Hang in there Mommy. This is exactly the way things go. His affair will not last. Right now he is all fogged out. I suggest you refrain from relationship talk. It is only going to make you sad.

Yeah, I know. And I've been really good about this for a while now. Haven't said anything to him other than important parent stuff, for a month now.

I guess I just feel that everything is piling up. Man, I am so hurt by the way he acted today. It's just so hard to accept that the man I have loved for more than 11 years has become this awful, horrible mean person.

I'm sure he and OW are laughing it up tonight at my expense, while I sit here excruciatingly sad...

Consider him a drug addict. It is very hard to take their coldness. I couldn't believe that the good man I knew for 15 years turned into a heartless monster. But that is how they get.

Right now, he has no feelings for you. That is just the way it is. Accept that fact. Don't blame yourself, because it probably has little to do with you.

Have you read HurtinginOkla's thread "what we all need to read" (or something like that)? It is great.

Yes, I took a look at that thread.

I try to think to myself, "mental illness" to explain WH's cruel actions. My counselor says healthy, mature people don't act the way he is. *Sigh* It doesn't help much.

I guess I'm just extra sad b/c of Christmas coming. We had so many expectations and plans for this year. I was so looking forward to it, b/c it's DD's first. Besides, it was lousy last year, b/c it was the first one w/o my dad. Two bad ones in a row? It's just not fair.

Plus, I'm afraid my future holiday seasons will be tainted by bad memories b/c of what we're going through right now. Sorry for the vent, but I'm just sick with sadness tonight. I still just can't believe it. I mean, I told him how much weight I've lost, that I had to go see a nutritionist for crying out loud, because of the stress. It just floors me that he doesn't care.

Your counselor is wrong. When people get into an affair, they go bonkers. I used to say it was like that movie "The Body Snatchers". They look the same, but have completely changed.

And affairs happen to good people. We had two men in our church leave their wives this year for another woman. One was a pastor, the other the head of the young-married group.

After D-day, my WH came over for something, and I was crying and begging him to spend 5 minutes talking to me. He didn't have the time - he walked by me very coldly and out the door. Pre D-day, he would spend hours talking with anyone - addicts, the mentally ill, guys in prison, even probably would have talked to Hitler.

The more time you spend trying to figure this out, the sadder you will be. Expect him to behave coldly and without honor.

Thanks for spending some time responding to me tonight, believer.

I'm really feeling overwhelmed by this whole thing. The stress is wearing me down. What I wouldn't give to just have someone here who could hold me and let me cry on their shoulder for a little while. I'm having a tough time b/c I don't have any family here, other than DD, and the friends that I'm closest to don't live here in town, either. I'm feeling really alone, and it's hard to believe that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Rationally, I know there MUST be, b/c I can't be this sad forever. I felt like my world ended when Dad died, but it didn't. So rationally, I can understand things will be better eventually, but emotionally, not so much.

(((Sadmommy)))

{{{SadMommy}}}

I've spent 2 nights reading this entire thread... I'm so impressed by YOU, and by all the wonderful caring people here.

Not hijacking your thread... my sitch is different.. but I filed and followed through to PROTECT myself and my children from my XH's irresponsibility. Long story short - we separated over his mental illness and addiction, I entered another relationship 7 months post-separation, and then he did too. I realized that I wanted my H and family back and ended it with OM. Talked with H about reconciliation - he finally had stabilized on Anti-Ds and had quit much of his destructive behavior - but then while entertaining reconciliation with me, he paid OW RENT! He can't afford his own rent...

There's no shame in filing to protect yours and you DD's interests.

I haven't given up on my H... I spent some time in that fog - whether it happens within the M or without (as in after separation)... the fog is what it is. I know a bit about the fog. My H is in it now, but I'm sensing that his long-distance romance may be winding down - he even brought her here the same week as our D (which was final on the 7th). We'd even talked about postponing it - and the day I was going to put it on hold I found out about his paying her rent - so I went through with it - to protect my kids and myself... support comes right off his pay so he can't spend it first.

Even though I filed, D was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to "scare him straight" (get him treatment for his depression and off recreational drugs)... he did that but then moved into an online romance. I'm sure that will burn itself out eventually and hopefully THEN when the fog lifts he may take another look at what he's tossing. If not, my kids and I will be OK... I'm struggling with it but I'm trying very hard to give it over to God. I pray that XH will give himself over to God and if it's His will, we work things out - but God may have other plans, and He definitely has His own schedule. Human nature makes it hard to deal with - but the more I do give it over, the easier each day gets.

