The 30 day hearing will give you the financial protection you need. You would think you should at least have a date by now. I strongly suggest you call your attorney and ask about that.

Plan B, I found, gave me a lot of emotional protection when my WW was walking all over me. It's hard to understand, but your continued communication with him is hurting you more than a total communication break (once you get over the initial shock).

Fortunately for me, I didn't have to deal the child issue.

Why don't you change your thread name to something like:

HELP!! HOW DO I PLAN B WITH AN INFANT INVOLVED?

There must be some folks out there with good ideas on this.

Georgia

Tried to do that, Georgia, but the time limit to edit that first post has expired.

Yep, I understand completely that this continued communication is hurting me. Most of the time, it's just about DD, and it is frequent since she is so small. However, we don't usually talk on the days when he's not seeing her. I'm punishing myself, because I'm the one who asks. Maybe I just want him to admit what he's doing. Maybe I feel like that would give me closure.

I have to admit, though, since I filed and pushed for 2x week visitation instead of every other day, I have felt a little better, at least on the days when I know I don't have to deal with him.

Yes, my D filing came with a mutual restraining order not to violate one another's "peace of mind". It scared off WH. I had NO IDEA how much my PEACE OF MIND was being violated until he quit calling & emailing me with his daily interactions (usually hostile at best).

I guess in that respect I'm lucky, b/c H doesn't really want to have anything to do with me at all. I feel like he'd be perfectly happy if I dropped off the face of the earth. It's like he's doing a Plan B. He has moved on, leaving me behind in the dust, and he shows absolutely no remorse. I think that's partly why I hurt so badly, b/c he has just tossed me aside for OW like a bag of garbage.

That's also why I think a Plan B wouldn't be effective for H. B/c he acts like he doesn't care.

SM05

I know what you mean, my WBF doesn't care about me either, he has moved on, leaving me behind and DD with no shows of remorse. At some stage I think or hope that this will change, kind of like waiting for a lightening bolt to hit him with a burst of reality. Until that time, all I can say is focus on you and your DD and what is best of you two. Wasting time and energy on WH is just that wasted, until his fog levels reduce!

(((NZgirl)))

I have read your thread. So sorry you your DD are going through a rough time, too. So frustrating, isn't it?

I try to focus on me and DD, and most of the time, it works. My mom says he's not worth getting upset over. However, I just can't help it. It's not that I'm boo-hooing thinking to myself, "Oh, I will never find someone as great as H." It's that I'm grieving for the fact that it's over, that I'm grieving for the future our family SHOULD have had, the one we planned together. I hurt that it's so easy for him to cast me and DD aside, although he says he hasn't walked away from DD. Instead, he's insulting me as a mother and fighting to spend time with her, which I believe is a big show.

Everyone says maybe I am too good for him, that he had to go find someone on his level. Maybe so, but it still really hurts to be rejected. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

((((SM05))))

Yes I can't agree more, it is very frustrating. I too have had family and friends tell me WBF is not worth getting upset over, it is really easy for other people to say this kind of stuff, they aren't emotionally involved. What you are going through is greiving, and everyone does it at their own pace, you greive what you had, what you have now and what the future should have been. Good days and not so good days. I realised that after a while I was having more good days than not so good days, but on the good days I wasn't exactly jumping for joy either - maybe that will come soon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The rejection is very personal and I found that hard to deal with, especially since I feel he has rejected DD too, although he says he hasn't, but he is not there for her 24 x 7 and has chosen a life with someone else. DD didn't factor in his decision making very much at all, but I am seeing glimpses that he is bonding with DD, but no change in his A status.

My WBF OW is very attractive, so I can't say that he dumped me for trash, that would certainly be easier to combat if it were true!

Keep up what you are doing, I think you are doing wonderfully, you understood what you needed to do very early on, and that can only help your situation.
Take care

I understand how you feel Sadmommy. I am not real angry or even real hurt. I am [email]d@mn[/email] well insulted and I am also in need of some rational explanation (which I will never get). There is also the irritation of having to change my life plan at WH's whim. And there is that feeling that this is all just so stupid. WH will never be happy, no matter who he is shacking up with until he gets his head straight. So this is an exercise in futility that is hurting my children.

Yep, Jean. I feel like I need an explanation, too. I think I have posted on here before that I like knowing what's coming next and I like for things to be logical and make sense. My IC said I will probably never get an explanation, b/c normal, healthy people don't do what WH has done/is doing. IC said I can't wrap my brain around this b/c it is so illogical, that there is no sense to it.

Jean, you really hit the nail on the head about feeling insulted and irritated at having to change the whole plan based on a WH's whim. But I do also feel very angry and hurt about the betrayal/rejection.

NZgirl, thanks for the vote of encouragement. I really doubt myself sometimes, especially after a particularly unpleasant encounter with WH.

I just try to keep telling myself that I did nothing wrong, that I am a good mother, that this is WH's fault and his problem. Still doesn't make feel any better about what it does/will do to DD, although that pales in comparison to what your OD is going through, Jean. (((Jean'sOD)))

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you, hope you had a good day.

Thanks Jean. I hope you're doing OK.

Tonight was H's night with DD, and he seemed more pleasant. When he came to pick her up, we talked about what we had each gotten her for Christmas. He asked what kind of clothes she needed and sizes.

When I picked her up, we both talked about all the cute things she is doing now. He showed me what he had bought for her. I asked if he wanted his special Christmas ornaments, he said he does, even though he "can't afford a tree." Be proud of me, b/c I didn't say what I was thinking, that "you'll probably just put them on OW's tree."

