only, when you say "DING DING DING!", you ain't kidding! nikko hit hte nail on the head. I could probably echo nine-tenths of what you already stated you were dealing with. Truth of the matter is, no matter what we *ARE*, it will never, ever compare with what he *HAD* from her. It has nothing to do with what the BW was or what the OW was, what either of us looked like, did, whatever. It was what he *FELT* while he was with her that fueled the passion.

Oh, and I know the feeling about needing protection at a very delicate time of life such as pregnancy. Our #3 child was just a few months old when his EA began, and the FOW was literally the first person he called to share our news that we were expecting #4. I went through h*ll physically while I was pregnant but kept the worst of it to myself because I felt like he was disinterested or just tired of me feeling bad with the back-to-back pregnancies. PA began during my pregnancy with #4 and continued until after she was born. FWH actually spent a huge amount of the time I was in the hospital with FOW while I dealt with doctors who were mentioning the word "stroke", my blood pressure was so high. FWH didn't even know how seriously ill I was, he was just thrilled that she was home (she came home from two weeks with her husband overseas the night baby was born) and figured that I was fine since the baby was healthy and I was still alive. She was a close friend so was there for all of the milestones of the pregnancy and was almost as involved in everything as he was. D-day was the day baby turned 2 months old. He was, at that point, ready to walk away from everything--four children, fifteen and a half years of marriage, and a lifetime of memories. For what? Passion. Yeah, it's hard to compete. It's also hard not to feel like "everyday" when he had "once in a lifetime" with someone else. Awful feeling.

Did you or anyone else you know of in the forum need medication to get and maintain control of your emotions?

I got through without it, but that's just me. Lots of folks need AD's for awhile in dealing with Infidelity. It's a stressful time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If you're not getting relief with your medication, or if you're suffering side-effects, talk to your doctor about it. S/he may need to change your dosage, or put you onto a different med.

One other thing...then I'm out for the day...

Y'all are worrying way too much about OW. She's nothing more than a symptom of the disease.

It was easy for me to dismiss OW. My husband saw her in short order for the tacky cam-wh*re that she was. A narcissist who not only wanted the attention of men...but rather sickly needed it.

She was NO competition for me. None at all. Once I had my head in the game....there was NOTHING she could do or say that would effect MY marriage.

The OW in your situation might be wrapped up in a prettier package....but the bottom line is that she is STILL a person who has no compunction about sleeping with another woman's husband.

She's got nothing on you. She might have had your husband's attention, but how would she EVER have maintained his RESPECT?

Thank you for all your responses. My next step will be to work very hard on becoming someone I like and respect. This will be a new one for me since it's been about HIM and HER for so long. Wish me luck and pray for me. I'll keep you all posted!

d

Yes, I am in need of using meds (especially for sleeping because sleep REALLY affects your ability to cope, but also for mild depression) but thanks to me being sole caregiver to an 18-month-old and a 7-month-old who are both still not sleeping through the night, it's kind of senseless for me to take anything that will knock me out. I actually chose not to take what the doc offered soon after D-day but I'm reconsidering now that things are still not-so-good several months later. Bummer. I do know one other forum member personally (FOWH) and he's on meds for his emotional issues too.

onlyd-


Oh my, yes dear......I'm still on meds, Xanax is a blessing some days, I'll tell you what. I was in full blown panic attacks, and the muscles in my neck got so tight I thought they were going to snap my spine.

Anti-D's are good too, I'm off of them now, but was on them for almost a year, and they do help.

There's no shame in seeking medication to aid you, it's a chemical thing, not a strength thing....it doesn't make you weak...not by a long shot.

I'd also like to comment on your comparison between yourself and the OW. In general I think that the WS goes for someone almost opposite of their spouse....for reasons we'll never understand. I have, in the past, compared myself to her....not physically, necessarily because I feel I'm her physical (and moral) superior, but she had no kids, has her financial matters in order, etc. But she is so many things I would never want to be. She's really mousy, doesn't wear a stitch of make up, wouldn't say Sh*t if she had a mouth full of it............she's truly my polar opposite.....and VERY uncharacteristic of who my H would normally be interested in. I asked him "What on earth made you interested in HER?!?!" He said "She was completely different from you". I think that they get some kind of adoration from these OP, it's nothing that can be sustained, but it's apparently attractive.....but you know what he was NEVER faithful to her......not even for a minute, so how good could she really be?? He was still coming back for a dose of *Caren*. I must be doing something right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Same with you, don't compare yourself to her, and I wouldn't even wish for your H to want you like he wanted her....because he was chasing a fantasy......something like that burns way too hot to be sustained....it burns out as quickly as it starts.

