hurtinginokla-ette, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I've been where you are... but I was a lot younger... 14. I'm 38 now. But I think I can remember back that far <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My dad left my mom, my brother and me and moved with OW as far as he could while still being in the same country.
On the one hand, we were all very relieved to see him go because he was causing all of us so much heartache. On the other hand, we were in a world of hurt because of the obvious rejection, not just of our mother, but of us kids. Plus there were some very real financial problems that also made life a complete ****** for us. We had no idea that things could go from worst, to even worse than that but they did.
At 38, I'm now quite a bit older than my father was when he left our family. I would have to say, very honestly, and I mean no offense to believer, because I respect her immensely. YOU will have to be strong and brave for yourself and then for your mom. But you will need to take care of you first. You are a vulnerable and yet terribly strong spirit in this too.
There are a few things I will tell you that will probably take some time to think over. You may or may not agree. That's cool. I'm not going to tell you how your life is - just going to throw some ideas out there and you can decide if they make sense for you. OK?
I think probably the reason your dad is talking about dying is because he is scared to death of what he is doing with his life. Believe it or not, even after 24 years of marriage, what he knows about life and love and commitment is just barely more than what you know now! How crazy is that?!? But it's probably true.
And what's more, the extra knowledge that he's gained with his years and experience is only making him scared... He's scared that this is all there is in life and since he still isn't happy, he's on this mad tear to try and get happy. Some of us know that doesn't really work. Some of us have found comfort with the other person and made a life with that person. It's not the popular view here, but it does happen.
The OTHER reason your dad is talking about dying is because it is a very good way of exerting control. He doesn't have a lot of control over himself or anyone else right now. It's VERY difficult to look your dad in the face and say something like "h*ll NO! I'm not going to listen to your hairy bullsh*t - you're not dying. You're just trying to get me to feel sympathetic for you so I won't make you feel worse than you already feel even though you deserve it for running out on mom ya bum!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
It's not funny, but I write this with a smile because whether your dad is aware or not, he's trying to get you to go easy on him... Another hard to believe thing - probably, in all of this, he sees himself as the victim. He sees himself as trapped and old and dying and unhappy and if he blamed himself for that, he'd probably drive himself nuts, so he's blaming your mom instead. Again, sometimes that wears off and sometimes it lasts for -- ever.
At 18, you're already experiencing loving and not so loving relationships for yourself. If you can take this bit of wisdom to heart, it will help you deal with your dad's problem and possibly your own ups and downs with your love life as well. Your dad isn't doing this TO you. He isn't doing this TO your mom. He's just doing it. He's not leaving her or you - he's just leaving. That's the thing about men and women who leave -- they just do.
What makes a smoker a smoker? They smoke. They aren't smoking to make you sick or hurt your feelings or make you smell bad. They just smoke. The payoff for smoking makes the health risks negligible. Smokers might care about how second-hand smoke affects you, but in the end, a smoker just wants a cigarette. It's not about you. It's not about your mom. Your dad wants something unhealthy and he doesn't care about what it's doing to him or you - he's just going to do it until he decides to quit.
So back to taking care of you. At some point in time, it’s likely that someone will point a finger at YOU and say something like “you’re just saying this because you are supporting your mother” or “you don’t really know what you’re talking about” or “you’re too young to understand what your father is going through” these throw-away lines usually come from people who just can’t believe that you could make decisions for yourself about what you think is right and wrong and comfortable or not for YOU in this situation.
Just be strong in yourself. You’re going to make mistakes anyway. That’s the beauty of life. No matter how old you get, you keep making mistakes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So, trust the decisions you make and if you think you need to make a different decision that’s OK. You’re allowed to change your mind. So if you start off not wanting to visit dad with OW. OK. If later you decide you’d like to try it. OK. If even later you change your mind again. Guess what? You’re still doing just fine!
You’re really only 18? Wow. You’re doing great! You sound very together and calm and that is going to be a great asset going forward. Sounds like you already had a rough experience with a cheat. I’m sorry you had to experience that. In some very real ways, you’re more at risk than others for being vulnerable and bumping into the wrong kind of guy, It’s no fault of your own. It’s another rotten reality – when one of our parents cheats, it affects us in ways we’re rarely aware of at the time. Hurtinginokla-ette, you are one awesome woman! I really admire you for having the presence of self to come on this vast board and post away. It takes a lot of guts.
Keep taking care of yourself, give your mom a squidgy hug and enjoy a good laugh and cry together. You’re both really wonderful. Feel free to ask whatever questions you like, I’ll do my best to be straight with you.
Warmly,
Sally