I'm in GA too - I took the parenting class and got a LOT out of it. XH didn't bother. D was finalized but he can't enforce visitation until he does take it. I haven't withheld visitation (not good for kids) but if he doesn't take it by the time he told the judge he'd take it (in January), I may have to ask my attorney what I should do. I think if XH takes the course he may understand my own motivations a bit better, concerning safeguarding myself and the kids.

I am in your corner, SadMommy - so much of what you've posted rings so true to me, even though my circumstances are somewhat different, I can very much identify with a lot of what you're feeling. One day you're hopeful, another day you're devastated... I so completely understand that.

I'll keep you in my prayers that God gives you some inner peace. You're doing fine - you're dealing with it day in and day out. God doesn't give us more than we can handle... as tough as that may seem.

Take care of you - and if you need another GA friend, shoot me a PM. I'm not a "native" (I'm not even American!) but I've lived here for 5 years and I'm proud to call this place my home now.

God bless you, your DD, your WS, that God will move his heart, and all the loving supportive people here. They have been a Godsend to me here too.

H2U

Thank you so much for those kind words, H2U. This site has been a blessing... to know that I'm not alone even though it sure feels that way.

Regarding OWs and rent, it'll be interesting to see what happens these next few days. I heard from someone that OW is on the verge of getting kicked out for not paying rent. I wonder what'll happen, since WH co-signed her lease a few weeks before he moved out, w/out telling me I might add. I don't think she has anyplace to go other than WH's. That would make things interesting for the divorce.

The only thing I got out of the parenting class was reinforcement that I don't want to put DD through this. It's going to be a long road for her. I don't know what WH got out of it. He's trying to be a "good dad" and make sure that I notice. I feel like he'll end up one of those Disney dads.

Well, if he co-signed, he will end up paying whatever OW owes. My WH co-signed for my step-kids mom years ago, and we ended up paying $3,000. We had to pay for the back rent, and the landlord's attorney to keep our credit good.

Ugh, that would be bad for DD and me, too. The suspense is killing me. I'm wondering if what I heard about her being behind in rent is true.

Welcome H2u you will have to come to the next Atlanta get together.

Sad all I can to is commiserate with you. I have been down in the dumps too. If you could email me some of what you learned in the parenting class I would appreciate it. My wh hasn't seen or talked to the kids for 3 weeks now and its eating me alive. DS is acting up a little and I don't know what to do about it I am hurting inside and I know he is but I can't get him to talk about it.

I know your beautiful little girl will be fine through all this. You are are great mom.

tdr

Drifting a bit off-topic for a second...

Friends/aquaintances who had taken the parenting course said it was lame. I suppose it depends on what sort of frame of mind you go into it with. I figured it was just another formality of the divorce - but I went in with an open mind.

Honestly I wish I'd taken the course right after we separated because I would have been aware of some stupid mistakes I made later on. I knew not to bring a new relationship into my children's lives until I thought it had long-term potential - but in hindsight - while I waited several (10) months in, I wish I hadn't at all. I wasn't ready (even though I thought I was) and the man I chose wasn't right for me. Fortunately I have great kids and they don't seem to have been adversely affected but when my XH brought his online g/f to town the week of our D, I let him know I did not want her to meet the kids and that brought a lot of grief from XH.

Personally I believe that this romance of his will burn out (I have a feeling it's gone that way already, or it's in the dying stages), but rather than put it to him that way, I simply stated the facts... the divorce put a lot of stress on the kids, despite a year + separation, they still had hope of reconciliation and we continued to do family stuff together (which I've put a stop to - we are divorced now, he chose g/f over reconciliation so he has to live with that). I had spoken with H prior to the D about postponing it and perhaps giving the M one more try (dating etc, MC - the children were NOT privvy to this! -... not like I was asking him to move home immediately) - he said he was considering it, but was unsure if he was ready for *any* relationship (and I think that was the most honest thing he's said to me in years), but then he turned around and paid G/F rent and bought her a plane ticket. I saw that as an enormous threat to mine and the kids' financial security, and proceeded with the D to protect my kids' support and my own interests. I told him that nerves were too raw for them to meet G/F right *now* and on her (cough) *next visit* (which I doubt will ever happen) they will have a longer term relationship and the kids will be more likely to accept her. If the relationship lasts, this will be true - but I doubt it will ever come to that - at least with this G/F. So I saved my kids from getting "attached" to somebody else who is probably transient in their lives.

