Can somebody please help me?

I recently took Dr Harvey's EMOTIONAL NEEDS questionaire and find out that my overriding need is physical attractiveness and sex. I know, I know. I don't mean to be superficial or shallow, but like Dr. Harvey says, you can't control what your needs are. I do hate the fact that came out as my results however.

My problem is this:

I have been married for five years and I currently in the withdrawal stage. I realize now that I was in conflict and I went about it all wrong in trying to get my wife to help me with the sexual stuff I wanted. That is a whole seperate story however.

The situation is that I have never been physically attracted to my wife. I fell in love with her for her beautiful personality, the deep friendship, and our LOOOONG history. I have known her since high school. However, I am now 30 years old and I no longer feel attracted to her at all. I love her to death and I don't want to end it to go have sex with some shallow hottie, but this is seriously affecting my relationship with my wife.

I didn't understand any of this until reading Dr. Harvey's book, but I am in withdrawal and I have been presented an opportunity with a woman whom I have come to know, who is very attractive to me, has told me in detail her desires for me and what she wants to do in bed....I am finding it hard to resist. I have since broken off all contact with this woman and have decided to seek help as I WANT MY MARRIAGE TO WORK. I love my wife and want to stay with her, but how can I when I feel nothing towards her now???

I am reluctant to practice the "POLICY OF RADICAL HONESTY" because quite frankly, there is nothing my wife can do to change her appearance that would make me attracted to her. I am attracted to women who are really slim with long legs and lithe bodys. My wife, even if she did lose 15-20 pounds (she is not overweight by any means) would still not please me. It's not something losing weight or wearing make up will solve. She's just simply not my type. I married her for her beauty inside and I am desperately trying to focus on that, but my EMTIONAL NEEDS are tearing me apart. How do I compensate for this??

It seems stupid to tell the person I love most in the world that I don't find her attractive, probably never will, break her heart and hurt her deeply, when it won't solve anything. There is nothing like this I have read in the books or online.

HELP ME!!!! PLEASE! Has anybody else experienced this????

I feel like I am caught in a Catch-22.

Hmmmm. Welcome. I would believe your story, if there wasn't another woman involved. When that happens, the whole story changes.

You are in what we call the fog. You are not thinking right, due to the influence of this other woman.

I advise you to have no contact ever again with the other woman. If you are unable to do that, let your wife know how you feel, and give her the chance to divorce you.

Thanks for the reply BELIEVER, but in my post you will note in the third or fourth paragraph that I HAVE BROKEN OFF CONTACT WITH THE OTHER WOMAN.

Not to be rude, but I think your analysis of me being in some kind of fog was rather hasty. I was expecting some help from this post, not a snap judgement.

Trust me, I don't want to be in this situation. On the contrary to your opinion of me being in a fog, I think I am being rather mature and smart about this whole thing. I am just looking for somebody who has been through this before or knows what I can do.

I have been very impressed with Dr. Harveys insights on things I am so glad I found this site and have read his book. Unfortunately, I haven't anything that deals with what I am going through.

Europe,

This board is all about saving marriages. If you read any number of the posts you will see that many of us are dealing with situations very similar to your own, just from the other side of the coin as your wife would view it. Believer has helped many folks on here and wouldn't steer you down the wrong path.

Having said that, how long has it been since you ended contact with the OW? Don't you think that there would be a time where you'd grieve for what might have been? Don't underestimate your feelings for the OW. They can be very powerful and do take time to go away. It's during this period that you are considered to be in the "fog".

It's obvious that you care very much for your wife and I can respect that. The people on these boards have seen a lot of different situations, give them a chance. They might just surprise you.

I'm sure some experts will be along soon to help you.

If you have read the Harley's stuff, you should know that most of the articles talk about EXACTLY what you are going through.

The OW represents a fantasy lover. Your wife will never be able to compete with that.

I am curious though, why would a married man agree to let some skank tell him all about what she would like to do to him in bed?

europe - listen to me - my exWH had not noticed that I had lost 60lbs when he was in his FOG. It took someone to ask him if I had cancer to make him actually see what I looked like. Give it time like believer says -she is a great advicer. Listen to her. Call SH and make an appointment. When Om began hitting on me in front of WH -he woke up. It takes time to come out of this fog. Withdrawal does take time .

Europe, in a few weeks when you have finished going through withdrawl (provided you stick with NC) you will wince at the above quote from yourself. You know why? Right now you are justifying your wanting to cheat and your EA with this OW. Yes...you heard me an Emotional Affair.

You married your W, so you must have been attracted to her but you are rewritting your marital history just as ALL WS's do.

Please confess to your W what you have done, write a NC letter to OW, have your W read and approve it and send it together. Be open, honest and transparent with everything in your M and get a good pro M MC.

