--<p>[This message has been edited by Benna (edited September 28, 1999).]

It just breaks my heart each time we have a new poster, and another marriage polluted with infidelity.<P>If you gotta face this, this is a good place to be. <P>I'm glad you have ended your relationships with OM(s). By not ending it, you can't fix what is wrong with the marriage.<P>Have you read the Basic Concept portion of this site? Because it gives a plan of actions that can make a difference in your marriage. And it only takes one spouse to get the ball rolling.<P>Have you identified your emotional needs? What about lovebusters. Are there a lot of that going around? And what they say about the accuser - (pot calling the kettle black) is hogwash. I was the one who accused my H, and I wasn't the one who was cheating. Not that my needs aren't being met either - but maybe because I wasn't in the 'wrong' place and the 'wrong time', and maybe he was. <P>I used to believe in my junior days that the only right to feel angry, and upset was the betrayed, and now after being on this board I realize it is a 2 way street. Both parties feel hurt and need to recover.<P>Your marriage is worth fighting for. I think the first thing to do is to find out what is wrong, what is wrong with you, what is wrong with Husband, and what is wrong in the way you two interact. And the other thing is to find out what you both need, and do it. No lovebusters.<P>No lovebusters means no angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgements, no fighting. <P>Keep posting, it is the best therapy in the world.<BR>

Hi Benna,<P>I saw your other post and even went into it to read it, but then got busy at work. Now I see that you've edited it out.<P>Anyway, I believe the first thing for you to do is to come clean with your husband. There is no way you're going to be able to fix what's wrong with your marriage until he knows just how serious it is. Yes, it is scary, and people say many things about what would happen if they catch their spouses in affairs. But noone knows how they'll really react until it actually happens for real. You don't really know how your husband will react, and neither does he.<P>That's where you should start. There will be alot of fall-out from there, and how you proceed is dependent on what happens after. I suppose there is a way to start working on your problems without telling him of your infidelity, but that's the best way, IMHO. There's no easy way to tell someone about that kind of thing... you just have to build up your courage and tell him.<P>What kind of marriage do you have that is so unusual? You mention in your profile that your husband is a sex addict... Could you please give a little more info? I'd like to help a little more...<P>--andy

--<p>[This message has been edited by Benna (edited September 28, 1999).]

Welcome Benna. I'm so sorry to hear of your problems. I can't really offer any better advice than TnT - but listen to her. Your marriage is full of problems. I can't address those right now. But, please, look at those problems, whether or not you can help your h help himself - or even if he wants to - and decide what you want to do about your marriage BEFORE looking outside your marriage again for fulfillment. <P>If you do this, you are not in jeopardy of losing your son. If you do this, you can respect yourself and know that you have done everything that you could. <P>I can only imagine how you are hurting now and I will be thinking about you and praying for you. You will find much good advice here. <P>Be strong.<P>Lori

Many people on this site have issues and problems that are easy to give advice to. You aren't one of them... <P>Wow! You've certainly got a complex situation on your hands. But I still think you should talk to your husband and get everything out in the open as far as your infidelity. He needs to know how serious this is.<P>First of all, I wouldn't worry too much about you losing your son. You mentioned "province"... I assume that means you don't live in the U.S.? What sort of custody laws do they have where you live. If it's anything like here, there are clear cut judgements for visitation and stuff like that. Secondly, the way he's been acting (bringing you to swingers clubs and having women lick his chest at parties) should put him on rather shakey ground to get full-custody of your kid. So anyway, that should be the least of your problems...<P>As far as the sex thing goes... I'm not really sure what I can tell you. I'm pretty liberal about sexual fantasies, but I usually draw the line in trying to get my wife to do stuff she doesn't want to do. It's just not fun to me if my wife doesn't enjoy it too.<P>It sounds to me like your husband can't see how serious of a problem this is for you. At the same time, it's pretty obvious that sex is his number one emotional need. Somehow, you two need to work out some kind of compromise; coming up with stuff that's kinky enough for him, but that you still enjoy. But if he can't go without the girl-boy-girl thing... then he probably needs a little councelling help to get over that.<P>Gawsh, your problem is so far out of my league... I hope someone else can chime in here and give you a hand, cuz I don't know if I'm being any help at all!<P>--andy

You certainly do have a complex situation, Andy is right.<P>First, I would make sure there aren't any lovebusters going on. And NO contact with any more men. This situation does not need to have any added complications.<P>Second, Read information on the site - Basic Concepts, and get some self help books for the sex addict. It is good that you understand what your husband and you are going through.<P>Third, Get rid of your counselor. Find one that believes that marriages can be saved, and one that will help you work past your problems in your marriage. You don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.<P>Fourth, Work on your self esteem. It seems you need your confidence back. Your confidence can help you communicate better with your husband about boundaries that you need. Communication skills, self esteem, and boundaries are all something that we can learn.<P>Fifth, Find out the laws in your area for your son, husband and self. You need to know facts, so you can't be intimidated or threatened. Have an escape plan prepared, in the event your husband goes wacko - and you need to have a safe environment.<P>Sixth, After developing a safe environment for escape if you need it, then you need to stage your confession. <P>Seventh, Offer your husband a solution to this problem. It is a real bummer to have a problem wham bam hit you in the face, and then - not have any idea where to go for help. Give him some ideas on how you think this can best work.<P>Eighth, if this all feels too overwhelming, then just take one step at a time - or call the counseling site on this forum. <P>How are you coping with all of this? Are you okay? Do you need to get checked for STD's? Do you need to start using protections during sex with your husband?<P>I'm no marriage counselor, believe me. But what I am is another person on this board who is dealing with past infidelity and am on the road to recovery. It is a roller coaster, for sure - but it will be worth it. <P>God's peace to you.<BR>TNT