Alright, so my husband is with me--never floundered around wondering who he wanted to be with. Never had to do the whole PlanA/PlanB thing. A is totally over and he's back trying to work on things with me. Our marriage is in decent shape at the moment--we're communicating better than ever (joint EN), enjoying lots of "us" time (also a joint EN), and I've done everything I can to shower him with admiration and praise for everything he IS doing (major EN of his). So why the heck do I feel like he's just saying all the "right things" to avoid the real work?

I've asked him (BEGGED him, really) to read the books with me. He'll go through two or three pages and lose interest. He's actually even used "the books" against me in a quasi-argument ("is that what the books say I should be doing or is that what you want me to do?"). I've linked and emailed pages off of the MB site for him to read, even left pages from the message board open on the computer for him to read. He says he wants to do things right, he wants to be everything I need, but I'm just not seeing it. I've been REALLY tempted on several occasions to fall back into LB-land and just come outright and ask him what is it he IS doing, because I'm obviously missing it.

I've told him several times that I need to feel cherished, I need him to be at least SLIGHTLY romantic (anything would be an improvement, folks), I need to feel like I am more than just a housewife and babysitter. Call it a need for verbal/physical affection, small gifts and tokens of affection, whatever. I've told him I need to be able to SEE the way he's been telling me he feels! I've told him I need to know he's thinking of me throughout the day, that when we go out shopping together that I'm not the only one of the six in our family who's totally forgotten unless it's something I point out, that I'm important enough to him to be noticed now and then. I need to know that my dreams, desires, and feelings are so important to him that everything else comes second...at least for a little while, because for heaven's sake, I'm trying DESPERATELY to get over the pain of infidelity! I'm working so hard to make him feel special, yet I feel like he's just waiting for me to have this lightbulb moment where I realize I'm everything to him and he can go on seamlessly with me living in a lovesick dreamworld where he's once again gleaming with that shining armor.

Whew, ok....deep cleansing breath. How long do I work on changing ME without being able to have my Love Bank refilled? I'm almost empty enough to feel like I'm PlanA-ing without trying to "win" him back from anything. He IS back. He has the security he wants, the "doting" (but emotionally shattered) wife, the intact family. What do I have? Why do I need to be the one to decide if we'll bother to even recognize our anniversary this Friday when he knows how hard a time I'm having with it? Why do I feel like I have to do all the work, doggonit???

Please, somebody slap me. Wake me up. I don't want to throw a bunch of LB's at him and tell him he's failing miserably at meeting my EN's again, but goodness, in what other ways can I get this through to him? Honestly, I really HAVE told him all of this. I don't want to tear him down--I just want to get a LITTLE bit back for all I'm giving. Where am I screwing up?

Hang in there Camo!

Keep voicing your need for affection on a regular basis. Do this in a friendly manner, with no LBs. Voice your need every day. Give specifics examples of what would make you feel loved. Should he call you from work once a day? Should he hug you and kiss you first thing each morning and first thing when he gets home from work? Can you make a calendar for him where you write in little hearts and special occasions so he is reminded that these are days that he should give you flowers or a special form of affection for a special occasion?

I think sometimes when our partners do not have the same needs as we do, they don't always "get" it. But once they do.. the rewards are there for both partners. Make sure that you make a special point of giving positive feedback when he DOES meet your need for affection.

Hang in there Camo, you'll get there. They say recovery takes time. Be persistent and patient.

I wish my M was on the road to recovery.....

Camo,

could it be we are married to the same man? is it possible? lol

i have been having many of the same problems with my formally ws. He thinks that taking the rubbish out is a major achievement on his part. it frustrates me to the point of screaming sometimes, but i am hanging on. i dont have an answer for you, but you are not alone in dealing with it.

hugs

carolyn

Camo,

As a FWW who was pretty much the female version of your H, I would agree with Lost in that you need to voice your needs in a specific way that sounds positive instead of negative. "I would like it if you held my hand when we went out shopping" or something like that. I wish that my H had told me specifically what he needed from me, because I never knew other than he always wanted SF.

It took me almost a year to find MB and all the books, and that was what finally snapped me out of my state. I imagine if you keep reading up on here and sharing what you have learned with your H , he will come around too, and hopefully sooner than I did.

Lost and cinny, you're right, he needs specifics. Example--Christmas and birthdays--I will point out things that I'd like for MONTHS in advance, then a week or so before the actual event he'll start asking what I want him to get me. I know the man knows me well enough after 16 years of marriage to at least venture a GUESS as to something I'd like, but he gets sidetracked every time he walks into a store by electronics sections and CD's and DVD's...even when I've given him a physical LIST of CD's and DVD's I'd like to have, he "forgets" and I end up basically picking out my own gift because what he gets me never deviates from what I show him I'd like--not even in color.

I've done the positive reinforcement thing and telling him "I love it when you..." and he'll act like he's just won a Nobel Prize and then never repeat what he did. The specifics I have given him that would make me feel appreciated are things like bringing me home a Pepsi when he gets himself one at the corner store; PLAN something once in a while instead of relying on me to decide everything that we do (because if I don't give him a specific answer, we will do nothing); anticipate when I may be having a bad day and maybe pick up a pizza or Chinese on the way home; I'd LOVE a little love note or an email from him once in a while. These are actual specifics I have given him--NONE of them have happened yet. I can convince him to do just about anything...once. Then it's forgotten. I think he assumes because I dont' rock the boat that I'm content with things as they are, that I'm satisfied that he stayed with me and that should be enough. My problem lies in the fact that if I keep bringing things up, he goes into this semi-depressed black cloud mood and tells me I nag him about it and I don't appreciate anything he does. Yikes.

Ok, ok, I'm clearly not in the mood to be handling rational thought today. I'm too tired from a week and a half of meeting one of his specific needs--getting up at 6:30am and learning to be a "morning person"...after only a few hours' sleep each night thanks to two babies who refuse to sleep, I'm EXHAUSTED!!! Oh, there's another specific I've given him--I don't mind being up at the crack of dawn to make his breakfast and pour his coffee and be chipper in the morning while he's getting ready for work as long as I can at least have Friday night and Saturday morning to sleep--uninterrupted by babies--all the way through the night and maybe even till 8am. Hasn't happened yet.

Hmm, I wonder what would happen if I went on strike?? Phooey, I suppose that would qualify as a MAJOR LB, huh?

Thanks for letting me vent.....

Camo,

After talking with Jennifer Chalmers the other night, she had suggested not only coming up with the "I would love it if..." statements (notice that theser are not necessarily stated after the fact, but are like of lists of ways to meet your needs), then writing it down. Put it up on your refridgerator or put it someplace that you and your H will see every day. Maybe you could even hang it on the wall in front of the toilet! But talk to him about it first before you start putting this stuff up around the house.

Another thing I would recommend is that you read some of the MB books if you haven't read them yet ... HN/HN and SAA. Those books were crucial to my understanding.

Thanks, cinny. I do wonder if he'd think an actual list of my needs as *needs* or if it would end up seeming more like *demands* to him. Don't quite know about the wall in front of the toilet...that's where I've got the stack of books, including HN/HN and the workbook that goes with it! My EN questionnaire is completed in there...his is blank. I even left a pen stuck in the workbook for him...oh well.

I'll keep trying!