RE: SILVERPOOL'S POST "So just know that when the time is right you will feel calm and strong and see very clearly exactly what you should do. And then it will work out for you. When your husband has only her to go to and cannot manipulate you for his own gain and to your detriment - then he will begin to wake up - not before - your compliance to his way of life assists him in staying in his fog" IS THE GOSPEL.

You are the one who holds the key to ending this nightmare, (or portion thereof, I should say) & that is the hardest part...The uncertainty of the result & fear of more pain. To me it was harder living in limbo, I was not able to function during that time & had to make a decision just to keep my sanity. I didn't know about MB then & relied solely on Dobson's Love Must be Tough. I read & read & read, & it worked, As I applied actions, the results were textbook. EXACTLY... and now months later, we are still together and day by day we heal.

God bless you & I will pray for your strength. You will make your decision when you are ready.

Hi JM,

Just a quick reply here to let you know I've been around... I so hope that you can figure something out...

No one here is mad at you (as you said), you're in a tough situation, I just wish we had your answers. This whole situation is upsetting.

But you're on your way, you're cooking up SOMETHING, you know you need to.

I'll just say, nobody knows your sitch like you do, we only get the info that you provide, y'know? Not a bad thing, just saying that only YOU can truly judge what you need...

But it sure sounds like you're ripe for Plan B. Easy for me to say, it's gonna be very hard for me...

MSA....HEELLLLOOOOO! howzitgoin?!

MSA is right...you're not in Plan B yet.

I wouldn't worry about staying with your folks, Dad's, whatever. they know what's going on, amazing to know how much people WANT to do for you until you need them. Don't underestimate your Dad's NEED to help you. Think about how you love Jay...

Would you do ANYTHING for him if his life runs into something similar 20yrs from now? Yep. In a flash. And you'll likely be begging to help. Same with your Dad. Let him help, he NEEDS to!



Yeah, I've heard Plan A/Plan B referred to as a hero's journey. SO tough, I feel like a fool too, why not just QUIT? 'Cuz it's TOO easy. Cuz we don't wanna. And YOU haven't quit. Gone HARD all the way. SO INSPIRING!!! You don't need to FEEL inspiring to BE inspiring for me...

Still praying for you! (when I'm not praying for me...haha)

See you in a bit!

CJ

somebody please take this dorito's bag away from me! i usually don't eat anything when i am stressed out or upset...so you can imagine what the past 7 months have done for me huh? but tonight....i'm eating the stress! Its true though...no one can eat just one.

Hey guys! Hope everything is going well for everyone.

I'm starting to really grasp the whole thing i think. I'm starting to "get" that this is going to "get to me" very soon and i won't worry about all the things i am worried about now...i will just be so fed up i won't care. getting closer to it.

H was here as usual and just left a few mins ago. he was in a rather depressed state. didn't say much at all, kept saying he had felt bad all day...stomach troubles...funny...he has complained of his stomach bothering him alot lately...i just want to say...duh!!! wonder if it could possibly be because of your current lifestyle....but i kept my mouth shut.

What if by the time he actually comes around i am just finished? see thats why i wonder if i should "force" myself to do something ...rather than wait until i am fed up and just "have" to do it for my sanity...then he comes around all sorry and torn up about things...and i just don't give a....??? does that make me a bad person?

today a couple of the girls i work with asked me how things were going...i just said...ah, well...about the same...told them a few things and they said to me...YOU are such a good woman. YOU are so good. there is so much good in you...i would never be able to handle what your doing...and he has no idea how lucky he is....

i just don't see it that way. sometimes i think...well if i am so good...then why isn't he here? if they see it ..why doesn't he?

Oh well...just rambling around again.

been in a mood tonight...couldn't resist buying and wearing tonight a little tank that say's "i'm spoiled" on it (OW tag...says that).

CJ, hows things going for you?

going to bed early tonight....later guys
Jaysmom

You have to choose to do it - just like you choose to save your son's life by having him have a procedure that hurts.

It is scary - but you will now it is right the minute you form your plan. I would lock him out and stay where you are, just like you locked him out of your sex life.