H gave me grief but IF he'd taken HIS course, he'd have a better understanding of that. Honestly I think on some level he knew I was right about this - because he didn't undermine me or even press me too hard about it once I explained myself and not wanting to see him repeat the same mistake I made. I'm sure initially he saw it as a double standard - but I truly learned a hard lesson, and I did not want the kids being hurt again.

The course deals with how to parent kids through a divorce, but it also deals with many of the emotional ups and downs we go through as adults ending a marriage. I asked questions, talked with the counsellors during the breaks - I took more than my $30 worth out of the course, and I'm actually glad the state mandates it. It's too bad that some people can't be bothered to take it - plenty in court the day of my D, hadn't bothered and the judge wasn't terribly sympathetic - even denied divorces to couples where the custodial parent hadn't completed the course - "Come back when you've taken the course!" (Good for you, Judge!)

Moving back on topic, SM05, hopefully your WH will open his mind and realize some of the destructive things he's doing, from that course. Hopefully you've gained some powerful tools too. Like I said I wish I'd taken it early on - but hindsight's 20/20.

My XH is *supposed* to take his course in January. He's known he's had to take it since August, but I guess his kids weren't important enough to spend 5 hours of his life there. He sees the kids - I haven't stopped his visitation even though legally he has no rights to at the moment - that wouldn't be fair to the kids -but they know he hasn't taken his course, and they are very disappointed in him about it. AND they don't feel comfortable talking to him or asking him why - they asked me - I told them I didn't know why he didn't do it - they need to ask him.

I'm grateful that God has made me a decent mother - super-mom I'm not - but I have great kids and I think I/we have raised them well (they lived with me alone for 2 years during the M when H took work here in ATL and it took us that long to sell house back where we came from - he came home once a month). So I've been the parent that was always there - and they feel comfortable talking to me about anything.

SM05, you too, will cultivate that kind of relationship with your DD - in years to come, be there, tell her she can talk to you about *anything*... and she will. My DD internalizes a lot - like her father, DS is an open book, like me -- however last week DD came to me and told me that a boy asked her to go steady for the first time - and she turned him down - she said she's not ready (WHEW!)... you can't earn that kind of relationship on weekend visitation, and I'm relieved that she was comfortable enough to come to me about it because I was able to talk her through her feelings and make the right decision about it for her, right now. DD is your world - now and always. Everything you do, you must do for her, and for yourself. It will pay off big-time in the years to come. Your WH has no idea what he's missing - and it's HIS loss, whether he ever realizes it or not. HE cannot get back the time he's lost - her first tooth, first steps - shame on him for that. Those moments are once in a lifetime, and he blew it for a cheap thrill <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'd have a hard time getting past that, and it's a great tragedy for all of you that he is that selfish. I will pray for him, as I pray for my XH, that one day God touches his heart, and both men (and all WS) turn their lives over to God and right whatever wrongs they can. Pity him - but not at your own expense.

SM05, you WILL get through this - you WILL get stronger. You and DD will be just fine.

I haven't given up on the possibility of a future with my XH... it's not going to happen right now, but I do believe there is still enough left to build on with our business relationship etc., that when *he* is ready (and I'm working on being ready) IF it's God's will that we come back togehter, we'll both be whole. And if it's not God's plan to have us reunite, I will be whole for whomever that right person is - and I'll recognize those that aren't.

It's hard -- and like I said I understand very much what you are going through -- I can't imagine doing it with an infant/toddler - you are my HERO because you're managing.

Money stuff - you've done what you had to do to protect what you can - do your best and God will provide for you. He hasn't let me down yet, although He's freaked me out a few times *g*... but have faith - you will get there. We're here to help each other too.

Peace,

H2U

Thank you, H2U. I really needed to hear some encouraging words like that. I know all the time I invest in my relationship with DD will pay exponentially. It's still really hard, and man, when she does cute stuff it's all I can do not to fall apart b/c I think about how we should be sharing these moments as a family.

