It's been since July that my A was discovered. I'm trying like mad to save our marriage. I know it takes time to recover from an A, but I've been showing him lots of love and giving him no room to trust me. I gave him all my passwords to emails and instant messenger. Every Tuesday I have meetings that run about 30mins past work. I was 30mins as I usually am and he called and wanted to know why I was so late and I explained that it is my normal Tuesday meeting. I seen him checking my cell phone which is ok as I have nothing to hide. Asked him if I had a call and he said no he was just calling his phone from mine phone. I was up all night last night. I then called him this afternoon and he was real short with me and I asked him what was wrong and if he was ok. He shly said nothing I could tell that was not the truth.. I'm really trying to make our marriage work but I kinda feel as I'm fighting an uphill battle. Any advice??

SADUSMCWIFE

SUMCW,
I'm glad you have given up the affair, and are being transparent. That is the first step.
I know us b/s have a lot of emotional baggage that goes along with being betrayed.
Have you started MC?
While I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to say you have come to the right place for help.

no we have not started MC as of yet? I'm scared. I'm doing everthing possible to do it without.

It will take time. Us BS are hurt beyond words. We are all twisted up inside - questions wether we should stay or go, triggers are everywhere. You are giving him all your information and that is so good. Up front and honest is great. Give him time, reassure him everytime he gets funny. Its hard for us to ask for those hugs. It is so much better if you just give lots of them. Tell him you love him all the time. Tell him you miss him when away from him. Tell him you were thikning about him during the day. Man -we have NO confidence in ourselves. We feel ugly, used and hurt so bad its beyond anything I can explain to you. Its like a cat 5 hurricane just blew thru and took everything we loved and held dear away. You can do it. I am just feeling better this past week. My Wh's A ended last nov. Patients is need by tht truck load now.

Hey mcwife,
I am in your boat!! It is an uphill battle...but we chose this battle w/our selfish decisions my friend. I had A and am trying to work on things. I am doing everything I can to get him to communicate w/me...
he is not shutting me out completely...just doesn't want to talk about relationship stuff at all...as far as he is concerned...a is over...lets move on...I think though my sitch may be different than most as my h found out(saw the message) about A as I was trying to exit A (actually shelve A for a while)I wanted to get a clear head for awhile... but, knew deep down that I wanted A to end but had such difficult time letting go/I was always trying to end A and then reigniting it. ...guilt...guilt...fear of getting caught etc...however I was very emotionally attached at the time... much, much better now.
So, my h looks at my A maybe differently...he wants to put it all behind us...no r talk. His decision...I am being patient...even though he isn't talking it HAD to have hurt...big time. Right after he found out his pain was evident. But, folks he didn't know that there was a call from Om this summer... I did tell him though last week..b/c I felt like it was an outstanding lie. He did get mad but mainly b/c I told him...see...doesn't want to know anything just that it is OVER.
I want a different m though...not the pre A m. It was not good...but lets be honest here... not bad every single day.... I AM NOT justifying my actions whatsoever....It was soooooo wrong....
the good, wise people here have helped me...encouraged me.

I read every posts, take it all in...look at things from bs point of view b/c my s doesn't act like a typical bs at all...
I think he is afraid to know/deal with our m issues at its core...
went to mc and that is helping me alot...I am trying not to LB when he acts like the pre A spouse I knew...that is my weak, vulnerable spot...
Here is my game plan... Ok..for example...last week I went to the gym/then beautified myself there and spontaneously called h and said "let's lunch" we did...honestly, I felt excited waiting for him to walk into restaurant... I grabbed his hand when he came in and we enjoyed lunch...
he looked at me like I had 3 heads when I grabbed his hand but, that is typical for h if I show affection...see I told you... there are m issues.
Anyway, whenever he LB anything... I try to respond instead of reacting. I wish I had known about LB years ago!!!

Ok any bs or ws who wants to give there 2 cents go ahead b/c we all know I am new to this ok...
by the way...nc is firmly intact...the focus and clear headed thinking getting better by the day!! last contact was 8-05.
I am really trying to focus on the m aside from the A...since it "appears" to not be issue... When he gets irate about something I just ask...is this anger b/c of A or because of just normal m disagreements?then he looks at me like I am nuts... no not A related.
Just keep reassuring him...surprising him...do something for "him" that you wouldn't normally do...I am resolved to make this m great and ENJOYABLE! If he won't jump on board then I will take stock but having the A was not the way to make the changes.
I know this is long...we can encourage each other...this is why we are here right???

Is your h depressed??communicating with you at all?
Is he going to stay?? Are you still in contact w/OM? How did your h find out about A?

This forum has really helped me with different perspectives...I read this stuff am/pm!!
Good luck and God bless
Brandi