Hello...I know that my issue that I'm about to share is nothing compared to the pain alot of you are dealing with now, but I dont know where else to turn or who to share with. Please forgive me if this is not the right place to post.

I just discovered that my husband has set up an account with adultfriendfinders. Since he didn't clear the history I was able to hack into it. He is trying to set not himself up, but he and I up with women(threesomes). We have been down this road before. In the past we would talk 'dirty' about it and it was nice to have as a fantasy, but he always wants to take it to the next step. I only did the fantasy talk because he liked it so much, but I regret it now. A few years ago he tried to set up an account to pursue this and I told him that I would never ever feel comfortable doing that. I let him know that it was fun to fantasize about but I could never recover from having a threesome..it would destroy me and my marriage. He told me he understood but now he's back at it again! I feel like I'm never going to be enough for him.

My sister is in the middle of a bad divorce and one of the reasons is other people were brought into the marriage for sex. I have shared with him things my sister has told me and pointed out 'see what happens?'...I guess that meant nothing to him. I feel like he is being selfish and just doesn't get it.

Our sex life has not been the greatest lately but its still good. We have both been under alot of stress and with this added knowledge I'm putting more distance between us. When he tries to initiate sex I become hurt because I know his dirty little secret. He wants to go out to bars more and planned an overnight trip next weekend (which is unusual) and now I'm thinking the only reason he wants to go is to try to set me up with women. He keeps asking me 'whats wrong with you'? I feel like I'm only adding fuel to his fire because I'm distancing myself from him sexually and emotionaly. Its like a double ended sword...if I dont have sex with him he'll become encouraged to pursue outside encounters, if I do have sex with him I have to pretend I'm ok. I dont know what to do with my feelings.

I do know that I will continue to monitor his adult account.
In fact I set up an account to see if he pursues me and how far he will go. But I dont feel good doing this...it makes my heart sick inside and I'm afraid of the outcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm just so consumed and lost right now.

My heart goes out to all of you with deeper wounds...thank you for listening.

hh, welcome to MB. First, I would put a keylogger on your computer to see what else your H is up to. Second, tell him what you found. Don't play this "game" to see if he pursues you. Have you read all the site. Did you read the basic concepts. Radical Honesty is immportant. Have you been to marriage counseling?

thank you Faithful.

I'm pretty good at monitoring computers with three teenage boys in the house, and so far he isn't doing anything else that I can see, but I will consider the keylogger.

I haven't read everything in the site yet but will take your advice to do so. I guess honesty is the hardest blow and thats why I'm avoiding it. I also felt like seeing if I could trully trust his loyalty to me. I have always been very insecure about trust for past reasons and I felt like this was the perfect opportunity for me to see if my husband could really be true to his word. I dont want betrayl to slap me hard in the face when I least expect it.

We have not been to marriage counseling...yet.

thank you again

hiddenhurt........

This issue is much larger and greater than a fantasy....

The biggest reddest flag of this whole thing is that while the issue is about human sexuality..

you and he can not
do not
even communicate about sex..........

the issue is NOT a threesome or the fantasy, the issue is that you and he don't discuss it...,

This is your moment to stop the chaos on your end and clearly state your boundary
both concisely and lovingly....

you have direct proof that your husband is soliciting a third party in to your intimate universe...

which on a global picture is hugely disrepectful to
you
him
the OP
and God......

this is no time for game playing or pretending there is not a huge elephant standing in the bedroom..or whatever room you guys place it in

this is deeper than you with-holding in the sexual relationship leading him to seek outside parties...

this is the core root of marital vows ..
forsaking all others
AND
the vision of the God given gift of sexuality to humans....

if your goal is a Godly blessed union of this gift then you must define that with your husband...and work towards that goal...

you must clearly address these issues
you must clearly define and state your boundaries,..
you must not be afraid to discuss this issue
you must not be afraid of maturing in to a person whose values change so that perhaps even if at one time you could imagine or engage even in fantasy such a situation that you are NO longer that person today..
and today he is married to you..........

dear husband..

it is you and you alone I adore and cherish
I have no wish or desire to ever ever bring in to that world any other person...and i am very interested in pursuing and creating a marriage that is fullfilling enough for both of us...."

