LOL... Nowhere to go but down, and you want me to guess at the percentage of WS's that follow the script?

Look at all the advice you've been given so far, and the advice that has been given to others in threads that you've read......Do there not seem to be some pretty common themes in all of it? There are various responses to how the WS feels about their affair partner, post-recovery, but most that were not life-long or very long term friendships prior to the affair, end up in at best with total indifference towards the affair partner, or in worst case scenarios, revulsion and disgust. When the couples were perhaps great friends prior to the affair, the results are often great sadness for the loss of friendship, otherwise, mostly indifference.

I hope that makes sense.

Your WW seems to be pretty much right on script, so your outlook is very good. Stay focused and on task!

Best wishes,
SD

Hello again,

I'm glad you found my last post helpful.


Well, sure, that's the goal. And, it's a great goal.

Right now, you're waiting for her to make a decision. You can't compell her to choose a particular way but you can influence positively or negatively the decision that she makes. What the MB plan is supposed to do is help you develop a strategy to positively influence her decision. What we want to do is get you to a place where you're in a great position to BE a partner in working to make a new, better marriage regardless of what your wife is doing or not doing right now.

One of the first steps to being in a great position to build a better marriage is understanding some of the basic components of what builds trust in a relationship. Now, I'm not talking about her rebuilding YOUR trust right now. I'm talking about things YOU can do to win her trust in you that you really do want to build a new, better marriage rather than punish her or just keep her around for some miscellaneous reason. You have to remember that you aren't privy to her self talk and, even though she's put you through a lot of pain, she's also in a state of confusion and is faced with a momentous decision that, to her, does NOT look easy or obvious.

One of the major components of building trust between people is what I call positive prediction. The easiest part of that is the prediction part. That simply deals with how accurately you can or can not predict what your spouse will do in any particular situation. You get to know people as you live with them and usually learn to predict certain behaviors to a reasonable degree of accuracy. We won't worry about accuracy right now. Let's assume, for the sake of this discussion, that accuracy of prediction is pretty good.

The positive part has to do with how you feel about the predictions that you make.

For example:

If you get into a car accident and you predict that when you call your spouse she'll ask you if you're ok and offer to help without judgement or recrimination, that would be a positive prediction. You'd probably feel pretty good and safe about her response.

Similarly, if you knew you had an unpleasant truth to tell your wife, and you predict that she'll yell, scream, cry, or sulk about the news then you'd probably want to avoid the confrontation if you could. That is negative prediction.

Predictions are built with consistency and transparency (Radical Honesty). What you want to do right now is build some positive predictions for your wife with regards to your relationship. From everything to being able to have a productive conversation to being able to manage your anger in a productive manner. Part of that consistency comes from some boundaries that you can create.

For example, perhaps you want to construct a set of boundaries (rules of behavior) for yourself that allow you to create and maintain a safe conversation zone when discussing your relationship with your wife.

You might decide that you don't want to engage in name calling because it's unproductive. So, your boundary might be: I will not engage in name calling when I get angry in a conversation. If I get angry enough to start name calling, my behavior will be that I will 1.) apologize immediately for name calling and 2.) take whatever steps I have to take (leave the conversation) in order to regain my emotional composure. It is NOT ok for me to call my wife names. Note that your boundary doesn't have anything to do with your wife's actions. It doesn't say: I won't call her names unless she calls ME names. It doesn't say: I won't call her names unless I'm really angry. AND it builds in a pattern of behavior if you happen to slip and call her a name despite your best intentions.

Your boundaries are also in place to protect YOU. It's a set of behaviors that you give yourself permission to do under certain circumstances. For example, if your wife decides she wants to be able to sleep with other men, you might decide that it's in your own best interest to leave the marriage.

The other reasons to have boundaries are so that you have an idea of how far you're willing to allow yourself to travel down a particular road. How much is in your best interest?

You see, part of building a better marriage is learning to be your own best advocate - you need to learn to negotiate using your own best interest and allow your wife to look after her own best interest. You don't want to fall into the trap of being responsible for her best interests because you're not in a good position to determine what she wants. She is!

One of the positive predictions that you can build (that might not seem positive at first to her) is that you're willing to take care of yourself and look after your own best interest in a consistent manner. That leads to thinking of what most people probably associate with boundaries for people who's spouse's have strayed. Take a good, hard look at what is in your best (enlightened) self interest. Some of those things might be:

- developing a safe conversational environment that includes taking into your emotional safety (leaving if you're being called names, etc)

- developing some strategies for dealing with her foggy or outrageous behavior that minimizes the emotional damage to you, your children, and ultimately your marriage. If your spouse is determined to dig herself into a hole, there is simply NO reason for you to stand there and hand her the shovel. Plan B is an example of this type of strategy.

- developing strategies for reassuring yourself of her honesty and being able to communicate what it would take for her to rebuild trust with you ... and then making sure those steps WORK. (Your boundary would be that, if she does what you've both agreed to a reasonable degree of effort - not perfection but not lip service, either -, you'll do the emotional work to let go of those negative feelings.)

- developing strategies for NOT agreeing with her unless you are sure you are both in enthusiastic agreement in order to avoid martyrdom on either side. (This is advanced and for later during recovery.)

Does this give you some ideas on some practical first steps to make? The first thing you need to do is decide what type of behavior YOU expect from YOURSELF. Set some standards for yourself. The next step is to live up to those standards consistently and build trust - trust in yourself and her trust in you. There's nothing more confidence building than someone who says "I'm going to do X" and then does X just about every time, like clock work. Right? That's the guy you want to be. Make sure your standards take your emotional health into account. Don't agree to do things consistently that aren't sustainable for you.

If you do all of that, it won't matter what your wife does. You'll be prepared to act in a way that you can live with and respect yourself for regardless of the outcome. In the face of that, I think you'd have an excellent chance of winning your wife's respect, too. It's hard not to respect someone who's consistent, transparent, honest, and who respects himself and treats himself and others with grace and compassion (a little humor helps, too).

I tihnk that gives you the best chance at recovering a new, improved marriage.

I hope this helps,

Mys