It is not appropriate for a married woman to have sex with an adulterer - you would be justified in divorcing him. God only wants you to submit to what is Godly in your husband. He does not want you to submit to sex or sexual talk with a man who is having sex outside your marriage. You have a responsibility to insist on your home being Christian and holy - having any kind of sex talk with him while he is cavorting with his OW is not godly, but he doesn't know it, so you must show him.

He needs to see what it is like to not be able to just have sex with her and then walk in as if he is your husband and follow you into the bedroom. How low that must make you feel that he gives you no more respect than he gives her - we know she is a ****** and deserves such treatment, but you are not.

Time to act as if you are the precious woman that you are. Set your standards high, set the price for your company and affection high. Make it marriage - proper faithful marriage. You can allow him to meet you away from home and take your son out. Ex wives don't have to play house with ex husbands to be good mothers. He is treating you like an ex wife with his running around, except he forgot to divorce you and forgets that men who set up home with another women don't get privileges of keys to the ex home door either.

You can do it - make the plan of what you will do first, then refine it, then fill in the details, once you feel organised it will seem less of a chore. Being a Christian and winning your marriage back is not easy - giving into fear and allowing him to dishonor you and eat away at your self esteem is easy - but doesn't it hurt?

LindaBB
--
Why, oh why do we spend ages planning the wedding, what we will do if things go wrong, how to fix it, whom to talk to, who would be good for a back up and never plan the marriage or how to deal with what might happen there?

Linda you are so right. i must do something, i must get a plan together but i don't know where to start. I talked with my best friend today for a while..telling her what you had posted...the problem i have is and she agree's is staying here.

as you know i DO NOT want to leave my home. but...i don't see staying here ever working at all. it is just tooooooo HARD! he is staying with his mom who is right beside us. Jay see's his comings and goings ...mainly he is always home when we get here in the evenings, so he either comes down as soon as he see's us pull in or is already here when we get here.

He will just come to the door and knock...if its locked and doesn't have his key...and Jay lets him in. If i refuse him in...then he will use..."i'm here to see Jacob" then Jay will cry and beg for him to play games whatever. He uses Jay against me...then I look like the bad guy to my son. i don't think that would be very fair to jake...

i am not making excuses here...just stating the facts. Even my best friend agrees and she is how i met my H...so she's known him "forever" she said today..."i think he will not leave you alone and then eventually you will cave to him because he will drive you nuts"...plus she agrees with me about Jay as well...

so as far as i can see for a starting plan is to leave...but guys i hate, hate, HATE!!!! that.

I just seems so UNFAIR!!!! H leaves to fool around with this old ugly hag and leaves me and Jay to just take care of ourselves...HE LEFT...HE CHOSE...HE CONTINUES TO NOT CHANGE...why must i give up my home, the only comfort i have. My son's ONLY stability. to have to live with someone...i don't want to live with anyone...i don't mind being alone without him in this house ....i can deal with all of this here...where i can cry and beat the walls and the floor after Jay's asleep and pray and just vent to God my frustrations...in my home...

living with my dad...i lose my privacy...i feel like i would be in prison. sure they are great...love my family but i don't want to live with them.

Sorry guys...i'm having a bad day and i am venting.

I just don't know where to start. NOTHING in my sitch seems to make sense. Also...i fear leaving because i fear it won't work like my exposing. my exposing backfired and i don't get it. i am just really ....really ....REALLY angry today.

I am so fed up with my WH that i can hardly even look at him. I don't even feel today like i want this M anymore. Honestly...the past couple of days...i feel dead inside for him....and everything seems to just be mounting up in me...

UGGGHHHH!!!

Is this the norm?

tonight i asked him if he would be keeping Jay tomorrow. (of course not its wednesday...their day off together...every week for 7 months he has an excuse for wednesdays) he says...no...uh..i ...uh...got a meeting...

i, being in the mood i am in, said...well then if your not keeping him...then you will need to take him to preschool in the morning...i have a meeting myself and need to be to work early, your off and i shouldn't have to get Jay up so early ....besides i take care of him 24/7...time for you to share a little responsibility.

