SM, at a minimum it seems like the college account should be a joint signature account until you two can decide what to do. I think it's an "easy sell" to WH that it should be in DD's name, since it was a gift... you don't need to point out that you're afraid he could spend it in this fog, just that if the D proceeds, it should be DD's asset, not the marriage's. He will go along with that reasoning I think, w/o feeling like you are attacking him. Money things get very dicey. There is a lot of room for hurt feelings and attacking behavior, love busting, when money is the topic during the separation... it's very very hard when you have spent 4-11 years as you have with the same goals, the team-mentality, moving toward family & retirement together as a couple - to take the FAMILY's interests and turn it into INDIVIDUAL interests is a painful thing. TRY to avoid any conversation with him about who gets the tv, who gets the computer, who gets the sofa... that stuff can get very love-busting, and is very pointless at this stage in the game. Some of the best advice my attorney gave me was not to discuss all of that until 2-3 MONTHS after the divorce had been FILED. "Give things a chance to decompress first" she said - very very good advice. And it never came to it, as it often doesn't.

If there is no A going on, what you are doing is still the best plan. I guess I was unaware that he doesn't fully admit the A. Does he really maintain with a straight face that he is not in "love" with OW? You exposed already, right? All signs point to A. IF there were NO A and you were positive, then MC would be the thing to do now. But if there is ongoing A, then no MC until he goes No Contact and wants to work on the marraige.

I have full confidence that your WH will turn the corner and come around if you stay the MB course. Just be patient. God told me "Wait" more times than I care to think about!

NTL

H gets defensive or angry whenever OW is mentioned. I feel like he has admitted to an EA, b/c one weekend when we were talking, I said I understand I had neglected him, but told him that I felt like he had been neglecting me, too, by focusing energy and intimacy on her that could've been invested in M. He said when he wasn't getting it from me, he had to get it somewhere. I said that's an EA, and he said call it what you want to call it. I'd call that admitting to EA.

Then another time, OW has the guts to sit there while we were trying to talk at her apt and say they have a friendship that people "just can't understand." She actually said this. To me, the W! She walked me to my car and then said an uncontested divorce would be best for everybody. She hasn't called me, and I haven't talked to her since. I'm sure H has told her everything I've said, so either she's ignoring me, her supposed friend, b/c she's mad at me or b/c she is a guilty b and she knows it. I'm guessing the latter.

But on the flipside, a few days after H left, I asked him straight up if he was in an affair. In a rare moment when he seemed more like himself than he had since he dropped the bomb, he emphatically said, "I wanted things to change, but not like that."

I asked b/c my neighbor told me he said, "I would never cheat on W, but if I did, it would be with OW." when he was describing OW to neighbor. H He also asked my aunt (who he got close to on a recent visit) if she had ever had an affair. Of course, he doesn't remember either of those comments! It seems like he's trying to uphold his "good guy" image, which is very important to him.

I guess I'm still having a hard time believing the man I have known and loved for 11 years is capable of this kind of behavior. But when I look at the evidence, it's hard not to believe that's what's going on. It's a bitter pill, that's for sure.

I'm really struggling right now with the concept. The thought of him with someone else just makes me want to vomit. Could I ever forgive him if this is true? In my heart, I want to believe that I can, for DD's sake if not my own. But right now, with all the mean things he's said to me and the way he's shown he has no concern for me or DD, I'm not so sure... I am praying daily for guidance. Maybe God has been showing me things all along and I'm just not seeing them b/c it's not what I want to see?

OK. BRILLIANT. If you are truly committed to not spending that money, then you must do this. And, only your name should be on the account w/ your daughter's so that he cannot gain access.

However, that money will no longer be available to you either for an emergency, without serious penalties being incurred. I would predict that you may have to dip into it to pay for an attorney, or to move, or some other emergency like a car breakdown, so it is a bit risky.

SM05, You know my situation where there is no affair (I'm pretty sure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> )

I have been Plan A ing by butt off. Major changes 14 months ago, but for 8 months I refused to move out which was the singular love buster, and I hadn't changed my communication pattern yet, so I wasn't having much of an effect.

Moved out at beginning of June and have still been Plan A ing like crazy. I'm really an impatient person, so it was HARD, HARD, HARD, especially so for a HardHead.

I did one non Plan A thing where I took over the finances, insisted she get her own accounts, and now I'm balancing the budget. It was fair, but tough. She resisted and was obnoxious at first, but has come around and is now working her own budget half-way decently.