He said he wants to switch nights in a couple weeks b/c he's got an office Christmas party to go to on his usual night (wouldn't want to be inconvenienced with a baby, you know... that gets in the way of drinkin'!). He asked if he could see her again Friday night, and said he wanted to see her Sunday instead of Saturday. I have a feeling it's b/c of the big college football championship game... OW is really big into our alma mater's team and I'm sure they'll either be going to the game in the big city or at least watching it together.

Regardless, I was good. Didn't say anything about that. Stressed again that I'm not trying to keep him from her or limit their time together, that I'm concerned w/her routine. He said all he wanted was 3x a week. I told him that my lawyer had written a letter to his lawyer offering that. He said he hadn't talked to his lawyer much b/c she's been ill. He said he'd take my offer into consideration.

And I don't have to deal with him again until Sunday. Whew!

I don't know what it is, but I got so unbelievably sad tonight as DD was splashing around in the tub being as cute can be. I guess it's because I can't stop thinking about how all these wonderful things she's doing, all the wonderful changes that happen every day with her, are all things that H and I were going to share as a family. Then I started thinking about everything we won't get to do with her... no family vacations to the beach or Disney World. No Christmas morning with mommy and daddy together. And so much more. I tried to take her to the downtown Christmas parade this evening but it was so crowded I gave up trying to find a parking space so we came back home.

I'm just feeling really down and worn out. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this. Even though the WH is a total jerk, I miss my H. I worry that I'm going to be alone for a very long time, which really scares me. Since I'm the one taking care of DD, how the heck am I going to find the time to go anywhere where normal grown-ups go? I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone else. Even if I did, I don't know if I could do it.

I feel so isolated. My best friends down the street have moved away. All I have in town are co-workers, as my other non-work friends live out of town or even out of state. I have no family in town. Closest are my two younger brothers, who live an hour away. WHAT DO I DO??????

Sad:

It is in my "compulsive" nature to "fix" things and reading your post above is even "tough" for an uncompassionate harda$$ like me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. Sometimes there are no immediate answers...only more questions. But even that is ok. All of the things you feel would probably overcome me as well if I was in your shoes.

I wish I had answers, but right now, I will just say a prayer for you and your Daughter.....this will pass, but I know you don't even want to hear that now. A good cry (which I am sure you have had plenty already) would be appropiate now.

Wishing you alot of luck in the New Year.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Lem

Thank you, Lem. I just needed to reach out to someone tonight. Just knowing that someone is out there reading what I have to say helps a little.

I tried calling my mom, but she's got her own issues to deal with.

Were listening.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, ok? Try to deal with just this hour in your life.....and then deal with the next hour. Surf the net, do something...somehow, someway you will get over the profound sadness you have at this moment. You can only deal with right here and now....I think you know this all ready, but even the most "expert" of us, need a ((( )))) sometimes.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You will do just fine. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Your down feelings are just temporary, and they will pass.

One of the great joys of having a child is enjoying that child with someone you love. So you have reason to be a tad bit sad. But don't let it color your life.

(((Sadmommy)))

Must be something in the air tonight. I think I have been doing pretty good emotionally, and for some reason, about an hour ago, a just suddenly got weepy.

But it passed, the weepy spurts are further apart and shorter in duration. I think it was Peachy's post that bummed me out. Just this reality and that it is so obvious to everyone but the WS, this is all so freakin stupid. All this pain and heartache and the kids...

But I am starting to get to the point where I feel this is not all for nothing. My WH will feel like crap one day, sooner or later, and I will be able to thank him for his waywardness - my ticket to getting out. I could work my butt off for recovery, but I am pretty sure he is not worth it anymore.

If you buy into weird health food store stuff, I use Bach's Remedies for occasional mood funkiness. I use Mustard for the Weepiness and Rescue Remedy for full blown freaking out. I also take Salmon Oil everyday since D-Day, it seems to be keeping depression at bay.

Give DD a big hug, I just love fat babies splashing in the tub!

I feel like I do an OK job handling it most of the time. Most of the time I feel like what you said, believer. But then, there are times like tonight when I feel profoundly sad and lonely.

I guess I should be proud of myself for the way I have handled it so far. No angry outbursts, no screaming fits, no throwing things at WH. No smashing any windshields or anything, no angry confrontations with OW.

I still can't believe this is happening, I guess.

{{{{{{SM}}}}}}

I'm sorry you are feeling so down - just wanted to let you know we are all here feeling your pain. I completely understand how you feel.......It's o.k. And a good cry does sometimes help.....

I remember a couple of weeks ago when I was crying incontrollably. I just had to let it out --- After I put on some crazy music and danced & sang as loud as I could. Just let it out. Music does help....I know it's too late to do that now since DD is probably snoozing.

I wish you were closer than an hour away.

It will get better. I think that's one thing us BS's really think about so much - what the WH is missing. Do they think about it at all??

We are all thinking about you.

Kim

Sadmommy,

I have walked your walk and know how hard it is. My now XH is an alcoholic working on sobriety, so I know how the drinking plays in. XH began his A when DS was 2 months old. He left to live with OW in another country when DS was 10 months old. He returned when son was 13 months old and, then, we divorced and he went back to live with OW in another country when DS was 18 months old. Until DS was almost 3, he woke 5-8 times a night needing to be rocked back to sleep. I was exhausted ALL the time. I thought all the same things you have expressed here and cried. It is VERY hard. I, too, live no where near any family and have very few non-work friends...My local support system consists of 1 person. Great, huh? The good news is - I am quite happy now. DS, who is now 4, and I have a phenomenal bond. He is very well-adjusted. I have made him my life and, you know what? I like our life very much!

Where are you located? What support systems are available to you there?

BB