BTW, I have a pretty active thread on DivorceBusting.

I was thinking that you might want to start doing some fun things that will be a combination of you Getting A Life and messing with his head.

1. After XMas sales. Look for some sexy low-cut shirts on sale and stock up. You can wear them whenever he comes over. I know you think he doesn't care, but trust me, he'll notice.

2. Continue to get in shape. WALKING, WALKING, we're WALKING. I have personally dropped 25 lbs just from walking. My waste has gone from 37 to 33. I started lifting weights and added 20lbs to my bench press. My chest is bigger, my arms are bigger, my waist is smaller. I tan once a week. I LOOK GOOD.

3. I found a calm place. My wife has noticed. She has made comments. 'You are different.' 'Calmer'. 'You seem to be letting me go.' Yes and No. I'll be OK. I'll be great. I still want her back. But, not if she doesn't want me.

4. GO ON A DATE. Lot's of people will advise against it. Sorry, I'm breaking from that. You DESERVE attention. You DESERVE to be treated like an attractive and interesting person. Once you feel attractive and desirable and interesting, your emotions will change, because you will have CONFIDENCE and higher SELF-ESTEEM. You don't have to get emotionally involved to HAVE FUN. It's a special kind of having fun when somebody shows a romantic interest.

5. Change the house. Even if you are going to move. Start to make it your house. Move the furniture, paint a room, change the throw pillows. It doesn't have to be expensive. Get out the sewing machine and do it yourself. Borrow a sewing machine; tons of people have them and don't use them.

6. Start the process of selling the house. You can't afford it. Start looking for something you can afford. You need to do these activities to get your heart to LET GO. As long as you don't do these activities he will see you as desperate to hold on. Desperate is NOT ATTRACTIVE.

7. Get a new activity. The belly dancing was great. But, how about Salsa Dancing. That takes a partner. You will be in close contact with someone. You can wear sexy skirts and shoes, and it is SO MUCH FUN. Just by having someone hold your waist and hand you will feel attractive. This man will look down and see that low cut shirt and he won't be able to think straight. You look back and you smile that coquetish smile that you put in the closet.

8. I've lost track, but has he taken all of his stuff? ALL OF IT? If not, box it and give it to him. Go through the pictures, split them up, and hand them to him.
'ba Bye.

9. Be a little late picking up DD. Time is just getting away from you. "I'm so sorry. We just got caught up talking." It'll drive him nuts. Who cares if you get him back, it'll be fun just to make him jealous.

Gotta Go. I've been thinking about you.

SadMommy, I agree with 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8 & 9... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am in the exact same situation. I have a post in General II titled Is he Cheating. I am a new mother of a 9 month old whose H has moved out. He says he is just friends with this woman, I don't believe him. I have "exposed" him as much as I can, but I fear that he will hate me forever if I tell anyone else.

He is not admitting to anything, but making up crazy silly stories - no one would believe them.

I totally feel your pain. I want my marriage to work, and he syas he does as well, but I don't buy it. It will never trust the dude again and I am so mad at him for that.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!! i wish you continueed luck and love. Please send yours my way and if you have any advice for me, please let me know!!

Alison

Oh, Allison! I'm so sorry for you and your baby! It is awful, isn't it?

Hey, Hardhead, I was wondering what had happened to you. Read your post on the Divorced/Divorcing forum here.. sorry to hear about what's going on with you. I haven't been to DivorceBusting in a while, not since I got locked out of my thread.

As far as your suggestions, I agree with most of them, except for the date thing. But I AM going to a party tonight, so there's something different. At least I'll be getting out. And I'll be meeting some new people. One of my coworkers, who works in another unit/office and I've never hung out with, is hosting. Of course, WH said he couldn't have DD with him tonight, although he said he doesn't have any plans for New Year's Eve. So she's coming with me. The hostess said DD could sleep in a spare bedroom. Hate to have to bring her, but I couldn't find a sitter, either.

Ahhh... I got energetic this afternoon when I put DD down for her nap. Packed up Christmas and rearranged the living room. Looks good, and now DD will have more room to play. The bedroom is next!