Well, since the finance thing, a bunch has been changing. We have been spending more time together because she just got a job where she works 1 evening and Saturday morning (so I watch the kids). That makes me around her at least 3 times per week including Wednesdays when I watch the kids and she reads.

Four weeks ago she read the 5 Love Languages. She hardly ever reads anything, so that was amazing. Then, even more bizaar she has the same LL as me; physical affection, affirmation, and quality time. Interestingly, she only would give GIFTS and SERVICE, and always talked about receiving GIFTS and SERVICE (which I have been delivering). So we got to talk about how it's obvious why she isn't valuing my changes because I'm not really speaking her LL, and she was never speaking mine. And, with her walls up so high, she won't let me actually give her PA, and quality time. This opened her eyes to some things.

Since then she has let me touch her a little more. And, she's touched me back a little more.

Plus, 2 weeks ago she started counseling. It was suppossed to be for her and D4, but the counselor convinced her she needed to work on herself. So, now she is open to counseling. WOW.

And, she really lowered the walls in the last 2 weeks and started to talk about stuff. And, wonder of wonders, I didn't get defensive, but Plan A'd my butt off listening.

And, for the kicker. This past weekend she said ILY without me saying it first. It was quiet and subdued, almost below her breath, like she was testing how it sounded. I can tell you, it sounded GOOD!

She still has a lot of anger directed at my female carpooler (that I ended 14 months ago; I ended carpooling there was nothing else going on), but she does realize she needs to let it go. And she cannot forgive herself or me yet for not having the communication skills to reach each other. But, I'm starting to really believe we can get there.

And there are regressions. Two nights ago she went to counseling and I sensed she was really upset and she was lying about where she was at. I told her that as upset as she was that it would be OK if she stopped off to have a drink (I suspected she already had done that), and she then did tell me the truth (lying by her and lies by ommission are a huge problem) but I tried like h3ll to make it safe for her to tell me.

But then the walls were up when she got home and she was picking fights with me. I got sucked in a couple of times. BAD BAD BAD. But, now we've recovered. We are recovering faster these days.

So, what I'm trying to say is she found it VERY, VERY difficult to continue to not work on herself and not work on the relationship while I was being DIFFERENT. Unfortunately, it takes a LONG LONG time. Too Long. I've wanted to quit many times. And every support person I have close to me just wants me to quit and move on. It's only the people on these boards that know, to get what we want, we need to stay the course.

I have hope.

Hope that helps you believe in Plan A.

Thanks, HardHead. I'm trying to buy as much time as I can to implement a good Plan A. H is in such a hurry to leave me behind in his quest for a "fresh start."

As far as DD's money goes, good point, too. At the least, I should put in a separate savings account for her with me as the co-signer for now. Will do ASAP.

SadMommy, how are things going - has he been around much?

You keep praying.
NTL

Hi, NTL. He's actually been coming over every other day to see DD, but only for about an hour or so right around bedtime. Even though tomorrow's Saturday and would be a great opportunity for him to spend some quality time with DD when she's at her most playful and joyful during the day, he's still coming over at 6 tomorrow.

We're supposed to talk about finances again tomorrow night. I'm dreading it, b/c today was his payday and he put in the same amount as last time... not enough if DD and I are going to be able to save up moving expenses/attorney fees.

It's been a rough evening for me. After we got home, DD and I went out to visit a couple friends who were setting up for a function we're attending tomorrow. On the way home, I drove by OW's apartment. Couldn't help it. H's car was there, but not hers. Guaranteed they're out somewhere together. So he's out partying while I'm here alone as DD sleeps. It's times like this when I get really, really down, because she's asleep and there's nothing else to really occupy my mind. I can't go anywhere, so I'm stuck here, surrounded by our life together.

That sucks. Fortunately for me, OW lived 45 min away so I never drove by her house. That would have been torture to see his car there... I'm sorry.

If there's one consolation (minor I realize) it may be that I doubt all of his "partying time" with OW is all that happy anymore now that he's been thrown into confusion about what he wants. My FWH and OW took a lot of "nice" trips and even a cruise together, but I don't think a lot of the time was very nice. OW pulled a lot of crazy antics when my H would act unsure about their relationship vs. coming home; she got psycho. I remember him calling me and talking about her and calling her "human crazy glue." Of course, that made me think things were going in my favor and that he was seeing the light. Unfortunately, he wasn't even close yet.

