I have been receiving great support and advice from this forum in the last few weeks....if only I was strong enough to act on the advice. Anyway, when you are dealing with an abusive person, reality and like what's normal gets really hazy. This hit me in the night and so I need to ask "what is normal". My H and I have been married for almost 6 years. Like I have said in previous posts, the drinking and abuse started after we got married, but also this. My H has always put my family down, like we have too many birthday parties for people in the family, my Mom likes to have Sunday dinner and have the family over, while H thinks it is just too much and chooses to stay home while the kids and I go. So I say the same thing over and over to my family.....H is tired, or usually he us golfing and drinking. I don't tell them this but it is usually what goes on. Also, he makes it clear he does not want any company or visitors on Sunday especially. If my parents were to come over, he would freak and I would have to pay for it for the rest of the evening. In a subtle way of course while they were there, but then he would be distant and mad the rest of the evening because he didn't have his afternoon to relax. He doesn't need his afternoon to relax from like a stressful job because he doesn't have a stressful job. What he does is sit in his chair and drink beer, the tv blaring and occupies the room like this for the entire day late into the night. I beg him to stay home from golf and spend the day with the kids and I, so he stayed home, but wasn't really even there. Physically, but not anything else. He also has recently verbalized to me that he and my family really don't have that much in common and that is why he doesn't ever go over there for family get togethers. Do you know how many times my kids ask, "why doesn't daddy come with us"? Makes me sad. Now, I don't have everything in common with his parents but they are pleasant to be around and that is what you do in a family right? I would love to cook a big meal for my family and have them over but I know that I can't without absolutely upsetting my H so bad. I just need someone to tell me if this is typical of husbands or if this is warped. I feel so stupid for asking but my reality is warped to say the least. Thanks in advance. Also, he is now picking up a 6 pack on his way home from work. Drinking it in his pickup . I have had a therapist tell me to consider having him picked up when I know he is doing it. Has anyone had experience with this? What a life I've carved out for myself.

It sounds like he absolutely has to stop drinking.

I had my husband picked up while drinking and driving. There was a court order that he got to take the kids every Saturday, even though I complained that he drank and drove. One day he brought the kids back, and fell out of the pick-up. I called the police and asked them to stop him a little way away from my home, so the kids wouldn't have to see it.

He was arrested (his third time).

Jenny, living with an alcoholic is horrific. Horrific for you, and even worse for your children. They are developing and soaking in all the dysfunction and pain of living with an alcholic. I know, I speak from experience. My mother married an alcoholic when I was 5. I endured many, tramatic scenes, that effect me today. I never had friends spend the night because we never knew when the step-father was going to get looped and become verbally abusive. We were told we were pigs and other names when he was drunk. My mom would spend hours driving around with us kids, most of the time until midnight, waiting for the drunk to pass out. My mother never protected us from this lifestyle.
Do the right thing. Be tough and make your husband accountable for his actions. Get your children out of this enviroment.
Sincerely,
K.D's Heartbreak, step-child of alcoholic.

Part of the actions of an abuser is to isolate the victims from friends and family. You may want to make a couple of appointments with a child counselor to find out more about the effect of your husband's behavior (both the drinking issues and the abuse issues, which are not necessarily related). Or maybe you could go to your pastor to seek advice. The school guidance counselor may help if you are comfortable with that. Check out a couple of books from the library on alcoholism, or the efects of growing up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional environment. There is also literature describing the behaviors of Adult Children of Alcoholics, which may describe your husband even if his family didn't drink. Another book I could recommend would be "Women Who Love Too Much."

Jenny- I know for a fact that some of my WW's behavior is directly linked from growing up with an alcoholic father, not to mention that he also had affairs.
Natrually she turned to a raging alcoholic loser for the OM.
Your husband needs to quit, as this can't be a good enviorment for your children, not too mention yourself.

