I have been gone for quite some time. Since I last posted, my WW has moved out and filed for legal seperation. My concern is with regards to exposure. I have only exposed to WW's mother and sister. I have just recently exposed to my mother.

I am considering exposing to WW's father because I feel he would hold the most influence over my WW. But is it too late?? Would love some feedback!!

CR

Anyone??
CR

It would be really hard for any of us to tell you if it's too late or not. You obviously know more about your situation than any of us. But it looks like this A has gone on for nearly two years now? And you've been aware that it's been ongoing for how long? It looks like it's been several months at least that you've known that it's continued...what steps have you taken to end the affair up to this point?

It SEEMS (just what it looks like to me) that you've let this go on for so long that your wife doesn't feel that you'll truly do anything to end the affair. She's pursuing a D, and sees the A as her only real alternative at this point.

I can't say what further exposure would do at this point...hopefully you'll get some advice from the 'experts' soon here.

I have tried to end A. I have been trying to meet my WW needs as best I could. But I obviously haven't been doing it good enough. Her A has been off and on for almost 2 yrs. I'm just not sure if others have exposed this late in the game and if it helped or not.
CR

What specifically have you done up to this point to end the A?

I see that you've exposed to some of her family and yours...what about friends? Co-workers? How does she meet with OM? I've not read through your entire post, so I don't know much about your situation.

I'm not sure how to handle something like this where it's been a long term A.

Experts??

I wish I knew what to tell you, I mean there are people on here that didn't discover their spouse's affair until years into it........so they couldn't expose because they didn't know......have you known about it the entire time???

Well, not much advice, but at least my post will bump you back up top.

-Caren

Thanks for the replies. As you can see from my sig. line, I confronted WW about A about 1.5 years ago. So I have known about it for quite some time. I don't know what I can do to get her to end A. Again it was off and on over this time and I confronted her many times when I found out it was on again.
I also tried to become more involved around the house and with our DD. Obviously, this wasn't what WW wanted. We did see a MC (WW arranged) back in Feb. I told the MC that I didnt think it would be much help while WW having A. He agreed and told WW to end A. She said she would but didnt.

At end of April, I told her if she was going to continue A I thought it would be best for her to move out. She moved out and has now filed for seperation.

Why haven't you exposed further already? Just telling her to end it won't work. Even just doing plan A by itself usually doesn't work either...there has to be some kind of PRESSURE on her to end the affair. That pressure usually comes from the BS, WS's family and friends, etc...

It doesn't sound like she's been under a lot of pressure to end the affair. Again, I'm basing that on my VERY short perusal of your thread...you know far better than I do.

Putting pressure on now...I'm not sure what that would do or how to do it in the most productive way. I guess I'd suggest that you go back to the MC yourself, and discuss that with him...or call SH and get some counseling from him on this.

Sorry I can't be of more help to you.

Have you been keeping her affair a secret all this time? What other exposure opportunities are there besides her father? Is it a workplace affair? Who is this man and what is his marital status?

I think the posts from OWL were excellent. I agree that you allowed the affair to continue without consequences. You needed to expose the affair to anyone and everyone. Is the OM married? If so, contact his wife. Allowing the affair to continue for almost 2 years is crushing. She simply got used to it. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I would suggest a good attorney to protect your interests. I think your wife has been making a deliberate choice for the OM without regards to your feelings. Forget about a legal separation. This will allowe her to stay married and continue to have sex with the OM.

She has a fear of divorce. Move toward divorce and have your attorney contact her. This may be just the shock and catalyst she needs. Otherwise she will remain married and being with the OM. It may be too late but it seems that she has made you into a doormat who has been so accepting of the affair without consequences for her. I wish you luck.

No, I haven't kept it secret all this time. I have told some. WW closest friend knows because she went on a date with WW and OM. WW has another good friend I could possibly tell. WW absolutely adores her father and sets him up on a pedestal. Therefore, I feel he would be best to tell. My family knows but they are in the states and I am in Europe. My WW brothers don't know but they are only about 21 and don't know if they would help. WW met OM at work but doesn't work with him now. OM is single.

I am a little confused about statements saying I allowed WW A to continue without consequences. What consequences are you talking about??

I am sorry. What I meant was that it took you a long time to tell your wife to leave while she was continuing the affair. I meant to say I wonder if immediately when you found out and she continue contact that you had made her leave would reality have stepped in? She was allowed to stay in the house and continued betraying you for a long time without sacrificing anything until finally you asked her to leave. I would strongly suggest that you expose the affair to her father since he has enormous influence over her. At this point what do you have to lose?

Thanks for the clarification. You are absolutely right, I did wait too long to ask WW to move out. I did many things that I know I would have done differently if I had been in the States. But I can't change the past now. However, I could expose to her father now. The reason I never did was because WW's sister told me that if I did WW's father would hate WW for what she did.

Hello again,

Please contact the father. He seems to be the only one with enormous influence on your wife. I doubt he will hate her forever. Please expose now! I wish you luck.

Thank you for the support. I am going to tell WW's father tonite. I'd better prepare myself.
CR

Coasterride,

I agree with exposing to her father but not for the reasons stated. He will not "talk" sense into his daughter but there is the huge psychological impact with him knowing. Frequently women(and the same for men with their moms) have a great need to be daddy's perfect girl. You will tarnish that image and be prepared, a firestorm will emanate from your WW when you tell pops. Due to your delay and where your M is going, a scorched earth policy should be in effect for you. Expose to EVERYONE at the same time and then go as dark and silent as you can. I know you have a child but you need to read up on how an effective Plan B can be run. You have absolutely nothing to lose, your WW is and has been gone.

You blew the exposure technique, don't make the the same mistake with a half @ssed Plan B.

"I'm just not sure if others have exposed this late in the game and if it helped or not."

Exposure of my W's LTA did not happen until in its 10'th (at least) year, right after second DDay. This was 5 years after first discovery, with no exposure that time (I had not heard of SAA or MB back then).

Nevertheless, exposure was effective.

Guilt, loss of secrecy, loss of excitement doing something wrong, angry OM family - all the plusses of "true love with a soulmate" (erghh) were lost and all the minuses of a sordid A were finally, finally added in.

In addition, OM is a real player. Like a vampire he could not stand the light of day and quickly retreated back into the darkness.

So yes, late exposure is better than never. But then, IMO, it has to be nuclear to make up for the lost time.

With prayers,