I really need help with this.

I have been having some conflict with my husband of almost a year. I do love him, I do wish to meet his needs and give him happiness. We are trying to work on better communicating and the principles on this website are helping.

I am coming to the conclusion that I am basically a selfish, immature, spoiled brat. My marriage is helping me see this, to which I am grateful. I have been independent for a long time and wasn't afforded an opportunity to realize my character deficits. Part of it has to do unwittingly with my family, who lives nearby and spoils me.

I also have some really bad habits, like crying or becoming angry and fighting with my husband. And some unrealistic expectations of him too. All this is from being selfish and spoiled and thinking that he should just want me to be happy. I am becoming aware of this and working hard not to have these behaviors but it is almost impossible.

I feel like the type of spouse who ignores her husband's needs, who might even go off to another state for a while if it suited my needs. For example, I have been planning forever to hike the Appalachain trail with my children, from beginning to end. This plan was formed way before I met my husband, and my children and I often talked about it. Why should those plans change just because I got married? I told him about them and said I still had those plans, even if he married me. Another example is that I played piano for years, and shared with my husband that I might want to take that up again. With all the stuff we have going on he thought it was selfish of me and told me so. I feel like I expect so much from everybody, and take so little resonsibility for my own actions.

I am honest with my husband and always have been to the best of my ability. I know I am not perfect in this area either as he is pointing out. I am a quiet type and sometimes don't talk very much. But I am not intentionally trying to hold back information.

I am beginning to see that I have been very selfish. I have a lot to work on and would sincerely appreciate some advice on working on myself. Has anyone out there felt this way and is working on it? Does anyone have a spouse they are helping with this problem?

Thanks in advance everybody.

First off, let me applaud you for your discovery, I think that is amazing and that you are showing an openiness and willingness to confront these issues in of itself is humbling. Bravo.....

I, too, have suffered from what my mom calls the "Big One" syndrome. She'll tell me that I'm acting like the "Big One" and it's all about me, a trait my father so graciously gave me. I've found that reaching for the opposite end of the spectrum helps me find a balance. I do so by spending a lot of time with people less fortunate than myself. This could be in many different applications. Volunteering at a homeless shelter, getting involved with a church, or something that requires you to be committed to others with no expectation of compensation.

What you may find is that at the end of the day, the gift they give you is ten fold what you could ever give them...

Oh Oh Oh Oh..... Hey, I just thought of something. I don't know if you are a Christian or not but there is an awesome book out there called "The worlds greatest miracle or The greatest miracle in the world" by Og Mandino....WOW... It's only about 100 pages and includes a chapter that you are suppose to read once a day for 100 days to change your life..... I'm actally reading it now, VERY SLOWLY....lol... but have read it once before. This time I'm going to follow through and read the deal for 100 days.......

Hi Bill

Thanks for responding. I think volunteering is a great idea. I'm going to speak to my DS's teacher about doing so at school.

I was wondering, do you find that volunteering helps you become less self-centered in your marriage? Dr. Harley talks about spouses "protecting each other from their own self-centeredness". I don't have the book, but I will try to get it through interlibrary loan. I have been thinking of asking my H to help me with this too. I told him I wanted to sign up for IC, and one reason was to become less self-centered. It's such a habit with me I think. He said that I didn't need an IC, he would try to help me. I am probably more comfortable talking to him anyway.

I will also follow through with your suggestion on reading the greatest Miracle in the World Book.

Thanks, Em

The short answer is YES.... And while I think it's great that you are going to look into volunteering at school, I would also look into finding a place where there are those there who are less fortunate than you, like a food bank through a church, a woman's shelter, etc....

A great deal can be gained by giving of yourself and I do believe that you will see the benifits in your marriage. I also believe that a much greater gift can be had when dealing with those less fortunate because along with giving of yourself, you are also working on the forgotten art of compassion. You form friendships with people who you never would have before. You see people on the opposite end of the food chain who are anything but spoiled. It can also be a lesson in humility.

So in fact you take these gifts of humility, compassion, and selflessness back into your marriage and other relationships in your life..... It is a gift....

What did it for me was volunteering at a pediatric nursing home; watching a nine-year-old flash me a "thankyou" with his big brown eyes (only thing he could move) simply because I wiped a little drool off his chin.

It warms my heart to see you working on yourself in this way. To me at least... even if my wife isn't doing everything perfectly, if she at least acknowleges that she has a problem or a flaw and is taking baby steps to improve, that's half of my frustration out the window at that point.

My wife is very selfish too. I give her massages every night and she has given me a back massage maybe 2x in our whole relationship. I give her oral sex maybe once or twice a week. The last time I got oral sex was on my birthday which was over a month ago. She asks me to get her a glass of water or the remote or whatever... fetch things for her often. I never ask her just because I think it's dumb to ask her to do things for me that I can do easily for myself. But the other night I asked her out of the blue if she would get me a glass of water and she flat out said no.

Back to you... I think there's a healthy balance. There are times which you have to do things for yourself to make you feel alive again. Maybe that is taking piano lessons. Maybe that is your life-long dream of a hike on the Applilacian trail. You shouldn't be sooo selfless that you are never able to have fun in life. But as far as the piano goes, maybe you can offer to surrender some other activity that takes up your time. Maybe you could have your husband join you on the hike for just a week of it. Or arrange for something equally as exciting for him like a fishing trip in Alaska or a romantic getaway for you two for 1 week at the end of the trip. Overall, I think people respond well to others when they see that the other person isn't just taking and taking but also giving in return too.

It may take you years to overcome your selfish mentality but I hope you will continue to work on it so that your husband feels included and not taken advantage of.

Volunteering sounds great but it depends on what your husband's complaint is. If his complaint is that you stay busy doing things you love to the point where you have no time for him, filling your scedule with one more thing is actually working against the cause.

I felt like I didn't really blossom as an adult until I was 22 or 23. The main thing that happened was that I started taking genuine interests on other people. A conversation with someone before was just shotting the sh**. Just a way to let off some steam about things going on in my life and maybe hope to hear an interesting story from them.

But around 22 I started really caring and sharing in other people's joys and sorrows. I'd follow up with people and ask them how things were going. I could be truely excited and have a great day because of something good that had happened for a friend. That made all the difference in the world to me. It's much easier to treat others as I'd wanted to be treated. It's practically efforless now.

I would disagree with the other posters. There's enough differences between being married and working in a volunteer capacity with a completely different style of relationship that I doubt it would serve any useful therapeutic purpose.

I suspect communication with your H, diligent effort in meeting his needs, wants, and desires, (in both directions, him to you as well), will do far more to improve your character than any amount of serving soup.

Once that relationship is hammered out, then look at othe rexsternal things you need to change.

A personality change like you suggest is a *significant* personality change. This will not come easily, and it is a project not to be taken lightly.

Thanks, Jaye (and others) for the reply.

Sorry it took so long for me to respond. I was having trouble signing in to my account for a while. I ended up figuring it out when I tried to create a new account, because I thought mine was deleted somehow

Anyway . . . I'm rambling