He does nothing. A man who devoted his time and energy to his son and wife...does nothing. Has zero responsibilities. well at least thinks he doesn't...chooses to not have them. I take care of everything and EVERYTHING to do with our son. He just has playtime with him and thats it. when the guilt hits him at times..then he wants to buy a few groceries or pick Jay up from school...you know just to ease his flippin' mind!

i am sorry guys...i just need to get it out tonight. I am just so angry. so fed up...and so just ready to quit!

don't know if i want to come up with some sort of plan or not. thinking maybe i just don't care anymore and want to move on with my life...

right now...the sight of him...just sickens me.

guys...any advice on where i should start, what i should do?

will he recognize the change in me?

thanks for letting me vent...i just needed to let off steam!

going to put my happy face back on and put Jay to bed!

JM

I don't think you should leave yet but you have to start somewhere. Based on what you've said, you can go live with your dad (which you don't want to do and since it is not life or death you shouldn't), or stand your ground. Stay where you are, set boundrys, save your money until you can get away from him and his mom so you can live YOUR life. We only can do this once, don't let him control your happiness, you deserve so much more. We are all just people that have gone through agonizing pain, which in itself has made us see clearly what is important and what is not. You have gone further than probably 99% of the population but what you are doing will not give you the result you so desperately want. Believe me, I know, we know. As much as I wanted it to work, it only worked when I got strong and did what I thought I couldn't. You have so much to gain, and what to lose??? More misery??

Come on girlfriend, you know that all of us are not wrong. Granted it may work better for some more than others, but still we want the same result as you. OUR MARRIAGE RESTORED. But it takes time, patience, effort, and love. You have it, you know what must be done, it is all back in your court to make it happen.

Just so you know, I only recently have joined in these posts but your story always draws me close and I have a strong conviction that you are ready to make the necessary changes to save your marriage. I wish there was another way to help you but statistics are for real. I am a number person and believe it to be fact. TEXTBOOK as they say.

God bless you little Jay's mom, I wish I could shelter you myself. We all know how hard it is because we have been there too and we feel your pain, that is why we are rooting so hard for you!! Be strong!!! and if not today, tommorow... or the next...we will stil be rooting for you!

Annie

Annie...so glad you joined in! thanks for the post. You are so right...i am ready to do something. i am ready to set the boundaries. Ready to take a stand and not be run over any longer!

so tell me ...anyone...where do i begin with these boundaries. Put my foot down about his comings and goings to our home??? Any advice guys on the boundaries i should set...please...any suggestions much appreciated!

i would love the suggestions...

i'm armed and ready! i have to do it now...cause the love for him is fading and i know...KNOW...that he will come begging back at some point...i feel he is growing tired of his A and he seems more drawn to me than ever...this is the best time for me to do this! I can't allow him to come home on HIS terms...must be mine...

so guys please...suggestions!!!

CJ-are you out there? i just read up on your GQ thread...i didn't know your W had taken your baby girl around OM...I so know how painful that is...KILLS you!!!! I can't believe she asked you to move....i thought you handled it well!!! I'm sorry....i had hoped things were looking up!

Praying for you...let me know how your doing!

praying for all of you! You guys are what keeps me going! God placed you here for me! thank you!

check back in a bit!

JM

Hi JM,

I'm ALWAYS here. I take so much comfort in these boards, I've been following you closely, just been too busy to post much...

We talked a couple of nights ago, went OK, W never knows what to talk about, I asked her (Monday) if she wanted to talk to me that night b/c I was gonna go in to work, she said,"yes", so I said,"call me when u r putting DD's to bed, I'll come home, say goodnight, and then I'd be happy to talk." So we "talk", and she has nothing to say, I thought she wanted to talk to ME, I was willing to leave it for that night, SO frustrating, so I take the lead, discuss how I want us to work on things, how we have an opportunity here to make things better, etc. No OM talk, it was a sore spot, she'd talked to him ALL day obviously, so there was more fog than in a horror movie. I just stayed loving and firm. Mentioned that if she wanted, if she thought it would help, I would move downstairs, i took the stance that it might be good for DD2 if W didn't always sleep in her room, give both DD2 and W to get a good night's sleep. She said,"It'll be a while b4 that (moving downstairs) can happen anyway...it's a mess." (It's a daycare play room, full of barbies and pollys) So I think she was just mad at me, for asking her that morning AGAIN for NC with OM. I think I turned it around well, that if it was an advantage for our family, then I was willing, and that I was respectful of her choices, she just needs to let me know, but I have my own opportunity for choice too...

