I have spent several nights verbally beating WH up.
I am ashamed of myself. No matter what he is
doing/done to me and our kids my behavior is not right
nor justifiable. I kept him up a long time last night
ranting because I want ANSWERS! I for some reason need
to know why he is throwing our love, our children our
home and our marriage away for OW. He can't/won't
answer me. We meet with our attorney for I think the
last time tomorrow. Then we have about 3 weeks until
the D goes through. We have to sit down and tell the
kids. We are going tonight to discuss how we are going
to handle the last bit of stuff like visitation and
telling DD12.

Friends, I hurt so bad. I hate myself for cussing like
a dock worker at the man I love. I hate that I cannot
seem to let go of the last shred of hope for
reconciliation. I am so on the edge of wanting to take
my last breath on this earth. I am TIRED. I know what
started my rant. I had a really rough morning with
DS7 yesterday and I was exhausted. I went to bed
thinking I can't do this everyday for the rest of my
life. I can't fathom doing it alone!

Please pray for me to let him go. Please pray for
strength for me to get up every day and face life.
Most of all pray for the joy to return to my heart.

I have been reading this little book online about dealing with loss, maybe it will give you some peace.

http://www.buildfreedom.com/content/books/survive/1.html

It is nice easy reading, I have gotten something out of it.

I was wondering .... how much of your son's physical care is attended to by his Dad?

FF
You mean you SWORE at poor old WH ? YOUR BAD ! Fancy using anglo saxon words at that nice man whose only fault was to repeatly bang other women and lie to you about it, then sneak around behind your back supporting an OC.

Well I can't BEGIN to tell you my disappointment in you. You coulda pimp slapped him with a dancing shoe at least too !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

DEAR FF, I know how hard this is for you, but you know that one way lovin' ain't no sorta lovin'.

Its not as if you haven;t given him ozens of chances at ethe risk almost of being a doormat to be decent. You plan A'ed and plan FF'ed too.

Face facts

Fact 1- you love him. Yeah, yeha yeah
Fact 2- he's not been anything like a good dad to DS7. He wouldn't help you out a whole lot even before you knew about the A's right ? Tell me if I'm wrong FF, I'm trying to lay out the facts
Fact3- He is a serious repeat offender and like your tagline says he's hasn't lifted a FINGER to change his ways.
Fact4- FF you CAN do ANYTHING you arehappy with. If you want to, you can be a doormat and take what you can get in hope that WH will change DESPITE what MB, and the great and good on here tell you.

Consider those facts FF. And others relevent.

You earned every syllable of your tirade, and more. And ten a day if you want. Hundred a day.

Let me do my annoying Bob thing. Because this is what I think this is coming down to with you FF:

What would you do if you weren't afraid ?

All blessings my friend. I se a muc brighter future for you and D and DS than you do. It sjust that I don;t see WH as a critical ingredient in that happiness.

Kind of like adding boogers to a cake mixture. Sure you can still eat it but WHY would you ant to do something that will inhibit your enjoyment of the cake ?

{{{{{{{{{DS}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{DD}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FF}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{FF}}} i am so sorry you are hurting.

I noted the Beatles reference Bob .... thank you for that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

FF - I think your feelings and actions are very normal. I know after a couple of years of no LB'ing, when I got close to being done with WH, I let them rip. I told him EXACTLY what I thought of his sorry [censored].

FF, try not to despair.

I won't give you the "you WILL get better" rap. You know that already.

Having compassion and taking the high road does not forbid you from expressing yourself.

And curses are good, strong, expressive words!

I hereby decree that FF shall have permission to feel like he!!, lose her cool, and pitch out a few curses now and then.

Ask yourself, if you can, In a year will I regret what I'm about to say?

Just because it's fierce does not mean it's regrettable.

GC

Oh thank you every one. BR, I am reading but having many, many setbacks as the D draws close.