My husbands father is abusive, more so when my H and his brothers were young, and their mother did noting to protect them. It is my full-time job here. I have stood my ground with this man a million times, given ultimatums, threats, begged for counseling. My husband has anger issues from growing up with the father he had, alcohol to cope, he has insecurity problems, he has got it all. Control issues. I need another man on this forum to tell me if it is normal to be so "in need" of relaxation time that family can't come over......blah blah blah. I think of this too......if he did leave, nothing drastic would change. He sleeps in until 9-10 am, oldest is already off to school, comes home later in the evening after his drinking, kids getting ready for bed, if he is home he is in his chair drinking his beer,or taking his smoke breaks out back, so he really isn't "here".
The kids and I go on vacations together, down to my parents home in Florida. We do maybe one thing together as a family all summer, and it was for like 3 hours at an amusment park. I do everything here. Don't get me wrong, he does pay the bills, I work one day a week, that would all be adjusted, but as far as the everday life, there was one time when he was on a business trip and my daughter asked, 2 days later, where's *******? It took her that long. Again, he comes and goes, but when he is here, he really isn't here. Oh God, what to do. i guess I am going to take the first step and write him a letter today explaining that the drinking is done. No more, don't come home with it on your breath, no more. We'll go from there. I just want peace, and you know what???? I would LOVE to cook a big meal for my family on Sunday and have them over, like what Sundays used to be like, but we tip toe around this house witht he King in his chair and his beloved booze. I am angry and tired. Anyway, any input would be appreicated.

jenny..

the time is at hand for you to nothing with your husband

the time is at hand for you to get all your duckies lined up in a row and proceed to remove yourself and the children from this existance...

the first step is for you to get to ALANON and seek support and education on what you can do as the wife of an active alcoholic.

i guess I am going to take the first step and write him a letter today explaining that the drinking is done. No more, don't come home with it on your breath, no more.

that is an exercise in futility and it would be a foolish thing to do on your part.....

you can't ulitimatum him in to anything.......
period.......

DO NOTHING that involves him

I am not kidding about ALANON
the time is at hand for YOU to decide how much longer you will play a role in his chaos..........

time to start saving money
time for a plan to either have him gone from the house or
you gone
time to decide that you will not be married to an active alchoholic and will only tolerate a husband seeking and in recovery

period....

this has nothing to do with him at this point
marriage builders does not work with addictions....
but it can work with you..........

ARK

bump

Hi there. I did it!!! Nope, I didn't leave yet, but I went to my first ALANON. I sat there and I fought back tears because I never thought in my life I would ever be one of those people, like in a support group for such a big problem. They are such wonderful people with sad stories. This was the first step to my plan. I am going to attend these meetings weekly, and then pray that through MY change in attitude, my H will want to start "seeking and recovering". I have to say that "ark" opened my eyes, didn't coddle me and layed the truth out, firm but gentle and kind, and enough was enough. I am happy that I have taken this step. I'll let you know what happens. I would love to have a sober household and life. I don't think I will know how to act if it ever happens. Do not worry though, I will not attend ALANON for a long time without my H making a real active effort to attend AA. I love my H, but I hate the other man the H becomes when he is drinking.
Thanks for listening.

Good for you! Congratulations on taking the first step in improving life for your family.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU..
I want you to know that it is easy easy easy to sit here and type to people what they should do.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

but YOU did the hardest part......
YOU did it...

may blessings be heaped and heaped upon you...

ARK^^

No ark, may blessings be heaped upon you my friend. You led me there. Thank God for the internet, because you all are my first support group, and led me in the right direction, which I needed. I have to say though, my H has been home from work for over an hour, second night in a row without a drink, and it is so obvious what kind of addiction he has. He is trying to hold it together, but there is a different kind of tension, and it lies in the fact that I can see inside him, he would do anything for a drink. He is addicted. As a nurse, I can see the physical dependency, and that makes me sad for him. Anyway, thank you dear friends again. You're a wonderful lifeline to have.