Probably a lot of their current & future conversation will turn in to "but DD needs me" but "I think I still have feelings for SadMommy" but "I care about you too" but "SadMommy and I have a history together" but "Yes, we have good things about us too" but "SadMommy needs me" but "Yes you need me too"............. so don't get yourself too worked about about all their happy partying. It's probably not to perfect romantic bliss it seemed like at first. And if he expresses any doubts about leaving you to OW, she's gonna probably go nuts and start acting all desperate and clingy, and that may turn him off.

You hang in there!
NTL

Something to think on today for you SadMommy...
[color:"green"] Psalm 27
A psalm of David.
1
The LORD is my light and my salvation--
so why should I be afraid?
The LORD protects me from danger--
so why should I tremble?
2
When evil people come to destroy me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.

3
Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will know no fear.
Even if they attack me,
I remain confident.

4
The one thing I ask of the LORD--
the thing I seek most--
is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
delighting in the LORD's perfections
and meditating in his Temple.

5
For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.

6
Then I will hold my head high,
above my enemies who surround me.
At his Tabernacle I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the LORD with music.

7
Listen to my pleading, O LORD.
Be merciful and answer me!

8
My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me."
And my heart responds, "LORD, I am coming."

9
Do not hide yourself from me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don't leave me now; don't abandon me,
O God of my salvation!

10
Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the LORD will hold me close.

11
Teach me how to live, O LORD.
Lead me along the path of honesty,
for my enemies are waiting for me to fall.

12
Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I've never done
and breathe out violence against me.

13
Yet I am confident that I will see the LORD's goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.

14
Wait patiently for the LORD.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.

[/color]

I went to the bank today and opened two savings accounts... one for DD and one for me. I'm sure H will be mad about me opening DD's without telling him... I don't know what I'm going to say to that. I felt so weird doing that, but I'm sure it was the right thing to do.

NTL, thanks for offering me that minor consolation. I sort of doubt, though, that he's starting to have mixed feelings about the situation. Like I have said, he has given me no indication whatsoever that he cares about me at all. The fog is very, very thick. The Psalm is helpful, though... I'm definitely trying to be brave and patient. I pray for strength and guidance every day.

H is supposed to be here at 6 tonight to see DD again and also talk about finances. I'm a little worried about it. Wish me luck!

Good for you with the banking, you are doing the right thing to protect you and DD. If he gets made you can just explain that in the context of the D he says he wants, it is DD's asset, and you just thought it should be in her name. That's all, just so there's no confusion with the legal proceedings or assets or whatever...

I think he IS starting to have mixed feelings about the situation. That's why his anger has lessened. He will continue to get more & more confused as you work your Plan A.

How did it go tonight, you are in our thoughts & prayers.
NTL

Nope, no mixed feelings on his part. He's still very determined. Said he does feel guilty, but this is something he has to do and is something that's going to happen. He said he had been happy but realized how unhappy he had become. He said he felt like my life was very busy and didn't have a lot of room for him, that I saw him as a provider, as someone to fill the empty seat at the table. I said I'm sorry he feels that way, but that's not how I see him.

He said he had done lots of soul searching. Said he can't see things getting better or himself getting un-unhappy while married to me. Said OW has nothing to do with it, that while he admitted to having an "emotional attachment" to her, it's not an EA. "Yeah, we talk as friends. We talk a lot," is what he said. I just kept saying how I understand that I have neglected him, that things can get better, that this is crazy and it doesn't have to be this way.

Looked over the finances again and said he can't give me any more than what he's doing. It's half of what he's making, he says. I'm not sure I buy it. Feeling very, very hopeless and bleak right about now...

Especially because he sounded more like himself than he has in a long time. Seemed like a tired, sad man. I've lost my best friend. What am I going to do? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

SadMommy, I think my H expressed all of those feelings to be at various points as well. It is without question affair-fog.

I KNOW it is SO HARD, but PLEASE don't give too much weight to what he says right now. Just listen, nod, and do your best to respect his feelings that this is what he THINKS he wants (in a jujitsu way, know what I mean?)

Remember from stopyourdivorce.com how you arguing his feelings invalidates them and makes him feel like he is right to think you don't understand him?

That meaning, I agree with telling him you have neglected him and that things can get better (use any opportunity of a midnight call from him to express to him EXACTLY the PRECISE things you realize you have done to love-bust, the examples of selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, whatever...) but I would be careful of making statements like "this is crazy" and "it doesn't have to be this way" because you are invalidating his feelings and I think it comes across as a disrespectful judgement.

I know that this IS crazy. But pointing that out to him is probably a love-buster. It will not change his mind. He will not go away thinking "SadMommy is right. This is crazy. I'm going to end my affair and go home." instead he will probably go away thinking "She is judging me, doesn't understand what I need to do here. She doesn't understand why this just can't work."