Keep reading and posting here. We can help you through this.

Your post is confusing..with these little red flags tucked here and there...

that are quickly glossed over by you....

here are the red flags...

have been presented an opportunity with a woman whom I have come to know, who is very attractive to me, has told me in detail her desires for me and what she wants to do in bed...

just in this statement alone there are lots of little warning flags going off...

lets just say that it is rare that a person that has not had any type of emotional interaction with a person would out of the clear deep blue approach a married man and disclose in your own words in detail what they would do with such person in bed...

that's a pretty rare occurance that a stranger would risk in detail such an interaction....

is it more along the lines that you and this OW engaged in multiple interactions that built up to the disclosure...

in other words........ flirting
in other crossing safe boundaries with your wife and disclosing to this person personal info that one usually does not share with someone outside of a marriage... ....
expending thought and energy on this other person and creation of a very very close friendship??

in other words...an emotional affair.

because the next red flag is that as soon as she discloses all this stuff she wants to do with you...
you suddenly have no feelings for her now HER being your wife............

I realize now that I was in conflict and I went about it all wrong in trying to get my wife to help me with the sexual stuff I wanted. That is a whole seperate story however.

this statement also is a huge red flag.......
what exactly are you saying here ...
about the intimate relationship between you and your wife..that pre-emotional disclosure of sex offer from unknown woman..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> you and wife were or had already had some issues in the sex department....??
it's not the occurance of this that is a red flag necessary...
it is your dismissal of this occurance...

I'm going to bump a story for you if I can find it....

you say you love your wife...
yet
your actions are not loving....
and therefor
the conflict is not with your wife's appearance...but is perhaps with you.....

ARK

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
You are still in recovery from the other woman. Direct your wife to these marriage boards.
One of the common traits of the w/s is the ability to rewrite history, discount the marriage and the feelings one has for the betrayed spouse.
Give yourself time to recover from the affair.
From the worlds perspective, my husband is not the best looking man, but in my eyes, he is totally handsome. I love every wrinkle, bulge, scar and imperfection. I love his body because of who he is.
I am sure that you would have never married your wife in the first place if her looks grossed you out.
What I am trying to say, is that when you are totally over the o/w, your perception of her body will change back to what it was before the affair.
I once had a friend that was so beautiful on the outside, just like a present wrapped in beautiful paper and ribbon, but when you got to know her, inside was a ugly shriveled up person.
Beauty is, indeed, in the eye of the beholder.

Wow, THANK YOU all for all of the advice. I wish I would have found this site sooner. It so good to hear all of this and make me see things for what they are. I didn't mean to sound so brash at Believer's first reply. I can definitely see that maybe it takes time to get over the EMTIONAL AFFAIR (yes, I would agree with the other poster that is what I was committing).

Just to clarify some things:

Yes, this woman that I had the emotional affair with was a long time friend. We shared many stories together over a long period of time and yes, I guess I built up a relationship with her than went much beyond friends. JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAID IT WOULD GO! I did indeed hold begin holding my wife up to a standard she could NEVER live up to. I admit that readily. It was when things were going to get physical that I had to step back and reassess things. I didn't want to become one of THOSE kinds of people and hurt the woman I love, the woman who loves me.

To clarify the other subject a poster brought up. YES, there was a lot of conflict over the life of our marriage and pre-marriage about sex. I have never really had another partner other than my wife and I have had urgres to explore different positions, different toys, more creativity in bed. I have brought this up many times to my wife. We have a big blowup once a year in regard to this. After reading the book by Harvey I realize that I went about everything all WRONG. In retrospect I wasn't very nice about the way I approached things. Again, I have never considered my wife a KNOCK OUT and but she has other qualities that more than make up the lack of attractiveness. I think it's this lack of physical attractiveness and lack of compatibility in bed that have made me uninterested in our marriage.

Back to the friend then: we started talking about relationships and sex came up and one thing lead to another until I was telling her about things I have never told anybody else except my wife. This girl is NOT a skank. She has been a good friend of mine for over seven years! I have always found her attractive but it wasn't until she expressed her feelings for me and started coming on to me that I had feelings of really wanting to take it further. This girl has ALWAYS been free and comfortable with her body, she wears sexy (okay the appropriate word is probably smart) clothes in a professional environment. I like that she shows some leg, wears sexy shoes, wears tight blouses and nice suits. She is NOT a skank. I resent that a poster has referred to her as that when they don't even know her. I am well aware of her past "endeavors" with other men and it wasn't until a few months ago when she expressed interest in me that I started wanting her as well. I mean, I have always thought it would be great to have sex with Kelli (not her real name) and I have been attracted to her, but now that the very real possibility exists I am scared.

