It's really interesting how much you can dislike someone you love so much. My H and I seem to be "functioning" well. We're open, honest and we're aware of one anothers needs, and making them top priorities.

But I have to tell ya... sometimes I have a really hard time LIKING him. And that is seriously effecting our sex life. He was on vacation last week, and I appreciated having some help with the house and the kids, but I NEEDED for him to go back to work! After a while I just couldn't stand him... I thought it would get better when vacation was over, but I realized that we're both having trouble in that area.

So here's my question... what do you do when you don't like each other? Deposits into the love bank don't seem to be doing it.

We never had this problem until his A. I mean we could work each others nerves, but we hated being upset with each other, because we LIKED one another. Now, whenever he rubs me the wrong way I just avoid him. And sometimes this can last for days. What's going on?

It is my opinion that it always easier to love someone..

liking them is a whole different ballgame...

What I do believe though is that your withdrawing and avoiding him for days is a very slippery slope and very dangerous to a marriage.........

The more comfortable you become with the pattern of withdrawal and ability to pull back the more it will become familiar and eventually set a precident...

very dangerous to a marriage
very dangerous to a marriage in recovery...

and it is not a phenomon that just exists it is a direct result of your actions..............

It is these exact times that yourself in my opinion must call to the for-front of your brain the good qualities and good things about your husband....

it is in essence the ACTION of the marital vow to cherish...

you say needs are being met...but I bet if you dug they aren't...
that you are holding on to
or tallying things that annoy...and giving them much greater power than is healthy for your marriage..

dig deeper on this..
be more specific with what he is doing that is annoying...

weigh it against the larger picture of your marriage
and see if it is truly disrespectful behaviors on his part.

our brains can trick us in to creating drama
our brains can trick us in to believe we would be happier or different only if someone else did this or that...
our brains can hold on to wrong or hurtful thought patterns that are destructive and cloud the truth......

where are you and he in recovery
how far down the road
how much work has been done in recovery
etc

ARK

Thank you for that perspective. It's hard to remember at times that committment is a choice... along with all it entails.



I guess the most bothersome thing he did during his vacation was breathing down my neck about the many, not to mention difficult things I do on a daily basis wothout him. My H works VERY hard (80+ hrs/wk), and if it concerns the kids, the house, the bills, repairs, the business, dates to remember, or the shopping... it rests with me. It is a responsibility I welcome given how hard he works to make it all possible. So when he jumps down my throat about why I organize the canned goods a certain way, why I don't deviate from my weekly dinner menu, or even my choice of all purpose cleaner, I get more than a little offended. If anything, his vacation should have been an opportunity to get a glimpse of what I do all day and prompt him to be more appreciative than critical. It makes me feel unappreciated and incompetent.



My H's A was 3 years ago and we have since worked through some very difficult "stuff". I see how we are both responsible for our relationship and he sees the fog for what it was. I thought we were in a very good place until I began having what can only be described as waves of anger from the past. (see thread... "I'll never be her... and it really bites").

I guess I'm still in that stage where I won't differentiate between an isolated misunderstanding and a fight that has to do with him wanting someone else. I'd have to let my guard down for that... not ready.

I MISS LIKING HIM! It made it easier to get through rough spots.

bump