First just let me say that I never thought I would be coming to a forum like this. I wish I had another option like private counseling but money is tight these days. Let me start with this: I believe that when a man and a woman marry they completely leave parents behind. Not that they should no longer be a part of the family but that when it comes to raising children they become secondary. I feel that my in-laws are intruding in the upbringing of my children. Trying to tell my children what they can and cannot do when I am right there in the same room. I have told them that when I am there I am the parent and all things should go through me and of course my wife. I also have told them that I maintain the control in the home and that they should respect my role based upon biblical principles. By control I do not mean (being a tyrant in the home and having my thumb pressing down hard on my kids) but rather it is a respect issue. I demand respect and I demand that my children respect others and I think based upon biblical principles that I am right to demand such as this. Still the problem exists! My wife will not confront her parents and she does not support me in this. So it is affecting our marriage in a negutive way. The problem is as I see it that her parents do not respect me in my own home. Hey, am I all wet? I need insight quick I'm starting to lose my way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You are absolutely right, so don't back down. There is an excellent book that would be great for your wife called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger that speaks to wives about this very problem. How you would get your wife to read it is another story.

Stick with us and read all of the stuff here, and I'm sure some experts will post.

Thanks believer! I needed that! There are other problems associated with this as well. Let me give an example. They come down to visit and then they start doing things around the house and outside without asking for my permission. Yeah it's great to see certain things get done that I don't have time to do. But it keeps coming accross to me like I don't take care of the house or yard or etc. Yet, when they are not here I work outside rather often because that's where I get my relaxation and it helps me to clear my head. Still my wife keeps telling me you should be thankful that they are doing it. Well, yes in a way I am but in another way its like they are taking over my household. What's a man to do? I feel just awful because I know it's good intentioned but it just feels that they are trying to run my household.

My in laws did the same thing. I talked with my H about this and we came up with things we wanted them to do. It worked great. My Mother always would ask me if I wanted her to help me clean. So one day I asked her to take a week off and help me spring clean and do the windows all 50 of them. She never asked again. There are more ways to skin a cat! My in laws were direspectful of the position their son held in his company. Paid very well -they came every summer and stayed 3 to 4 months with us. Using our home as a base for their travel plans. I told them to get a hotel or cottage. That I was sick of their negative comments about their son. It was his job that paid for that big home. If they did not respect him to leave. That ened all talk about him not having upper level position again.

Thanks Realtor! GREAT IDEA!!

You know - I am recently married and had severe problems with my H's parents. They demanded to know every aspect of our relationship. Why I haven't put my H's name on my vehicles and house yet, etc... I explained to them when his condo sells, then we will start to combine things. Well, then they wanted to know more and more and thought that I should be bending over backwards for their son. I was told that my H doesn't have to do any work around the house because they never made him do chores. I told them that's fine, then I don't have to put his name on the house and to stay out of our marriage.

I haven't had a problem since.

When a man and a woman marry - they form a new family. Parents are no longer primary - they are in fact secondary and have no position whatsoever to say what should happen in their children's marriage. Therefore, your in-laws are wrong and so is your wife for allowing that to happen. I would suggest seeing your pastor/priest/reverend/whomever married you or a counselor. Perhaps your wife will listen to someone else.

I know my husband didn't listen to me, so I brought it up to our pastor. My pastor explained it to him and he put his parents in their place.

My Mom is prone to calling down and disciplining the kids when I or my H are around...I hate that, because we discipline in different ways, the kids get confused.

These are some words I have told her...

Dr. Phil says (you can leave that part off if you like) Grandparents are a safe place for the child to land. Grandparents should not be the bad guy or the disciplinarian to the child, but the good guy in their life.

I've also stopped her and said, "Let the Mommy say that..." or in your case, the Daddy.

Or you could sit down and talk with them about their R with the kids, that you want it to be free of bad feelings towards them...you want the kids to be happy to see them. If they continue on the road of calling them down on their behavior, then the kids won't be as happy to see them.

They could argue against all these I guess, and then you could end by saying, you had your turn at being a parent, let me have MY turn.

or

What would you have done if someone else had tried to tell your child what to do?

Good Advice All I Truly Appreciate The Thoughts!!!

My mother thinks that she helps others by pointing out how they can improve and by helping them with their work. When we lived in the same town, my mother would use her spare key to go over my house and clean while we were at work. (As a child, I watched her do the same thing to her married brothers.) She used to drive me and my H nuts (still does sometimes). It can seem so insulting. Like we can't take care of ourselves and our children. However, I have come to realize that she will not change and she really does have good intentions. I have learned to compromise. If I am working overtime and she offers to come help, fine. I get a clean house and she feels needed. Other times, I draw a line in the sand and just tell her "NO". Of course that often requires that I be prepared to have something to distract her or I end up chasing her around the house. The hyper little thing wears a size 4 and is hard to catch! My MIL, just the opposite, always seems like a guest to be waited on instead of family. In an ideal world, they would both be somewhere in between.

Perhaps your inlaws just want to feel needed. Plan ahead when they visit. Have a few things lined up that you would be willing to get their help on. Make it clear to the children that they have to follow you're rules regardless of what the grandparents say or they will be punished later.

PS If I really want to get my teenagers to clean their room, I threaten to call grandma and turn her loose in their room. They know she will even reorganize their underwear drawers.

Part of my problem is that my wife does not support me in this. I really do see this as problem of RESPECT. Both on my wife's part and her parents. It's like they don't see the boundary line or simply choose to ignore it. I could let all this go if weren't for that (I THINK?) Leave and Cleave is a problem for both. We should become PRIMARY to one another (My Wife and I) but it feels like there is a third wheel in the marriage. Also, my wife wouldn't see it this way because she is so ready to defend them regardless of the circumstance. Sometimes as a man I feel completely stepped on and very ignored.

Somehow you need to get that book. The author speaks to women about your EXACT problem, which, by the way, is extremly common.

Unfortunately, you can only change yourself. I understand because my H used to be angry for days after a visit because he felt I let my mother walk all over us. I felt attacked from both sides. By planning ahead with my mother, I am able to minimize conflicts. I have some different issues with my inlaws. I found that the more I showed my anger at their actions, the more my H defended them. Now that I have backed off, I see that my H is becoming more supportive of me with them.

Yes, it sounds like your inlaws are intrusive. However, you seem a little controling as well. Try to back off a little and compromise. Then your wife may take you more seriously when things go too far. (I'm a huge control freak so I know this is easier said than done!)

WH 44,

You're right when it comes to my own family I am controling, but not in the the way you imagine. My expectations are always for the good in my family. Yes, I do have expectations for my children and otherwise. I am not a controller but a director. Is there discipline to be given in my house (to the children) you bet. Strange thing is that my children already know their boundaries and rarely do they cross them. The discipline I give is out of love and never out of hate, nor do I allow myself to be high handed with my discipline. But do I expect respect yes for and from both (husband and wife.) When I feel that my position in the home is not respected nor my wifes for that matter no matter who it comes from I have a huge problem with that. You see the problem I have with my wifes parents is actually hurting her as well, problem is that she can't see that. One does not Love who does not discipline as one does not respect who has none. I do agree that backing off is a good tactic and I have tried to no avail. It seems to be continually happening anyway. Thanks for the input.