I am sitting on a goldmine. But the gold is bittersweet. I signed up for online billing so I have the cell bills for the cell that my H inquired as soon as we moved apart. It hurts, very very badly to look at it, to analyze it, to see just how much he and this other "woman" were the air that one another breathed for 2 months... But I asked for it and I got it!

Now.... mind you.... there is a HUGE long string of events, OW, OC, lies, me finally cheating this past month... etc. etc...... so getting into particulars, well, I'm just too long winded.

On this small bit alone, can someone tell me if I should or should NO WAY call this girl who he is no longer supposedly in contact with? To make sure I am not dealing with a fence-sitter or dealing with him keeping her around to CUSHION him if I say NO you cannot stay home for good??? Would you want to know if you do actually have a fresh start? Mind you-- I told him about my indiscretion with an ex-boyfriend after I knew he was sleeping with her..... cause I TOLD him- AND I DONT know if he is being honest. She lived across the street from where he was staying and he says she knows he is with me, knows it is over... bla bla....

It was our anniversary Friday and I am LEANING towards trying ONE MORE BLESSED TIME to do the right things to keep a marriage (both of us are at much fault for various reasons, and the infidelity was a major symptom of other issues)

WOJLD you be able to control yourself? Would you give him enough rope to hang himself BEFORE you called... woudl you call to just confirm that she has the right info and that he is not calling her, or to tell her to get lost- we are BACK TOGETHER?

I may be wanting to do that just to make HER hurt, I am just not sure why but I know this is KILLING me-- my hand is on the keypad over and over and then I say "this is ONLY GOING TO HURT YOU MORE"...

ANYONE??????? THANKS!

I think it about time you demonstrated TO YOURSELF that you have control over your impulses.

Make a PLAN ... instead of just behaving in a reactionary pin-ball fashion.

Do you think she would be honest with you. Really come on now. If it is over she would tell you different - just to try and break you 2 up again. So do not call. It will hurt more -just keep cking his cell bill. It all comes out in time ayway.

Wow Genevea, I was looking at your history and d day was in 2003. I am trying to understand what you have written.
You have current records of your husband's ongoing affair and want to know if affair is still ongoing by checking with o/w???
Where is w/h now?

Do you want to be married to w/h?
I guess I am not understanding.

Gio, I have lived and breathed reactionary pin-ball as Pep called it. (great word play, Pep). It is not worth it. NC means NC for both of you. I know you know this by now but you are hurting from this discovery. It won't hurt HER, it will hurt YOU.

I got so many lies from OW it is not even funny even though she did confirm the continuing of the PA. She did everything she could to ensure I would D my WH which I *am* doing.

Don't go there Gio. MB hugs to you my dear.

Pepper-- you are MEAN! But aaaah you are correct. I have had little control over my emotions or my reactions to situations in this marraige. I take major blame, at this point, finally, for my behaviour. I am doing a little better, though! 1. I kept up a happy face and home for the past 2.5 months without letting my son see me crack up! 2. I did NOT call any numbers and I WOULD HAVE IN A HEARTBEAT.

Can I get an "okay thats a good start" from ya, Pep? LOL.

Realtor-- my H says GO AHEAD and call, I dont care-- she will just lie. That says to me that ...umm she will either lie or he is using that as an out. BUT why try to figure it out.

I really just need to be told by a few who are way more rational than I--- that I should STEP AWAY from these bills.... ugh!

kds--- oh boy, this is not an ongoing A-- this is the SECOND summer (2003 and now 2005) that we just let our M go to the point that we were both lost, hurting and did not seek proper help, etc... AND it led to the same crap- we seperate with no real terms discussed and BAM he starts sleeping with someone LIKE INSTANTLY and carrys on with her until we both cant stand to be apart anymore. LAST time it resulted in an OC and we swore NEVER would we let our M get to this bad of a state.. but we never fixed it properly..

AND AS PEP SAID-- YES I am the pinball queen and I react to everthing with LB's that would make a sailor cry daily, and now I have also cheated on my WS (and should feel bad but dont)....

yes I'm a wreck, I know it.

Pepper-- you are MEAN!

Yeah? So? What's your point <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

But aaaah you are correct. I have had little control over my emotions or my reactions to situations in this marraige.

I just had a similar conversation with a patient not 5 minutes ago. I taught her how to do diaphragmatic breathing to calm herself before flying off the handle....

I take major blame, at this point, finally, for my behaviour.