Your course was 5 hours? Ours was only 2, and frankly I didn't get much out of it. I guess b/c DD is still so young. They basically showed video scenarios of the four things that really mess kids up and told us not to do those things (don't use your kid as a messenger, don't put down your ex in front of the kid, don't quiz your kid on your ex's life, and the money stresses).

The counselor was really cool, and she gave a presentation, but to me, it was common sense stuff. I didn't really learn anything. I doubt Wh did, either, but it renewed his "super dad" attempts.

I'm really bummed out tonight. Found out that Mom and her BF won't be coming down for Christmas b/c of his job. I was so looking forward to having them here. Am crushed.

Also found out that my brothers are having some serious problems. DB1 finally got a job, as DB2 has been supporting him since August. They have been really struggling. DB1 isn't chipping in on expenses, and they got an eviction notice. DB2 had to use his Christmas bonus to pay the landlord, and DB1 didn't even offer to help. DB2's car is in desperate need of a brake job, but he's flat broke. Meanwhile, DB1 has been blowing his paychecks.... he has a new GF who is known to smoke pot. Given his history of drugs/alcohol, nothing good can come of this.

I know they are grown men and should be responsible enough to sink or swim on their own, but I still feel awful. If WH was still here, he would be helping DB2 fix his car and would be giving DB1 a good talking-to. As it stands now, I am in position to help them in any way. I guess that's why I haven't heard from them lately... they probably don't want to trouble me anymore than I already am.

Sounds like DB2 needs to develop some boundaries. This needs to be his problem, not yours. But you can be very supportive.

Hi SM -

Sorry to hear your Mom won't make it Christmas, I know you were really looking forward to that.

Do you (and tdr) think we should plan another ATL MB get together?

If there is interest, I'll be glad to work on it. Perhaps in January.

Georgia

I agree with you 100%, believer. Hope you guys don't mind if I do a little OT vent here for a minute:

DB2 has a habit of calling Mom to complain about DB1, and she will ask him why he doesn't talk to him. She says he has a hard time talking to DB2. Very weird. Sounds like they BOTH need a 2x4.

I'm afraid to call them, b/c I don't know what I would say... tempting to scream at DB1, "WTF are you doing?!" Mom says that they got an eviction notice the other day, and DB1 was like, "huh." As in, oh well. Didn't even offer to help so DB2 had to use his whole Christmas bonus for it instead of fixing his brakes. Then DB1 gripes about not having money b/c he hasn't cashed his paycheck yet, and DB2 says, "I only have $20 to my name." What's really sad is that DB2, the one who's supporting DB1, is the younger of the two. You would think that at 25 years old, DB1 would be a little more mature.

DB1 even asked DB2 when the lease is up b/c "they need a 2-bedroom apartment." DB2 doesn't want to live with him anymore. So DB1 will probably end up on the street. I can't do anything about it... sure don't need him living with me and DD, smoking

Mom worries about them so much and so do I, but I told her last night, they are grown men (well, ages 21 and 25). They are old enough to know better. I know she feels guilty for living so far away (800+ miles). Sigh, I am so tired of being the grown-up in our family. I've been the go-to adult for them since she moved away and Dad died, but I always had H's support which was a huge help.

Now I feel like my whole family is on self-destruct and there's nothing that I can do about it.

"I'm really feeling overwhelmed by this whole thing. The stress is wearing me down. What I wouldn't give to just have someone here who could hold me and let me cry on their shoulder for a little while."

OMG Sad I feel like that all the time. There are days where I just wish I could curl up and have someone hold me. I get my fix my snuggling up next to my kids when they are sleeping.

FGG another Atlanta get together would be great.

tdr

I'll work on it.... family friendly type of setting....

OMG!!! Just got a call from the attorney saying there's a hearing scheduled for Thursday a.m. He was caught off guard... the order for it was signed two weeks ago and the clerk screwed up and just faxed it today. He's got a scheduling conflict.

Also, a new letter from WH's attorney about visitation... WH wants to totally change what we've been doing... 2x evenings during the week and 6.5 hours on Sunday afternoon. The weekday evenings are completely opposite what I suggested. Looks like if it goes this way, I'll have to give up my dance class, which is the one thing I do for myself. Plus, he's saying he wants her for 4.5 hours each on Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day. AFTER he agreed to seeing her at the house on Christmas Day. I am so upset I am shaking.