I'm not trying to beat you up here for saying that, just trying to point out what I have read and experienced works, and what doesn't. I thought I was doing a lot of good by pointing out to my WH how he was failing us, his vows, God, his kids, how immoral it was, how crazy... none of that is what brought him home. What brought him home was him seeing that I grocked (a 1960's word for "understood at the deepest level") how I had not treated him as my equal, had not respected his opinions or given them the same weight as my own, had dismissed his suggestions and ideas, and controlled too much of how things were done. These were not easy things for me to come to terms with.

A friend pointed out that I hadn't kept my wedding vows either. Wow, that hurt. I went on the defensive on that one - "Well, I didn't CHEAT!"

"Yeah, but you promised to love, honor, and cherish him. Have you?" Then I realized that after his alcoholism and some other issues from our past that didn't get resolved correctly or completely, I had become parental toward him and quit honoring him by respecting him. Husbands need their wive's respect.

I also came to realize that although HE was the one with the apparent anger management problem, that HIS anger was always directed at things or situations (drivers, the broken modem, something spilling out of the closet when he opened it, a stain on his new tie, etc) but MY anger was a lot less loud and volatile, but was always directed at HIM. (just a generally b*tchy pis&y type of attitude, passive aggressive, hostile over things he had done or failed to do) Wow, how much more of a love-buster is THAT then yelling at another driver? A real wake-up call for me to love him, respect him, and give HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

I'm not implying my issues are your issues. Just that we all have issues. If you can deconstruct yours and work on them, present the changes to him in a Plan A package that he can believe in, you will probably be surprised how curious about this "new you" he becomes. The night of one of our big phone conversations about this stuff, after talking for 3 hours on the phone, my WH said to me "Wow, who ARE you? What did you do with my wife?"

Just food for thought,
hugs, NTL

Nottolost,
I am always glad to read what you say to other people. Sadmommy's WH sounds just like where my WH is. He makes a pretty good arguement as to why we need a D.

Are you familar with my situation? If your get some time, would you steer me in a better direction. I read the stopyourdivorce page but I did not order the book. I am afraid that I am going to have to file something next week for financial protection.

How close did you and your H get to divorce?

SadMommy, not meaning to threadjack, but I think this question/history applies to your sitch as well...

Jean36, I am somewhat familiar with your situation... I will read a little more. I know my H has been reading a lot of your threads the past few days, perhaps he can bring me up to speed also.

How close did we get to divorce... well, around early Feb 05 I became increasingly decided that he was never going to get off the fence and that I was going to have to make a decision. I also had become convinced that he was almost a sociopathic liar. Many things came together at once for me to feel this way, from watching Scott Peterson's girlfriend on tv to seeing the things Dr Phil said to Kandi about Ed, and finding out OW was indeed pregnant... we had not found MB yet (well, we had been pointed here, but did not come).
Primarily, I had three conditions on agreeing to work on our M after the relapse, and he was not meeting any of them. They were:
(1) quit your job
(2) agree to never have contact w/ OW again
(3) agree to not have any contact with OC

Around Feb 7 my H said, "If you're going to file for D, just do it so I know what is going to happen, so I know the factors I'm working with here." He was so in the fog.

So on Feb 9 I went to see a lawyer and filed. I told him on Feb. 10. He was furious, and surprised. Very angry. Some about the divorce filing, some confusion, and some miscommunication and misunderstandings between us made him mad. Things went from Bad to Worse... he got angrier and angrier, and his emails to my work became very stressful to me - OW was guiding him to get me to switch off the utilities (which I did ASAP) and we were splitting up the debt etc. His atty picked up the papers from my atty around the following Monday, I think that may have been on Valentine's Day (unintentional on my part, honestly). Anyway, there was a mutual restraining order in the D paperwork, prohibiting us from disturbing each other's peace of mind. So he quit calling and emailing. I had no idea how much my peace of mind had been being disturbed until the RO was in affect (note: NOT a PPO).

Anyway, effectively, that was an unintentional Plan B. Because of the RO, I "went dark".

He posted here the night that I told him I filed (you can go back search and see his initial post) - he was given many many good 2x4's. I began lurking soon after, he did not know. It gave me insight into what was really going on in his head. By the time he told me he had lost his job, I already knew. By the time he told me he had gone NC with OW, I already knew. By the time he showed me the draft of the NC letter for OW, I already had seen it. This probably makes him raise his eyebrows now (!) but it definitely worked in his favor at the time, because I believed he was being sincere with me because I was reading about it on MB - and I figured he had reasons to mislead or lie to me about contact with OW, or whatever - but what possible reason did he have to lie to MBers, when he came here for their advice and they were all strangers to him?