I don't care for blame ... I like responsibility much more ... because it's like a tool you can pick up and wield as in ---> "I am taking responsibility for THIS"

It seems much more useful to me than ---> "I am to blame for this."

Symantics, I know, but it sends a different message to ourselves, doncha think?

Responsible sounds like action-ready, while blame sounds like going off to stand in the corner. LOL

I think you are off to a good start ... you posted HERE before doing a reactionary pin-ball blow out.

Good for you ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I am pretty much out of control, really. And I have only been able to BLAME my husband and tell him that he darn well better take it, cause he deserves it (in so many words)

YET-- thing is.. after the verbal, physical and emotional abuse I give him, he takes it.... then after so long he turns to another, less hostile woman. Wrong, but at this point, I really understand it. He loves ME and always has wanted me- not an OW - BUT he must, like me, realize that the impulse behavour must stop.

So do you think I should check the bill in another month-- or should I show it to him now and tell him I know about his HUGE 2 MONTHS worth of lies .....?? He is still not coming clean about a lot of stuff. Its in the open about the other person, but HE DID not give it up so now I dont trust he is being honest about it..... SO JUST WAIT???

You are physically abusive to your husband?

Gio, show him the bills. Don't LB, DJ or AO just calmly show him the evidence of contact you have.

Your focus is all about catching him ... how about for a minimum of 3 months or so you 100% make changing yourself your focus? You're gonna have to take responsibility sooner or later for your habits that are driving him away ... why not now?

You only have so much energy ... use it wisely.

I suggest your most pressing problem is YOU and not the phone bill.

You have a bad habit you must break. Take control of yourself, and keep control of yourself. THAT is far more likely to patch the leaking love from your marriage ... instead of another blow up fight !

Yes, Pep, I do physically attack him- or rather have a lot in the past and have some here and there lately.

Do you think I need anger management or something? Is this WAAAy off the charts? I FEEL like I cannot control it.

Faithful...
Its like I dont want to face the phone bills with him- I want to just GO ON and not face it cause I am so scared of freaking on him AGAIN.

My H keeps saying PLEASE just focus on TODAY AND GOING FORWARD together.... I never wanted her, just you, but you drive me away and cut me off so easily.. He begs me to please just be with him that no one ever matters but me...

BUT then how could he do this SO easily?????? So QUICK.. so into her that quick and now he cares nothing for her????

Okay then.... is it "OK" to ask (nicely) if H will please set his cell phone out in the open so we can both see it at all times at home, and if it rings I can answer it if I want to? Or is that bad too????

He answers my home phone and I find it to be really unfair, ya know.

What is your highest priority right now?

1. control your H ??

2. self control ??

3. fill your H's love bank ??

Gio, after reading more...I have to pick #'s 2 &3 on Pep's list for ya. Forget the phone for now. Get your own back yard cleaned up first.

I understand, Gio. I have self control issues. One of the things that I think kept sending my H back to OW.

ummm.....

grrrr I WANT to say that HIS love bank has been getting PLENTY FULL (grrrr again) BUT

Yes I want to do that first.

And I do not want to control him... I am TRYING SO SO VERY hard to remember that I do not really want him to move right home yet.. SO that means I am going to have to REALIZE that if I'm gona stay with him I CANNOT freak every second wondering.... I have to let go of it.

So... I'm wrong if I want to have his phone out in the open? Its so confusing to me that I should not.

I am so lost! I feel like I have NO CLUE of how I can get over all of this.. YET I love him and he loves me and we really cant stay away and move on.

Faithful... are there any things that you did that were helpful in controling your temper/reactions, etc.? I feel like I am jekyl and hyde and I have no control over the sensation that comes over me... and I go dark almost and I go numb practically. I feel like a freaking psycho cause I dont WANT to .. and prep myself over and over to NOT REACT like a hot-blooded friggin maniac. Then I do anyways without even making a conscious decision to.

Any advice on that?

Well Gio, when I do not allow myself to let loose I automatically feel better about myself. However once I let a little water leak through that dam then I have to remove myself completely from the situation at that moment or the dam will burst ie. what I did to my WH night before last. I then become as you put it the girl in the exorcist.

For me it is simply changing my focus until I can calm down. That may involve taking a walk or laying down for a brief nap. I sometimes post my vents here on MB. What has worked best has been prayer and giving my trouble over to God. I think what you really need to focus on first Gio, is those subtle changes inside that tell you that you are headed for trouble. Can you identify a pattern?