I'm not sure if anyone remembers me, but I posted a couple of times over the past year because I wanted to end my LTA and was having a hard time doing it. I'm happy and relieved to say that I finally ended the A in June and cofessed to my H last week. My H has been astonishingly loving and supportive and I have been completely honest with him about everything. I can't believe this man wants to stay with me after betraying him for so long and then hearing all the details about it... I am blessed beyond words. I gave him my copy of SAA and directed him to this website... he is reading, but hasn't posted yet. I have closed my old email accounts and have a new cell phone number (my H was with me when I did this.) We are currently in MC and both in IC individually.

I have been seeing my IC for a year and a half now. I am having an issue with her and was hoping for some advice. Since I stopped seeing OM, she has been trying to "quietly influence" me to D my H. I've told her over and over that I want to work on my M. She thinks I don't really love my H and that I love the OM ("Katie, I only see true emotion when you talk about OM... not your H.") Since confessing last week, my IC keeps saying "you don't owe your H this, take care of yourself" but I tell her I AM taking care of myself, and I want my H and my M. She doesn't think that I really do.

I have to admit I'm still a little foggy (OM drove two hours to my new job two weeks ago and put my world back in a tailspin) and a part of me wonders if what she is saying is true. NOT that I love the OM (if he was the last man on earth I wouldn't go near him... he's slime) but I do think I am in withdrawl right now and my IC is really confusing me. She has been very helpful in other areas of my life and I have been seeing her for a year and a half now, so I don't want to just bag the relationship, but I don't feel she is supporting me and my decision to stay in my M.

I talk to her about MB principles and she doesn't buy that this is what I really want... she just thinks I'm too scared to leave. I don't think she gets that my "foggy thinking" is what has guided me (and still influences me in some ways) to say and react in ways that might seem like I'm not really in love with my H. But I am, and I want my beautiful H more than anything! We are also in the very beginning phase of recovery, and I don't want this to jepeordize the hard work that we're both doing at this point. Does anyone have advice for me? Thank you so much... this site has been a blessing!

Katie Mae

FWW: me (32)
BH: husband (33)
Together 10 years
No kids
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: 9/12/05

Get a NEW pro-marriage therapist

Call the Harleys ....

outrageous! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

The IC must go!! Call Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers on this web site and begin counseling with them. Both of you.

They are marriage counselors. This IC you are seeing is a divorce counselor.

Get rid of her now!

In His arms.

Okay... this is what I needed to hear. That's what my little voice was telling me, but like I said I'm still a little foggy and I've been seeing her for quite a while. I should probably also tell my H what she has been saying. Thanks, Pep!

Katie

Katie,

First let's get something straight. Your IC works for you. If her goals and your goals do not match it is time to find another MC. Live is not JUST ABOUT BEING happy, it is much deeper than that. In fact those that realize this end up taking great joy and pride in understanding that and being someone where their word, their commitment means something.

Your IC is not unique, but she is wrong. I just posted this thread to someone who is about to give up on his W because of her affair and her unwillingness to "work" on the marriage. I will post it to you because I think you will understand and see the presence of the "fog" in this thread. As I posted to that man, SKM is happily married to her H and they now have a child. Here is her thread SKM's Chronicles I am posting this to you not so much that you need it but it is sitting on my copy function right now. However, it may let you see a few things as well.

Your perceptions are correct. While in the A, there was NOTHING your H could have done to make you happy. He was shut out completely. Now that you have opened the door you are seeing a different H. Your IC doesn't understand that the entire time she has been seeing you, you have been in the affair, and JUSTIFYING IT. You and I both know what that means...your H's flaws were magnified and his attributes were ignored.

Some further advice for you. HELP YOUR H. He is going to need it more than you realize as time goes on. He will begin to really question himself, and he will be really down as some of the information you have provided sinks in. Right now he is focused on saving the marriage and showing you the depth of his love for you. Don't doubt that he does. But, will come is he will begin to question if he is "good enough", he will question his life with you because he now knows a lot of it was a lie. He will question his ability to understand you, and know how to make you happy. and Finally he will question himself and that will haunt him for a long long time.

You probably don't realize this, but your affair has damaged his self-esteem deeply and that will come to the surface. He is going to need you in ways you cannot image yet. Most WS's think the BS is down because of what the WS did, but more often than not, it is because the BS feels like a complete failure.

So do as much reading as you can. Either get your IC straightened out or find a new one. The sad thing is that IC doesn't really KNOW who you are. You are becoming the woman that your H married and loved, not the woman that lied and cheated on him.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks, Mortarman... luckily our MC is a pro-marriage counselor and she has hope for us. I'll just have to find another IC... thanks again!

Katie

Thank you, JL... I just finished reading SKM's Chronicles and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you also for the advice on helping my H... I will do anything, ANYTHING to show him how much I love him and how wrong and selfish I was... my marriage is and will forever be my top priority from now on... thanks again for the advice.

Katie

By all means tell your husband ... particularly if he's involved with paying for this "so called service".... jeeze !

and .... you may want to consider calling your state's licensing board and reporting her ... this is pretty UNethical.

Katie, how long was your A? It is so wonderful you led your H here and you have gotten great advice, especially about your IC. I just wanted to tell you that my IC that I was seeing before my A encouraged me to have an A. Yes, really...he told me that sometimes affairs are "good" for a marriage! That man should not be practicing. sigh..now if I wasn't so fogged up already from allowing myself to fantasize about OM I would have realized the IC was wrong.

Oh jeeze FF ... I did not know that ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

i had a similar experience. a MC we were seeing back in early 2001, turned into IC just for me (as agreed to by H) told me he did not think my H loved me. and then when the internet A started, he asked me if that made me feel good and that it was ok to feel good, i deserved to feel good.

and we were paying for this counsoling even outside of insurance because of church connection with this C.

i just recently told H this (i kinda didn't think about the fact that he never knew what had happened back then).

i know you said...

but as you so elequently put it

anyone who is having a LTA and seeing an IC will "bag on" and emphasize all their spouses faults/failures/weaknesses in order to make their spouses' failing sooooooo baaaaaaaaad that they just "had to go outside the marriage to get my needs met" .... and any therapist with half a brain knows this is foolish bullcrap.... A therapist who buys into this foggy revisionist history of the M is getting ~her~ needs met. this need ---> $$$

in my scenerio, the MC knew my H first hand. we started going to this person as a couple. then it switched to IC after my dad died. he made this stmt of my H fairly early in the IC sessions.

Amen! BTW, when my WH and I went to MC during his first A the MC was supportive of my H and obviously was biased. Even WH admitted that a few years later that she made him uncomfortable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Before my current IC, I saw another woman who told me after three sessions that she couldn't treat someone involved in an A. She said, "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do or say that will help you. When you end your A, give me a call." I've often thought of her over the past couple of years. Maybe I should call her. I'll tell my H when he gets home from work tonite. Thanks, everyone.

Kate,

That counselor was right. Most counselors won't counsel if one is addicted to something until that addiction is addressed and frankly an affair is an addiction. I think this particular counselor has a better understanding of affairs and what the do to people.

Contact this woman and talk with her. She may be right for you NOW.

God Bless,

JL

Call her Katie, she sounds intelligent. {{katie}} do stick around so we can help you through withdrawl and congratulations!

Thank you so much! I'm so depressed right now I feel like I can hardly do much of anything (I took the day off from work today) but being here, reading and posting really helps. Can't wait until my H comes home so I can cook him his favorite dinner and we can talk. I miss him...