So anyway, we went to friend of the court on Feb 28 to work out c/s and parenting time and custody; and he asked me for coffee afterwards and I went. He brought his laptop and showed me a draft of NC letter to OW. He asked me to mail it that week so I would know it got mailed. I didn't care if he did NC or not at that point, but he really wanted to show me he meant it whether we were going to be together or not, so I mailed it on a Friday. On Monday I got a letter from OW, (contact). I did not respond to it in any way, except to tell H's accountability guy (MBer & longtime friend) that I had received the letter and its basic content (which was a bunch of stuff to stir the pot disguised as an apology).

Anyway, a week or two later, H and I had been writing letters to each other. I wrote him one that dropped him to his knees, I'm sure it's all detailed in his posts. I thought I had held out quite a bit of hope in the letter, but all he saw was my complete disenchantment with him and disdain... it nearly destroyed him to realize we were really over.

A night or two later he called, we talked for a while, and we continued to talk.
He wanted to do MC. He had been NC with OW for about 10 days. People in my real life were counseling me to let him go for at least 2 years, to see if he could get his life together. He asked if I would just talk to MB counselor. I agreed, we did, and she coached us into spending all of our time together and really giving it a crazy last effort by using MB techniques and tools. Meanwhile, WH had also come to some understandings about his anger not being okay and had begun to read about and work thru some tools to manage that. He also saw 2 various IC during the separations. And we had MC with our pastor for a while.
Also, a biggie: I realized he now had agreed to and started the framework for all 3 prior conditions to be met. He had quit his job, sent a NC letter to OW, and said he totally realized how any contact with OC would mean contact with OW, and what a threat that was to our family and DD's. I felt I had no choice but to give our M another change in light of these major changes I had needed to see.

We baby-stepped thru March 2005 (didn't feel like baby-stepping, sometimes I cried because I thought Jennifer was pushing me way too fast and not respecting what I had been through and how violated I felt), and by April he moved home. We have been in recovery since. It has not always been easy, but EN's, LB's, POJA and negotiation, and agreed upon relationship boundaries have all been very important to our recovery. We took some time off these boards during recovery - just didn't like living in the A every day. Needed a break.

So we remarked the other day that our D would have been final by now. (Oh, I withdrew the D officially in April 2005). I feel like we came pretty close to D. I was definitely "there" in my head. There was a point I prayed to God, "God, if you ever want me to take him back, you are going to have to put that in my heart, because I am SO DONE." When my divorce filing came in the mail, I wasn't sad, I wasn't regretful, it gave me a sense of control and self-respect that I had given up. I remember holding them over my bed, looking at the bed we had shared for 11 years and thinking, "See? You can't DO this to me. It was NOT okay what you did to me."

But when his heart changed, God softened mine again as well. It will never be quite as soft and vulnerable as it used to be probably, but I don't know, I don't feel like I've given up trusting people or caring... we ALL stand in need of forgiveness. Me, you, him, her... all of us. He can't take back what has happened, but he is doing the absolute best thing he can to make it right, and I really really respect that in him. I wish the same for you, Jean & SadMommy.

Love & hugs to you guys - in my experience this is the hardest part what you're in now,
NTL

Awwww, thank you, NTL. I really enjoy reading your posts.

I have a question that I could use some advice on. H wants to pick DD up way early from daycare Friday to take her to a family get-together about an hour away. I found out today that the event doesn't start til 7 but he wants to pick her up at 2 or 3. I feel like the only reason he wants to pick her up at daycare is to prove a point that he has control and power. Throughout DD's short life, H has only picked her up at daycare once.

I have expressed my concerns to him that she won't take a bottle from him, that she needs to nurse. We have a routine, where I pick her up everyday and we nurse as soon as we get home. But he says he can meet her needs, too. Sure, maybe she won't starve, but I'm also concerned about her emotional wellbeing.

She's at the age now where she gets separation anxiety. I'm afraid that being ripped from her usual routine and being surrounded by strangers (yes, she has met these folks before, but she doesn't seem them often) without her mommy to cling to may be traumatic. She's been around these people, but I've always been there for her, too. I don't want to think about my little baby being scared.