It is my opinion that his solicitation is a huge act of disrespect...and should be addressed head on...even though the chips may fall where they land....

be honest
be upfront

he may not get it..but that is NOT your PROBLEM
he is accountable to his choices...and he is free to choose differently...
but this is a matter where you are free to choose as well...

and intolerable activities especially such intimate ones...
should not be consented to out of fear of consequences or actions of his...

ARK

First of all - the idea of a secret account is all wong. He is lying to you and this needs to be addressed. You have teenage sons - what signal is this giving your boys. You are not the only one who can see where Dad has been. I would be so angry with my H if he tried to pressure me with something like this. It is disgusting and a total lack of caring for your feelings and a total lack of respect. Another thought could he be looking for a couple of OW to fufill his fantasy?? Please do not let this go. You both need MC asap.

This is your unhealthy and insecure presumption. He has a fantasy that you are correctly resistant to fulfilling and his pursuit of the fantasy is a detriment to your marriage. You must be open and honest about your feelings. However, as long as it remains only a fantasy there is nothing "dirty" about it. I'd love to get in bed with 10 women at once, though I am completely content with my sex life with just my wife. My wife has fantasies also (turnabout is fair play - express fantasies you have for being with someone with a bigger you-know-what, how would that make him feel).

One result of this affair business is my wife and I have for the first time freely discussed our fantasies. In prior days anything I revealed had the effect on her you seem to be having (though I never went as far as putting a plan in place to achieve any of them). I do not buy the assumption that you are not enough for him. You have been up til now and I bet he believes it will only spice up your sex life together and lead to more intimacy between the two of you. He is wrong, but that's what he may believe.

My point is be careful what you think your husband's thinking. He is an individual but in the end he probably wants to do right by you. He probably incorrectly presumes you'll enjoy it as well. Attempt to open up yourself and talk to him about it, directly. Tell him how you feel and also give yourself to him freely. With all sincerity you have the ability to make his fantasies come true all be yourself. Put on a wig, wear a custume, whatever it takes to make both of your acknowledged slumping sex lives better. He has an emotional need for sexual fulfillment and avoiding that need is a dangerous way to deal with your situation.


Do you like pina colada's and getting caught in the rain?

I wonder if anyone has ever had an on-line emotional affair with their own spouse? Is that infidelity? I agree with faithful. Monitor but do not engage.

ACT OUT

What is happeningn needs confronted. I wonder would he be persuing this if it were an OM being sought....I'm guessing not. There is another couple here recovering from a similair situation, perhaps they can provide some insight. However, given that you have relatives that did this, divoriced, and he hasn't seen the light...I think you have to confront it head on, and squash the fantasy that he has. SQUASH IT. Don't allow it to go any further in your marriage.

all of your replies really choked me up...thank you(I dont know why I'm so emotional).

I feel like I encouraged this behavior to some extent but I now see that his choices are his...not mine. I have always been very open sexually and done countless 'unmentionable' things for him..for 'us'...so thats why I feel like 'I'm not enough'. We have done everything but bring in a third party...so is to much 'to much'? Now I question if fantasy is healthy to share, but I do understand what your saying. I miss the way it used to be.

He is away for a few days so I have time to think and prepare for what I need to do...I'm scared to tell him I know, but I know I have to. I mean how do you approach something like this calmly? Believe me...I was so angry and hurt it took everything I could do to hold back confronting him spitting bullets and tossing things.

Thank you all for helping me sort out my thoughts..I will keep reading the site and your posts to learn more.

hh

hh, there is a poster who returns infrequently in a very similar situation. Her m was very open to "experimentation" and "fantasy". In the long run she regretted it. They are in the D process now.

