...My Daughter(13ys old) is very good at covering for mommy. I want to talk to my daughter to find out who this man is. I hate putting my kids in the middle of this yet I do have to find out.

I found out a little about the other guy...he is in his 30's has 2 boys about ages 8. He may be in the Air Force but not certain about that. He has met the kids and talked to my oldest daughter on the phone. He sees my wife or talks to her often from what I gather. They are "friends" and my daughter told me that it is ok that she has him as a friend. They have known each other for approx 3 weeks I believe. They spend time together but I am unsure of what that all entails since my wife is not forthcoming with any answers...like I think she would come clean LOL
Anyway having a really hard time with all of this and wondering what to do next