[color:"blue"] [/color] I have been married for almost 12 years, I'm 29 years old, and we have 3 children. There have been two affairs (BMH), Lies, abuse (emotional and phys.). many seperations. I have always tried to do the right thing, as a woman of God, now since my husband tells me he too is a man of God, but his actions don't show that all of the time, he blames me for our problems now. I found out about the affairs a year ago mothers day. He confessed them to me, we were seperated the entire pregnancy with my 2nd child, and that's when they took place, not only did he have sex with them, but he lived with both of them while not giving me any financial or emotional support at all. He has had many jobs, and we have had to move many times, now when I'm completely NUMB about him, he says that he is changed, I think that my children and I deserve better than this. He has also forced me to have sex with him many times, and he never talks to me, only when he wants sex, so you can guess that I never want to have sex with him...Then I have christian friends telling me to not "run away" from him...I don't know what else to do, honestly, I have turned the other cheek so many times, and I feel that my Father knows how much I've tried. My husband tells me that God hates divorce, I know that, but I know also that God doesn't hate me, and I have got to believe that maybe being led to this site he will speak to me through fellow members. So give your insight, and prayers, please. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

God hates divorce but He also allows us to divorce if an affair occurs because He knows that this type of sin is too much for some people to live with.

So it is up to you to continue or not. God understands.

Abuse and adultery is never ok. You should continue to be seperated from this man until you have seen a consistent change in behaviour. Keep yourself and your children safe, first and foremost. If you are safe, if the abuse stops, then you may be able to work on rebuilding a marriage. But safety comes first. Are you safe? Are your children safe? Perhaps your husband will join you in Christian counselling after you are safe.


Mrs. W8ing

Yes, we are safe, The phys. abuse stopped years ago, I had him arrested for it when my son was very young (he's 11 now). What I need is stability, and as I said we've had to move many times, he has been the provider for this family, I haven't worked outside of the home many times. (really my grandparents have provided more than he has) I refuse to move again, as my children feel "at home" where we are now, we have 2 horses, and they're in our backyard. I live on eggshells, not knowing if he'll keep his job, or if we'll have the rent. I just don't love him the way that I should, too many hurts from the past, and he doesn't SEE me at all, he just wants to have sex, not talk, or anything, I sleep on the couch because of that and have for a long time. The affairs really hurt me, and he thinks just because I forgave him, that I can just "get over it", it's not that easy. I believe that if you truly love someone, that you wouldn't cheat on them, period. There's no excuse for that. If I truly saw a real "try" from him, maybe it could be different, but I truly don't think so. I just can't believe that God would want me to be with someone who doesn't value me or his children (he's not involved with the kids either) I feel so sorry for my son, he is so clingy to other men, and it makes my husband mad, but it's because other men are the only men who do things with him, and teach him things.I could go on and on, but I'm tired, that's all I can say, I feel as though We deserve better, we deserve to own a home, and know that we won't have to move, we deserve to have the things we need in every way. Is that "selfish" of me, I don't think so, do you?

It sounds like your emotional needs are not being met. Assuming you and the kids are safe and that the abusive behaviours have ended, then you need to focus on ending LBs and in meeting ENs. Have you taken the Emotional Needs Questionnaire? You may want to post on the Emotional Needs board. Just be warned, you won't get support for divorcing until you have MBed for a while.

Mrs. W8ing

I'm sorry, but I just started on this site, and I don't understand the abbreviations??? Humor me, what is LBs? and ENs??? any other abbrev's you can help me with also would be great!

Love Busters and Emotional Needs. Anything he does to turn you away from his is a love buster, but if he meets an emotional need, then you'll grow closer to him.

With that said, I'm not going to sit here and support a person that rapes his wife on a regular basis. I don't know how anyone of the above people could even condone you staying with him. My God have you no compassion? Christ does not want us being tormented by evil on a regular basis. And the last time I checked the definition of Rape is Non-consentual Sex of any type. If he really just wants you around for sex, and you don't want it at all, it doesn't matter if you give in or not, if you say NO, and he tells you to do it anyway, that's sexual abuse and rape. I don't care if you're married or not. As a recovered victom of sexual abuse, I will stand up for you and say, tell the slimeball to go away.

Remember, non-consentual sex is rape. I don't care what book you read, that's the definition. I don't know how many times I can say this, sexual abuse will tear you a part. Believe me, I've been through 2 years of solid counseling and anti-depressents for it. Before that, I attempted suicide a couple of occasions because I blaimed myself for the abuse, I felt degraded, and I felt worthless. I almost ended my life because of it. I would use different language to describe him, but I won't, Get rid of him, and seek counseling for yourself. I have no doubt that you feel degraded by him, week to defend yourself against him sexually, and you think there's something wrong with you. Get rid of him and seek help from a good counselor-- A marriage counselor cannot repair the damage he's done to you through sex. You need a good rape and abuse crisis counselor. Meet at least weekly, and do as much as you can to help yourself!

I am appauled that no one else on here has even thought of this. If he says he wants sex, and you say NO, and preasures you into it... There's no respect for you. He's just degrading you, making you feel worthless. God DOES NOT EVER WANT YOU TO FEEL WORTHLESS! Everything I have found in the bible builds up a person, it does not tear down a person. You're being torn a part piece by piece by something so strong, so horrible. If you don't take control it can destroy you. It nearly did me.

