Can someone tell me how to detach? This seems to be what I need to do.

WH and son come home from being over night at a hocke game. I did not go this time as I usually do. WH was in a mood and we got in an argument over something one of the kids did and he was so cold and unfeeling so I blew up. Does not happen often, but enough is enough.

I told him to pack his bags and leave. I said call the kids let's tell them this marriage/family is over and you can leave since you obviously don't want to be here. I stood up and he was on the couch and said, come on and go pack your bags. He says no. What??? Well, I can't leave because I take care of the kids so you need to leave. Again...no I don't want to.

So I just walk away and say nothing else. Should I have packed his bags for him??? Then he comes upstairs where I am and said do you want to watch a movie with DS8 and I?

Who is this alien??????? I thought he wanted to leave so why did he stay??

How can I detach with him in the house?

Anyone?? I have got to take my heart out of all this.

I did detach. What I did was not respond to his angry outbursts. I just walked away with a shrug of my shoulder - like who cares.. I read alot of books, listened to music on the computer or sat on my porch. Or if it got really bad I just left and wnt shopping or a ride. If he wanted to go somehere I was unavailable. I had to to remove myself from his verbal abuse. I just thought of him as someone I did not know. Or care about. It still got to me however, I learned nmot to show him my feelings.

My WH does not have angry outbursts. His indifference to everything is what leads me to angry outbursts!! I know that is wrong, but he acts like he doesn't care most of the time and it hurts me. So this time I got mad and said leave and he said no.

So...I just don't know how to act or what to do any more. I think I have been trying too hard, but my feeling is he does not try at all so someone needs to do something to save this marriage.

Maybe my thinking is wrong. That is why I think I need to detach. My feelings are always hurt. This is really hard!

Detaching while you are still living under the same roof is like being in your own emotional prison. I am there right now. I have been slowly detaching for years, and now, I am there. My husband is an alien. I don't know him and it's because he is an alcoholic and has anger issues and whatever. It is not fun and your children will know something is not right and I think will create insecure children. You can only be detached for so long while you're living together before it drives you nuts and you just can't prolong the inevitable. It sucks bad. I just want peace in my home, and I have what I consider an invader and someone that sucks the very happiness and joy right out of my family. Good luck to you. This is so hard I know.

Hi Lost,
Once again I can absolutely relate!
Its not easy to detach...somedays easier then others. I can only relay what has helped me (not that its the right path for you).

I had to look at my plan A. Initially I was doing things only to please HIM...my efforts were unrecognized and unappreciated and I felt like a doormat. So I adjusted my plan A to do the things I thought were important (not his priority list) So I appreciated the results of my efforts and didn't give him the power to hurt me because I didn't care if he noticed or not. Aliens are blind to BS.

When he does things that bother me...I now call him on it...again it probably doesn't phase him much , I usually get the blank stare but at least I have the satisfaction of standing up for myself.

I've been waiting for him to leave...he doesn't want to go. So I asked myself how would I be living my life if he was not here? Then thats what I do.

My WH has never been able to verbalize an apology. He does what your WH does, like inviting you to watch a movie to smooth things out. I am starting to think that my expectation of him suddenly opening up and verbalizing his thoughts and feelings is unrealistic. He has made small efforts, he claims NC, he is staying home at night, sharing some events of his day, joining in family activities.

We have developed our (me and WH) marital dynamic for 19 yrs. I have started to change the way I interact with him so I'm hoping it will alter his response. We had a good weekend. But when I see him I sometimes see him as 2 people H/alien. I have an expected response from both of them. Lately I'm seeing more H response then alien response.

I hope that helps...I know this is not easy.

Just wanted to lend some support. It is very hard as my H is a FWH (I am pretty sure it is over--but not 100%) and I am a FWW. So, he is naturally very hurt. But, it comes across as anger and disrespect toward me. A few months ago, I would have been in tears over his treatment of me, now I know that no matter what I did, I do not deserve the bad treatment I get sometimes. I do enforce my boundaries and I know I will be OK no matter what happens in my M.

It does help to think of him as an alien, as I have said on many occasions that I believe my "real" H is still in there-- and he reassures me he is. But, I see him so infrequently, it is sad. I know I have done terrible damage to my M, but there is a certain amount of consideration and respect I deserve no matter what I have done.

It is not easy to detach, but it does help. I think of it as a "non-Plan B". I have my feelings for him in a protective jar and I try not to let his bad actions affect my love for the man I know he is. Someday though, he may cause enough cracks in my protective jar to break it and allow that love to be lost, but for now, I keep it safe away from the harm and pain he is causing right now (for which I feel somewhat responsible because of my A.)

It’s not just detach.

It’s called loving detachment. Spouses of souses have to learn this.

I had to learn this.

Actually, I had to relearn it. The way W treated me during her 10 year secret LTA caused me to detach unconsciously. Didn’t help her, me or our M a bit.

Loving detachment during withdrawal and contact after D-Day. That does help me and DS a lot – once I finally got it right.

It’s not easy, but it is necessary.

It can be done. Plan B is loving detachment.

With prayers,

You guys are great!

My detachment for today is that I cooked dinner and my sons and I ate without Dad. I did not call or email him asking what time he would be home. He knows we eat dinner around 6-6:30 and he was not here. So no waiting for him! I know that's not much, but I feel like I am in control of that small situation!

Confused - You are right. I put too much emphasis on him and his needs and then get my feelings hurt when he falls short...which is all the time lately! So I must re-prioritize and do what is right for me. My H used to be the most considerate man and always thoughtful of my feelings. I guess that is why I am so hurt by his actions. I am working on being strong, which is hard for me!

