this is my first post. Not sure where to start. i just found out saturday night that my husband was having an affair. i had been asking him for months if something was going on and he said no. i guess the guilt finally got to him. It had been going on for 6 months....i had always suspected, but because he was married before and his wife cheated on him, he said he would never do that to me.

Well, here is the story. we moved from one state to another about a year ago. this was extremely traumatizing for me. i left my family and friends so he could be closer to his family. The move was extremely hard on us. We had to live with his estranged dad and crazy step mother for 3 months, and they seemed to make our life crazy. I ran to my husband for support and he just turned his back to me.

Apparantly what i got out of our conversation Saturday night was that we fought all the time and he found a safe haven at work. Met this lady, who was a friend...who didn't complain or whine or anything a "wife" does. But instead of telling me he was hurting or telling me our relationship was lacking the emotional connection, he chose to have a relationship with her.

She knew he was married. But i guess she didn't care. They were first friends, then it was something more, then obviously it let to the physical side. I get sick each time i think about it. I had even called her and she denied it. Yesterday at work she sent him a txt message saying i dont' care what your wife says (I said some pretty hateful mean things to her) and that he was a real piece of work. (whatever that means). He wrote her and said to please leave him alone.

After the news, i left the house and went to a hotel. All night and all the next morning he kept calling, crying and begging for me to come home. Saying reality had hit him in the face and he couldn't live without me. I never called back. I booked a flight at 1 a.m. and came home to my family.

That was 2 days ago.

We are both in our twenties. Married for 2 years, together for 6. I just don't know what to do. It's just so odd, because he never hid the fact they were talking. The cell phone bill was outrageous! All the calls to her....he said they were just friends. Was he in a fantasy world?? He says he wants to work it out and he will do anything if i would stay with him. He says he can't and won't live without me and he wants me back.

I don't know what to do anymore. I know i have to face this when i go back this saturday, but not sure what to do.
This isn't the first trial we have been through. While we were dating, he had to go to counseling for "anger" issues (draw your own conclusions). And he overcame that. He grew up with a dad who cheated on his mom, a dad who hit his mom and a dad who never told him he loved him.

I love my husband so much. We have grown so close and i have been there to help him. But i wonder if i am done helping him, and i must help myself.

Can anyone help?

Believe it or not your situation sounds very typical. Do you want to save your marriage?

If you do, it is very encouraging that your husband says he wants you back. You can recover and even have a better marriage.(I know, sounds far-fetched now, but I know from experience!)

Here is what you must do:

#1: Have him write and give to you to send a letter of no contact (NC). Read more about it in these forums.

#2: Go home! Make yourself the best wife you can be. Acknowledge your shortcomings and work on them. Try to remain as cheerful as you can at all times no matter how hard it is.

#3: Get some marriage counseling (MC) as soon as possible.

Expect more strange behavior from your husband as he breaks up with his "girlfriend." It will be painful for you but you MUST NOT react with anger. Eventually he will come out of it and you guys can work on rebuilding your marriage.

Keep reading and sharing here. There is more traffic on General Questions II, so maybe post updates/questions there.

Go home!! Good luck.

mflake, I ditto your "go home &work on the marriage" advice, with the caveat:

DO NOT GET PREGNANT

Your marriage is not stable enough to risk a child's life. Maybe in 2 or so years, but please do not take the chance of having a baby while your marriage is in trouble. To do so is to risk bestowing a handicap on a child for its whole life.

Also, please consider telephone counseing with the Harleys. (No, they don't give me a kickback.)

Amen, no kids for a while.

You still out there?