Hi I am new user just signed on today. Long story short found out about my wifes A 3 weeks ago. Went thru all the usual pain anger and wanting to let her go. But perservered thru that feeling. The WS altough has admittedto all A and i feel is trullu sorry. But cannot control herself from contacting the OM. She has called him almost everyday except the weekend and contiuously lies contacting him until I see the phone records online. She is definitely in a fog she has said herself. I have tried to tell her that the "soulmate" thing is what every WS feels. She says that she has made such a deep emotional connection and they made plans on living happily ever after that she cant seem to stop thinking about him. I definety feel like a doormat. I have talked to the OM and he says its hard for both of them after getting so close. They say they will break it off slowly which I contest sincerely. She contacted him yesterday on my sons cell (I asked for her cell to keep from temptation) She caught me checking son cell records online and defended her privacy). I actually saw the records today found she had called him and they had talked on Friday and Monday. When I tell her that she has to NC the OM she says she tries but is failing. I know we cant go thru widhrawal until she stops calling him. I need help to convince her to stop contacting him......HELP!!!

I have showed WS this site nad we actually read some articles together including the 'ending the affair'.
I would like to hear from wifes who had the affair and went thru the fog and not being able stop contacting the OM. How did you overcome this. I have been in Plan A without even knowing about PlanA and I feel proud I chose that route.

To back track.....married for 17years. Kids 16 - boy, Dau - 13. Wife was my Highschool sweetheart. Wife says we got married beacuse we were HS sweethearts and kids came along and we never got to fall in love as adults. I agree to somewhat.

I am a very hoonest person and told WS I would be posting hereand told her to do the same under some name I wont know I will not ask her. She is a loving person and fell for this guy hard when we were going thru financial (failed Bus) troubles but she had issues with me form B4 which I do not deny. I am meeting her EM and have been informing of everything I find of value on this site. She has responded and we will move forward if she comes thru with the NC.

I am even open to giving her add (with her consent ofcourse)to an experienced and been thru those feelings wife that can explain what she is going thru.

I also dont know what they might be talking about but according to them WS and OM they ask each others family life now and not lovey dovey stuff and are supporting each other thru this and will eventually break it off.

Am I stupid and can this be true.......she believes it is.

If she says she cannot control herself .... she is lying. She chooses not to control herself.

Is OM married?

Yes he is married and has told us and her specially that his married is over and he has filed for D months ago. I am contemplating speaking to OM W to see what the real story is from her side and to see if OM is lying to WS about his marriage. He hasa 7yr old boy also.

It doesn't matter if they say they are talking about waxy build up, ANY contact is a continuation of the affair. But I think you realize that. You must feel like you entered the twilight zone to listen to her rationalizations; we know how that feels!

Probably the most effective affair killer that I have seen in the years I have been here is exposure. Exposure ruins an affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. Exposing is about like turning the light on and opening the curtains in a crack house. Who wants to smoke crack with everybody watching? Exposure also has the effect of ruining the fantasy when the affairees are forced to explain themselves to others; they begin to see how sleazy and silly they look to others.

Is the OM married? If so, his W should be informed. That will cut off the path from that end. Your W's parents, your parents and close friends should also be informed. It is important to not forewarn your W of this. And never threaten, just do it.

In the meantime, have you read any of Harley's books? A good one for you would be Surviving an Affair and possibly His Needs/Her Needs.

We also have some very healthy former WW's here who can talk to her. I would ask her to come to this forum, though, and just start her own thread. Hopefully, she will respect your privacy and stay away from your thread. Until she ends this affair, you will need some strategic help from us that she should not be privy to.

This is probably a lie, it often is, so I hope you follow through on this ASAP. And whatever you do, don't forewarn your W.

Ahhhh.....that statement is music to my ears... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are going to have to buckle up and get ready for a roller coast of emotional ******. Your situation is actually quite textbook, and has been seen a thousand and one times here...the good news is that there are tried and true methods to "recover" from this....you may or may **not** recover your marriage (because sadly, it doesn't matter what you do or say, IN THE END, after all of the stategies, and Plan A's and B's and C's... and the "how are you doing?" and the "can I meet your Emotional Needs", etc..your WS has to want to recover and put in the effort to recover from this. It is obviously not an easy thing, all of which you can read about on this site....

The ONLY thing you can do and be sure of is YOUR ACTIONS. You cannot control ANYTHING that your WAYWARD WIFE does, but you can sure as ****** CONTROL how you ACT and REACT to your wife's actions.

I don't ofocurse envy you here, but if you do this right....in the end, marriage or no marrige....you can live a very properous and fulfilling life. I may be considered by some as a "marriage builder failure", but let me tell you...I have never been happier in my entire life. I am not saying that you want to be me, but I am just letting you know that regardless of the outcome of this marriage, life does not end, and it can actually get better.