I don't think she said more than 15 words the whole time. ...sigh... It almost seemed like she was interested in what we might do to reconcile, but I'm too niave and hopeful, I recognize that she's just as likely to be killing time, since she knows she needs me to stay for now... She wondered,"So if we do decide to do something, how long will it take...25 years?!!" I said,"No, that's too long for me, but I've taken comfort in the MB boards, lots of REAL people there with far worse situations than us, with OC's, and they are doing much better after 10mths" I was thinking of you MSA! So W said,"How long?" Replied,"I can't answer that Tanya, but we can only try and see, I feel helpless right now because we are letting time slip by without working on things. But I'm drawing hope from what others have endured, and perservered"... (or something to this effect)

So here we are, eh? Our situations need a JOLT. Something HAS to break the patterns, y'know? I'm rooting for you too. I think we both need to be more proactive somehow, not disrespectful pressure, but to REALLY start doing things that we can do, showing that we are willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriages. To stop settling for this. I figure, if things backfire, they backfire. We can't know what will happen...but THIS sure as he** isn't working!! Facing our fears right now is tough, isn't it?

I need to expose. I've started the letter. You need to do SOMETHING. We are BOTH enabling, y'know? Allowing this to continue with our patience, we've BOTH done the passive part of Plan A long enough and successfully enough to warrant something different. We are showing that we are just willing to wait for them, and they feel too safe!! We need to put our FAMILY/MARRIAGE ahead of their SELFISHNESS. I don't think that's unfair.

Whatever you do HAS to be your choice. I say this to preface the fact that I really think you need to do something more radical; I understand leaving your home is unfair, believe me, I live it.

Just a couple ideas. What would a lawyer say about changing the locks? (It seems to me you and MSA discussed this a long time ago...I forget the outcome) If possible, I would change the locks. I understand how you feel about Jay wanting to play, etc, and letting H in. Tough stuff. After changing the locks, I would go to your Dad's for, say, 2wks. Let your H THINK!! You'll likely need to tell him where you are, b/c of Jay, but do it unexpectedly. Just go, and leave a note on door. Don't say it'll be only for a while...don't say anything. Let him wonder. Say he can call ONLY if it has to do with Jay. If a lawyer figures changing the locks is OK, state in your note that you don't want him coming around anymore, he can visit Jay, but not where you are, he can visit with him elsewhere...

I know it'll be hard. Tough on Jay. MSA said it best. Gotta think about Jay's future interests more than his NOW interests. You've done a great Plan A, seems your getting frustrated b/c you're running out of "moves" AND running out of feelings. You gotta protect those feelings, if YOU truly give up, who will have the strength to continue? I'll bet that you will have to take the lead for recovery (cuz you WILL get there...your H is TOO attached to your family) and you'll need the strength left to do this, y'know?

After the 2wks, just see what happens I guess. Sorry to disagree with you AnnieT, but "staying" just hasn't rocked the boat enough. Not saying patience isn't required here, I just think that something different needs to done. Change the dance, y'know? JM, you've done a wonderful job of "staying" already, you really deserve a medal or something, they should give out purple hearts to people wounded in marital battles... you've earned 2 or 3 by now!

After the 2wks, you might be able to come home, if the changing locks/H stay out thing works, or you might be able to arrange somewhere else to go. Even if not, stating some of these things will send a CLEAR message. That you're coming to the end. That he's running out of time. Cuz he is, you pretty much said it, not letting him know by ACTION moves, is almost being dishonest. Cuz "saying" it to him certainly isn't working. And he doesn't believe you, it seems. Or still thinks he has time.

Just some thoughts. Only you can decide, it's not up to us, i wanted to respectfully repeat this. I know you are in a really tight spot.

I think your BF is right. You're H wouldn't last 2wks. (I think that's what she said...going from memory) i don't think he'll last very long either.

So...I gotta put my money where my mouth is, I'll be exposing soon...I hope you can help me through this, it's gonna be tough...

If you go to your Dad's, he better have computer!! I'LL *FREAK OUT* IF I DON'T HEAR FROM YOU FOR 2 WEEKS!!!! HAHAHAHA! (PLEASE DON'T PLAN B ME, I'M FRAGILE. HEHEHEH) Just kidding.

