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#1477752 09/20/05 02:53 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 242
L
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L Offline
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 242
During my H affair, he began using Viagra. He is 42, and he started then partly to impress OW and partly because he felt guilty about me. There were a few times before I found out about A that H had difficulty having SF with me, in addition to not being nearly as interested in SF as before. I found out about the Viagra after D-Day, but I could understand why he might need it. Plenty of stress!

We have been in recovery for 1 year (after NC began). Sunday I found 2 bottles of Viagra, 1 of Cialis and several bottles of "natural male enhancers" like Enzyte in his bag. I wasn't snooping, I was looking for something else and he wasn't hiding these items. We have not had trouble with SF and were are doing very well overall.

But when I found this cache of SF helpers, it really hurt my feelings! It feels like he needs all of this to make love to me, even though he seems very happy and talks about how much he loves me and he feels very connected to me. All good stuff. But why does he need those!!! He is not old and he hasn't had a problem before (other than A).

When I approached him on it, he became quite angry! He said it had nothing to to with me and it was only for him. He liked it and it just was not about me. But he said this in a somewhat nasty tone....which is the OLD H, not the new H. I explained why I felt like I did, that it reminded me of the A and how he needed it to have SF with me and it made my already damaged self worth, go down farther. It also feels like he has artificially increased his SF abilities/drive, when I am still my normal self.....increasing the gap! He said he could only barely understand that. It was only for him and gave him confidence and I shouldn't have any problem with that.

He said he doesn't take it all the time, just sometimes. I asked him how he knows he needs it in advance! And I can never tell the difference anyway, so why?

He was fairly defensive and maintained that it shouldn't cause me any pain and really didn't want to make much more about it. Maybe he is addicted to what it feels like and doesn't want to give it up?

For all you men......am I making too much of this and I shouldn't have my feelings hurt by this? He says it doesn't increase drive/desire, only performance, is this true(for anyone who knows)?

For all you BW......how would you feel? Would it make you feel less desireable or happy that he wants to do a good job. If it hadn't had the link to the A, I might have been able to better look at it that way.

Any input is appreciated! It made me spiral down a ways and left me depressed.


BW
DDay March 2004
OC born 8-04
NC
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 69
G
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 69
Well, if he has a self-esteem problem "down there" and he is taking viagra, why not? if a man can't perform to his desired ability, it gives them low-self esteem. A man MUST perform good in the bed, or else he will perform terrible out of it! Its a huge thing to the male ego! IF he is not in an affair, I don't think you should let this bother you, because he may and probably and hopefully is telling the truth: this isn't about YOUR performance, its about HIS. And in my thoughts, there is nothing wrong with it. If he is telling the truth, then the worst thing you could do to him is to get depressed about it and make him feel bad--he's in a no-win situation and could be very hurtful and frustrating to him, which he takes out in anger towards you. Men aren't good at showing their emotions, so hurt emotions many times comes out as angry emotions. Let the issue slide. Don't let it "hurt" you. Take him at face-value on this issue. It is his body, his choice... taking the medicine hurts nothing but your feelings and so this issue should not be blown up and taken out of context, if at all possible. Best of luck!


If this world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

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