I strongly recommend MC with a good pro Marriage MC. Perhaps even a couple sessions with the Harleys. Nip all this stuff in the bud and get your M back to a respectful place.

hidden, you confront it with honesty. Don't lie in any fashion. At the end of the night, you have you and the things you've done, and only get to blame yourself. Tell him, something felt amiss, so I started doing some checking. I came across your account on the internet. I am not okay with the idea of that, the presence of you in that place, nor it being a part of our marriage. You can go even further...you can explain to him that you don't want any part of it to be in your bedroom either.

I know it's alot easier to type the words here than to actually carry them out...but, keep on pressing. It is good to figure out your plan.

Hiddenhurt,

Back in May I was in exactly the same position you are in now. I discovered my H had a secret account on adultfriendfinders for the purported purpose of finding a threesome for us - or so he said in his profile there. Of course he had never so much as mentioned it to me and my reaction would have been an explicit and emphatic NO WAY. He absolutely knew in advance my objection to this on moral grounds.

He started chatting using the email feature on that board with women he found there. He always said "well, my W isn't interested but she is OK with me going ahead". He developed a particular email relationship with one woman in our state and they had agreed to a meeting but not set time or place when I discovered his account and confronted him thereby ending his activity.

Although he never actually had sex with anyone from that site, his email relationship with this one woman was absolutely an EA. He wooed her for a couple of months, having intimate conversations with her. Later, after my discovery I insisted on reading everything he had posted on the account. I then found out he had first accepted her invitation to the "pre-[censored]" interview ON OUR 21ST ANNIVERSARY while we were away on a special vacation I had arranged out of the country. He left me dressing for dinner on our anniversary to go down to the hotel lobby to use public-access internet to reply yes to her invite. Talk about a kick in the ole patootie to me! I'm still having a hard time over that.

I can't give you advice on what to do but I can say that I took this very seriously when I found it. I confronted my H that night. I insisted on open access to everything - cellphone, computer, email, financial records, etc. To my H's credit, he immediately ceased contact, turned off the profile which we later deleted together, has been totally transparent in his activities since.

But it has been hard on me. I immediately signed up for MC - I was planning to go alone if H wouldn't come but he agreed to join me. During the first session the MC asked me whether I considered this to be infidelity. I told the MC that I didn't know as that was a technical term but I certainly felt betrayed. Now, having done a lot of reading here and lots of books I completely agree it is infidelity. It doesn't matter that my H never laid a finger on anyone else (mainly because I found out in time) but the violation of the marriage relationship occurred.

Please find yourself a counselor to talk to. It truly helped me. We are recovering now and my H finally has seen how traumatized I was and am by this and is truly remorseful. We are working on our relationship with the help of our MC and the books and materials mentioned on this site. I highly recommend you read as much as you can. Start a journal to help you process your feelings. Go for non-contact. He can't even begin to start getting back in the marriage without first completely and totally breaking contact. My H knew the OW's email address off of AFF and knew she had a website. He agrees that he can NEVER go there bcause it is like one drink to an alcoholic.

Best wishes. I know how you feel.

thank you all again.

RookKev..I'm taking notes on what to say to him and running it through my head over and over. What you said is how I want to express it to him. I just hope I can do it calmly and without losing it. I'm more worried about his reaction of discovery and a big fight breaking out. I honestly feel embarrassed and bad for him...a small part of me wishes I didnt discover this.

Eaglesoar..thank you so much for sharing your experiance with me. I actually began shaking when I read your story and I'm so sorry you had to experiance this to. I feel so down right now...haven't eaten much in the last few days, cant sleep, cant concentrate and trying to maintain my sanity for my kids. My husband is away on buisness so I'm stuck here with all this sh*t inside of me(sorry for the expletive but I'm so knotted up). I have access to all of our credit accounts, banking, phone and of course his secret account...I'm checking them constantly and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

We talked last night on the phone and he knew something was wrong. I was cold and asked him..where did you go for dinner..who were you with and he got frustrated with 'all my questions.' He kept asking me 'why are you acting like this?' Through my tears I just kept telling him I was just very tired.

