Have lots to update & ask questions about!! Hope you guys can help me!

First of all DS's birthday was yesterday. M&D, sister came with kids. I asked WH if he would wear his wedding ring & he said yes. Party went well.

Later when we got home, I could sense that WH was a bit down & out(YEEHA! signs of withdrawal finally) so I suggested we go out for bowling to see if that would cheer him up. He was happy I suggested it. One of the places I like to go is up near OW's house. WH said, no let's not go to that one. I asked why. He said that he didn't want to run into anyone. At first it made me mad. Why should I not get to go to my favorite bowling spot??? Just b/c of OW??? After I thought about it, I said fine that I surely didn't want to run into OW.

On the way to bowling, I notice that he had already taken his wedding ring off!!!!!!!!!! GEEZ. I couln't help myself - I pointed at his finger & said "So, you couldn't wait to take that off, huh?" He has not worn it for 9 days so I should have been prepared for him taking it off as soon as he could. I was not & it got me upset. I ended up having a terrible time bowling & let it effect me. WHY did I let that get to me so?? I hated not being able to control my reaction to that.

After we got home, we did a bit of R talk. He brought it up, not me. I tried to keep bringing up happy memories, etc. He said that he could remember when he couldn't stand to be away from me. But, now he can't stand to be away from OW. It "hurts." he said. I asked him if he had been in touch with her & he said no. I said that I didn't know why I asked him anyway b/c he wouldn't tell me if he had. He said "Have you been in touch with OWH?" (trying to turn it all on me again!) I said NO. (o.k., I lied on the spur of the moment b/c I had e-mailed OWH last week) I didn't mean to lie, but I took the chicken's way out.

I said yeah, that the hurting would be normal. I could help him through that. (WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I SAID THAT??)

He said, "I don't think you can."
Me: "I can if you'll let me."
WH: "No, I don't think you can and I don't know if I want you to."

UGH. I tried to cut the R talk short. It was hurting me too much. Plus I was starting to get all needy.

After DS went to bed, we watched a movie. We had a few beers and just sat together on the couch. Not close, but at least we were sitting next to each other.

After the movie, I don't know what triggered me but tears started running down my face. I got up and said I was going up to get ready for bed b/c I just didn't want him to see me get all mushy again.

WH followed me upstairs and stood beside me while I tried to dry my tears. He hugged me and we just stood there for a while. Then he said he wanted to sleep in the room with me tonight. I told him that wouldn't change anything. That I wish we could pretent that none of this ever happened.

He said: Yeah, I sometimes think that too.

I couldn't stop crying and told him how much I was hurting. I know my Alien H doesn't give a flip, but I couldn't hold back my pain.

He again said that he wanted to stay in the room with me. I said that why, b/c you will be back in the other room tomorrow. He said "Yeah, it isn't fair for me to pick and choose when I come and go." ME NEEDY. YUK.

After talking for a while, we both laid down & he held me. I just really didn't want to be alone so he stayed all night.

Today I tried harder to be cheerful and not think about my behavior last night. I had a good night, was upbeat & when WH went up to bed we hugged & I said to have a safe night.

He is sleeping in the other room. Back to counting the nights again. I hate that I was so weak yesterday.

I made the decision today to make an appointment with Dr. Harley. $$ is an issue, but you know what? This is my M that we are talking about here. The appointment is coming up this week. Should I tell WH about it & see if he is interested in participating. I lean towards not, b/c he not really willing to work on the M at this point.

Thanks!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Re-exposed 10 days ago........WH won't wear wedding ring & is sleeping in the other room

You did REALLY GOOD!!! Where is the lovebuster!?? You showed how much pain he was causing you and he reached out to you. Kim, if he wants to sleep with you, SAY YES!! And I like very much that you asked him to put on the wedding ring and then told him how much it hurt you when you took it off.

You are doing good! It is not a lovebuster to tell him how deeply hurt you are. This is not about acting phony.

Also, the wedding ring thing bothers me. I wonder what that is about? What is his explanation for that?

Sheesh, I don't see any LB's here. You are telling him how hurt you are. Nothing wrong with that. You are doing much, much better than I did. When my WH was talking about missing the OW, I had absolutely no sympathy for him. Hang in there. You are doing a great job.

Kim, here are the definitions of lovebusters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Oh, and here I was feeling bad about how I lost control and broke down.......Now I feel better. I just thought that I was not supposed to do any R talk. I just don't want to cry around him all the time. Sometimes when I look into his beautiful brown eyes, that's all it takes, the tears start flowing......

I brought up the wedding ring while we were bowling. He said, well if I had left it on would that have made a difference. I said yes. That my ring means something to me & we are still married. He said that it meant something to him too & then he drifted off. I think he was going to say that was WHY he wasn't wearing it. He is making a statement of NOT being married to me. He said he put it on yesterday when I asked & didn't argue about it. I think he is trying to say that the M doesn't mean anything to him, not after what I did with the exposure.

One thing that WH said yesterday when I was crying was that He didn't deserve this kind of grief.(He is unworthy of all my tears). He also said that he "is surrounded by smart, strong women." I asked him what he meant by that - He was referring to me and OW!!!!!!!!! I said "don't you ever compare me to her again. I don't ever want to hear me and OW in the same sentence again."

Thanks ML & Believer. I do feel better!

Kim

you responded to that PERFECTLY! I am shuddering just reading that he could compare you to a lying, cheating, sneaky, vindictive woman. ugh!

Thanks for the link ML!

What do you think about telling WH about my appointment coming up with Dr. Steve? I had made an appointment to go see my old MC, but after thinking about it decided to consider this as an investment with returns expected and put my $$ with a real MB counselor!

Kim

Yeah, we are real equals, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I think you're smart to counsel with SH, if you are going to do it, might as well talk to a pro. He is good and will give you a plan. He can also tell you what to say to your H to get him involved.