-Caren

In my case I know the OW and she is nothing to look at and most of our friends that know her can't imagine why WH is interested in her. They all call her nasty. For me there is no comparison, I would not want to be anything like her.

What gets me though is my WH says we are so much alike. So my thoughts are if we are so much alike why can't you be with me... Obviously you must love things about me or why would you find someone who you THINK is like me ???

I don't get it ..

Hey... don't knock burning HOT! (LOL!) Perhaps what he had with her reminded me of what we used to have when he wanted ME like that. Which only furthered my feelings of being replaced and discarded. I know that the honeymoon doesn't last forever, and I want us to have something REAL. But part of me has always and probably always will long for an ocassional knight in shining armor. (Who would have thought he'd get saddle sore so easily!) Who doesn't want her H to look at her and think... WOW! To be appreciated in a way that makes her H LONG for her.

Please understand... I don't want my H to be obsessed with me like he was with OW. I just want to KNOW that he'd chose me EVERYTIME. Not having that security makes me mad as ****** because I LOVE this man. Having his babies has been the most romantic experience I've ever had. And I thought I was something... I don't know SPECIAL... because of what we had together. That is until he left our 9 yr M for a 4 month roll in the menure. What does that make me, now?

Lord, this is so hard to think about. I haven't ever allowed myself to voice this.

It's just occured to me what I did wrong... how I've contributed to my own misery... I staked my self-worth and identity on something that can be taken from me. I thought that being the woman he loved made me special. Imagine my shock to find out that I'm just like everyone else. It's going to be quite an adventure correcting that.

Ladyjane... I don't know if I can do that. I feel sometimes as though the resentment is piling up too thick, too fast, and I'm the only one paying for what HE did. Most of the time I'm going throught the one-big-happy-family motions..."i'm all better, now" facade for the sake of giving it an opportunity to heal and it IS NOT working. I guess I have some decisions to make, huh?

the feelings you have, have nothing to do with ow. i know, ive felt that way for a long time. my sitch is the usual work place roll.....

what she is longing for is what was promised her and then so easily given away. then when found out she still isnt getting it i bet. that is what she is reffering to....what was given so easily and free, she longs for and still isnt getting.

This kind of thing can side track a BH too, you know.

Let’s see. Here are some OM traits I thought I had to rise up to during the five years between D-Day 1 and D-Day 2:

Filthy rich.
Very good looking.
Steely-eyed hot shot pilot.
Better in bed (according to W).
Lots of expensive toys and hobbies.
A doting STAH trophy wife (his second).
Several A’s concurrent with LTA with my W.
Liar.
Cheat.
Thief.
Low morals.
No ethics to speak of.
Entitlement oozes from his pores.
Rather stupid.

When written out like this, the list does tend downhill fast.

On the whole, I don’t think want to be like him after all. Especially not in the next life.

A proper Plan A is more than enough for me, now.

With prayers,

But you've answered your own question <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />....here:

Affairs just WRECK the self-esteem. But here you are, realizing that you've staked your self-worth on someone other than yourself....and better yet, willing to do something about it. Ready to work on rebuilding your self-esteem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's no wonder that you're feeling the strain when you're not being yourself. You're trying to fulfill the ideals that you think will make you a perfect partner in your husband's eyes. But in the end you're left just guessing about what his view of perfection is.

There are ALOT of things we can do to make a better marriage and a better partnership. But you can't change who you are at an elemental level. It's not necessary anyway. In the very beginning, that man chose YOU. He married YOU. Not the person you're trying to be. That's a misrepresentation if it's not who you ARE on the inside.

