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I really need some advice/help. We've been married 4 years but together 11. 1 child, a baby D. H had been acting distant for about a week, and when I asked him about it on 9/4, he dropped the bomb, took off his ring and walked out. Went straight to a female friend's house, which is where he's still staying.
I don't know what to do. I am so heartbroken, as I thought we had the perfect life together. It's so lonely with just DD and me at home. Sometimes I just look at her and cry, thinking about the complicated life she will have to live if this comes to pass and wondering what kind of person can leave his wife and daughter like this.
I want my marriage and family, but he is deadset on the big D. He's said he's no longer attracted to me, that I can't make him happy. He actually said being away from us will make him a better father! He has said such hurtful things to me and seems to be very angry at me, which is so confusing as I had no idea anything was this wrong. We've seen each other every few days because he comes to visit DD. Kills me everytime. I'm trying to use divorce busting techniques, but I'm feeling really lost.
I don't want to make it too easy for him to walk away from our family. It looks very suspicious. Perhaps an EA if not PA... He denies everything of course, but check out the evidence: He got her a job at his company, is always spending weekend days helping her with stuff, and they talk on the phone 5-6 times a day (on the way home from work, at night after I go to bed, etc). She even lived with us for a few weeks when she got the job and was looking for an apt. I feel doubly betrayed because she's supposedly my friend, too. The whole thing makes me sick. My b-day was last week, and neither one of them even called me.
We go to our first counseling session tonight. I want to work things out, but he only wants to go so we can be civil for DD's sake and be good parents. Any advice?
Last edited by SadMommy05; 11/05/05 08:05 PM.
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Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be. When you go to counseling tonight, please let the counselor know that your husband is having an affair. That is what is happening. I'm sure it is a physical affair by now.
He will be angry and deny it, but that is what is happening.
Start reading all about Plan A. That is your starting point.
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Dear Sadmommy, I am so sorry for your situation. You will find so many great tips here. From what you say, it does sound like at least a EA with a good possiblity of a PA. Wandering husbands are compared to aliens. They act totally out of character, rewrite history, leave betrayed spouses with the explanations like, I need space to think, I love you but am not in love with you and haven't been for years, they go from being loving husbands or wifes to being liars who will look you straight in the eyes and lie through their teeth. They are selfish, and do not think of how their actions are causing the spouse to experience the most painful times of their lives. Some leave not only their wifes but their children as well. Some will sacrifice everything for their dirty little affair. The good news for you is that you have found this board and marriage builders principles. You will get great advice here. Hang in there, your marriage still has hope as long as you do.
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46 Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005 28 years of marriage DD 26, DS 24 O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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I am so sorry this has happened. It is heart breaking for you. How long have you known this OW? Have you told his parents, sisters or brothers yet? I would exposure is the best. Where does he work? This must have been going on for awhile, were you not suspicous? I am glad you are going to MC that is a good start. Find out if this MC is pro marriage. Read everything you can on this site. Keep the house clean and fix yourself up nice. Do you have family around?
married 21 Together 26 - OW 2yrs, he worked with her and found secret e-mail account.The first cut is the deepest. just found out H is a serial cheater - total cut to pieces now- saw a D lawyer today.
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He got her a job at his company a couple months ago, and she lived at our house while relocating to town. We have known her for 3 years. Met as neighbors. Through the years, I have been a little jealous at times of the time he spends with her and talking to her, but I haven't said much because I didn't want to be accused of not trusting him. Plus, many of his friends have relocated, and she was really his only friend in town for a while.
I have told friends the facts that I know. Plus, FIL called me to ask how I was doing, so I told him where H was. THey didn't know. FIL called H after that and talked to him for a while. I'm guessing H probably denied it to him, too.
I spoke with MC on the phone when I made the appointment, and she seemed very promarriage, but we'll just have to see.
Actually, I don't have much family around. A couple siblings about an hour away, but everyone else is out of state. H's family has been my family for years.
Thank you for the support. I have a feeling I'm going to need it!
Last edited by SadMommy05; 09/21/05 04:13 PM.
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Ok - if he has moved out already this probably has been ongoing for sometime. Are you prepared to hear this? When things come up in MC listen and do not react. You will be in shock but must be steady. No LB's -love busters- if you want him back. It is ok to say things to him however do not try to hurt him. You will be angry - make a journal. Have you read about the FOG yet. It is really weird when they are in an A they talk like an alien, someone you never knew before. Tehy say things that are weird. mine blamed me for things that happened in our life that I was not responsible for. Some WS blame their S for what they are doing themselves. Others accuse their S for being neglectful of their needs. Maybe with the baby you have not been fufilling his needs. Read the section on HN/Hn buy the book. It will help you so much. Make yourself look great everyday. This is a war you are in for your H and M. Arm yourself with the knowledge you will get here. It will not hurt even if your M does not survive. Some do not. Not being negative here but the truth is the truth. Does this OW have family you can tell about her A with your H? Exposure is the first step in ending an A. You also need to be careful who you expose to as some people can make things worse. I did not tell my H family as they are all real fruit cakes and would have caused more problems for me. Take care of you and your baby for now. Do not let your H take your child around OW at anytime. Sometimes after they are together the WS will find out that what they got is not what they wanted and will turn around and want to come home.
married 21 Together 26 - OW 2yrs, he worked with her and found secret e-mail account.The first cut is the deepest. just found out H is a serial cheater - total cut to pieces now- saw a D lawyer today.
