As the subject line says, WH did finally admit that he has to decide whether he wants to be married or he wants to be single. An admission like this is a major breakthrough for him. I did not get upset or argue with him or try to talk him into staying married. I calmly and sincerely thanked him for his honesty and then left the house to to grocery shopping.

The trouble at the moment is not so much that he's got an OW (that I am aware of, though he's got a long history of dating his female co-workers under the cover of "business.")

The trouble is the single-guy mindset he has had for many years as far as doing whatever he wants whenever he wants to do it, whether it's work-related or not, and saying that I am being "controlling" if I think my needs and feelings should be considered along with his own.

He stone-cold refuses to POJA anything. But why would he? POJA is for couples.

I am not looking for sympathy here. For anyone who does not know, this is probably the worst "cold case" on MB. We are still under the same roof.

I am just curious as to whether anyone thinks this is a good sign or if this is just something they finally own up to when they're getting ready to leave. I have offered to move out when DS17 leaves, but WH has said repeatedly that he does not want me to leave.

????????????
Mulan

Mulan,
Your WH kinda sounds like mine,we have been married for
21 years and I have always given him his space...he does
what he wants when he wants with his friends and without
me. I realize now that this should not have ever have started and I don't think you can "change" a man who has
had this type of freedom. I don't mean to be a downer -
but I hear you and understand.

Chat

Chat,
I'll bet you did the same thing I did -- you gave him his "space" and never pushed to be included because you didn't want to be a b*tch, didn't want to be his mommy, didn't want to be the old ball-and-chain, didn't want to be the nagging wife, etc. etc. ad nauseam.

I have learned, now, that this approach will only get you a selfish, entitled spouse who learns that it's okay to ignore you and behave like a single person all day but who will fully expect you, the loving spouse, to *still* be there waiting for them at the end of the day.

You don't have to be a b*tch (or b*stard) to avoid this, but I would say that any spouse who doesn't care about you when they're out having fun is waving a HUGE red danger signal.

Sure wish I'd understood this a long, long time ago . . . like about fifteen years . . . I am only posting now in an effort to help others and to give myself an outlet, and maybe to feel a little less alone.

Thanks, chat, for responding.
Mulan

Mulan,
The POJA is in place in our marriage. It took two words: "Move out."
Cherished

***decided to delete as I missed the orginal intent of the poster****

Apologies.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mulan,

Your H's line is a bunch of crap. Mine said the same thing. I told him he doesn't get to decide now....there's the door, may it knock you to your knees on your way out. Arrrgh.... who do those WS crazid nutheads think they are? Certianly not a gift from any sane and wise being. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

As for POJA, he can't do that because he is still a WS.

U ready for plan B yet?

L.

Cherished, I know you are right.

Lemonman, c'mon, man, don't offer to say something and then withdraw! Cruel! I got enough of that at home!

Orchid, I was ready for it long ago. As I have said before, I am home for DS17. I am not posting for sympathy or support, really; I just would like to see if others have had WSs who have admitted to this (finally) and if it ever made any difference.

IMHO, virtually all WS are trying to be both married and single. If they weren't, they'd just move out on meeting their "soulmate" and we would not be reading about them here. But most of them do stay and do try their damndest to persuade the BS to go along with this arrangement that they've decided they're entitled to. Which is why there are so many, many posters on MB.

I guess I am just reporting that it's sort of like when a BS finally gets hard proof of an A and realizes they weren't crazy after all. It's horrible news, but in a strange way a relief, too.
Mulan

Mulan:

I withdrew it because it was made without seeing that you were just "venting". I apologize for editing that. I hate when others do that and should have just kept it on there. My bad.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes exactly , and unfortunately ***some*** people do "plans" that at ***times*** may help continue and enable this behavior to continue.

Lem