No, I'm not talking about busing your kids.

I'm throwing out the question, when is it appropriate to make your kids part of your new relationship?

For a long time, I've thought that it shouldn't happen until there's an engagement, but, someone pointed out to me what if for some reason the kids and the new person aren't compatible? Wouldn't you like to know before you get to that kind of commitment?

What's your experiences? Were you a child integrated into a new family? What would you have preferred your parent to do? How has your ex-whatever done with the process? Was it beneficial or detrimental? What's your story?

I've read that the child and the potential step parent should meet and have a relationship established before a marriage takes place. Most people have an opinion on how long after meeting someone that this should take place. I think that a general concensus might have been somewhere after 6 months of dating.

I think that you are right to think about this - your children are important (and for you women the majority of child abuse is attributed to live in boyfriends and step fathers).

Most second marriage problems arise from the children rather than the usual money or religion or sex issues. I also read that if you do re-marry that you should aim for when your children are younger than 11 or older than 16 so that a relationship is more established before a step comes onto the scene.

But that doesn't answer your question about dating and kids. I guess that I would think you would want to protect your children from forming multiple attachments with people that will disappear from their lives. So maybe they should meet your potential casually a few times to see how things go, but not be allowed to spend significant time with your significant other and form a bond until there is an engagement?

V.

(((TheBigGuy)))

I think there are a lot of things to take into consideration here such as age of the children and the events/trauma surrounding the divorce.

I do believe that there has to be a level of commitment before bringing the children into the relationship, especially young children. They will get attached, form a bond, and then BOOM that person is gone and they are left to deal with the grief once again while likely the parent is moving on.

After my divorce (kids then 12, 9, & 6) I put my children into therapy and I went with them. These are all issues we discussed. About 1.5 years after the divorce I mentioned the idea of me dating. Heck before that they expressed they wanted me to. But when I truly showed interest in it, I could see it in their eyes and in their voices that they weren't ready for that. At that time I lived in a SMALL town and any date I would have had, they would have known about.

My wife, is also dealing with a similar circumstance where she brought the kids around a boyfriend. Her girls are 6 & 3, they formed a bond with her boyfriend and can't grasp why they don't see him anymore when they haven't seen him in over a year. I can't blaim them, it's loss after loss in their lives.

As far as what my X did, I would simply say she had an open house. It was one of the major issues that the girls' had to work through in therapy. I think to that extent, I was compelled to remain as a rock in their lives and provide that constant that they desired.

BigGuy,

For me, I have no intentions of bringing my girls into my dating life, until I see potential for myself with this person.

My girls are my life, so I would introduce them if I thought things could progress, but just to have them meet my dates, No, I have no intentions. That's not to say I would hide the fact if I went out, because I wouldn't. I just don't feel they need to meet anyone until it's appropriate.

I have only had the one experience where my girls are concerned, but it was a hard one. My oldest was very attached to xbf, and she had a hard time accepting when he was no longer a part of our lives.

Karona

I followed the 6 month rule, and then waited 8 months before I introduced my kids, very informally, to the person I've been dating. Although monogamous, I believe this is not a LTR as we are very different. So, I thought I shouldn't introduce him to the kids. After much discussion on and off of MB, I appreciated the commentary that said that our children need to see us in healthy relationships, and see other people treat us well - even if it doesn't lead to marriage. We are setting the example for the kids' dating lives, and should we teach them not to introduce any one to us unless they are serious?

My kids have not mentioned this guy again, and he's not really ready to interact with them again, although the initial meeting went well at the beach and boardwalk. He's older, never married and no kids and states he has limited patience with kids.

My X introduced the kids to his GF without telling me, and I don't know how long they'd been dating. From what I hear, there were no early sleepovers, or anthing to concern the kids, and they seem to genuinely like her and she them. But I get the impression that relationship is trailing off too, and if so my kids will miss her and her children.

My DD is young (2 1/2), but my counselor who is very good and religious suggested that I see how the man I am interested in interacts with her. He said that too many times he sees women wait only to find that the man doesn't have a way with their kid(s) and then they are hurt because they have a relationship that can't go further, but they have invested. He suggested that when i meet a guy that I really like and have spent time with to casually introduce my DD. He said it should be like meeting up with a friend. In my case, a playground or the park. He said to make him only a friend and show nothing more than what I would with a GF, but it would give me an idea what he would be like with her. I too always thought I should wait until I thought the guy was a keeper, but his thoughts are making me unsure of that. I haven't met someone yet, so I haven't been faced with the situation. But I would want to know how he interacted with kids before I feel too hard. I have been hurt so much that I would want to fall for someone only to have to walk away because he didn't do well with my DD. Also I think the more we are into a relationship the more we might make allowances for that person. We might be more willing to give them the benefit of just not knowing how to interact. Where if we see it earier we might see it for what it is. I don't know- just thought I would share a professional's advice. By the way I trust and really like my counselor.

