Hi Iam a WS and I have been married for 17yrs. I got married young to my HS sweetheart and had a kid a year later. I loved him very much until about 2-3 years ago when some of his behaviours started to annoy me and when I asked him to change he would not respond. It got to a point and including financial problems that we started to drift apart and things started getting bad.
At that time I met this guy who owned a business and we satrted talking to each other. We got really close and we talked about my problems and he was also having marital problems at that time. So we had a common subject which got us even closer. We met for lunches and would talk on the phone for hours. I felt like he him and I were so compatible in every thing we did and said. Ofcourse I felt very much in love with him and a day didn't go by that I wasn't talking to him. A few months ago he moved out of State but we were still talking and we even got closer since he moved. Emotionally and with my heart I was thinking about spending my life with this guy. We have talked about so many things and how we were gonna live togather. We both were thinking about the same things and emotionally we both were very attached to each other.
Three weeks ago my H found out by all the phone calls I had made to him. That week he was coming back here and we were supposed to get togather and plan on how we will move on with our lives. He was delayed in getting back and in the meantime my H and I had talks and I asked him if he was willing to give me another chance. He said he will and he has been trying every possible way to provide me with emotional support, love and care and being there for me. He has been very patient, supportive and loving and this seems to be a totally different person that I knew. He is changing his ways and has been there for me all this time giving me hope for our M. He has asked me to be honest with him and not contact this OM. Unfortunatley I have been calling and talking to him inspite of all this. At this point I feel that that I cannot let him go and the OM is to a point where he is saying he cannot imagine a life without me. We both love each other very much and have really gotten too far in our relationship.
I would appreciate your comments and any advice that will help me get over this.
Thanks.

I think it is wonderful that you H is being so patient, but if he asked you for NC with OM, then you need to respect that. I would suggest that you Surviving an Affair to understand the dynamics of an A. What you have with OM is "romantic love" because you have given him the opportunity to make massive deposits into your love bank while your H's annoying habits (a LB) were making massive withdrawals. But what you feel for OM is not real love.

The fact that you are here is commendable. But you need to make sure that you listen to the advice of BS and WS. I can tell you from experience that you are on the path to destruction if you keep talking to OM.

All of Harley's books are great, and if it is possible, I would recommend counseling with Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers.

There are people here that would like to help you. But the first thing you need to do is cut off all contact with OM. There are a lot of great suggestions on how to write a NC letter here on this board.

Call me curious.

Did you have a physical relationship or just one based on emotions? Please understand that nither is appropriate. I ask this in order to provide specific direction based on my own experiences and those who are here who have helped me and will share with you as well.

It seems to me that you have doubts in the back of your mind - thus the questions.

It seems to me that you see a different person in your husband, someone with whom you have invested 17 years of your life - and someone who wants you forever according to how he is acting.

It seems to me that what you have with the OM is an infatuation, not love, although women WILL call it love because that is the only way you have to justify how you feel; there is a tendancy for women to reject the concept of infatuation even though it is - and infatuations DO NOT last.

It seems to me that you see a whole new person in your husband and that you likely had an OK marriage - just not a great one and you are beginning to wake up and see the potential there.

How many children do you have and what are their ages. Do you see a risk to their mental well being if you go with the OM?

Do you understand that you are following a script? Do you understand that the path you are taking is exactly the same one that every woman takes during a common, ordinary affair?

This isn't the star crossed love of the century - it is a sordid affair - adultery - and as it wears off, the emotional hit on you and everyone else will be catastrophic.

In other words, as the WW here will tell you - you are saying and doing exactly the same things they did when they were in the FOG. Do you understand that you are in a FOG and cannot think and act rationally?

Do you understand that this infatuation is all about YOU and not about the OM no matter how much you project on him that you want to see?

Do you understand that the OM is doing exactly the same thing - FOG based statements and promises and projected feelings? Do you really trust him - somehow, I doubt it?

Do you understand that as the infatuation wears off, you will find yourself in a heck of a pickle? In other words, you may end up holding the bag for a total emotional disaster that effects not only you, but the OM, your husband and your children (if any)?

Do you understand that your husband, someone who has just had his heart ripped out of his chest while he still lives, is showing you what kind of a person her really is by the way he is attempting to show you love and understanding?

Do you understand that the OM is a person who will cheat on his wife and may or may not be committing adultery? Sure that means you have to face your own flaws - but do two flaws make a whole? If you were to get with him - did you know that less than 5% of such relationships make it?

Do you understand that you really ARE in a FOG and that you need help. Well of course you do - that is why you are here.

I am just asking questions. The answers are your own. Yes I understand what you are going through. I also understand your husband - I was him a couple of months ago.

Let me tell you what my own wife told me lately:

She said I saved her. When she started waking up from the FOG, she was horrified. She was shamed. She was remorseful and terrified. I was there for her. I showed her what I was made of and how deep the feelings ran in my heart for her - kinda like your husband is showing you.

Now compare what your husband is doing for you with what the OM is doing to his wife. Is the later the kind of many you want and need - really?

Wake up and smell the roses dear. What you are going through is partly your husband's fault - he trusted you too much and probably wasn't dealing with your current mental situation very well - BUT - he is likely the better man.

Your husband has had the emotional equivilent of having one of his children killed in front of him. Yet he is standing by you and trying to help you.

Please wake up before it is too late, please.