Mom says I should put my foot down. That H needs to be respectful of my concerns and work on my terms b/c DD lives with me. B/c he walked out, she reasons, he gave up his rights. I don't know if that holds water or not. I just feel like he's trying to do what he has accused me of, using her as a bargaining chip. And that's just not fair to her. Any thoughts?

Hi SadMommy,
I so TOTALLY understand that you want to protect DD from any emotional upset, and that this might seem controlling on the part of WH. BUT, if you give in (jujitsu) it lessens his desire now & in the future to push your limits as they relate to DD. He wants to know that you won't keep her from him, and you shouldn't. Some of the best advice I ever got was from a friend who has a 12 year old DD, has been D from DD's dad for many years. She told me "I have primary custody. I gave him unlimited visitation. Unlimited. I could count on one hand the # of times he has requested having her outside of his normal visitation. Even that dropped from E/O weekend + Wed nights to just the weekends."

Unlimited visitation. I thought that was interesting. Took all the pressure off fighting for time with DD, made either of them unable to use her as a bargaining chip.

My kids had huge bouts of separation anxiety, I nursed both DD's for almost 2 years each, and even though I worked FT, they were with my Mom. They never were okay when they were young with babysitters, church nursery, and yes, even my H sometimes. When my oldest was 3 she cried herself to sleep the 2 times we tried to get a babysitter and go out - at 5:30pm!!!

My point being, you cannot protect DD from ever feeling emotionally traumatized. This is her father. He loves her. You have stated that he is good with her, but sometimes gets a little frustrated, but that in general she is a very good and easy baby. I so so so understand your worry. BUT, assuming all safety issues are addressed (carseat, safe driving, no drinking & driving, and supervision of DD, etc) then I think you should let him pick her up early. Yes, maybe he is doing this to prove he has control and power. More likely, he is doing it to (1) spend extra time with her or (2) see how much power and control YOU are going to use over him.

The book on long-standing affects of divorce that I read stated that generally speaking however involved a father was before the D, is how involved he will stay after the D. Now, I realize you don't have much history on your H before the A... but if he only picked her up at daycare one time I doubt he is suddenly going to want to go get her all the time. The book, if anyone is interested is Judith Wallerstein's 25 year study called "The Unexpected Effects of Divorce on Children" or something similar - it is very well-known, and reading it motivated me all the more to work to save my marriage.

I think giving in and not making an issue of it this time will spare you later... I think if you put your foot down he is going to keep pushing and pushing, and it will be very hard to Plan A w/o lovebusting. NOTHING made my H as angry with me as when he thought I was going to w/h time with the girls once the D was final (a misunderstanding, but nonetheless...).

As far as because he walked out, he gave up his rights... that is actually not true at all. He is her father, and he does have rights to see her. It is also in your DD's best interest if he is a good dad for her to have a relationship with him.

Those are my thoughts, I ran it by my H and he agrees. It is however, okay to pray the whole time they are gone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also, another thought. If it would ever come to you & he being in court over custody and parenting time... you DO NOT want it to look like you withheld parenting time from him. My understanding is that courts favor BOTH parent's involvement, and each parents supporting the other parent's involvement... because courts are trying to look at the best interest of the child, which they hold to be a relationship with both parents to the best extent possible.

NTL

Sage advice. Not what I wanted to hear, but point taken. I was wondering how Plan A would figure into that.

Thanks also for the feedback on the "this is crazy" stuff. I hadn't even thought that I was invalidating his feelings with that. Didn't even know I was lovebusting. I will change my tune and see what happens...

It's really hard, I know. And I know it's hard when people in RL (real life) that are trying to help and are hurting so badly for you are telling to you stand your ground, not be a pushover, lay down the law... if and when you reconcile with H, there will invariably be people in your life who think you are being a real sucker. Your DD will not be one of them!

Hugs to you today,
NTL

OK... new drama today. I checked his account and found out that his check Friday was more than $200 over what he said he makes. When we talked about finances Saturday, he said he only averages 6 hours of overtime a month and that he "will gladly send any OT money my and DD's way." Obviously he's not doing that. Is there anything I can do? I can't just confront him about lying... then he'd know that I've been checking.

I'm hesitant to go the legal separation route, b/c I'm pretty sure he's doing more than what the court would require.

Grr. I hate this situation. He comes over Saturday and shows me this pitiful budget he's made for himself, that he'll be just barely scraping by and giving DD and me everything he can. He acts all soft and sad about it, and then I find out what's REALLY going on. I don't trust him anymore than I can throw him, which isn't very far. What's a girl to do? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />