Well DS is very sick so I won't be going anywhere. His issues are more important than mine. First time in 3 months I had to give him an albuteral treatment with his nebulizer. Poor guy is red eyed, drippy nosed and listless. Kids like him go down so fast!

Poor DS. I want to cry when he feels so bad. He is silent and doesn't want to eat or drink. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

FF - hope your little man gets better soon. Will your WH still go to the bike thing if your son is so ill? tt

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[[DS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Poor little man.

GC

{{{{hugz to you and your son}}}}

We feel so helpless when our children are ill. Let him know a lot of your friends from all over the world send their wishes for him to get well.

Hugz,
L.

DS, is a little more chipper this morning but still very congested. At least he is verbalizing today after being silent all day yesterday. Yes, tt he did go to the bike thing. It truly amazes me how selfish and self centered that man is. I asked him to stay home with DS so I could take DD to church. No, can't disappoint his buddy. BTW, this attitude is not new. It has always been everyone else before us. I am getting more and more anxious to get this M behind me.

I should add that I take responsibility for this to continue in our M. That was the CA in me.

You have to remember these truly selfish acts and stop looking for the good in your WH. He is looking after no. 1. So must you. TT

I know you are right, tt. I think that is why I relate to your sit. I called WH and asked him to please come home. We'll see if he does.

I'm sorry about your son, but glad he is feeling better today.

Please re-read my prior advice. Your husband living there is not beneficial in any way.

Susan

Earlier quotes:







What is the advantage to putting off the divorce?

I see it as a HUGE disadvantage because you are showing your husband over and over that you don't mean what you say.

Susan

If you take responsibility for what you've done in the past, you now have the power to choose differently.

Just a little tweek here. I suspect there is something afoot besides CA.

I suspect you take on the woman-in-charge-you-can-depend-on-me role. It pleases you to be her. You've accomplished great things in your life (in part) because you were her. It is a large part of your identity.

Me too.

And that's fine ... but not always.

If you take that in-charge-woman and pair her up with a person who wants not to be in charge .... at first, she's happy and so is he. Hand meet glove.

But as the roles becomed more deeply ingrained and more habitual, resentments grow from the same dynamic that used to please both of you.

You feel burdened and put upon.

He feels babied and unnecessary.

Gradually , the relationship becomes more like parent / child than adult partner / adult partner.

I am describing our pre-affair situation, and perhaps yours as well.

This may have worked rather well for you had it not been for the tremendous sadness of your son's unfortunate illness and chronic sequelae.

Now too many added rocks in that previously comfortable boat ... and what used to work is unworkable. The boat won't row properly. Everyone feels trapped.

anywho .... I only want you to think about this and see if you recognize any pattern in your marriage ~beyond~ simple CA.

Why?

So you can stop doing something that may be destroying you personally and stunting your husband's maturity.

I might be way off base too ... but if I am, I imagine that what I just wrote will strike someone else as accurate for themselves.

It's a pretty common pattern.

PS

Was your own affair a sort of 'jailbreak' from your over-burdoned-responsible role in the family.

You were "Mrs. responsible for everything" .... so you shed that role and had some fun in an affair ....

just a thought ????

True, though in many aspects of my life I have let go of that role. That is even the role I played in my A which I think is one of the reasons I ran from that. I used to be like that at work as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> The thing is I do understand that now and yes that is one of the things OW fills in him. He is her rescuer but then he runs from the responsibility and back to me. Yes, that is how our MC described. Also WH complained I don't need him. I want to and am trying to but how? Like yesterday I asked him to please stay home with DS so I could go to church. He will avoid answering until the last minute and then "no" So I call him this morning and say "look, I really need you to come home and not work". He tells me he will call back and then avoids answering my calls. Do I just walk away like you suggested yesterday? Sunday is my family time at church. I can't just make plans and walk away. Most of what I do, I do for my kids. What am I missing here?

And Susan, yes I know he needs to go. I am at a loss how to get him out.

Yes, until the "woman in charge" role started in there too. I was overwhelmed with two kids and no hubby to help. He has ran from us our entire M. I am surprised he hasn't worn out more shoes or the bottoms of his feet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I know, Sus you are right. The financial advantage likely does not out weigh the advantage to getting this over with.

Am I out of line considering plan b? I so want this guy out of my line of sight. I am so deeply disappointed in him and myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My dear friend,

I hope you are doing well - I haven't posted much to you as I haven't known what to say - but I wanted to say - you have bee n on my daily prayer list.

(((HUGS))

Thanks for thinking of me Dorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well my resolve to let go was lost today. Gosh I just can't seem to do things right. 5 plus hours after I asked WH to come home he called to say he was on his way. I asked him where else he had been and he would not answer. So, stupid me I called his buddy and asked him. I got chewed out big by this guy for "putting him in the middle". I told him my H put him in the middle by using him as an excuse but all I got back was "well you are putting me in the middle using me to check up on him". And he is right...I also found out this guy is now an A enabler. He knows my H has been cheating and using him as an excuse and all he did was get mad at ME. You know forget all this cr*p.

I told my Wh I am sick of the way I am around him. I want joy for my children, not pain and our stress. I don't know why I am posting this. It is just more of the same. I cannot seem to get myself out of this mess. I am sick of myself right now...

Wow, I just stole this quote from another thread but it really jumped out at me. This goes both ways. Neither me or my WH had any example of a healthy M in our formative years. The first example of a good M came from my older sister. She has now been M'd almost 27 years. Her H and her have been through a lot and I know at one point early on my sis had an EA with an old b/f and almost left her H. She got breast cancer at that point and her H was amazing. That turned my sis's view point around. Plus she never wanted to do to her DD what my mom did to us.

Fast forward to me and when my DD was 2.5 years old and I was desperate for love, attention, to be kissed by my H and to have help raising my two kids along comes OM whom I had already known for 10 years. I began to follow the path my mom took. What finally stopped me was

1. The horror of realizing I was doing what she did.
2. I would not choose OM as a father to my kids.
3. I saw I was just continuing to make bad, self destructive choices

I will kick myself forever for not telling my H about the A. I did really turn myself around after that. I stop the whole entitlement crap. I really worked hard at making personal boundaries to ensure I would never cheat again.