I want some of that cleaning energy to rub off on me!! How was the party?

*Sigh* I ended up not going. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I even had a babysitter!! My neighbor down the street called a few hours before the party and wanted to see what we were doing. I told her we were going to a party, and she said she'd watch DD for me. So DD and I went to her house to hang out for an hour or so before it was time for me to leave. When it was time for me to leave, and DD's bedtime, we couldn't get her to go to sleep. She just screamed and screamed whenever I put her down. My neighbor tried rocking her to sleep, it didn't work.

I know, I probably should have just gone, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So DD and I came back home. I rang in the new year quietly. DD was sleeping blissfully in her crib, and I sat up in my newly arranged living room with a glass of wine on the phone with Mom. I didn't feel upset or anything... very peaceful.

Yesterday, however, wasn't so great. WH came to get DD for the afternoon, and I invited him over today since we're both off work, so he could spend more time with DD. He said he'd have to call me later. He called me after DD went to bed and we talked on the phone for 40 minutes.

He wants me to sit down and agree to a settlement with him, b/c he says he can't afford to continue paying me as much as he is. Says our current situation is not sustainable. He said he has to put stuff on his credit card and hasn't been able to pay it down. I asked him why he charged so much in the months before he left... new mattresses, diamond earrings for me, a $2500 lawn tractor. He said he was trying to compensate, trying to make himself happy b/c he was so unhappy.

I told him that I wasn't sure about it, b/c anytime I have mentioned things that he doesn't agree with, he balks.

I asked him why he's such a pain about visitation, why he insisted on the exact opposite of what I offered, and he said it was b/c he feels I'm being vindictive.

Got off the phone and cried. Feeling very sad about this whole thing...

Haha. I can relate to not living your baby. I didn't get a babysitter for my first until he was 2 years old. Chances are she would be just fine with a sitter AFTER you were gone. But if you are uncomfortable, why leave her?

Good job on rearranging things. Now try to tackle the bedroom. I did lots of organizing and cleaning after D-day. It felt GOOD.

I wouldn't discuss divorce with your husband. Tell him this is all so new to you, that you just can't think about it yet.

((Sadmommy))

I am not sure where you and WH are with the divorce thingy, everybody lawyered up and what not. Here is my feeling on the "let's settle nicely" thing, since my WH has realized that this is going to get expensive and is saying the same thing. I just can't figure how to say this to WH without sounding all judgemental and b*tchy and stuff:

WH, Working things out to mutually benefit all persons in the family is a great idea and I miss the days where me and my H could do that. However, due to the changes in circumstances, I have had to restructure the teams. Me and family (DD) are a team and you and skanky troll are a team. I am sure that your team has your back and I will do what is best for my team.

Now, my WH made the mistake of saying when he left "I have never thought more clearly in my whole life", so when he starts to complain about how uncomfortable this is financially, I just say that I thought he had this all worked out in his moments of blissful clarity. But I am a snippy b*tch so don't do what I did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SadMommy,
I was repeatedly assured that I would be (well the girls would be) well "taken care of" in the divorce - IF I remained amicable and did everything his way. A good friend told me the smartest most accurate thing ever early on, "Yes, he will be nice about the divorce. As long as everything goes his way. Put your foot down about anything, and see him change."

OW had a lot of money. H & I had a lot of debt. WH's big plan to make sure me and DDs were okay relied a lot on OW's money & future support of him. See, if they were together, then he wouldn't need anything for himself... I had the epiphany one day than any plans for my financial future that relied on H's good judgement and promises and OW's generosity and goodwill was a faulty plan (At Best!)

And you can about imagine how generous WH felt when I filed for D, and he decided he didn't want to be with OW after all, and quit his job to do NC with her, and was living in his sister's tiny attic, driving an expensive leased car that he had bought in his name only during our separation, and the necessary child support he was going to pay in order to keep the kids in the home he had promised them they could stay in was going to be based on his prior year's income? Those were not good times for H, and suddenly he "wanted his half" of everything.

