Almost everybody in this forum have kids. So whenever I get an advice I think about them.
So what would you do if you didn't have any kids and you were at the beginning of your M? (In terms of recovery)
thanks

If I did not have kids, I would have hit the road! (I think). I love my DH, I hate the WH he has become, recovery sounds like a very long and painful process. We are no where near starting recovery, but as of now, I feel so ditrustful and so disrespected that I have no confidence that we can get there from here.

I never would have accepted this behavior from a boyfriend and I think that had this happened prekids-I probably would have left. I have tried to honestly look at what I am going to need for my recovery, and at this point, it seems unfair to ask my WH to come home and try. I think, in my gut, he is not capable of giving me the safety to recover.

Immediate divorce from me I think John.

That does not mean that only kids keep us together now. We are recovering well !

But I would not have summoned the nobility to forgive and work on ending the affair and recovery if not fo rmy kids best interests I think.

My kids are grown and on their own John. I still do have an invested interest in preserving my marriage for them. Also, I feel that if you love the person, and they were a good person prior to the affair, no matter how long you were married, if my heart still loved them, I would still try. I feel that one will repeat their mistakes in life, again, and again, if you don't figure out how to fix something. So, even if you don't recover your marriage, you find out what went wrong, and correct your thinking and behavior that helped to contribute to this problem. Maybe that might include reading self help books, that show you how to be the best person you can be. Counseling would also be an excellent choice.
My father was a womanizer and wanderer. My mother was his first wife. She was the only one that did not cheat with him prior to marriage. My dad was married 5 times. Each time he got a divorce, it was because he was having an affair with the next wife. My dad worked until this last year at the ripe age of 76 of age. He was forced to work all these years because of his leacherous choices of choosing to have affairs, then marrying the adulterer, only to cheat on them after a few years of marriage.
My point is, he never learned from his mistakes. He paid dearly, financially and emotionally.
If he had tried to find out what happened in his first marriage, and tried to change his own destructive behaviors, he might have been happily married to my mother today.

Sorry to hear of your situation.

Me - I'm not married but have a child with a wayward partner, for me I needed to consider what my feelings for him were and whether I should put in the effort that is required to try to save the relationship. My daughter does factor into this decision, but for me the overriding factor is how much do I love him, and could I walk away without giving it my best shot, for me I couldn't I would always be wondering what if! I guess I also want to tell my daughter someday when she asks if things don't work out that I tried my very best.

So what I am trying to say to you, is ask yourself how much you love your wife, can you identify what went wrong? Is it something you can change and are willing to work on it? Would you be happy to walk away without trying?

Take care

Hi John...

I too am in a similar situation as your own. We don't have any children together, he has 2 from his first marriage that live with their mother across the country. We've been together for about 4 years and married 10 whole months. He had an EA at the 6 month mark.

I think the decision to stay and try really depends on a lot of factors. Like, what was happening in your lives when the A started? How long have you been together overall? How much of your financial lives are combined?

I do think that those of us without children and early in the marriage don't take as long to work on things. Where Steve Harley recommends 3-6 months for Plan A and up to 18 months for Plan B, I think our version is shortened a bit. Simply because we don't have as much invested and our love banks aren't as full. We hit empty sooner if our WS remain with the aliens. But, that's just my opinion.

As for me, D-Day was 4 months ago. We had 1 false recovery and are now living seperately. I have given up just yet, but it's getting more and more difficult as time goes by.

No matter what, if you work Plan A and Plan B you will be successful. You will either be working on your marriage together or, and this is the part that gets overlooked, OR you will fall out of love for that person.

If you choose to try with your WS, we'll all be here to listen and help when we can. That's the great part about this place. Glad you're here.

Johnalone,

The lack of children and a short term marriage are indeed factors in determining how hard one works to rebuild a marriage. Harley himself states that he would probably divorce if there were no children.

However, in a way the lack of children makes this easier for you to work on the marriage. What this means is that you two can have a more straight forward interaction about the marriage. You can be sure that if she wants to remain your W it is because of you and NOT the kids.

The final and telling issue is the amount of change that she is willing to make. What she has learned. What you have learned. Are you goals in life the same? Are you understanding what each of you need from the other?

In your situation, your #1 need is probably a W that is with you and not off somewhere else. Honesty and fidelity are also right up there. But, you must also weigh the aspect that if she curtails her dreams, will she resent you for doing so.

So yes having children often encourages people to work longer and harder on the marriage, however their presence often leads to wondering if the spouse is only their BECAUSE of the children. You don't have that concern.

Good news and bad news.

I would suggest that you hang in there a bit longer and learn more from this. You marriage may well survive and become much stronger.

God Bless,

JL

John,

No kids in our marriage but I still want to get us back on track. It's hard for me to justify staying with her after what she did to me since I have no additional ties to this marriage.

In a nutshell, I don't know what I'm gonna do. If my feelings don't change (anger and disgust) then I'm gonna have to leave. I'm trying to remain hopeful in that I won't be sick when I touch her because she gave herself anxiously to someone else because she didn't care about our marriage or my feelings.