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OK, my Wh left me when I had two little ones under two. It is draining.
Seriously go on anti-depressants. Talk to your docotor to find out which are the best ones if you are still breastfeeding. I wish I had gone on them earlier but I waited and waited and waited. I waited for more than a year. "I didn't need them." Well, I may not have needed them, but I am making better decisions for my family now.
Second, call a Harley. When your confidence is down and your not sure what to do, there is nothing like the advice of an expert to guide you in your situation. Otherwise you could get caught up in antrophy. I did.
Thinking of you.
Loy
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Hi, I'm glad you made it over to this site from the other. The people here are much more plentiful and active.
I spend most of my time in Emotional Needs, but lurk here from time to time and the people here will be amazingly dedicated to supporting you, and challenging you.
Some of the things you hear from them may be hard to hear and you may first feel defensive, but please know, there are very few people on these boards that aren't absolutely interested in the best for you.
Do know that there are a couple of really vicious folks out there, stay calm, and let your new friends take care of somebody if they get out of line.
Do share everything, even the stuff you aren't proud of. We've all done some pretty ugly stuff after experiencing similar pain. Your friends here will help you see how to redirect your negative energies in ways that will help you. Some of it may be counter-intuitive. By all means, ask questions, and challenge back.
Best of luck
Hard Head
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We had our counseling session last night, and it didn't go well. He did a lot of talk, a summary of why he's leaving, but it wasn't anything he hasn't told me before. Still vague. The MC asked him if he felt he was past the point of working on the marriage, and he said yes. After that, she said I would need support to get through this.
I brought up the POW, and she asked him point blank if he was having a relationship with her, and of course he said no.
I got really upset and started crying, and he just sat there like a bump on a log, like he didn't even care. I'm angry about the session, because I feel like I didn't get anything out of it. I know there's only so much you can do in an hour, but I was at least hoping for a chance to delve into the whys. Didn't happen. She asked if we felt there was any reason for her to see us together again, and he said no, except for helping us work out being good parents for DD. She set up an appointment for me alone on Friday and said she wouldn't be able to see the two of us anymore.
*Sigh* Now what?
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1. How old is the baby
2. You need to seek legal counsel asap without telling him over establishing strict guidelines with your daughter and her exposure to OW no overnights
3. How are you doing physically and emotionally....are you taking care of yourself.... is your house in order are you in order
4. what type of interactions do the two of you have... how often do you two talk are you in good emotional control when you see him......
ARK
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Your number one priority is taking care of the baby and yourself. I know this is easier said then done, as I too have 8 children and an alien for a H. In the begining I was in total denial and wanted to believe everything my H told me. I got very defensive with the advice given to me on this board because I wanted to believe my H. After 20 years of total and complete trust I had no reason to doubt his words. I came to this board and finally got enough nerve to expose the A. Yes, It caused my H to have a major fit, the anger and the words that have spewed out of his mouth are disgusting. He said he was divorcing me ASAP so that I would be out of his life forever, as he has also rewritten 20 years of our history together. I was never the perfect wife, have done every single love buster in the book, and neither of us really ever worked on one anothers emotional needs. I have read alot of books and I can see how this happened. BUT it is not my fault that he crossed the line. I did not handle the situation well, and could have saved myself alot of heartache if I had listened to the advice given to me. I have ruined his fantasy life and now he has to deal with reality. He is still in denial that they were anything other then friends. BUT he supposedly has ended his "friendship". This was only 2 weeks ago, and I am finally getting stronger and have less anxiety. Next week he will be home for a "visit" with the kids, he now lives 3000 miles away. We have not seen him for 12 weeks. I have been using this time to work on myself. This will be the hardest journey you have ever travelled, BUT it isn't over until the fat lady sings! There are times I wonder if it really is worth all of the hard work, and I have had a chance to think about my true feelings for my H. I am dissapointed in him. BUT I do love him, and want to at least try to save my marriage. Use your time away from him wisely, find out who YOU are, you may be surprised at what you will discover!!!