Again, I have CUT OFF CONTACT WITH HER and I have no intention of pursuing this further, but it does make me wonder why I can't. The TAKER in me (straight out of the book) says "DO IT, go out and live a little, experience new and different things, maybe there is someone better out there. After all I have no experience other than my wife".

I hope that helps. Again, sorry for the confusion and snotty repsonse to Believer, I didn't mean it to sound that way! Also, I may have some problems iwth the abbreviations. I understand OM/W=other man/woman, but some of the other stuff may be lost on me. Sorry....

I guess I can boil it down to me becoming VERY curious what it would be like with other women? I am beginning to have opportunities, maybe begin to seek out opportunities with other women because I am not happy at home?

I know. I am a freak but I just want to understand why I would do this or why I feel this way when the last person on Earth I would want to hurt is my wife....

europe...you are not a freak just a little misguided and a little lost ...

sex feels really really good..there is no mystery to that....
and no one would argue that with you.......

and the greatest goal is sharing that gift of sexuality with your spouse with all the bells and whistles imaginable...

curiousity is satiated in this circumstance...not by seeking out there...for out there is endless chaos and endless emptiness of searching for the next thrill..or experience....
and laying waste to those that you use in the process..

it is a route without honor....

it sounds like you have some damage to repair at home based on your OLD...communication style of your wants and needs

it sounds like you have damage to repair at home based on your recent turning away from your spouse...

for you aren't even really seeking anything out there except to escape the damage you've already done at home...and glorify it and call it something different...

and it sounds like you are human.....

I for one appreciate your fortitude to face what people were telling you....and see yourself ..
that is a huge huge step...
and many people are scared off....not because of what we say....or even how we say it..but because they can't face who they are..

ARK

Both ... you have ENs that is not filled then you found someone that might.

You are not a freak. You just forgot all the reason why you married your W in the first place.

Physical Attractiveness is not only about weight/look ... it is about your view of her. Beside, with a make over, any one could be transform into different look.

Let it rest and fully withdrawn from OW before you start working on your M.

-rh-

Europe:

First, welcome. You are one smart guy--you identified that you have a problem and you went looking for help. There are lots of FWSs (former wayward spouses) like me who wish we did what you are doing.

Calm down, take a deep breath--what you are going through is not unusual.

Here is what you are doing: You have a desire for a different sex partner. If all men who had a fantasy of sex with someone other than their Ws were damned, ****** would be fuller than it already it.

BUT, you have obsessed over this desire until it has clouded your thinking. You had an EA (an emotional affair). An EA can be as bad as a PA (physical affair). It sounds like you became somewhat dependent upon OW (other woman). So, let's review "the facts":

Your M (which includes your W, your kids and your lifestyle) is meeting 99.5% of your needs. What you are thinking about most of the time is that .5% that aren't being met. Think for what it would be like without her, To think about this in reverse, consider how you feel now, and then multiply it by 100 to get to how bad you would feel without your W. Pretty scary, eh?

Be very clear about this: If you leave your W, you lose all that history with her. If you [censored] the OW, there is no going back. If you think what you are going through is misery now, you have an A, and you misery will grow exponentially.

About your feelings for your W: Your feelings change about your W over the course of a M. You feelings change from the "white hot love" of newlyweds to something much deeper and richer. That is kind of what is happening to you. All you know is that the feelings "aren't the same as they were"--no, they aren't. But they are much, much better.

(I'm going to get all elderly and wise on your a**:)

Lots of very good and very bad stuff will happen during your life. At 30, you are going to start hitting some of it You are going to have kids; friends and family die; careers change; your hair starts falling out; you are going to get sick; and you can't get rid of that extra fat around the middle, etc. To experience life in all of its deep hues and complexities, you need someone who you can trust with your life. You've got someone now--and, you may never find anyone like that again. If you lose her, you will lose more than you can imagine.

Right after my A ended, I became very, very ill. I was literally on the floor screaming in pain. Who was there for me every second? My W. Someone would have had to shoot her to stop her from helping me. She was by my side for the entire ordeal. That is the kind of commitment and love you need, not some freaking one night stand with a two-bit wh*re.

For the record, it isn't an EN to pork a woman with a particular kind of body. An EN is a need for love, trust, etc.

Right now, you are simply infatuated with OW. We call this "the fog", because is clouds a person's ability to reason. How do we know you're in "the fog"? Easy--you said the magic words: "I love my W, but I don't love her." If I had a dime for every time that was said, I would be a billionaire.

How do you get rid of "the fog"? By not contacting (NC) the OW. If you stay away from her, you will find that you will slowly regain your footing.

You do have problems with your W and your M. You need to talk to her about them. I understand you are reluctant to directly talk to your W about this. You should, however. She is your best friend in this world, and she can help you. You also owe it to her.