My attorney had great advice, that stopped all sorts of bickering by us - file for divorce and let everything sit & digest for A FEW MONTHS. WH & I had done tons and tons of spreadsheets about possessions, the house, child support, etc etc and it hurt my feelings and upset me every time. OW would make snide comments on my spreadsheets and he would send them back to me, and I would think they were his comments, and etc etc... bad all around.

ANY WAY, you have an attorney, he has an attorney. He will try to assure you how much cheaper all of this will be if you "mediate" or "agree on things ahead of time" - that may be true, but if he isn't being reasonable I wouldn't bother. Reasonable in his terms means him giving you everything since he abandoned you and a newborn baby for another woman. What a louse.

Jean36 is right, they are a team and your WH is NOT on your side. That's what your lawyer is there for, to protect you. Do you have confidence in your attorney?

If you don't want to act "b*tchy & stuff" (good quote, Jean), then just act innocent & overwhelmed. "Gee, I will think about that. I don't know. I think I better talk to John about this (your lawyer, whatever his name is.) I'll consider that. This is all just so upsetting to me, it's so hard to think straight or know what to do. I just want to make sure that DD and I can survive. I don't know. Maybe we should just leave it to the judge, I don't know."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


To be perfectly honest, I have a hidden agenda here. I want as little damage done to the feelings between you and your H about the money, visitation, the house, etc because I hope someday you two are in recovery. These issues where he hurt you so intentionally and was so blatantly selfish are hard to overcome. The less you talk and argue and cry about it all now, the less there is to overcome later. There has been enough hurt and damage to overcome already, and adding more to the pile is not desirable.

MSA

Thanks, Mrs. Stowaway. You hit the nail on the head with the idea of a WH being agreeable as long as things go his way. AI know that firsthand. As soon as I wanted to change the visitation, he showed his true colors. Now he claims that he's being so inflexible and hard to deal with b/c I'm being vindictive, and he's doing this all for "DD's sake." Which I don't buy for a minute.

Your suggestion is basically what I told WH... that I wasn't sure right now about sitting down to talk. I told him I needed to be sure that DD's best interests are protected. I will talk with the attorney sometime this week and see what he recommends. Who knows, he may tell me to see what WH is willing to offer.

I'm proud of myself, b/c I waited until AFTER we hung up to cry. We actually talked like civilized people.

The attorney said not to sit down to talk with WH about a "resolution." The attorney and I will be meeting next week to talk about what I want out of this. He asked me to do an inventory list of stuff in the house.

I just got back from the garage. Sheesh, I had no idea we have two leaf blowers. Then there's the brand new tiller and lawn tractor, not to mention the weedeater, chainsaw and all that other stuff. Made me sad, thinking about all the intentions behind that stuff, to make our yard, OUR yard, beautiful.

This really does feel like a death, a life interrupted with unfinished business. Very sad...

It is SO sad. I know it's just stuff, but it's what the stuff represents, like you say - a life interrupted.

This should have been the happiest year, with DD and you and your H. You got robbed. Absolutely robbed. You have handled this all with great strength and real class. You should be really proud of yourself, and I'll speak for your DD when I say THANK YOU MOMMY. She doesn't know what you have done for her, my kids don't really know what I did for them, but she is grateful for your love and dedication, your strength, and your self-respect. You are a great example to her.

I'm so sorry he's being such an immature a*s. It's so unfair. God knows it's not fair; and you know I feel sorry for your H in that sense. I can't help it; he's dug himself a really really big hole... reaches all the way to hel[. I hope he repents before he gets there. In many respects, he's already there. God wants GOOD things for us - love, peace, joy, kindness, harmony, self-sacrifice and generosity. Your WH has trashed all the good that God wants for him in his life and replaced it with anger, chaos, selfishness, and anxiety. I hope he sees that someday soon and comes to his senses.

God has a great plan for you and DD. Being a writer, I'm sure you've reflected on all this... what have you learned about yourself & life & God thru all this? THOSE are the lessons WH can't take away.