FIC777
Welcome to Marriage Builders. My #1 suggestion is that you read everything on this site (not these forums) first of all. There is a lot of information which, after reading, you may see how it can apply to your own situation. Then, when you have questions, you can post them on these discussion boards.

I assume you belong to a church based on your screen name. Have you talked to your pastor/elders/church leaders about your situation? How much do they know? How involved are they with interaction with your husband, or yourself? There is always much, much more than what can be said in a short post here, and that is why it is so helpful to have those around us in person who can counsel, support, encourage, and pray for us. So advice #2 is to talk to your church leaders and hear their counsel, and have them pray with you about how to proceed, and in what way.

Thank you so much, sometimes we need to be validated, on what we've been through. I would love to exchange email addys with you, to talk about this more. you are the first person that "gets it" where I'm coming from. I've had the scripture quoted to me, "do not be apart, except for a time of prayer",,, I'm sure you know which one I'm talking about."then come together again so that satan doesn't tempt you". I understand that, but that is with consent. I have to believe that I have the right to not want sex, I feel as though I could completely do without it, because of the way he makes me feel. I will not be used anymore, I believe that any relationship becomes wrong, if all you do is use the other person for your own means. Thank you again for this post, you touched my broken heart.

I agree with avondale. I would talk to your pastor and get some advice from him/her. I know that God does give 2 reasons for divorce. The first is infidelity and the second is if you're married to a non beliver but he does say that reconciliation is still the best choice.

I would try to give your Husband a chance, though it sounds like he's gotten plenty. But, know that if he really wants to change he can, but It is in your hands. Just be very sure if you decide to divorce that that is your best option.

stay strong and trust in God.

FIC, Be wary and careful when someone starts quoting scripture to get you to do what they want. You know that Satan himself can make a tool out of the Bible, so why can't your husband?

I'm going to come at this from a different perspective -- Stewardship. God asks us to be good stewards of his creation. Sure that includes giving, but it includes so much more than that. In God's physical absence, we are to take care of his possessions until such time as He sees fit to claim them.

Let's see... that includes other people, the environment, animals, children. What am I missing? Oh, yes. That includes YOU. He made you, you are His. You MUST take care of yourself as a part of being a good steward. In fact, I believe that is one of our primary stewardship responsibilties. After all, how can we do what God has planned for us if we allow ourselves to be beaten down and broken?

So, if you were faced with an angry mother tiger, would you stick around or try to escape? What about a madman? What about someone who forces you to have sex, abuses you, and destroys your psyche?

I'm not saying you need to divorce immediately. But your husband needs a wake up call. You need to ask your church and family for help and separate. See if you can get the Dave Ramsey radio show on your radio. He teaches about "Financial Peace" and ends each segment with "The only way to true financial peace is to walk daily with the Prince of Peace." The stability financial peace brings is important in a marriage.

Why can't your husband keep a job? In combination with what you've said, that's another red flag.

Would it be possible for you to get a job? At least that would give you more control of your life, and some choices.

One thing I've learned in life is that, people that have NOT dealt with abuse in their lives, have a difficult time understanding how to deal with it. I was lucky, I had really good (secular) counselors that encouraged me to maintain my faith, and helped me talk out the abuse I went through. My heart truely goes out to all those that have been abused.. It does not matter if you consent and in your heart you are refusing and saying no... If any part of you is saying no... It's not right. You are only degrading yourself and allowing him to degrade you. This is not a marriage.. And if you don't act to help yourself (I realize the financial issues could really be a problem, don't try to live above your means, apply for food stamps and, WIC, and other government aid until you can get yourself on your feet.) Ask a church for help.

You are going to need lots of counseling before starting another relationship. You will have self confidence issues for years. IN some ways you'll miss him. The person that abused me had been my best friend for a number of years and a relative. When it I told him off for everything he had done, he didn't remember doing it and denied that everything. Being this is your H we're talking about he will say it's a marital duty and there's nothing wrong with it. Don't ever give in to that. Yes the bible says a woman has a duty to their H, but God also says an H should love and cherish their W's. Loving and cherishing them is not using them for Sex and tossing them aside.

God will heal your wounds, but they are very deep and it will take time. My life is an example unto God and this world that one can recover fully from this type of abuse. I am not a counselor, so I encourage you to not take my word for it. Take God's word, take the word of a true professional counselor. If you can't pay for it, there are free secular counselors. They can get you medications and help you rebuild yourself. Just try to keep God as your foundation no matter what. His love is stronger than any sin or violent act on this planet.

If you need to contact me or need help finding resources I will help... whitewolf32@cableone.net is the email address.

Please take care of yourself. The rest of your life will come together if you start respecting and taking care of yourself.

My prayers and heart goes out to you. May God be with you and bless your life more abundantly than it ever has been.

I want to thank all of you for your replies and prayers, you don't know how much it mean to me. I am seeking answers, and putting faith in Christ, and I know he will direct my steps, and keep a blanket of peace upon me. Also I would like to add that I am going to seek counseling for myself and if my H is willing, for him also. Thank you again.