What specific things can you do *RIGHT NOW*? Go on a marriage retreat with her. Lots of churches have them. It will do wonders for your relationship with her. When was the last time you and her went away "alone" for a weekend? Discover who she is and who you are. Enjoy each other.

Things will get better; you will get through this.

Wow, JimmyMac - that was a really nice post. Thanks for helping out.

No kidding believer...what a powerful post!!

Do you think your wife would be hurt if she read your posts and you feeling for OM? My guess is yes. So while she may be the last person that you want to hurt, you are still hurting her. She just isn't aware of it.

You are going to have to learn that people are not going to refer to the OW on this board as "your good friend" or a "nice person." Someone who is truly a good friend would not talk to a married man about what they would do in bed. I was once where you are, so I can understand how you would be upset when someone calles the OW a skank. I would have defended the OM if someone called him ... well, whatever the male equivalent to skank is. But you have to realize she is a woman who is ought to destroy your M. I don't want to say that she is a bad person, because I am a firm believer in "hate the sin, not the sinner" ... but I have yet to see any good qualities in her. And please don't try and tell me what they are, because no one here wants to hear that. I may sound harsh, but harsh is what you need. As a former FWS, I know it's hard, but it's what you need.

Keep that curiousity to yourself! You are beginning to have opportunities??? Are these the kind of women that you would want to be with? Women who are preying on a confused man's insecurities. If you aren't happy at home, then you need to figure out how you CAN be happy, and I can promise you, seeking out opportunities with other woman might give you temporary "hapiness" but it will be devastating in the long run.

And the abbreviations will take a while to understand. I still get a little confused. Somewhere out there, there is a thread that lists all of the abbreviations. Now if I could just find it!

Europe

The nice thing about fantasies is how easy they are to control. In the fantasy, you and the right-shaped woman have hot sex, and she asks for nothing but the pleasure of your wonderful body....

The bad thing about As is how hard they are to control. Somehow, the fantasy goes wrong. Every single time.

So perhaps it's time you made yourself face some hard facts. Take the fantasy to its logical conclusion.

Here is an unattractive truth. No woman makes a pass at a married man because she's horny. Women don't work the same as men. A woman makes a play for a married man because she wants something from him - and if you think the thing she wants is in your pants, you really need to wise up. Whatever she tells herself and you, what she wants is an emotional connection, and if it was a healthy emotional connection she desired, she'd choose a healthy man - someone who was honest, reliable and AVAILABLE. So she wants an emotional connection with guaranteed problems and drama.

No-strings sex is NOT what she's offering, you get it?

So once you start an A, you embark on a relationship. It's a warped, diseased relationship, built on guilt, greed and lies, but it's a relationship all the same. Expectation, hurt feelings, sulks and disillusionments, just like marriage. All that carefree 'friendship' is hard to keep up when you're irritated with each other for forgetting the motel money and have got past the thrill of Another Person's Underwear. Sex deepens a relationship; you can't keep things casual.

So either you stretch your life across two unsatisfactory relationships, or you dump the OW. But the OW will have the weapons to destroy your marriage - so can you safely dump her? Do you think the kind of woman who would [censored] another woman's husband would baulk at informing the wife of the fact?

So if you want to fulfill your fantasy of multiple sex partners, you are either going to have to pay professionals, or ensure you have no vulnerable areas (ie wife and children) to be blackmailed with, or resign yourself to the stress of multiple relationships.

Europe, my H has lived your fantasy. He has tried just about all of the above, for nearly twenty years. He thought there was some kind of sexual nirvana, that he'd get to if he kept trying. He has had probably HUNDREDS of sexual partners.

It has not made him a happy man. His biggest regret is that he will look back at the end of his life and see a man who has shamed himself and inflicted devastating pain on vulnerable people.

A minute in the c*nt, a lifetime on the conscience. Does it seem worth it?

Hi, europe.

If you will give up the other woman, and emotionally invest in your wife to the same level that you have invested in this other woman, not only will you find yourself madly in love with your wife, but you will find that your desire for her not only returns, but with a bang.

Sex between two emotionally invested people is fireworks level stuff.

Unfortunately, it happens all too often in affairs. As a result, the infidels think they have happened upon the secrets of the universe and have become the only people on the planet to have experienced passion with such amplitude. What they don't understand is just how common their relationship is. Any married couple can have the equivalent or better in their relationship, guiltless and damage free.

My wife and I have been married almost 30 years now. We have a mighty satisfying sex life. Daily. It is because we are emotionally invested in each other. I can tell you this, the best sex you will ever have on a consistent basis, is when the two of you work at your relationship on an ongoing basis.

All you have to do is make the right choices, Europe.

Gimble

Jimmy Mac,
I wish you would talk to my husband......
this guy sounds just like him, and your words would be perfect.
Maybe one day he will come and look at this board too for advice!!!