MSA

You know, Mrs. S... funny you should say I was robbed. I was reflecting on that last night, actually. I was sitting there, thinking about how this was supposed to be the best, most exciting year...sharing all of DD's firsts and new discoveries. But I have been so preoccupied and upset about WH's craziness, that I feel like I haven't been able to fully enjoy this first year with DD. That magical first year will be gone in a few weeks, and we will never get it back. I'm very angry about that. I realized last night that I don't even have any video of DD crawling, let alone cruising the furniture and taking steps! I was writing in a journal for her, but I've let that fall by the wayside, too, in favor of a venting journal about the divorce.

WH has stolen so much from DD and me, and himself and both our families for that matter.... I wonder if he will ever realize that?

He might... he probably will at some point.

You know, I was in the same shoes, my little one was in precious kindergarten, my older in 5th grade, and I was so obsessed with the affair, what was happening to my M, trying to protect them, figure out WH, decide what to do next, the A was all I could or wanted to think about 24/7. I FORCED myself to do things with my parents with the girls, the beach reminded me of WH & OW because of all their vacations, but I did it anyway, my girls love the beach. Camping. The zoo. The school functions. We did it all. I did it all with a knot in my stomach, but we did it.

Finally as time went on I made a decision to be the best Mom, being a single parent, that I could be. I took the little one out on her bike, spent time with the older one, made sure they had the breakfast, got their homework done, let them have friends over & sleepover parties, just tried to make things as good for them as possible. I put more effort into parenting then than I do now! But I can look back and say that I pulled it together and minimized the effects of his A on them to the greatest extent possible.

There's only so much you can do about the D at this point; maybe refocus and make sure at least 1/2 your time is in DD's journal... believe me, you'll MUCH prefer to look at that in 5-20 years then your D journal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have a great day, I'm off to work...

MSA

Uh oh... WH called me this evening saying I had violated the domestic relations order by taking him off my health insurance. Open enrollment was back in October, and we had talked about him coming off my plan. So I took him off in October, but the last time I accessed the online enrollment site, it was the day I filed for divorce. That, coincidentally, was the day I printed off my confirmation. So now it looks like I filed for divorce and took him off, even though that change happened two weeks before I filed.

Can I get in trouble for this? What's the worst that can happen? He said his attorney had been trying to call mine all day and that she told him to call me. However, I talked to mine, and he said she hadn't tried to contact him all day. Is WH just yanking my chain? I don't know what to think... please, somebody say something positive!!

Bump

In our state, the spouse would need to stay on the insurance until the divorce was final; and the D would spell out which parent was responsible for insuring the child.

Talk to your HR dept and your attorney. If he wasn't supposed to come off the plan, it may be possible for HR to write a letter to the insurance co requesting a policy exception explaining that he was removed in error if this is the case.

Don't let him freak you out, if it happened and wasn't supposed to happen (and plus you said the two of you had discussed it, did you know he did not have other insurance?) it can probably be corrected... just stay calm and get the the facts.

MSA

SadMommy, RELAX. Enjoy the moment. You got him all riled up. You controlled...something. He doesn't control everything. It's delicious.

Hey big boy...go get your own health insurance.

Sorry, I called the health insurance company and enrollment is closed. My bad. I am really very sorry. I don't know how that could have happened. Again, I'm really sorry. But, there's nothing I can do.

He has a full-time job. And, he CAN get insurance there because he has a change in status.

What could happen to you? Is he going to sue you? Oooohh. Maybe we'll sell the lawn tractor so that he can pay for health insurance.

THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO TO YOU THAT IS WORSE THAN WHAT HE HAS DONE. N-O-T-H-I-N-G

What you should be doing is thinking about what else you can do to mess with him. OK, that would be vindictive. But, what's so bad about that anyway.

BUSTED!! And he knows it. On my way from the babysitter's to work this morning, who happens to live off the same road as OW, I saw WH driving from OW's direction. He knows I saw him, too, b/c I could see him leaning over the wheel, craning his neck to see if I noticed him. Good grief!

Thanks for the info/pep talk on the insurance. I'm waiting to hear from the HR/accounting folks this morning. I don't think it would be a big deal to add him back on if I needed to. I have the family plan anyway and it wouldn't change the deduction.