Pep, he has not been a lot of help w/DS. Bob, you are right on with that. But that extra pair of hands around the house even lazy hands do mean something. They mean I can run to the store without the kids. They mean someone besides me can help DD with homework or change a diaper or hold DS while I cook dinner. I can't put this all on my DD. She needs to be a child.

Most of my cursing and anger has been about him choosing OW/OC and his OWN selfish needs over the needs of COM. THEY should come first. Yes, OC should have a dad, but they did this to him not me, not my kids. So why oh why do MY kids pay that heavy price and not OC?

I was willing to forgive, I was willing to accept OC into my home. All I get is his lame excuses that he thinks I cannot accept OC.

Ok this ugly but I have to say it and I did say this to WH. I believe...that OC is so damned important because he is NORMAL! WH doesn't have to be embarrassed by a normal, healthy son. A son that can play ball, learn to walk and talk and won't wear diapers the rest of his life. There I said it. That is the truth. That is what I am so f'ing angry about!

FF,

I have to say that I'm very sorry to hear how badly you feel; yet at the same time I am always so impressed with the level of love and care you get from your friends here.

They love you unconditionally; and I hope you feel it.

They want this same love and care for you in real life too. You deserve it, and no one wants to see you settle for anything less than the BEST that life has to offer.

Glad you could come here and unload what happened. Hopefully you can let it go in peace and not have it weigh you down any longer.

I do feel it, Csue and I am honored that so many wonderful people care.

I am trying to calm down. Right now I have cried myself into a headach and puffy face. I need to go to work but need to get myself together first.

It is not a matter of him not being able to provide you the answers you seek to help you heal. He chooses not to.

Do you, would your or should you really love a man who choose to NOT help you heal?

I am sorry you are hurting. The pain will decrease. Remember the BS goes through stages. Try reading the 5 stages of grieving link in my sig line.

We know how you feel. Letting go means your mind and heart are finally in sync. I don't believe you are quite there yet.

Remember to look at this correctly. You are beating yourself for the anger and sadness he keeps giving to you. If someone where to do this to your children, what would you do? Would you tell your children to stay with someone like that?

Let's get you focused and back on track. Ok?

L.

That is what I was thinking too but was too afraid to say it because I did not want to add to your husband's list of personal weaknesses .... but, you are most likely correct.

FF, like it or not, your H is a weak man, not 1/10 the strength of you.

YOU have carried the majority of the responsibilities for the family since your son became ill ... you know that's true.

OK, that is why I came this morning. I can't do this alone.

I encourage you to make sure that in any children-related issues when the legalities are handed out ... you make certain CERTAIN your husband has HIS SON at least 50% of the time.

Personally, I think this is critical. if your H has a sliver of hope that he will not carry the physical/social/emotional/financial inconveniences and responsibilities regarding HIS SON ... I'd make damn sure he was given a bracing reality check right from the get-go.

I know you are right. One of the things I yelled at him last night was "be a man for God's sake!"

I feel really bad about myself for resenting a baby. A sweet, beautiful, innocent baby. I KNOW it is not OC's fault. OW got what I so desperately wanted...another chance at another child. I hate for that.

I want to let go of the hate, the resentment, the pain and (oh the dreaded sentence)"move on" to the next stage in my life.

hunny

you don't resent the baby .... you resent the ugly situation you've been thrown in by the utter foolish selfish choices of your husband.... get that straight in your head !

I will. I asked if he was aware that CS for DS will continue for life? That DS will never be exempt for support like DD and OC? He did not know. I also beleive, Pep, that this D is his hope for finally getting out from under responsibility in his life. He hates responsibility. He hates people needing him. He already told OW he will not marry her, will not have a full time R with her, and will not be with her and OC much.

It is his chance to have what his unmarried male friends have...nothing but themselves to care for.

Yes, ma'am. Pep, how can I thank you enough? Truly looking back over the past year of my posts you have walked me through fire.