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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I am so sorry we did not warn you about this ahead of time. MC with a WS is useless and potentially harmful. Everything he said is by the script. There really is no point to continuing MC while he is in the A. Everything we will say is fog babble, completely meaningless!
What you need to do is read up on Plan A. Trust me it does work. I was pregnant with our first child when my FHW had his A. If I had listened to the advice of everyone here I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. But I did follow a lot of plan A and my H and I are 9 months into recovery. Stick with us we will help you out, but please listen to the advice people are giving you and don't be led by your fear.
One way or another you will get through this!
BS (me) - 33
FWH - 33
Dday - 5/2/04, he confessed to a PA
Together 10 yrs, M 4
WH moved out 5/23/04, moved home 11/29/04
DD born - 12/7/04
In the process of recovery, taking it one day at a time...
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Ark:
1. DD will be 8 months old next week. 2. I have talked to one attorney already and plan to speak to some more. 3. Physically/emotionally I am a wreck. Have lost close to 10 pounds in less than 3 weeks, am losing my milk supply for DD, am very lonely when DD and I get home in the evenings. Going to bed alone is torture. But I feel like I have a good support system... I have many friends to talk to and a very supportive workplace. I'm keeping the house very clean and am continuing my weekly bellydance class (I actually have my first performance this weekend). 4. Recently I've been pretty good talking to him. I keep it light and haven't tried to talk about the relationship or our future. We have to have pretty regular contact because of DD, but I try to keep what I say related to that. I ask him how his day was at work, etc. While I'm dying to know what he does when he's not at the house with DD, I haven't really asked much. I know he's been going out to bars for happy hour after work (which is totally unlike him), but I don't ask about it. Last night at MC was the first time in a couple weeks that I have broken down crying in front of him.
Where can I learn more about Plan A? I have "Divorce Remedy" and have been checking out the divorcebusting BB, but I'm not familiar with Dr. Harley's approaches.
Thanks so much for all the support you have given me so far.
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SadMommy, Here are links you will find helpful: Plan A and Plan B
Plan A tips and musings
WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses
Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit Also read the following excellent post created by Pepperband on plan A: [color:"blue"] The carrot of Plan AMeeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs. Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be. Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage. Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking. Stop lovebusting behaviors. Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel. Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to. Remaining open to the possibility of recovery. Offering forgiveness and understanding. The stick of Plan AExposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth. Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way. Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused. Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous. Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous. Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders. Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A[/color]
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Thank you for the links. I'll take a look later tonight when I've got more time.
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{{{SadMommy}}}
DD was 1 month old when I found cell phone records from H's A ... she was 4 months old when I confronted him about the affair and asked him to leave ...and he left ...
I know this sounds like a cliche ... but take one day at a time ... DD is going to be 2 yrs old in a week and a half ... we (xH and I) are still struggling with our relationship <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> but DD is the most important thing in my life ...
How did I cope? It might be a huge mistake later but I took DD with me ... she's been sleeping with me since then ... the first night after H left, 'she held my hand the whole night' - and for me that was enough strength to survive ... each day at a time
{{{my prayers are with you and your DD}}}
me-34 xH-38 DD 10/03 D-day 11/03 (cellphone) Talked-Day 01/04 H left-02/04 Divorce-05/04 xH left -false recovery 1 week- 08/04 -told about OC OC-07/04 xH left -false recovery 6 weeks- 12/01/04 12/02/04 DESTRUCTION OF MILY MUST END 1/17/05 - Started dating 11/05 - CS and visitation established at Court 02/28/06 - xH moves back after 2 yrs! 10/16/07 - asked xH to leave - he's still in a relationship with OW
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I think the MC went quite well. You brought up the truth that there may be an OW. Your husband now knows that his secret is out, and he is a liar.
Drop the relationship talk, and start in Plan A. However you need to start drinking lots of fluids and eating - RIGHT NOW. Your baby needs a healthy mom.
This infidelity stuff is not fun, but the spouse usually comes back to the marriage.
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One thing that needs to be stressed is do not tell your alien WH anything you are plannig on doing. He is the enemy right now he is not your Husband. Do not tell him about the lawyer ect. Nothing. Just smile and act like you are just going day to day.
married 21 Together 26 - OW 2yrs, he worked with her and found secret e-mail account.The first cut is the deepest. just found out H is a serial cheater - total cut to pieces now- saw a D lawyer today.
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I haven't said anything about lawyers to H, only that I don't want a divorce.
One thing is kind of interesting. At MC last night, he was in such a hurry to get out of there that he left his legal pad. I picked it up as I was leaving and stuck it in my purse. This morning, as I was taking it out, a wad of folded paper fell out. It was a divorce agreement he had typed up. Someone I was talking to today said he probably left it on purpose, that he wanted me to find it so he wouldn't have to bring it up face to face. Does that make sense? I'm not saying anything about it.
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