Post deleted by franco

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Is it possible that he is having an affair? Some of the signs are there.

He did create a relationship with someone from work and school. They shared a couple of lunches together and they did kiss. What sort of direction should I go in now?

I'm just curious how you guys met?

Did you guys live together prior to marriage?

Was there sex starting 7 years ago?

If a man can get free milk while the cow is not his responsibilty chances are when the cow is on his farm and he has to now work for it, he soon loses his desire and wants a new taste.

Another thought, why hunt for the wild game when it comes to you? It's in a man's nature to conquer which may have happened 8 years ago, feeling alive, now that you're married he may be trying to find it's purpose if there's no affair.

These are tough questions but this is the place of truth. There is WS verbage in what you wrote, excusing you to go off and be more happy stuff, you deserve better, etc.....What man in his right mind tells his wife to go get screwed by another man and he's ok with that! (geez).....

There's some signs of a rat thats about to give its stink..

Our post crossed earlier....but I would read everything on the MB site. It's not too late to fix your marriage. It will take work but it can be done. The key is finding the emotional needs your H is searching for. You already know affection is one, but you need to find the others. Good luck, others here can help you also..Keep posting.

Well we had a long talk last night and he said that he is done. He wants a divorce and there is no changing his mind. We went back and forth for a while and then I said yes I agree with you that we need to be apart. That is a good idea no matter what it leads to...whether it be reconciling or divorcing we need to seperate. He looked at me happily and said that it would be a good idea. That we could do that. And for the first time in a long time he had me sit on his lap while we researched a legal seperation and he kissed me several times. It felt good to have this happen. It feels as though he really needs to be alone for awhile and we can both think clearly. If there is a chance to save us it can only be done when I stop begging and ask him to do things he doesn't want to. I think this is a good step in the right direction.

Oh, franco, your last post makes me see red! I am so sorry. Where did this man get his heart? Yeah, he's getting just what he wants and now he's going to be lovey-dovey with the bride he is dumping, by having her sit in his lap and kiss on her while he researches the legal ins-and-outs of dumping her? I would have spit on him. You must love him a great deal.

I don't think spitting on him would make him want me or begging or sniveling. I have to be strong. I have to let him know I care about his needs. By even meeting me half way he met a need I asked for....a seperation is not dumping someone. And I wouldn't be on this site if I didn't love him a great deal. We are still going to work hard at this. But space is what he needs to gain a little perspective. I am a loving and open person at heart.

Yes, I know and you're 100% correct. I really would not have spit on him, but I would most certainly have told him to never touch me again after this unbelievably selfish heartless escapade. I know some gals who would have served him his manhood on a plate with sweet pickles! So he's a lucky man, though he doesn't know this. He will one day -- long after it is too late.

do not research separation and divorce with him, hire a lawyer tomorrow, and be the first to serve him for irreconcilable differences, and then have your attorney request a speedy solution and selling of the house.

otherwise, he is just playing with your mind, using manipulative tactics on you. . .

time to play tough, he is just a manipulator. . .

seriously, don't be manipulated, and you must be young wihout alot of dating experience not to be able to see these behaviors and motives. . .

then you might just see a different person. . .

wiftty

no one has been helpful at all. I am looking for hope. that is what the marriage builders is about. hence the word builder not destroyer. i still have hope for us...no one knows him better than i do....so please stop yelling at me about getting a divorce now. sometimes being too hasty leads to regret. maybe that is why everyone is too bitter. it seems we are reacting on emotion rather than what is really best. remember love is a decision not a feeling.

Oh Franco, I feel your pain. I was appauled at reading some of the responses you have gotten here. I can identify with your situation very closely. In fact, my husband sounds much like yours.

It saddens me when people jump in asking about affairs, and wondering why, why, why? Right now you need support. You need to know that your feelings are normal and ok to be having. You should follow your gut instincts and do what you think is right. If he is manipulating you then it will show in time. If he is being true, that will show in time as well. Time is ok to have, space is ok to have.

Please pm me if you want to chat further about this.

I don't mean to be a buzzkill here but....

I would bet your husband is having an affair. I completely support what your trying to do by meeting his needs (Plan A). His behavior is out of whack with just a sudden change of heart after a 8 yr. relationship.

I have been with my husband for 8 yrs, and when he was having his affair he acted the same way....I was in denial or just plain stupid not to see what was going on. Although my husband was extemely good at covering his tracks. I didn't find out about the affair until 6 months after it was over.

He would meet the OW for lunch at her place and they would IM each other all the time. There were no phone records ( he would use payphones). There were no hotels, gifts, trips, unexplained evenings ect....

It began when I noticed he was less affectionate and more distant than usual. After asking him numerous times if everything was ok, he eventually began saying he was no longer "in love with me". I was a great mother and wife, but that maybe he made a mistake in marrying me. He totally rewrote our history in the months that followed to the point I thought I was crazy. He started discussing divorce and finally we separated for 4 months because he wanted to. At that point I just wanted to go back to the way things were before all this drama and figured if separating would help than so be it.

At the end of our 4 month separation, he came clean.

We've been marriage building ever since:)

My point to all this .....is it doesn't hurt to know what your possibly up against. If you can read his email, check phone logs, or even hire a private detective.....it's worth knowing the truth.

Good Luck,

Rachel

"no one has been helpful at all. I am looking for hope. that is what the marriage builders is about. hence the word builder not destroyer."

Dear, I know you are huting and I empathize. If this is the way you feel. you are posting to the worng forum. This one is "Divorced/Divorcing" (notice the past and present tenses) and probably isn't appropriate for you. This forum is for those whose marriages are lost. Many people post here who are considering divorce and are often sternly asked to reconsider their alternatives. We haven't done that to you, since you aren't the one throwing your marriage away. But I and others have given you specific advice on some things that someone not wanting a divorce should do. I have to be honest with you, I do not see how marriage building is going to work in your case, since it takes two to make it work.

Sorry if you don't find the support you've received here helpful, but give people a break. There's really nothing anyone can do here to help you other than acknowledge your pain and give you advice on recovery. We cannot give you hope. If all you have said is true, all hope for your marriage lies with your husband and it is apparent he is finished. We will not and should not give you false hope. Several people here reacted with anger at your husband's horrific behavior, but I don't see any bitterness.

Perhaps one of the other forums would be more helpful to you, since the people who post in them are struggling with issues similar to yours.

There is hope, but you should listen to the people that are suggesting an affair. He kissed another woman. He wants to seperate to think. I fell for the same lines from my ww. She was very happy when a marriage counselor suggested a seperation because it made it easier for her to continue her love affair without me in the way.She even drew up our legal seperation papers and emailed me with a very positive tone about it (similiar to your kissing). WS love it when they get exactly what they want. Mine wanted to cake eat. Once I decided to not let her ckae eat she wanted a divorce. I know from experience that you should listen. Ididn't because I thought the same way. I know my ww better than anyone. Your wh is not that same person if he is having an affair. Check up on it, even if you find what you don't want to know or he will use you as long as he can get away with it.
As I said , there is hope but be realistic you deserve to know the truth.

People may have said to check with a lawyer to protect yourself financially.
Don't make it easy for him. You can have a lawyer work up a separation agreement denoting who pays what, and how long the separation will last.
Otherwise, he will have his cake and eat it too.