Thank you for the support. Woke up with knots in my stomach this morning, wondering when it'll happen and how he'll react. Haven't heard from him about seeing DD, and since he came over Monday, tonight would be the night. I'm just on pins and needles, wondering what he could possibly say against me in a response to the complaint.

SM -

I know I'm repeating myself....but don't keep counting on what he can / cannot do. ie - not the confrontational type.
He's not himself right now, don't assume future actions based on past behavior.

I got to see my Sunday School teachin', Baptist preachers daughter, Christian school employee wife standing in the hall with a big hammer in her hand AFTER she became a WW.

Don't assume anthing....

Georgia

Sadmommy.

Try not to worry about what he will say. I know its hard because I did the same thing.

Yo know the truth in this matter. You did nothing wrong. Don't let him bully you into backing down. I think thats what my WH was trying to do last weekend. But I didn't respond in any way. So if your WH starts blaming you and saying things just try and let it roll off your back.

I know easier said than done but I know you can do this...

Keep your chin up and know in your heart you have done nothing wrong you will make it. Let WH spin in his own chaos without you and DD.

I couldn't get on here all day yesterday. So far, no updates. H called in the afternoon to ask about seeing DD, so I brought her to his apartment around 6 and picked her up after dance class. It seemed to go well. We didn't talk much, just "Hi, how'd she do? Thanks, bye!" So I don't think he's been served yet. I don't know how long it takes from filing to a deputy knocking on your door.

STILL on pins and needles here...

Hmm... maybe H does know. It's conceivable that he called his attorney that morning to say he was ready, but she found out I already had filed by the time she got to the courthouse? The attorney would probably advise him not to say anything to me about it even he did get served, right?

I'm feeling very anxious, as I'm sure you can tell. I just have no idea how long it takes between filing and service, and I want to make sure that the new doorknobs won't be a surprise when/if he comes to the house, which he says he will be over Saturday. Plus, while I feel like I'm coming out of the will he/won't he come back limbo, there's a whole new world of what ifs to deal with right now... what if we can't agree on a settlement? how expensive is this going to be? what if there's a perfectly defensible explanation for his interactions with OW? what kind of dirt will he try to dig up on me? what kind of crazy custody arrangement will he ask for? how long is this going to take? Grrr. It's hard to concentrate!

Sadmommy,

I am having the same thoughts as you. But like everyone here keeps reminding me we can't play the What If game.

We will just drive ourselves crazy with it. Just try and stay calm and take care of your DD.

You can deal with all of the other stuff when it happens. I found that a lot of my What If's never came to pass. So I drove myself nuts for nothing.

You can't worry about settlement issues or him diggin up dirt. For one thing if you can't come to an agreement a judge will do it for you. I also feel there is no dirt he an dig up on you that will outweigh what he has done. So if you know in your heart you have done nothing wrong don't worry about it.

Please take a deep breath and calm down. You will only make yourself sick and not able to care for DD. No matter the outcome you will make it.... I know its hard but have faith and keep praying.

Keeping you and DD in my prayers.

Hurting

SM, I'm sitting here crying, not because I think your M is over (I don't!) but because I've done what you just did, and I know how scary and painful it is...

One thing from my experience. I had my H meet me in a parking lot (neutral public place) and told him I needed to talk to him. I told him I filed. He was very angry. He was shocked, even though 2 days before he had told me to go ahead and make a decision if I knew what I wanted to do. We spoke for a long time (too long), and I explained to him that my attorney didn't believe in serving people at work etc. His atty or himself was to pick up the papers at my atty's office. He sent his atty. Much more civil than being served at work or whatever. My atty's advice.
Smart lady.

Then we started talking too much about splitting my retirement plan, and custody, and eventually I got cussed at and I got the finger and he slammed the car door and got in his car and peeled away. I wasn't surprised, and he did call later to say all that was uncalled for on his part. Apparently he felt I was going to try to keep him from the girls and keep all my 401k (which BTW I was gonna need for DDs and debt).

Anyway, within weeks he was asking if I would at least talk to Jennifer Chalmers and the rest is history.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

MSA

Son has been sick...really bad tuesday evening...and I am at hospital and on call.

I will try to phone you tonight.

don't worry. breathe.

You're going to be fine...it's the WS who loses here..his family his respectability...

I want to be honest with you...have you really tried a good A? If so, then with the d, you may want to switch to plan B now.

Only if you did an incredible A...however, if you've filed for D, I think a dark plan B might be best bet. Have you written a pbletter?

I think you need to think and search right now.

And MIMI IS RIGHT!

Fight like heck! Fight until you can't anymore.

Let WS know you want a better marriage! Love! All the bells and whistles.

I am praying for you.

You can write in letter that even thought you're divorcing, you are just protecting yourself, your heart, and DD...and that if he comes to senses, he could have a NEW and stronger and renewed marriage...complete with W that is committed to reinventing it as well.

It could be good. Just work and fight and make it so!

SadMommy -

You have done nothing here that you WH can hold against you. IF trying to save your M is "dirt" then that's all he's got.

I like Peachy's suggestion. You could really benefit by removing yourself from WH and the drama/chaos/turmoil he is creating in your life. It has helped me remakrably. I am so much more confident and stronger now.