Good luck JM, I'll check in later, praying for you daily, hoping the best for Jay...

Respectfully,

CJ

Hi JM--

I'm new here--just signed up after lurking for several weeks. I've read all 21 pages of your thread and I just want to say that I admire you so, so much. It's so hard to do what you KNOW you have to do and I think that CJ's advice is perfect. You aren't giving up on your marriage by taking this new step or approach--it's just that--a new way to handle the problem. From everything that I've read here your H is going to absolutely freak out and he's not going to know what to do--which is what you need right now. He's too used to having his cake and eating it too. By you taking away one of his "treats" you'll be forcing him to look long and hard and decide exactly what he really wants. Good luck--I'll be waiting to hear what you decide and how it all goes.

Sincerely,

HurtingUnit2006

HU2006...bless your little heart! You read the 21 pages of my past 7 months...bless...heavens! You and CJ and everyone else is right. MSA has been at me to do this from the beginning i think!

well i got some kinda good stuff tonight. as i said earlier...i made him take jay to preschool. When Jake was born...i went to part-time...jay stayed with H on the days i worked. In 2004 i started back full time, due to the financial difficulties...Jay had to stay with a babysitter, who was one of my good friends from childhood...we were like sisters growing up....he stayed with her 2 sometimes 3 days a week. H NEVER EVER dropped Jay off...always picked him up. NEVER had to deal with the crying, begging, making you feel like crap for leaving...ordeal.

that is when my depression really set in...that is what nearly killed ME on top of the money woes. Today...he dropped him off at preschool....and boy what a difference it made!

He came home tonight saying...i don't ever want to do that again...i hated leaving him. I just looked at him and said..."welcome to MY world" that is only an ounce of what i have felt in the past and still do. Now can you see how i became so depressed before. he just held his head low and shrugged a yeah.

Very, very...depressed tonight...claiming he was only "tired" I imagine...it was hard dropping your little boy off and watching him look sad at the window waving bye to you...while you go spend "hump day" doing just that...with some nasty old....oh i won't even get started!

so i think that was good for him. Made him have to face a little of his mess! bet he won't sleep well tonight. He even admitted he owed me $50....being the stupid nice person i am i let it go...but since he reminded me...then i think i'll have to buy a new purse!

sitting here listening to Nicole C. Mullen..."when i call on Jesus" everyone here should take time to listen to that song! gives you such comfort and peace...

CJ---omgosh! i could never plan B you, your nice to me...if i can't plan B my WH...how could i do it to my friend who is nice to me and makes me laugh! AND IS FAMOUS!! WOO HOO!! and if he EVER MEETS ROB THOMAS...PROMISES TO GET AN AUTOGRAPH FOR ME....that says..."to carla...sorry i haven't made it to your back door..." ha!

CJ...i am just really hating your sitch for you right now. that just sucks! I don't know if i could live in the same house with my H...day after day...night after night...doing what i know he is doing. Trying to keep things normal for your girls...trying to be nice and have convo's...when she doesn't even say much at times....

I must say...really...i've shared your sitch to alot of my girlfriends and i'll just tell you what they have said..."what a man!" really dude!!! i don't know ANY men..that would stay..(yes i realize here there are alot who would...and do...but personally...) and put up with it, and WANT to work it out and still love her! You have recognized what needs to be fixed on your end and are willing to do so...that says alot.. She will never get that with OM......the fogs too thick...and she doesn't see how lucky she is! Hang in there CJ! Exposing was so scarry! but...pray hard and God will give you the strength you need...He will...you got to let him! I'll pray really hard for you!

well guys....gonna get myself together in the next few days! Good thing about this "leaving" business of mine...if i hold out a bit longer...it WILL be soooo easy! Its getting warm and my dad has a place at the lake...so Jay and i will be spending weekends there....keeping us both busy...and TAN! ha! my son is a fish anyway!

my son decided last night he needed to weigh Fat Butta's and Gracie....so he grabbed her around the belly and heaved her up with him on the scales...by the time he got still..he was holding her around her neck....yelling..."moma...how much is she?" Butta's is 18lbs...she is much fat!--that one's for you Linda! gotta go...Jays trying to put her in the shower...

take care guys! Jaysmom

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Hi guys,

WOW Linda, great ideas...can we call this Plan C? ("C" for confuse the he// out of H until his kneecaps hurt from begging! )

JM, you've got several ideas to sift through now, I REALLY hope this stuff helps!

Got very little time today, just wanted to let you know I'm in Canada, watching snow melt, and still cheering!!

I'll catch up with you l8r!

CJ

whew, CJ...was getting worried about you! thought maybe you had Plan B'd me! HA! Hope your doing okay...

hope your weekend goes better than last!

already doing some of the things Linda suggested, because...i just am getting so sick of H! REALLY starting to work on my H...its amazing how when you take control...OF YOURSELF, YOUR LIFE, HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED...it really does work!

CJ, as long as i have been doing this...i'm telling you...and i think you would trust me...it's really starting to work...maybe it has taken this long...for a reason...maybe my H had to get to this point as well as i did...for it to work...but it's working. Just wanted you to know that...its tough for so long...but once you get to this point yourself, rely on God to help you, guide you and take care of everything that hurts....IT WILL MAKE THE DIFFERENCE!

Your wife doesn't want to lose you...I KNOW THAT! hang in there! i'll keep watching for you this weekend!

thanks for checking in on me!

how funny...your snow is melting? we had snow all morning...2 weeks ago it was almost 80, today snow!

take care...check in later! JM

losing it guys. Just going to come right out and tell you...i am losing it for sure.

i have done so well...at least i think i have but i'm not doing well anymore.

He's sitting in there eating supper, watching TV...after he has just been doing you know what with her. Cannot deal with this any longer.

Can we say basket case...??? yep...i am...

pretty calm...a little weepy at times....(partly pms i think) but...just messed up!

Tonight...my best friend contacted OWH again. it has been 3 months since... she told him it was definitely still ongoing and gave him the proof...told him about jay seeing her and the fact he can POINT HER OUT IN A CROWDED ROOM. OWH was nice to her...and then politely asked her not to call back. He wasn't mean, hateful, rude, nothing at all like that. VERY nice to her. Asked her alot of ?'s.

she said he did not at all seem shocked. but he told her he was going to let God deal with it. I don't get it. God has been dealing with it but God also needs us to not stick our heads in the sand either.

so what do you guys think about this? the SORT OF RE-EXPOSURE? was it good? do you think this guy is just in denial city or what? obviously he is going to be of no help in ending this A. He KNOWS its still ongoing or he would've acted differently when she called. So what gives with him....is he just OK with sharing his wife? I'm not okay with sharing my H. Don't think God is too happy about it either....THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY! i mean come on God wrote it....he ain't okay with it...and what exactly does dude think?

OMgosh...so sorry to ramble i am just...just...just...ugghh.

He just came in here..."what are you doing?" UGH! why does he care? just leave me alone!

I know guys, i've been hearing you....help me! i have got to get myself out of this mental mess! he is KILLING me!

I don't even know if i want to Plan B. don't even know if i want this man anymore. I deserve better.

put a fork in me...i'm thru!

well...we will see how i feel in the morning.

CJ...i'm getting worried about you! hope your okay!

Guys...can anyone give me anything on what you think about my friends re-exposing might have done or will do...and what might be going on in OWH mind?

going to go...he's getting snoopy!

Jaysmom

Where are you JM - worried about you - Linda

Jaysmom, are you out there???

MSA...i just sat down at the desk to check in and was thinking about you! How's your family....????? i thought i remember you saying you have family in TN where the tornado's hit...HOPE and PRAY all are well!!!

Yes.. i am here. i meant to get here sooner...thanks Linda for checking in as well. This week has been...whew. a week.

basically to get down to it...my MIL has called me a terrible mother and has drifted into a fog of her own. NO my WH doesn't go to her and tell her things about me...doesn't make up stuff...doesn't anything...so it isn't coming from him...No....he just comes and goes and does what he wants there...and mainly NEVER speaks to her.

this week she started screaming and yelling at me in front of Jay and tried to take him from me...saying i wasn't "acting right in front of him" "your not conducting yourself as a mother should" ...(and her son walked away from his family and son...and that is okay in her book i guess..???)

all of this in front of my H...his eyes wide as could be...in total complete shock....she has totally gone off the deep end. This has really done damage to her....but she has decided that.....his A is all part of my "fantasy"...i told her...trust me in my "fantasies" my H isn't doing another woman!

