Hmmm . . . my WH has an F-250 AND an F-350. Guess things aren't looking too good. . .

My self-imposed Plan B deadline is fast approaching. I have been Plan A since April, just after the second Dday. We live like roommates, together but apart. No SF for more than a year, just after the first DDay. I have no idea if he is still in an A. He is very busy with work and school, and most of his time is accounted for. He has been joining me and DD lately on errands, and we have been friendly with each other. No LBs. I'm not sure how I will manage Plan B, as I have a difficult full time job and our wonderful little DD, who loves him so much. My plan was to sell our house, but I just read here that that is not such a good idea. So how do I get him to move out as part of Plan B?

.....bumped.....

Help! If I am going into Plan B, how do I get WH to LEAVE?

How well have you been meeting his ENs ?

"How do I get him to leave?"

He's still deep in his affair? Yes? No? Makes a difference....

Hi Pep - Thanks for replying, and for your help in the past. I believe his ENs are Admiration, Affection and SF. I have been trying to be complimentary toward him and to touch him affectionately from time to time to try to meet the first two, but SF is out the window. Last time I tried, which was months ago, he said "Things can't just go back to where they were . . ." or something like that. I don't think he's still deep in the A because most of his time is accounted for, but he still has C with OW through work. What do you think?

As long as he has contact with the OW, your marriage is doomed. Have you talked calmly to him and let him know that you want a real marriage?

What IS a real marriage? WH has always been very independent, marching to his own drummer. He behaves as if I don't really exist. For example, he went ahead and made plans to go away with a few of his buddies (yes, it's true) and told me after the flights were all booked, etc. Shouldn't one half of a married couple ordinarily mention to their S they are thinking of going away on X date, and how would the S feel about that? He also put an offer down on an "investment" house, without telling me. I found the offer hidden in a drawer. So, to answer your question, I've never been in a real marriage. But I have told WH several times that I am committed to our M and I want to work on it . . .

Plan B isn't looking so bad . . . but how do I GET HIM OUT?

Okay - really - can anyone out there help me? Should I plan A some more? Should I move out with DD? How can I do Plan B successfully if he still lives with us? Should I ask him to leave? From what I've read here, if I don't execute Plan B, I could be stuck in Plan A forever . . . right? I have no idea what to do now. Can anyone help?

Why are you trying to control him?

If you choose to plan B, that is your decision.

You cannot make him leave.

You can ASK him to leave. If he doesn't then you have to decide if you want to.

But you can't GET him to do anything.

T

Wow - that smarts! I was really just trying to draw attention to my post since my earlier heading didn't.

I didn't think I was trying to control him -- I just want him to make up his mind, since he has been saying "I don't know" for MONTHS and Plan A is about to make the 6 month mark!

But Confused, your post kinda woke me up because that's WH's biggest complaint about me - being too controlling. Am I?

I would start to get the Plan B "ducks in a row", and in short order.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Lem. Does this mean I should ask him to leave, and if he doesn't, move out myself? I am prepared to sell the house, if I must.

Well,

If you think in terms of trying to make him do things:

Wanting him to make a decision.
Wanting him to move out.
Wanting him to...

These are all ways you are trying to control what he does.

You cannot do this.

You CAN decide what YOU are going to do.

You can say to yourself, if he doesn't end his affair by Friday, I'm moving to plan B. I will ask him to move out. If he doesn't move out, I will move out.

Think in terms of what you WILL do. Not how can I get him to do something.

Ultimately, by trying to control him, you give up control of yourself.

T

I don't know the "marriage builder" program answer to that one. I honestly don't. I can tell you what ****I**** would do, but I am fearful that may derail your marriage builder program and efforts, etc... The "pros" on the program can tell you what to do with this, and what would be acceptable to Steve Harley, etc...

If I were you, I would sell the house and begin to do a plan B with the FULL expectation that this may become permanent without SIGNIFICANT changes in your Wayward.

I fully disclaim that I am pretty ignorant of the marriage builders principles and strategies as described here, and that this may not necessarily be what the program would have you do. Seek a professional opinion on the program.

Goodluck.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I get it now, Confused (smack to left side of head). Your advice makes good sense. I have been taking the advice I have read here too literally, i.e. "The BS shouldn't move out, WS should" without appreciating the bigger picture, which is what you are suggesting. Thanks. It would just be so much EASIER if WH would take a position!

Oh no my dear......your Wayward Husband has MORE THAN taken a "position" here, you just haven't been able to "see it" through your own fog.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes, you have to make the hard decisions. It is not just his life he is playing around with, it is yours and if you have children, theirs too.

Thanks for the compliment!

God Bless,

T

This is what I am prepared to do, but of course it would be a HUGE LB. WH has put tremendous work into our home. I suspect what you are suggesting does follow MB principles in many respects, with the risk that it will be too much of a LB to permit WH to recover. And Confused's response makes sense to me, it just adds another step before the inevitable. Groan. Thanks. If any of the MB elders have some thoughts, I would love to hear them . . .

Control is a fantasy, we cannot control most things. There is only one thing under our control and that is our behavior.

We can have preferences, such as I prefer to be married to a faithful partner. However, we cannot force our partner to be faithful. Ultimately, we must decide if we want to build our marriage or leave.

I can tell you, it's not much easier if our partner does decide and chooses the affair partner over you. From my experience, it was the most gut wrenching thing I've done, and I've survived cancer for 11 years now!

The MB program is not about changing our spouse, it is about change how we behave.

Meeting emotional needs is something YOU DO for you spouse.
Eliminating Love Busters is something YOU DO for your spouse.

Yes, you try to entice your partner back into conflict if they are withdrawn, or intimacy if you are in conflict. But you can't force them or educate them there.

You have to offer something MORE attractive than their affair partner.

So it's all about what you will do. Including the choice to go to plan B.

You make your plan, you consolidate your resources and you execute your plan.

You give your WH a choice, NC with OP and work on the marriage with me, or not. The consequence of choosing not to end contact with the OP means you will no longer attempt to meet ANY of your WH needs, he is on his own, dependent upon OP and hisself for all needs.

But none of this is about you GETTING him to do something as in manipulation or coersion. It's about being attractive, and protection. You attempt to be as attractive to him as possible, while still protecting what love you have left.

If you try to control him, that will end with you becoming frustrated, and that doesn't protect the fragile love you have remaining for your WH.

HTH,

T

Well said. (smack to left side of head followed by smack to right side of head)

Thanks for bringing this thought home. I REALLY appreciate your help, and Lemonman's.

I think I will Plan A like crazy for about two more weeks to increase my comfort level, then decide. Thanks again.