Lucky Star- I"m with you.

First, I am a child of divorce. My mother had a few boyfriends while I was growing up, and we did things with them and their kids if they had any. I was never devastated when they broke up.

I,too, initally was going with the notion of no introductions until the relationship was serious, if only because that was what I was told to do. Now, I think differently. I agree that I would want to know right up front how a man interacts with my children. My kids are around my boyfriend and his kids all the time. We are friends, and it is not all that much different from when I met moms at playgroup.

I think the problem lies in how deeply involved parents let the BF or GF get with their kids. Living together is definitely out of the question. But we all have people move in and out of our lives, and we while we don't want to inflict unnecessary pain on our kids, is it different than if my best friend suddently moved, and her family is no longer around my kids?

I hadn't thought of the angle of wanting to see interactions before we get too involved and might try to make allowances for the BF- good point and I agree with it.

Also, since it does take time to develop a relationship, and my kids are with my all the time except for every other weekend, and BF has kids full time (kids visit far away during holidays only) just when would we develop this friendship if we didn't at some level include kids? We'd go broke paying for babysitters, and too much of that, I believe, also can send a wrong message, that the BF is more important. (Some babysitting is OK-my kids are 2 1/2 adn 4 1/2, and they totally GET that mom needs grownup time, and they're OK with that.)

My kids come first, but I don't see anything wrong with developing my own adult relationship.

cm

Perhaps never, or at least until they are grown and out of the house. Remarriage is often harmful to the children, even when it results in an increase in household income. If someone wants to date when the children are with the NCP, it may not be a problem, but as a general rule, if kids have two parents who are in their lives, adding a third person is not helpful, and is often very harmful.

I can't disagree strongly enough with Nellie2 on this.

I think caution is in order, but seeing a parent in a happy and healthy second marriage reassures a child that not all marriages end in divorce, and that they can hope for a good one.

My parents were divorced and remarried, and I love my stepparents. I had a very happy childhood.

On the other hand, children are quite likely to witness their parents' remarriages fail, and become even more skeptical about the chances of having a permanent marriage.

People, generally speaking, do not remarry for the sake of their children, but for their own sake. Children are often harmed by this remarriage. My first experience with stepparents was when I witnessed the stepfather of a friend of mine kick her in the back - fortunately not all stepchildren are abused, but I have heard so many stories from friends and acquaintances of stepparents who are anything but loving toward their stepchildren, and have yet to hear a person in real life say that they love their stepparent.

As I mentioned above, in spite of the fact that household income improves upon remarriage, academic achievement has been shown to decline:

Jeynes, William. "A Longitudinal Analysis on the Effects of Remarriage Following Divorce on the Academic Achievement of Adolescents." Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 33.1-2 (March-April 2000): 131(18).

And it's very sad about your friend. I believe it is understandable that your perception of remarriage was strongly affected by that extremely traumatic incident at an impressionable age.

In my own case, my brother and I both attained advanced degrees and enjoy good careers. We both love my stepfather and are grateful that God brought him and my mother together. My grandmother was a widow who was happily remarried, as well, and her husband treated my mother as well as her own father had, and they were very close. He was the only grandfather I ever knew. When he died of a heart attack, my mother mourned his loss very deeply.

I know another woman, my mother's age, who married an older divorce with four children. She has good relationships with her stepchildren.

I think that the key to successful integration of new spouses and children into a second marriage, is a positive attitude, patience, and love on the part of the parents and the stepparent. I know firsthand it's hard work, but I've seen it done, and I know my husband and I can do it.

Hi there TBG, sounds like your life is quite busy these days.

I can answer your question about what the stbx has done about introducing the children, but as I have no significant I can only tell what I have in mind to do if one should stumble (not in a drunken way of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) into my life.

The divorce is not final but getting very close. We have a Nov. date that sets a dead line for us to reach an agreement before the judge rules.

We separated last Oct./Nov. stbx bought a car from someone he's worked with for years in Dec./Jan. then introduced the kids to her as his girlfriend in April/May. I give you the background because perhaps in his eyes she has been a part of his life for quite some time (i don't know if he's been with her for a long time but I have to wonder) & felt the timing was good.

