I'm so sad for you that you have to go through this...

About your Dad talking about death to you...

It's because of his current sickness. Let's call it "mental illness". He is no longer himself. He is suffering from an addiction, like a crack addiction. He knows that he is sick. He knows that he is suffering. However, he is currently unable to help himself.

So death seems to him a simple solution. He is wishing for his death. This is not surprising. What he is doing now is self-destructive..

Young Hurting,

You can't save your Dad. He has got to do this for himself.. I know it is hard for you to believe this but THE MORE HE SUFFERS NOW THE BETTER... He has to feel REAL BAD, REACH HIS LOWEST OF LOWS before he can get rid of the OW and come back home..

Simply say to him that you want him to come back home..that's the only answer for him..

I don't think he's saying that to you just for attention..I think he feels bad and that is good...

Does this make sense to you?

If not, I'll try to explain it better...

hurtinginokla2, I think your dad is talking like that because he "really" is dieing inside, inside the soul, not physically dieing. He is speaking that out of his heart, which is his soul.
He cannot really be happy doing what he is doing. While he may think he is happy on the outside, inside he is dieing because of what he is doing. He is on a dangerous road in his life right now, and he knows it inside.

Love, Lady

mo doubt he's hurting.

HOWEVER -- I think its more manipulation than pain. He's trying to get your sympathy. Be nice to him, Be nice to OW.

I think it would be a good slap of reality for you to tell both of them that you don't approve of them or their relationship. Personally, I would tell the OW that she is the enemy of your family and you don't choose to have a relationship with her. My opinion.

Mine too ....

I support this too. 100 %. There is no need for you to show respect to her...

Let her have it!!

hurtingola2, this means he is afraid because he is on a dangerous road in his life, playing with OW like a toy, wanting to share her with gk/children and he is afraid something is going to happen. And he is afraid because he is on a downhill slide to giving up everything, family. It's too bad he is only listening to his head and not his heart. I really hope he comes to his senses.

I know this must not be easy for you to understand and painful at times. But you are a strong, coourageous girl, and I'm glad you came here to talk.

Love & prayers, Lady

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I just love kids with courage!

Lil Hurt -- you're a good one!

Thank you guys... You all are really helping like I said before.. We are going to get through this on a brighter side.. My mom, brothers, me and the rest of the family will all be alright in the long end... My dad will be back eventually... I have a gut feeling about that... Again thank you all for your support and responses...

My dad is going back on the road... Which I really hope helps him make up his mind... Maybe it will bring back memories of when my mom went with him or when us kids went one at a time with him or even when we all went with him.. Hopefully it all works out...

I hope it brings back all those memories too. You're right he really does need to think about those times, family times. I'm hoping all the best for you and your family.

Love, Lady

thank you lady

I talked to my dad last night and he told me that he missed my mom... I dont know if he was really telling me that because he wanted me to feel good or what... But he leaves for orientation monday.... I hope he decides to come by and see me and my brother before he leaves... I really miss him and wish he would come home...

HurtinginOkla2,

Be careful with your heart with Dad. Try and remember that he doesn't have your family's best interests in mind right now. He's still your dad, but he's also a guy who will do or say ANYTHING to feel good about himself.

Of course your dad misses your mom in some ways but the reason he tells YOU he misses her doesn't have anything to do with you... It's all about him. He knows that telling you he misses your mom means YOU will tell her he said so.

Your dad is going to use the only tools he has to try and protect his "good dad, good guy" image. By saying he misses your mom, he is case-building against that future time when someone is upset with him... then he'll say something like, "But I always said I missed your mother..."

You and your brother have every right to miss your dad and want to see him and you can tell Dad that. When I say to be careful, I'm not saying your dad is a bad person OK? He's just a big ol' mess! It would be very good for you to tell him how much you miss him and want to see him. You could even set up a specific time where you will spend time together.

I would recommend though that when your dad starts talking about your mom, that he should be talking to HER and telling her those nice things and not you. You can tell him some of what you just wrote here - you can say, "Dad, I don't really know why you're saying you miss Mom. I hope it's true but I don't understand - are you trying to make me feel better or is it something else? Can you explain it to me so I understand?"

If you ask gently and slowly, you might just get a real explanation.

You're continuing to blow me away. Your parents must both be so proud of you. It's really wonderful to hear the love you have for your family. I'll keep praying for you.

Sally

My dad left for the road this morning... He came by yesterday to get some of his stuff... He also took me to work in the semi... He told me he was going to miss me and my mom and brother...

My dad called me today asking to tell my mom to write what she wants in the house... He told me that all he wanted was the fire place which is a bar inside and his personal things that he bought himself... I really dont like being put in the middle of all this... But if it is the only way to get things talked about between them both then I will do it... I really dont think that he is really going to want this divorce when he finds out how much it is going to cost him the long end... I hope that it doesnt get done but if it does there will not be one single thing that I can do about it... I really do miss my dad and want him to come home... I know he misses all of us too because it is in his voice and face... He will regret everything sooner or later.. If anyone can give me some advice about all of this and help me out I would really appreciate it... [color:"orange"] [/color] [color:"orange"] [/color] [color:"black"] [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi Hurting2,
I know this is so difficult for you (((Hugs)))

Yes he will regret everything, and I am so sad he is doing this to all of you too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You and mom be there for each other. You are going to get through this...I know...it will take time and strength.

Love, Lady

{{{{hurting2}}}}}

Your instinct is, I think, the right one. You DON'T want to be in the middle. Mom and Dad's jobs are to protect YOU and your siblings. It's not your job, duty as a daughter or even a nice thing for you to act as a middleman or go-between.

I know this is hard because you want your parents to be communicating BUT, and this is another one of those big buts, it's not your responsibility to fix this. It's a bad way to start thinking - that you should help fix what's wrong with other people just because you think you can be helpful. In this case, helping this way is not good for you.

The best advice I can offer is this - say the following slowly and carefully to Dad:

Dad, I love Mom and I love you.

Can you please ask Mom yourself to write the list?

I can't handle being in the middle of you and Mom.


And then STOP talking.

Don't say anything until Dad says something. If he says anything but Yes, I'll ask her myself or something similar, you simply say, I can't handle being in the middle. I have to get off the phone now.

Hurting2, also, don't say you are sorry. You don't have anything to be sorry for. So no saying sorry. and don't keep talking if Dad doesn't respond. You got it?

If Dad responds that he will take care of it, say, Thank you. This is so hard. I really miss you Dad. I'm going to get off the phone now.

You're doing a beautiful job coping with a horrible situation. Not many would be able to be so strong. But don't get sucked in too much. Remember, you need to take care of you.

Good luck Hurting2!
Sally

Hurting 2 - Sally_A said it just right.

This will all pass, so don't get too stressed out about it. The chances of an affair lasting are almost zero. Continue making your life a good life, and trust that this will all work out and be just like a bad dream.