I keep trying to convince myself that maybe he was just curious...he didn't write anybody (yet)...he hasn't put anything questionable on the credit card...no suspicious phone calls...I'm obsessed with these damn accounts and I'm tormented. I almost feel guilty feeling like this because he hasn't had an affair..but I feel so betrayed.

I will continue to read and will being looking for a counselor. You also mentioned starting a journal...that might be good for all this bottled up emotion I'm holding onto. Once again thank you and best wishes to you as well.

It is very important you get in control of your emotions..

you have to step back and see the bigger picture..

what you are offering to him is NOT the denial and shame of his fantasy...
BUT a journey together to develope intimately and sexually...

you can not approach this as some wounded little thing...but lovingly with someone who has even a better idea than a threesome..

speak your love...

tell him how you can not even entertain the idea of a threesome because the idea of sharing him with anyone else breaks your heart...

tell him how you can not imagine becoming close enough to any other person to share with them what you share with him..

don't cry on the phone
don't be cold...

all of these wasted emotional dramas will distract him from the real issue...

will cause your boundary to be lost and seen not as an act of love but of control and defiance...

he can not help he feels this way...so you two must work towards fixing that....

powerstruggle
blame
be emotional and he will tune out your message of love....

ARK

I have written thing to my H when I felt that I could not talk with out exploding. I found it safer for me and he semed to respond better. It is Ok to question what he has done while away. Try to make it sound more like you are interested in what he has been doing.

hello Ark...Some of the things you said are very insightful and right and I agree..But some things you expressed I find unsettling. I am freshly wounded and my 'emotional dramas' are not calculated acts of manipulation...they are an honest part of how I feel...should I deny whats true? You stated 'he can not help he feels this way'...I can't help that I feel this way. At this very moment I'm not a divine creature filled with peace and loving thoughts and godlike testaments of love...I'm really pissed off! I'm really sad. I'm a red blooded emotional woman who just got struck in the heart with an inflicting wound..Why shouldn't my husband see pieces of this? I understand your meaning behind having an element of control and letting him know how much I love him and love 'us'...But, I will not..no, I cannot hold back every emotion that is with me now. I believe he MUST know there is pain that comes along with this.

Until his return I will write down my thoughts and I will do my best to gather up my emotions. Your right realtor, writting instead of outwardly expressing can be safer sometimes.

I'm really pissed off! I'm really sad.

I know you are..but the sadness in addressing this situation is more valuable to you than the anger...


I am freshly wounded and my 'emotional dramas' are not calculated acts of manipulation...they are an honest part of how I feel...should I deny whats true?

the problem with is if you approach this with pain and hurt...he will focus on your emotional reaction and run with it....

he will turn and use it on you...

imagine these communication blockers coming your way...

1. HE SAYS...SEE WE CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT THIS BECAUSE YOU JUST GET ALL EMOTIONAL AND START CRYING!!!!!!

2. HE SAYS...YOU JUST WANT TO CONTROL ME AND TELL WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. HE SAYS...I KNEW YOU'D GET ALL FREAKED OUT ABOUT THIS NOW I CAN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING WITHOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE

4. HE SAYS...I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING I WAS JUST LOOKING YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN NOT LOOK AT

do you see it hiddenhurt...you have opportunity to defuse all of his sidetracking tangents so that what is left is the act of his wanting to involve third parties in your marriage....and you not wanting to do so........the real issue is the damage it does to the marriage.......

you need to communicate the reasons why you don't want to do lovingly or else all he will hear is you're controling him or judging him or making him feel bad...

this is the either the start of a powerstruggle of never ending battlers..
OR
this is the start of open honest communication about sexual intimacy in your marriage....

this is not about your feelings....and i know that sounds foreign and strange....feelings are fleeting....

this is about sanctifying your marriage...
not battle lines drawn in the sand...

I'm not telling you not to speak your pain..but take that pain to higher level than just the sexual thrill he believes it is...