I miss my H. But it was not good letting him walk all over me. Don't let him run the show.

Kim

Kim, Peach and MSA... thank you so much for thinking of us. I'm just absolutely exhausted with all this, but I'm so keyed up worrying like Hurting said. Just overwhelmed with sadness, worry and hurt. Wondering if I did the right thing.

Peach, I don't know how good my Plan A was. I know I tried, but I must admit I had a lot of LBs and setbacks. I guess I'm just easily frustrated when I can't see the results. And H certainly didn't make things easy.

Believe me, I don't want him running the show. That's part of the reason I decided to go ahead and file. B/c he WAS running the show. Saying when he'd come see DD. Saying how much money he was going to give me. Sure, he wanted to talk about a settlement, but only on his terms. He wasn't going to agree with anything I wanted. He expected me to give in to his every wish. To just walk away from our life together scot free. Grr... he has been so selfish and stuck in the fog! He comes over the day after he dropped the bomb and wants to talk about the settlement. The VERY NEXT DAY, when I was still in shock.

When he said Monday night that "regardless of how this ends, I want us to be on good terms for DD." To me that really means, "Yeah, I'm ripping your reality from underneath you and treating you like dirt, but I'm going to do whatever I want and you're just going to accept it and be pleasant about it."

I think that's what really snapped for me. How he thinks he can just turn my world inside out and expect me to just go with it. That is wrong, so flippant, and very hurtful. He doesn't deserve me.

SM:

I'd say you translated that pretty damn well.

Statistically speaking, you will probably get another shot at your marriage with your Wayward Husband. You may or may not want it, but just keep that statistical fact tucked away. Your WH will be back someday....I doubt this is the last of things for your marriage. As bad as you think things are, there are far worse situations that have been ressurected here. In the end, this will be more of your "choice" than you think.

Goodluck, I say protect you and your daughter with any means possible.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know there are much worse situations on here that have had happy endings. It's inspiring in a way, but saddening in another... as in, if folks who have gone through worse stuff can get it together, why can't H and I?

Hon...get a solid plan.

If you did an awful A...

then reread "the carrot and stick" of plan A and work it girl!

then if after a few weeks or after filing he doesn't get it, then you go dark.

But you work the plan CORRECTLY so it can have effectiveness ok? a half [censored] plan is just that. not successful...just half an [censored].

get control in your life back by having a concrete plan for now. you can't do a half way a or halfway b...it doesn't work well like that.

NOT a good morning. DD and I usually watch MTV while we're nursing first thing in the a.m., and this Kelly Clarkston video came on... "Because of You." Has anyone seen this one? Basically a montage of men leaving their wives and young daughters. I started crying. Then little DD, bless her heart, stopped nursing and looked up at me quietly as if to say, "It's going to be OK, mommy." And then grinned. I am just so upset this morning. I don't even want to be here at work...probably should have stayed home and cried all day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

SM -

I am SO sorry.

"He doesn't deserve me."

That needs to be your mantra.

Georgia

Post deleted by tdr

Thanks, Georgia and tdr. I think he may have been served. The attorney paged me while I was in a meeting this a.m., but he's at lunch now... At least that's what I hope this is about. On Wednesday, H said he plans to come over tomorrow to see DD and work in the yard, and I was wondering how I was going to explain the new door knobs.

(((tdr))) Sorry to hear about the way your wh is acting. Thanks for the vote of confidence in what I've done. I've been worried that it will ruin the chance of us "being on good terms for DD" like H said he wanted. If that's REALLY what he wants, the ball's going to be in his court to prove it.

SadMommy,
You have a good handle on your WH at this point, you can see what he's doing now and how foggy he is, you just can't see how it will turn around. But I have faith that it will.

This is where God will just hold you up, let Him be your comfort and your guide in what to do next. In the book of James it says that if you ask the Lord what to do He will answer, but we must expect an answer! He will do this with things little and big. With all of WH's chaos, don't forget what really matters when this life is over is your relationship with God. You WH will be accountable to God for his actions, and you will be accountable for yours. Keep in your heart a spirit of peace, love, patience, kindness and forgiveness - it will help you get thru this time sanely. Also, as a side benefit, it will probably prove irresistable to your H someday when he gets his head out of the fog. But don't do it for him right now, do it for you and DD.

TDR is right, you can't rely on anything WH says right now, you DID THE RIGHT THING by filing at this point to preserve your stability. Plan B is a very calming thing, the mutual restraining order (NOT a PPO) on my D paperwork spared me a lot of chaos once his atty pointed it out to him.

MSA

Thanks, Mrs. S. I pray nightly for guidance for me, H and everyone on this board. And I pray for strength and comfort for me, DD and all BSes and their children.

Well, H knows. His atty went to file Wednesday, I'm guessing afternoon, and got a call from the clerk of court yesterday saying I already had. So THAT'S why he had a funny look and was acting a little odd Wednesday night when I came to pick up DD.

He's going to do an acknowledgement through his atty so he won't get served, which is fine. He doesn't know the grounds yet, though, and I don't know when he'll be meeting with the atty, this afternoon or Monday.

So the wheels are really in motion now... I don't know if I should feel relief or fear. A little of both now, actually.