She even said that she thought Jay was lying about seeing OW. I said...so your calling your grandson a liar...she said..."No...i'm saying its just what you and Jay say he is doing"....i said..please...he is standing right here...direct this to him...she refused to even ask my H any ?'s.

I don't know guys...actually this did a world of good for H to see...strange as it sounds....but he did apologize later to me...for what i'm not sure...he didn't say. but he was just torn up over his mom...saying the things she did to me...but really whats he gonna say...??? if he does...he then admits...to what he has denied for so long.

He has been hanging his head low again...wanting me to feel sorry for him.

mentally and emotionally i just can't do this. this week i have had so much on me. On top of the MIL deal...my grandfather was hospitalized. He isn't well and we have had to go stay with him and basically hold him down in the bed..he doesn't even know where he is or who we are. its so sad. My dad and uncle and aunt don't know how to handle things...they have never had to deal with this kind of thing...76 years old and his first hospital stay. draining on me!!!

so anyway...i'm here. reading...not posting much...kinda afraid to...

everyone is getting tired of me allowing his fence sitting but in all complete honesty....i don't know what to do... Nothing seems to work. my exposing, then re-exposing, setting time limits to visit Jay...get broken...he calls and pouts....then gives me hope...just to bring me back down...this up and down mess is making me a bitter woman.

my best friend said to me...please...leave...do something please...your getting bitter and if you don't do something...you will never find happiness with anyone else later on because you will always be bitter and afraid to trust.

I love my H. I wanted this M to work...there was so much good in it...more good than bad. I thought i had been fighting a good fight...thought i was making progress...but this isn't progress...this is a man controlling what he wants to do and me letting him. He doesn't want me..but doesn't want any one else to have me...

I have tried to set boundaries...he breaks them...uses Jay against me. I told him firmly we were selling this place...i wasn't living between him and his mom anylonger. i feel unwelcome in my own home. don't even feel like i have a home. he gets angry and answers...okay..or yeah thats what we have to do. but then...does nothing. says nothing about it ever. EVER. then turns things around that it is ME who wants it to be over...even though he has committed to NOTHING...still almost 8 months later...has not answered any ?'s or told me anything.

he says "i'm confused" "i don't know what i want" if i ask about our M. I said okay...well then...you have just been confused too long...start asking yourself ?'s until you get to an answer. he NEVER responds.

He says he plans on going to church with us on Easter. I don't see it happening but i am praying hard for him to do so. He never takes us anywhere. never goes anywhere with us...just here at home. Is he just ashamed of us?

I think OW thinks we are way OVER and he is afraid she will find out or will run into her. Even though she isn't making any plans to leave and her H is in such complete denial. He knows its ongoing...but says he is praying about it...and wants to let God handle it. ???

i agree but sometimes God asks us to act and not put our heads in the sand.

i'm glad you guys care...it really means alot to me. I am still praying and holding on to my faith..God is good! God has and will continue to take care of me and Jake. Listening to Casting Crowns "voice of truth" wanting to hear the voice of truth...guide me and my H!

gotta go back to the hospital...

i'll check back later! MSA...hope your family is safe!

any suggestions???? thanks for looking in on me guys!!!

Jaysmom

Okay...someone please....PLLLEEEAAASSSEEE...

help me to figure this out!!!

somethings going on...and it is flippin' me out!

after i posted saturday...got ready, left to go and meet my dad and step-mom to eat before going to hospital. My H calls on my way there...asking me what i was doing the usual. then says...so where are you (about 10 times he asks me...) finally i just say...on my way to the hospital...he then says...well...why don't you and Jay meet me to eat before going....??????

so i am like ???? i question him a bit and then say...well i am almost there...just blowing stuff around...and then he says..."well tell your dad and sm to come to when you leave"...i said a few things...here and there...and finally tell him i am meeting them to eat first...then i asked him...why not just meet us right now..

he says...okay...and 20 mins later is there. eats with us...talks fairly normally to my dad...(of course there was some strain...he was a bit uncomfortable i could sense but was trying really hard...my dad was as always...just great)

then the bill comes and H pays for it all. after the hospital...i get home...he's here. hangs out, puts Jay to bed...then leaves.