WS can't handle the raw pain of BS...it kills all commincation....causes withdrawal and wastes time in getting things discussed....this is not to deny their pain...but people can't handle pain...so they avoid it...

you need to strive to create an environment that this situation opens up paths of communication...
about the bigger picture of marriage
about the need to have you both be able to fullfill eachothers needs
etc...

I know it goes against all you believe you should do...
but there's a saying I like..

if you want to catch someones attention whisper...

also you may consider seeking church counsel on this...
and I don't know if any one has heard of

every man's battle...or newlife or something like that..but that might be a good resource..

ARK

I agree with Ark here 100%. As well as all the other fine posters. I believe when Ark said "he can't help the way he feels" she was referring in essence to what Act,Don't React said earlier. What man would not love to have a threesome not he is entitled to feel it is ok to have 3somes in reality or go on the internet pursuing it.

You had indicated that you two have been sexually explorative in your marriage. I am not blaming you because you apparantly have stated and restated this 3some boundary over time, but how much have you pushed the boundaries of conventional sexuality before?. It can be a slippery slope and you may have previously participated in a few borderline things willingly before. It sounds like you regret some of the things you've done but does he know that? Have you kept quiet because he seemed to enjoy it so much? Perhaps your husband's intention here was not an attempt to hurt you. IT WAS, NO DOUBT, UNDENIABLY WRONG to go on the internet and pursue this fantasy with or without your involvement. Just maybe it was a mistake (a big mistake but a forgivable mistake). My wife just made a bigger mistake and I've forgiven her.

Hypothetically...What if he had mentioned to you a month ago that he found this website (without registering) where he could find a threesome partner and asked you if you were interested...then you said "No bleeping way" and talked this issue out openly and honestly and he listened to you decided you were right AND NEVER WENT TO THE WEBSITE AGAIN. How upset would you be? The way I see it you have a communication problem more than a betrayal problem. There could be way more to it, like an underlying sexual disfunction or the groundwork for a serial cheater, but we don't have that information yet.

I am in no way trying to offend you and I could be dead wrong. I am not a counselor. Just trying to assist you with your dilema and ask questions with the little information we have been given. There is a saying on these board's that goes: "You can be right or you can be married". Emotional outbursts are not going to draw you closer to your husband. Give him a chance to do right by you and move his thinking to your position with constructive communication.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

"If you want to catch someones attention whisper"..ok that got me..now I'm crying again! (for the transpaency not sadness). I can see more of what your expressing. I could place him in 'attack' mode and all his defenses will be ignighted and weapons drawn...point understood. I dont want lines in the sand and I dont want to tread water..I just want to feel secure again (I hope thats even possible).

As I write all of this I'm nervous. I feel pressure to approach him the right way and not screw it up. I hope I have the strength to maintain my composure. Even if I stay calm and 'whisper' my thoughts he may still respond defensively and with anger...then what? I dont know what will be harder...revealing that 'I know' or restricting my negative emotions. I'm thankful I have time to sort this out before he comes home though.

I appreciate your help Ark..sorry if I came off defensively myself. You helped greatly.

What does everybody think about the idea that HH insert in the letter/email she's writing directing husband to this thread. What better way for him to understand how she feels and the emotions it has involved than for him to read this thread.

It may be something she brings up in the 2nd or 3rd conversation but it will get the point across nicely that it's not about what he did...it's about how HH feels about it and her desire for a better marriage.

He'd be free then to interject with his feelings on this thread and have the fine people here assist him with his thought process as he tries to figure out how to be a better husband and reconcile with HH.

Just a thought.

Mr. Wondering

Hidden Hurt:

I think all the advice that you have been given is on target and good advice. However, it concerned me when you talked about not being able to eat, sleep, etc. D-Day for me was only about three weeks ago. Although I had suspected for a long time that an A had happened, knowing for sure wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. In addition to seeing a MC, I also see a pyschiatrist by myself. She has given me some anti-depressants and some anxiety pills to help me relax and sleep. I can't say that the pain is not there anymore, but it takes the edge off and allows me to function daily and get good rest at night. Every day is a little better.