Hi, just a quick update and a few questions for all of you. Our other thread is on this forum, updated last around 9/13. (I don't know how to link to it from here, but I'll add a link when I figure out how: that's question #1!).
Anyway, seems like Toolman and I are getting along pretty well these days. I've been working really hard on my plan A, and WH Toolman told me today that he really appreciates how hard I'm working on it. He said he's been trying to work on meeting my EN for conversation, but says he doesn't understand it. Interestingly, I pointed out to him that he is quite chatty with others, just not me. Still I really appreciate that he has taken several opportunities to sit and chat with me. Also glad he points those out so I remember that he's making deposits in the love bank.

We had a good weekend alone without the kiddies. Went to see the Gator/Tennessee game with some old college buddies, and we really enjoyed ourselves. Both of us made big efforts to avoid any LBs.

Big question: Now what? We're both trying pretty hard, I think. I'm pretty convinced there has been NC for almost 2 weeks. Are there stages to this recovery? For those of you in long term recovery, any tips for continued success, other than "Just keep it up!"? I don't want to lose momemtum, but everyday life presents constant challenges to continued success.
Thanks in advance for any advice!

Well, two weeks is very early in recovery. You might want to try out the recovery board, although some people delay going there until they are quite sure of themselves.

The only thing I know is to keep meeting EN's - sex is to most men like conversation is for women.

Also are you spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together?

Hi Believer,
Thanks for your comments. I agree two weeks is early, but it seems like FOREVER since the reveal. Hey, I just checked the calendar, and it's actually almost 3 weeks! Well, I know it sounds silly, but its a lot more than I was hoping for about a month ago.
We are making every effort to do the 15 hours/week. Going out of town for the football game this weekend was a big chunk of time.
I'm making efforts to meet all the ENs except SF. I know SF is one of the big ones for WH, but I don't think he's ready to go there yet. (We haven't been intimate for almost 4 years, so it would probably be like having sex with a stranger, or worse a close cousin that you used to fight with all the time!
Thanks again for the advice. I'm feeling the need for some group support right now, to keep on target.

You need to work on the SF and figure out what is wrong. That is HUGE for most men.

IMAO,

I had a really nice long post all type up and ready to go then I somehow hit the wrong keys and left the site only to lose the entire post. Trust me it was so inspiring.

To summarize.

Welcome back. Glad to see your progress.

Patience and Time. Support Toolman as he goes through withdrawal. It so unfair but it is natural for him to miss the "excitement" in his life. The first couple weeks can sometimes be the easiest. Now the underlying problems in your marriage start to surface and until Toolman is out of withdrawal they are not easily addressable. I advise toolman to share his feelings openly and honestly and not try to protect you from further hurt. It is this kind of sharing that enhances the "new marriage" you two are setting out to obtain. Instead of trying to fix everything quickly try to address it in baby steps. The roadtrip was a good idea. Interrupt the seriousness of your situation by continuing to schedule fun outings along the way in an effort to merely put TIME behind you. Until the fog is gone, withdrawal is over and the anger associated with your feelings is pretty much dissipated you are more likely to fight than resolve conflict appropriately or effectively. What to do? Space out the conflict and agree to resolve issues patiently. Put the issues out there and just listen to each other without finding it necessary to come to immediate resolutions. Just peel away the layers of frustration you both have experienced in this marriage and allow them to remain unaddressed for now. Schedule the fun in the meantime.

September, 2005 is already the worst month of your lives, and together you have the opportunity to enrich your marriage to such an extent that you may look back at this as the best month of your lives also. The beginning of a new and satisfying marriage. It all depends on your ability to perceive the affair as an inevitable consequence of your disfunctional marriage and as an opportunity, now that the affair is over, to address it, put it behind you and become the partners you anticipated being on your wedding day.

My original post was better but I hope you get my drift.

ACT OUT

Maybe Toolman will get on this thread and provide some input. He's at a meeting tonight, but will be back late. I really don't know how to approach the SF thing, Believer.

I forget - did you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"?

Hi Believer,
Yes, I've read the book, and there are some good points in it. Some rub me the wrong way, but it's not too bad. I noticed that someone's post from the EN side was brought over here for analysis, and many did not like the woman's view of her husband. Interestingly, if I'm recalling right, some of those "pointers" were lifed from Dr. Laura's books. Believer, which key pointers from the "Care and Feeding..." did you find most helpful? (Experience is much better than straight text, right?)

You're right, they are very similar. I loved the book. I think that women do make a lot of mistakes, without even realizing it. I know that I did.

I guess what made me think of this book for you was the lack of SF in your marriage.

If you remember, in the book she said that SF is for men, like conversation is for women.

Believer... re: SF (or lack thereof)
Which is soooooo true in our case. Also, I'd add the equation:
Conversation for IAO = SF for Toolman (and probably visa versa!)
I'm gonna keep trying to pave the way. Hope I don't lose my path. MC tomorrow for both of us.

Good luck with the MC. You won't lose your path. I think you can do this.