I had just posted that he never goes with us anywhere just that day!!! No..he doesn't get on here if that is a ?

He has really been acting differently. the past 3-4 days. well since he observed the MIL scene. things are really different.... he is always here with us in the evenings...but the past few days he has been like his old self. taking interest in things he used to. things he hasn't in months.....

i'm scared to be hopeful. I'm tired of the roller coaster. i can't do the up and down crap any longer. but i don't know what this is. I mean it's one thing to ask me and Jay to dinner. but then to sit across from his FIL...who has been in my shoes, knows what he has done, has hurt his baby girl...his only child...his grandson who he just absolutely adores. ????

i'm really afraid right now guys. i mentally can't do it. I just can't. tonight....i touched his arm...held onto his hand for about 2 mins. he didn't move. didn't say anything. His first initial reaction to my touch is to jerk away...always...since the A. Kills me. and he did but stopped himself... i have asked him...well told him that i know he doesn't like me touching him....he always argues that i'm crazy....it doesn't bother him...blah..blah...

don't get that either.

don't get anything anymore. officially...crazy now for sure!

does anyone have anything to give on this??? or any advice...???

what is he doing...???

He really isn't gone much at all anymore and is with us alot of the time. but still doesn't say anything about us at all. maybe it is just guilt...? i don't know.

looking for some suggestions on how to handle this...and not lose my mind!

later guys

JM

OK, his mom's outburst got through the fog.

If you fall in with him just acting like it is OK - he will go straight back into it.

OW doesn't know he is seeing you as he is - thinks it is all over and has been for long time.

"I'm confused" means "all you suspect is true and I will continue doing it as long as I want - your feelings do not figure in my judgement."

So do not act "closer" to him - keep your distance and boundaries however many times he breaks them and however tempting it is too try to edge closer . One of you needs to be on an even keel - and it ain't gonna be him!!!

So do the 180 - it is very important now there is a chink in the fog. You doing the 180 will keep the chink open and maybe widen it - you lowering your boundaries will lull him right back into the fog. I had to do this again and again, over three years and keep my pact with myself that I would not let him use me in any way - and keep picking myself up when I fell and getting back on the 180.

I am not tired of you falling - I have fallen too many times and compared to me, you have hardly fallen. You are doing well - keep going - expect the roller coaster - expect it to be the status quo - you be the brake on the roller coaster - you and Jay need something constant in your lives and so you have to be IT.

So keep going, do not lose faith in yourseklf and remember climbing a loose pile of rocks menas backslides as you do it. Do not let your backslides put you off. It is normal - to be expected and you are on course - stop expecting to do miracles - you are doing well and when you look back all the little advances will make sense .

I believe in you - just keep going as best you can - one foot in front of the other. Do not allow him to make you backslide anymore than you can possibly help. Remember he if full of doo doo and just seeng a little light - he nows something is wrong now - he just has to figure it out.

OK?

Loveya

Linda

Linda...thanks so much... i have read and re-read your post 10 times today.

things getting stranger by the day. today H was here when Jay and i got home. he was mowing. H is never home before 7 or so on Monday and Tuesday. Now i know...something may have happened on her end of the deal...maybe just maybe....OWH decided he didn't like this game anymore...making things tough for them??? who knows....Maybe it was all about his mom cutting the fog somewhat...i dunno????

but what i do know is that he is here with us and seems more interested in me. I can't put my finger on it. can't figure it out...maybe i'm not suppose to?

Okay...so i continue on distant???

I'm a little confused...please forgive...i have just had alot on me. example: H is here...having dinner with us...is that okay? do i not allow him to stay? or do i allow him here...like he has been but not hang out with him? seriously...i am in a fog today i think.

How do i handle his being here and not messing this chance up? i need to take control...it's in my hands to but now i am just afraid....afraid i'll do the wrong thing.

UGH!

i need my vacation now! not 2 months from now!

oh guys just look over me...i am just drained.

gotta go...Jay is wrestling with butta's...say's he's trying to put her in the "pit"...Lord help.

by the way...anyone know what happened to CJ????

if your out there CJ....hope your doing okay...still praying for you!

later guys! Jaysmom