And the first thing you have to do is NO CONTACT for life, starting RIGHT NOW. Then read everything you can find on this site.

Please understand that the true foundation for love is trust - now who do you trust, the OM, who is trying to break up his own marriage and yours, or your husband, who is trying to save you and his famkly?

Don't trust yourself, your mind is a mess right now. You are not capable of straight, logical thinking or even thinking based on true emotions. You are a mess. But I bet you can think of one thing - who do you trust?

I wish you well.

Thank yu very much for the feedback. I have two kids that are teenagers, and ofcourse that is why I am still with my H at home. Its the kids and their well being that has made me not leave. What my H is doing is amazing and I just don't know how he is getting his strengh and patience. You have asked me if I had physical contact with this OM. To some extent, I have but nothing major. We were not going to just move away and live somewhere. He had planned that we would get married first(ceremonial) before anything else. The hardest thing is that we had talked so much about life and being togather and what and how we will take care of the kids that everything was falling into place. Its hard the last few times I have talked to him, we still feel the same. I very much care for my family very much but I care as much for this OM as well and right now I am very confused. I realize what my H is doing for me and it just breaks my heart to see him go thru this pain and at the same time I can't let go of my feelings for this OM. I have been reading forums from this site and listening to my H talk about things he has been reading and its still not clearing up my mind.
I will continue to read and any posts would be very helpfull. Thanks much.

I can only echo that you are in a fog. The fact that your relationship with the OM became more intense when he went away tells me he does not really feel confortable with intimacy, real intimacy. To do that, you would have to be together in the same space while talking.

He's in the fog too. Another word for it is French: follie a deux It means that two people are sharing the same illusion. People who come here to heal their marriages are going to give it to you straight.

Right now your husband is the true knight in shining armor. He is fighting to save your family. The only way to give him a chance is to Completely sever all contact with the OM. You are sitting on the fence right now. Jump off and back into your own yard, write the OM a No Contact letter, get your husband's input on it, revise it according to what your H says, and the two of you mail it.

Then set up safeguards against any contact with the OM. No Contact. Not even the most innocent, virtuous, innocuous, accidental contact. Not even if it means saving the world from an alien invasion. Got it?

Please listen to me. I just said goodbye to our son as he got into his Dad's car to go to his Dad's apartment to do his homework and have dinner. That's why I have the time to type to you. I filed for divorce and served my H after his years-long EA. Couldn't take it any more.

When he goes into his apartment, he has to start cooking dinner. Then they eat and my H goes over our son's math homework, chemistry, English. Then my H has to drive our son back home, return and do the dishes. Very differnet from our life together.

He would sail in at any hour, 9, 9:30, dinner was on the table for him, and our son either ate a late supper with us or I had fed him earlier. I cleaned the table, did the dishes, they did the homework. His underwear was clean and folded in his bureau. He didn't have to grocery shop. He had double the money he has now. ANd his family didn't have to live with our sad news.

You think you want to leave right now. I believe you truly do think you love this other man. And that you really really do want to marry him, start a new life. Once you do that, move in with him, get the marriage license (oh, I'm ahead of myself. First you need to get the divorce.) That's when you pass through a filmy barrier out of dreamworld into real life. Like going through a bubble.

Your infatuation won't be enough to keep you together. Hard reality will begain hitting you once you slip through that thin layer. You are addicted to the guy. He is crack cocaine. Let your husband help you through this.

Thanks much. I am trying very hard and inputs like yours will certainly help. The thing is I would have felt in me that this OM is all talk and fake and all that but thats not how I feel about him. He has been there and a lot of times I tell my H that him and the OM sound so much the same in the things they both say. I know I have seen the good side of the OM and maybe not so much of the bads, but I still feel his love is not just a show to get me. I never knew men cried so much and I have seen my H and this OM do that too many times...and I'm just sitting there looking not knowing what to say. I'm just putting down my feelings as they are coming and I hope to get more from my fellow peers that visit this site. Thanks again.

Great! Your H and OM are alike, except you have not seen the bad side of OM. Here are the facts and my question...

Given -- Tina20's H and OM are alike
Given -- Tina20 has not seen much of the OM's bad side
Given -- Tina20 has 17 years invested with H
Given -- Tina20 has 2 children with H

Question -- Why would Tina20 choose the unknown over the known when her H and OM are alike.

Answer -- She is blinded by her infatuation ("love") with OM and does not realize AT ALL that she is walking the plank with a blindfold firmly attached.

There really can't be another reason, can there?

Please, get out now while you are still rational enough to question what you are doing. You will get this advice in spades...listen to it -- you will be thankful later.

Todd

edited to add:

I think you know this is total baloney. If you were able to hide what you were doing to your H all this time, do you honestly believe the OM could not be hiding things from you without you "feeling" it? Wake up!

There are so many great opinions out there and I would like to thank everyone for posting their views. From what I've been reading and listening, seems to me that I am in a deep fog.I am trying to get out of it and that is why I asked for help. I never thought that something like this would be so hard to get out of. It's very painful but its the only way to do it.

I think the biggest question to ask is,
"Does a great man get involved with a married woman?"

The answer is always no. Doesn't matter if their marriage is considered "happy" or not. Doesn't matter if it happens by 'accident'
A great man doesn't let an 'accident' like that happen.

Are people perfect? Absolutely not. We all make mistakes.
However, how we handle those mistakes, and set things right is what really defines who and what we each are.