Improving - Thanks for the support! I will tell myself every day...I do not deserve this bad treatment! I also need to get my protective jar ready store my feelings because I truly believe my good sweet H is in there somewhere and I do not want to lose the love for him.

Aphelion - Loving detachment. You are right and there is that Plan B thing again! Scares me but it might be a necessity very soon.

I think there was a link to a thread on loving detachment on someones post here but I can't seem to find it. I will keep looking.

Everyday is a learning day for me! I am a conflict avoider and I am a dependent person even though I can do anything myself!! My H has been gone enough with the Marines to let me know that I can be ok alone. I hate it, but it won't kill me!

Not only will it not kill you, it will feel great! If you do it right.

I watched Under The Tuscan Sun the other night. I know, it's a chick flick so don't tell any of the other guys, ok?

Not to give the ending away, but I felt warm and fuzzy watching the main character grow into her new more complete person.

With prayers,

LOVE that movie!!!!! I saw it the other night too!

Oh...to live in Tuscany!! It looks heavenly!

I hope I can feel great again!

Thanks!

That is why I am still here, despite the poor treatment-- I believe in him and us.

I agree with Aphelion, it needs to be loving detachment. My H detached (not lovingly) from me quite a bit during my A (and during his own) and we are still struggling to find our way back to each other. He became detached to the point that he believed he was not even in love with me anymore when I had my A and there appears to have been some re-writing of marital history as well. He seems to have a hard time remembering the happy times... maybe it hurts too much, I don't know. I know it hurts me because it reminds me how much I hurt him and messed everything up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He doesn't want to DETACH from you, nor do you.
Find common ground to love each other again without constraints and a false sense of what JUSTICE looks like.
We cannot in our human state, ever know what justice is as we have never been truly exposed to JUSTICE Himself!
All of God's Blessings,\
Jerry

Detachment with Love

read both the new and the old threads.

Plan B is one way of detaching with love.

I'm confused?
What is your point?
Thanks for bearing with my ignorence.
Blessings,
Jerry

Thank you BR for the link. I am really reading because I want to detach with love. I still have faith in my H and my marriage. It's the alien I need to detach from. I think I have started today!

Improving - I really appreciate everything that you have shared with me. I hope that my WH sees the light like you did. I will be there for him.

Jerry - I'm sorry I'm not sure what you are asking and I don't know anything about your situation. If you want to share I am sure someone can help!

Lost, do not minimize your efforts. You've made a start and taken a stand, you set a boundary....be home in time for dinner...consequence>>>We will eat without you and you will eat alone.


Again, I can abolutely relate. I never had to set boundaries in my marriage before because my H was always very giving and considerate. When the kids came into the picture I took a lot of that for granted. I didn't appreciate all the things that he normally did...until he wasn't there for me.

Some guys are jerks from the get go...so you don't expect much from them... when they hurt you badly enough you say ok thats it, you never really treated me well anyway. I dated a lot of guys like that. My friends would all tell me how lucky I was to have my H that he treated me so well. We used to joke that I had dated all the jerks and chose well when I got married. Thats what keeps me in there. I know my H. And I know for him to get the the point of having an A, I let him down. But it was his decision to develope a R w/OW. We are both conflict avoiders. He did not want to come to me and say "Hey c42 you're a great mom, but what about me? I feel neglected. I need more of your time and attention." So he accepted innocent attention from a female friend and it grew from there.

Sorry I'm rambling. Hang in there Lost.

Lost,
How are you?

Well I must be the stupidest person on the face of the planet. My WH was putting forth some effort, so I thought! Remember I asked him to leave Sunday night and he said no? Well, ever since then he has been a little more like H although still not right. I thought maybe he was coming around.

I sent him the EN questionaire in hopes that he would fill it out. He did not nor did he acknowledge that he got it.

So this morning I have to take him to the train station and he is acting weird. We are talking about tires on the car and he jumps down my throat about some trivial thing. So of course out come the LB's. I ask him why he hates me so much. He says he doesn't. I tell him I am tired of walking on eggshells around him and wondering when he will be home. Like tonight...I ask are you coming home for dinner? He says...I don't know. I said I should not have to ask, if you want to be a part of this family then you automatically come home for dinner.

Now here's the kicker...WH says...well I thought I was spending part of my time there(at work, in the city, sleeping in the office) and part of my time home and that was working. WHAT???????? Working for WHO...YOU????

I can't believe he actually wants to live our life with him coming home when he wants and sleeping at the office when he wants. So much for putting forth any effort into our marriage.

I guess it's time for Plan B and I am scared. Scared to be alone. Scared to not have my family.

I may try to get a session with the Harvey's. This has really st me back. I thought we were making progress, but I am just plain stupid.

(((((LITC)))))

Have you ever read the link to Ark's post in my signature? It sure helped me!

Plan A is all about assuming that the A is on-going.

It's not about trying to change the WS. Only the WS can do that.

Plan A is all about the BS making changes, improvements, no LBs, taking away all of the WS's excuses to blame the BS for the A. Showing the WS a loving and cheerful environment, but at the same time persistently attempting to bust up the A and negotiate NC with OW.

Until you've done that consistently over a period of time, your not IMHO ready for Plan B yet.

Thanks LT! I will read the link.

I have been in Plan A for 4 months! I did a very good Plan A, but think I might have stayed in it too long because now everything turns into an argument and I get so upset over his actions nd the way he treats me. I get so hurt and then I get mad and then I LB.

I can't seem to detach my feelings from his behaviors. I know that's what I need to do but I don't know how.

I am so attached to this man. I feel weak and angry with myself for feeling this way.