Understand that YOU are irreplacable in this world. There is NO OTHER like you. You don't have to be beautiful. You don't have to be wealthy. You don't have to be anything but who you are in order to be unique.

If your marriage had gone the other way, and ended in divorce...do you realize that YOU would be the yardstick by which he measured any woman after you? And in some respects, none would ever measure up.

If he's telling you that he loves you, and that he wants to be with you....what do you have to lose by taking him at his word? You've already been hurt in a devastating way, and yet, you made it through. If worse comes to worst, you already know you can withstand the pain. What is left for you to fear?

I elected to believe my husband, when he said that I was the woman he loved. And I elected to believe him when he told me all the reasons why he loved me. My alternative was to believe he was a liar who could never change.

Your husband lied to you before, true. But if you believe that he'll ALWAYS be a liar, and nothing more than that, why are you still with him? Why do you still love him?

Reconciliation is a risky business. It might make you anxious to ante up your heart again. But that's what it takes.

Of course, you need to feel strong in order to do that. You need your self-esteem to be healthy. You can't be worried about OW, if you're going to give your BEST effort to yourself. You need to preserve the positive energy and discard the negative.

Joyful people are ATTRACTIVE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You're not really living, unless you have some joy in your life. What do worries do FOR YOU? Let them go. You don't need them anyway. They aren't at all preventative of trouble. Troubles will come and go. Worrying in advance of them doesn't stop that.

When you are well-adjusted and happy in your life...sharing your joy with your husband and your kids...you'll be practically irresistable. Your self-esteem will shine, and you'll feel strong. Strong enough that you won't NEED him anymore to make you feel whole. It'll be enough just to be together, enjoying one another and your family.

Your marriage will NEVER be perfect, but it doesn't have to be perfect in order to be satisfying to you both.

He can NEVER pay you back for what he did. And if you feel that YOU are "paying", then you have to ask yourself why. Why are you making YOURSELF pay for a debt that can't be repaid anyway?

Hi LadyJane and only OnlyD,


This is the exact realization !!! I have just come to myself.

Finally, I get it!

I am worried though, that my spending so much time studying will undermine our progress, now that I'm back in school. Plus I've been spending a lot of my study time here on MB boards. I need to safeguard our progress by finding ways to keep our 15 hours of Rec. H has promised to sit down and do the EN questionnaire with me. I'm going to give us a few days to work on it, though, because sometimes your first inclination isn't quite what you think it is, if you kwim? One of my greatest ENs now is reassurance, and I never needed that before.

OnlyD, how is your husband helping your recovery?


I heard that! But I'm committed to it!


Image test:

OnlyD, I to will never be OP.

To be OP I would need to :

Lose eight inches in height.
Gain 14 years
Lose my college education
Gain three nasty divorces
Lose my work ethic an dbecome permanently unemployed
Gain an ability to lie and flatter

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

No . What I want to do is gain the ability to meet the ENs in Squid thet he met. Not be anythung like him.

As Mel says FAR better than I ever could, your OW is D-U-M-P-E-D. Passed over. Rejected.

And that after she foun dshe couldnot earn her own good man, but had to steal an already married one.

A pretty , slim, smart trollop is still a trollop ,Only. and nothing to envy from where I stand. Your H isn;t with you , not her, out of pity. remember that.

That is something interesting there. My WH and I were separated for two years. When we reconciled, he told me "The problem with all the other women I dated was none of them was you". Well, barely a year later, he has become a WH and is living out of the house.

I do see that my self worth can not be measured by another human's "quality of life" issues. At least not another adult human, my kids love me and that feels good.

My WH also made a list of things he likes about me, and I do not know OW, but I cannot imagine that we have the same values, principles or moral standards that WH said he admired about me. I guess I would rather have my self worth reflected by people that I DO trust and DO have respect for. WH can not be my mirror today.

Never compare yourself to anyone else. while you were concerned about being her she was more jeolous of you. you had what she wanted yet could not have.

Thanks Ladyjane... I guess we all need to be reminded sometimes of who we are, why we're here... you know... be reminded that we can't base our decisions or self worth on what someone else does or does not do. Isn't that a pretty accurate definition of codependency?