From the kids point of view things appear quite different. We aren't D'd & they only found out we weren't getting back together in March/April. My 10 year old asked me if I thought dad was seeing his girlfriend before we told them we were going to separate because he thought it was really soon for dad to have a girlfriend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />. I shared this with stbx & he blew up, acussed me of putting words in their mouths & trying to turn the boys against him, threw in a threat or two.

Their relationship appears rocky by some third hand accounts, & I suspect she may be the source of many hang up calls over the course of the past two years.

They all took a bit of a down turn & requested to see our shrink, something two of the three have not wanted to do prior to this.

For me, an introduction would not come until I felt the relationship was on FIRM ground & headed in a committed direction, not necessarily engaged but certainly committed AND plenty of time together, like many, many months. I will have met the important people in his life, his in mine & we know them too.

Was it detimental, yes, to a degree, but it also shows the children something of their father they didn't know, for better or worse. I think they've gained some appreciation for the stability & consistency I provide them at home.

complex question that depends on the maturity and understanding and communication of the adults. . .

Example: I, my two kids 10/13, my girlfriend, two kids, 9/14, spent a two week vacation together in an RV, with kids who had never seen each other before. ONe child tried to make a statement at the very beginning, and didn't get very far, but then again, he didn't have any idea of the adventures that we were going to have. ..

most here would probably gasp. . . and it was high risk.. .
beginning speech i made was that this trip is TWO families having a vacation together, NOT a family blending trip.

however, we only had ONE day of complaints, and when this happened, we both took our kids separately for the day, independently. . . and when we all came back again, the kids each felt the parent didn't relinquish them to second fiddle to the other parent. . .

the dynamics of a vacation is different than everyday life. .. however, we, the two parents agreed, that we will not consider marriage until my youngest is in college. . .

my kids have already been subjected to a trial integration on a weekend basis by the idiot, and there were lots of bad feelings and idiots never pick well either, X picked a worse loser than she is. . . and son of a gun, the X's boyfriend was found cheating on her. . . birds of a feather. . .

anyway, the issues are not easy, and are very complex as witness to the very high second divorce rate, therefore, I am deciding NOT to enter a very high risk situation for my kids. . .

I am not going to heal myself with a blended family situation and put my kids at risk IF i can't find the ideal situation....others may proceed at their own risk. . .

wiftty

I will continue on with my own situation. My mother finally did re-marry, and I love this man with all my heart, and would do absolutely anything for him, as would he for me.


Just like with out own failed marriages, we can get "down" on the idea of marriage, and the opposite sex, and be miserable forever and not ever let anybody back into our lives, or we can realize that not all people treat each other that way.

This could also think this way in regards to stepparents. NOt all of them are horrible people and not all of htem will treat children poorly. We cannot let some bad examples ruin any optomism we have. If that were the case, I would not drive because some people have carwrecks.


cm

That is why I do not ride a motorcycle, or drive without a seat belt. Every time we make a decision, we do a risk-benefit analysis (or should at least). In the case of remarriage, the research I have done as well as what I have seen and heard anecdotally shows that the benefits to the children are few and the risks great - not just in terms of abuse, but more often in terms of the emotional effects of having to deal with a stepparent who would often prefer, perhaps subconsciously but often consciously, that the child not be there, as well as dealing with a biological parent whose primary focus is often on the new relationship rather than on raising their children.

As an example, are any of the children in the following thread better off because their parents remarried? I certainly don't think so:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2819371

I think it all depends on the approach and how you introduce people into your child/children's lives. I have had wonderful memories of teachers and people come and go out of my life who have greatly influenced my life. I would say just be careful with the women you date. Make sure they have qualities of patience, loving, kindness, etc. before you introduce them and then don't introduce them as a potential step parent, only as a friend.

I know your not to this point yet, but I wouldn't worry about blending families if you have the right woman in your life. I have to think about my neighbors down the road. I was shocked to learn their oldest daughter was from the mother's previous marriage years and years ago. She had a horrible biological dad but the best step dad. To her, the step dad was her dad and he influences her life positively daily. There is no difference at all in his love for her and his blood children. Without him in her life, I don't think her life would have been as nearly a happy, stable one. He brings so much joy to her, and I see how much she loves and respect him.

I think it's all about the choices we make, who we bring into our children's lives...someone who is giving, has patience and kindness or someone who has no patience and no love for children. We can't just look at who we are attracted to, there is so much more to consider when we have children involved, but don't let that stop you from bringing a positive person into your child's life.

Anna