Sadie,

It's tough being tempted like you are, and like Sal says, it's important not to lose sight of your boundaries, particularly now.

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I think if we did talk again, he'd just be able to manipulate me into what he wants.
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If you think it can help, note this next to the phone.

I will be thinking of you (and sending you my 'good vibrations').

Hello there Miss SS,

Boy you sure have a whole big mess on your hands. There are so many facets to this relationship. First of all, I would like you to take a good look at yourself. You are motivated, you have ambition and you know what you want. Now, look at your ex. He is an alcoholic, he can't make ends meet, he doesn't know what he wants, etc, etc.... He only started a business due to your help. Girl, I don't know your whole story, but I will BET that you have always been a very strong backbone for your relationship.

I was engaged to an alcoholic once. Boy did he love his beer. I watched him destroy his life physically and emotionally due to the alcohol and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Lesson learned - you cannot care for someone who doesn't care about themselves. It's a losing battle.

Infidelity - yep been there too. I know a lot of people fight for their marriages, etc.... Personally, in your situation... I see that you have gotten rid of a lot of dead weight. I know that is harsh and I know you don't want to hear it. However, if you give yourself some time, you will find someone who is worthy of having YOU in his life. I know it hurts. You deserve to be treated so much better.

I would call him up and tell him that you don't want to be friends, you are selling the equipment and oh, by the way, have a nice life, I'm moving on.

My ex-fiance manipulated me for 5 years. I had enough - I threw his [censored] out over the last broken promise. Three months later, I met a wonderful man. One year later, I'm married to that wonderful man.

Seriously, now is a chance for you to expand your horizons. You never know where you will be a year later.

Thank you so very much...I appreciate it and I too am beginning to see the light. My therapist really woke me up the other night...she told me when it's all said and done I will have outgrown him.

What is sad is that, we did have such a wonderful life together sans the past 6mos when all this started happening. I guess that is why it is hard to let go. But as the therapist said I have already faced and lived through my biggest fear, being without him in the loving family atmosphere that we had.

I have been through a great deal the past few months...too much drama for me when I have so much other stuff on my plate. It will be a long time before I give my heart again...and believe me my priorities are straight this time around in what I am looking for in a H...if I ever go down that road again.

I know in my heart that he has to stand on his own...I know he is also not ready and my therapist told me as long as OW supplies the beer he will never leave her until he finds true sobriety...which may never happen.

Thank you again.

Awwww... you will find love again. Your therapist is totally right - you are on the path of outgrowing him. I think you already have. You are moving forward, whereas, he is stagnant.

It's best that you don't date right now. You need to end contact with him (I myself learned the hard way). You need to mourn the death of the relationship before you can move on.

Oh, that's another thing. You are seeing a counsellor to better yourself and he isn't. That's just another thing.

I guess that is something that I will never understand...how he cannot mourn the loss. I've spent over 2 mos going through all these stages of grieving...and he's not had to deal with it at all, just drowned it all away and talked a bunch of babble...never feeling a thing, never feeling any pain. He just managed to pick up and move on with some complete stranger and continue our relationship with her...but again it's the million dollar question for which the only answer is "you can't make sense out of insanity."

I'm going to continue with Plan B...move forward and just concentrate on the positive things going on in my life. That's all I can do and say a prayer for him like I have every night.

Sexy,

You nailed a lot of what's going on with your ex, so you know, he's just transferring all the good stuff he had with you to this new person.

And just in case you're having second thoughts, I will second something that MelodyLane said. I'm not sure that Plan A is necessary.

I was doing plan A before I found out about the A. I'm not sorry for how it all played out or for how long I managed a plan A. I AM sorry that months ago when I was outright begging Phil to leave me alone (before I knew about A) he wouldn't and I didn't have the support in place to keep my boundaries straight.

I think things would have been much better for me - either way - with Phil returning or without, if I'd been able to stick to complete No Contact from the day he told me we wouldn't reconcile (which I now know coincided with the transition from EA to PA - surprise!).

Stay strong. You will get what you need out of this. It won't kill your ex to learn what it's really like to live without you in his life. He's gotten used to a very good thing - YOU! Time to learn what life without Sadie is really like.

You can do this.
Sally

Okay...someone come and slap me around a bit...feeling confused and just need someone to set me straight here.

His final text message was "So nothing for me to do?" He's still wanting to come and work for me. Trying different angles.


My thoughts...

He left...it's not my responsibility to help him get his business back up and running. The deal was for him to move out from there and sober up and then the world would be his oyster business wise.

But then the damn heart in me says...he's trying to get back up. He's reaching out to you because he knows you are the only one that can help him. If you let him down and he really wants to get back on track then you are not being a good lighthouse.

Okay...who's first to slap me around...

OOOH! Let it be me!!!

SMACK-O!

What are you thinking?

Sal

I should have known....argh...I know...I'm sitting here thinking and everyone that knows me is telling me not only No but ****** No. Including his best friend. ARGH...I hate backsliding...and he knows how to freaking wear me down and he's doing a damn good job this time...it is taking everything I have in me right now not to respond.

Well on a side note...our dart hangout has changed ownership...no mas darts...boo hoo...unless we want to drive down to the next burb and their place is always packed. Guess it's a sign of some sort.

Lisa,

The lighthouse sheds the light 'round and 'round to guide ships that have gone astray, off-course. The lighthouse DOES NOT pick itself off its foundation, head out to sea and then lead the ship by the prow to safety ashore.

You keep your foundation cleared of weeds, keep yourself in good working order so that your light shines and continues to be steady. It's up for your ex. to go toward the light. You can't MAKE him change his course. You can only be the light.

Sally

WOW...see that is what I was saying last night...said so perfectly!! That's going to have to be a keeper on my notepad!! So very true!! It does make sense...plus it wouldn't help me either carrying a lighthouse out to sea on my back and trying to swim out in a sea of Jack...

He knows I am the light...he should already know that...right?
Despite all the ****** we've been through the past two months? He should know that.

Couldn't say it any better, Sally. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> . I would add that lighhouse won't disappear and turn off the light (plan B).

-rh-

RedHat,

I am the lighthouse...I have to know that WSo knows this. In his heart knows this. My love for him is unchanged. He is in the fog but he has not yet looked for a way out. He has turned away from the lighthouse and gone to sea. The lighthouse has sent out it signals to him to let him know that there is love here waiting for him and the beauty of life. But he's chosing of his own free will to stay out at sea.

All the lighthouse can do is flash the signal every now and then...to show him the way home if he should search for it. The light comes on when we have contact and it is good...when the need for no contact arises then the light goes out. But as long as it is flashing to him, he will know that love is here for him.

I've thought and thought about all this all weekend. It boils down to he has chosen to stay at sea. He cannot take the lighthouse on board the ship with him. The lighthouse stays on solid ground to show him the light. We can only hope and pray that one day he will turn the ship around and head for the lighthouse.

Yes, Lisa ... you get it right. Plan B is turning off the light and plan B is not for dual problems. You might need to do NC but you have to really evaluated it from the addiction point of view not relationship point of view.

When they are in addiction in/out of the fog. When he disrepect you or manipulate you, i.e. in the fog, you hung up or stay away. You talk to him only when he seems to clear out from the fog. It is all about boundary.

-rh-