I will leave the "strategy" and "Plan's" to the marriage recovery experts here (of which I admiteddly am not) , I can help you out with humor and some realisitic common sense along the way, if you need it.

Goodluck.

Lem

W-A, see my toolkit thread for info on the effectiveness of exposure and stuff. Listen up to Mel and Pep. I'd be divorced today without them.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

As a former WS:

NC is essential. You can't let them talk to each other. They are living in a fantasy world, and all they do when they get together is [censored] and then add more cotton candy and gumdrops to the fantasy world.

The sooner they start seeing what it would be like to be with each other in the real world, the better off for you, her, OM and OM's W.

Expose, expose, expose...

It is going to be painful and a real b*tch...if you don't do it, the A will bleed the life out of you and the M.

Thanks for the info guys this forum is a life saver. I will post more detais later.

Thanks

I will try and expose ot OM W. I have to find out where he lives. He just relocated here from out of town. He was here moved out A cont via e-mail and phone and now he is in town after the A came to light (I exposed to all family) Only the OP W left.

Thx Again

bump

How should contact the OM W. What should I say. The OM has said that he has revealed the A to her and she is moving to her home state at the end of the month. Should I just ask her about him and what he is like and about the marriage and if what the OM said is correct?

Be sensitive, as if someone were calling you to tell you that your wife was having an affair.

Do so in love and concern, and verify what she knows and doesn't know.

Your wife is still "in the affair," so exposure is one step in the process.

If you want "emotional connection" between a wife and her OM, try my wife's affair on for size. 6 years, divorce plans all drawn up and waiting to be served, an "acceptance" of a proposal of marriage, wearing HIS wedding ring and engagement ring....I could go on and on about this Class II affair.

First things first though. Go get a copy of Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder to go with Surviving An Affair and you'll gain much insight into what's going on and what needs to be done.

IF you think it would be helpful to read about my "stuff" when I was at your "stage" of recovery, let me know and I'll post links to those early threads.

Patience. Please accept and commit to mountains of patience and endurance because your marriage will only have chance of surviving if YOU commit to these, because you wife "can't" yet. She is still lost in fog and withdrawal, and with EVERY contact, no matter what the 'reason', the withdrawal "clock" gets reset to zero, and you begin again.

Until she is OUT of withdrawal, she CANNOT commit and vitually nothing YOU do will register with her. You cannot begin to make deposits in her "Love Bank" until after Withdrawal ends (usually in about 3 to 8 weeks after the LAST and FINAL contact)

God bless. Keep posting. You'll need the support.

My W seems to vry understanding an is trying to do the right thing I just dont to risk anything by doing anything that will fireback on me or the process. WW told me last night that she feels like she wants to be with the OM. I told her all about the feeling and how other MBs have said hthe same thing about 'soulmate'. She is in soo deep that I feel I mioght loose her and I cannot help it. She does listen to me very intently and when it comes to family and friends they all know and nobody can believe my W would do such a thing. My family has said to let her go and move on but my kids are the ones sufferring and I have resentment towards the OM for not going away. If he was so knoble he should be saying to her not to call him and to work on the M. But he is also fueling the fire by telling her yesterday that altough he said he was not going to talk to W again and he did not say it before but he told WW that he is still in love with her and cant let her go or imagine her life w/o her. I believe I am in hte same spot as far as her emotional state that I was on D-Day.
I hope WW soon takes a baby step and NC so we can move on. I am totally commited to being there for her.
Question - What kinds of emotional stuff can I expect during the initial reaction of NC? Are we talking anger towards me, outcrys, throwing things....what!

Thanks Again

wa, you are probably not going to make it to no contact if you don't expose the affair. She has no reason to end contact and is currently getting her needs met in both places. The OM is probably telling your W lies about his own W< which is why it is imperative that you inform her that her H is having an affair with your W.

Why won't you call his W? I don't understand your reluctance. If she supposedly already knows, then why would this be a problem?

wa,

What your wife wants right now, besides “to stuff herself with as much cake as she can get,” is called an open marriage.

You don’t seem to want an open marriage.

So, take a stand.

With prayers,

Thanks guys, I think or should I say I want to believe that my WW is on the brink of an enlightment. She on my request has been reading MB and has posted for help on the NC. It could be the day to day hour by hour rlooer coaster thing which is on a good spot right now.

I want to give her some space before I make the move if it is unecessary. But I will not hesitate if it prolongs. And Iam only talking a couple of days.

I pray for patience and guidance.

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Can anyone recommend a good therapist counsellor in the SF bay area.

You can private mesg me

WA, best bang for your buck would be phone counseling with the Harleys.