Okay Mr 4.0, That was a good one!!

K!

And all this time - I thought you were 52! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FR

That's alright, I forgive you.
It's the teeth, it happens all the time!!

TBG said:


I get it! It's the answer.

You know, life, the universe and everything.

Does that make me a geek, too? gee ... if you knew me in real life, you'd know the answer to that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

CS

Ok... somehow I get the feeling that the answer of 42 is a little bit lacking.

I am certainly no magician, but I can tell you what I have tried to do in my life to keep an objective handle on the chemistry roller coaster.

The key for me is to do the analyzing before the chemistry begins. Shortly after my divorce, my counselor suggested I write down the qualities I want in a spouse. I wrote down all the qualities and then weighted them as to how important they were to me. Another way to do it is to separate your list into two categories.... The gotsahaves and likestahaves. The gotsahaves are those things you can't live without. The likestahaves are things you would like, but aren't deal breakers if they aren't around. By dividing these things into these categories you help avoid the problem of being "too picky".

Secondly, I like to have a confidant, someone who I can talk to who I know will give me an objective opinion. This person can help me sort out what is factual and what is emotional whenever I have the rush of feelings that I get in new relationships.

So... I know what I'm looking for beforehand and I have someone who helps me evaluate the person I'm dating objectively. Does it work? I don't know, I haven't gotten married yet... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] I took my boyfriend to my counselor. She liked him and told me to "have fun". (What bugs me now is that knowing her, she might have thought he would be great fun but not serious husband/father material.)

I have to admit he was a very good sport to go visit my counselor with me - something another man might have freaked about...

V.[/color]

BigGuy: That is exactly what I did. Along with the "gotahaves and the liketahaves".


Me too. The "confidant" would be - you MB-ers, along with one or two close friends. However, aren't you assuming that you will get that "rush of feelings" in a new relationship. What if your "analysis before the chemistry begins" is successful - but the "rush of feelings" doesn't happen?

Welcome to my world! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

FR

"I have to admit he was a very good sport to go visit my counselor with me - something another man might have freaked about..."

When you say councellor, do you mean councellor or psychotherapist? (there's a big difference).

What was the point of this action? While I wouldn't "freak out," unless there was a specific reason for going to see my SO's therapist, I would decline to do so, since that is a very private realm into which others usually should never be invited. My friend was seeing a therapist who wanted her to bring me to a session, though wouldn't say why. I refused. My friened decided a few weeks later that she'd been working with this therapist for three years and had really not got very far, so she decided to change to a new one. She mentioned this idea of having me come to a session to the new therapist and was told "Absolutley not! That's not right for you and it's unfair to him. The only time this is approtriate is there are issues in your relationship that need to be addressed."

In my experience this has happened twice in my life. In both cases I moved on. Both are wonderful women who on paper were almost perfect for me. But for whatever reason, and no matter how much I wanted to feel differently for them, it just wasn't there. I tried relationships with both of them thinking that my feelings might change, but they didn't. I truly believe if I had remained in a relationship with them I would have ultimately been unhappy.

[color:"blue"] Check

She is a psychologist with a PhD. I asked her to meet him and see what she thought.

I had been in many weird or abusive relationships and worried about my picker being broken and thought of it being along the same lines as bringing someone home to meet your mother or having one of your friends check out your new SO.

V.
[/color]

I asked her to meet him and see what she thought.

Did he know that??? I mean I know you said he was a good sport to go with you but did he know it was for her to "check him out"???

Then, I know I would have refused and probably ended the relationship. This isn't to say that what you did was wrong, I'd just have a seriously problem with a woman who needs her psychotherapist to "check me out." I'd have an even biger problem with the therapist. By the same token, I would have a problem with a grown woman needing her family or friends to "check me out." I won't be subjected to committee approval; she must choose me for her own reasons and be completely comfortable with her choice.

I can certainly appreciate that with your history, you may be a bit unsure of yourself and are exercising caution. I'd suggest that you be 100% sure you've fixed your picker yourself and not look to others to validate your choices. Others are not you and they may lead you astray. After all, what do you really know about their pickers?

I would have been amused.... and probably asked for her analysis.

Ha! I have yet to meet a woman who didn't get the opinions of her friends and/or family about me. I mean, come on, going to the bathroom together isn't a communal event just because they like to discuss the fixtures... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

C'mon TBG, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Are you serious? You've never met a single woman who didn't care what her girlfriends thought about you? I'm just the opposite. I've never had a relationship where I was even asked to meet her girlfriends; not since college anyway. But then I always gone for confident, self-assured women, who aren't into the "girl" stuff like that. Besides, women my age go to the bathroom for one reason and it ain't to talk about guys.

Let me ask you this TBG, do you take take your new ladies to meet the guys and then ask what they think? Do you care what they think?

Only the really hot ones... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think we're doing the semantics thing again. Women talk about guys. It seems we're an interesting subject to them. Is talking the same as seeking advice? I don't know, depends on who you ask.

Do I seek advice/opinions? Yes, I do. As I mentioned, I always have a confidant who I check with to help keep me grounded. Typically my confidants are women because guys don't do relationship advice very well.

No we aren't doing the semantics thing again. This is funamental. I'm talking about schoolgirl/boy behavior vs adult behavior. Adults don't require the approval or consent of their friends or family. I have never ask my friends for advice or opinions about a new woman in my life. I trust my own judgements and my romanitc live is private. I ground myself and if I can't depend on me to do that, I'm in trouble. This isn't to say that I won't seek the advice of a close friend or family member on something I am confused about, but I don't want or need their approval of the women in my life. She's my woman, not theirs. To be honest, I consider it very disrespectful to a woman to subject her to the approval of others.

This goes right back to something I have written before: we insist on conducting our romanitc lives the way we did when we were kids. This won't work. We aren't kids anymore and we have to do things differently now. It's understandable if we are a tad confused about the new way of doing things. Most of us fell in love and married using our "kid model" and it is all we know.

It's one thing to flippantly say...soooooo what do you think about so and so...but to actually take him someplace to have him analyzed?? that's nuts in itself in my opinion. I wholeheartedly agree that it's what I think that matters and not my family or friends when it comes down to who I'm going to develop a relationship with. I trust myself enough to know what or who I want to do that with. But after a first meeting with my mother or my best friend and I say.....soooo what do you think of J? and they give their opinions...good or bad I'm still going to do what I think is right for ME. I would never in a million years even think about setting someone I potentially wanted to date up to meet a counselor to get their opinion on them...that's just plain CRAZY!

I wish he were here...I'd tell him to run for the hills!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Think what you will about my childish approach to relationships... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I don't advocate abdicating approval/disapproval of a SO to others. Yes, ultimately we all have to make up our own minds. However, if I should ever run into a woman who believes she has nothing to learn from the counsel of others, THAT would be a huge red flag to me.

However, if I should ever run into a woman who believes she has nothing to learn from the counsel of others, THAT would be a huge red flag to me.

Why?

Because my XW refused to go to counseling with me because she believed the problems in our relationship were "private". Because if we had gone to counseling when the problems were small, we could have avoided the problems getting bigger. Because if she had been willing to at least try, then maybe my children wouldn't have had to grow up in a broken home.

I would never presume to know so much that I couldn't learn something about myself, something about my SO, something about my relationship with my SO from other people... even my family and friends. There are always opportunities to learn and I would shortchange myself if I didn't think I had anything to learn from them. Just from the fact that their perspective is different than mine, their worldview differs from mine.