As I pulled my car into the driveway tonight after talking with DS4 about WH all the way home, the song by Dixie Chicks "you were mine" comes on the radio. It is deeply implanted in my head now.
For a few days now I have been going about my business and keeping myself on track, but I have had tears in my eyes almost 24/7. My life is an extreme mess, and I want to hit rewind about 16 months. I close my eyes, go back in rewind, and I sit on the couch, holding my H in my arms, having him hold me back and never let go.

I saw OW with WH at Burger King a few days ago when I was going through the drive through with the kids. As I was getting my food, I looked over and saw them parked to my right, both looking at me. I got my things and got out of there, before the kids saw them. I hadn't seen them in a few weeks, and now I have seen them 3 times within a week and a half or so.

OW has to warrants out for her arrest, which I found out about today. Our colleges legal 'club' went to the court house today to hear oral arguments for criminal cases at 1pm. When we looked at the docket I saw OWs name on the 830 am docket, then the court decision was failure to appear with a warrant issued.

Thoughts of my past, when WH and I were happy in love keep coming to my head. I reply memories of us doing things with the kids in my head…
DS4 has been talking about his Dad more and more. Tomorrow his school is going on a field trip and Moms and Dads were invited. DS4 was talking about his friends Dad is going. Then he proceeded to say that he has a Dad, named Adam, but he didn’t live in his house anymore because he is very sick. His Dad lives in another family, with the lady that kissed his Daddy and she is mean. I get stuck for words when he talks like that. DS4 met the OW once last year and she was all over WH in front of the kids. DS4 still remembers that. I told him that I was sorry his Daddy didn’t live with us; but that I loved him a lot and when we get home he can help me cook dinner. Then he continues about how much he misses his Dad, misses his Dads car, and wants to go see his Dad. Can we call his Dad? I told him that I don’t know his Dads telephone number, and I am sorry. He says well call my Mae Me, she misses me. (My MIL) DS4 says that his Daddy is supposed to visit him and he knows he will soon, maybe this weekend. I told him that I know his Daddy promised that, and I am sorry that he didn’t keep his promise, I know that is upsetting. DD2 then pipes in that she cries and she misses her Daddy bigger. I want to scream. These talks are becoming more frequent, and I am not sure why. I don't how to help them, or to respond to their questions and comments.
I am so mad at WH for all of this.
He tells people I won’t him see the kids, the kids beg for him and he is off screwing some ________.

Yet I sit here, crying, thinking to myself that if I would have opened my eyes to the signs of his likelihood of an affair like years before the affair we wouldn’t be in this situation. WH got subscriptions on the credit card for friendfinder.com, and I just asked him about it, he said he was ‘playing around on the internet one night’ and I canceled the subscription. He had some profile up on a swingers website, said he thought it was a funny joke, and I honestly didn't think it was REAL. (It was just the internet right?) The signs were there, I was blind. I told people that my WH would never cheat, that he was so faithful and loving, and I had so much trust in him. I didn’t worry about him overseas in the Navy, because I *knew* he would never cheat.

I think of all the amazingly fun and loving things we did together. How hard he worked to get home from Iraq when our DD was born…our trip up north to a cabin with the kids in May of 04 and how much fun we had. His A started only 3 months later. I should have seen it coming. We didn’t even have SF the whole trip, and I thought that was OK?

I think back of all the times he called when he and the OW were fighting. I would have him come over and we would go to dinner alone. I would try to convince him to come home, and how our family deserved a fighting chance. The OW would kick him out or hurt him, and I would be his shoulder to cry on. Instead of making him deal with her, I always thought that if I was there for him through thick and thin he would see it and respect me for it, and come home. I was wrong...and stupid.

Now he hates me. I hate my WH...but still love my husband..

I have gone on too long...
Danielle

"I can't find a reason to let go
Even though you've found a new love
And she's what your dreams are made of
I can find a reason to hang on
What went wrong can be forgiven
Without you it ain't worth livin' alone

Sometimes I wake up crying at night
And sometimes I scream out your name
What right does she have to take you away
When for so long you were mine

I took out all the pictures of our wedding day
It was a time of love and laughter
Happy ever after
But even those old pictures have begun to fade
Please tell me she's not real
And that you're really coming home to stay

I can give you two good reasons
To show you love's not blind
He's two and she's four and you know they adore you
So how can I tell them you've changed your mind"

I am so sorry D. Big Hugs!

Let's see, without sounding like a cliche...hindsight is 20/20.

There are choices we make every day, never knowing how it will turn out. You can kick youirself all over the place for "what ifs..." but how could you have forseen the craziness that has become your life right now. And how could you have expected it...only after going through it can you become an infidelity expert.

I know you have drawn the line with the IL's, any chance they could call them (with you on the other end)?

Sweetie, he's gone.

There's no way you could have known. Just because a teenager goes on a drunken spree -- that doesn't mean he's going to be a bleary-eyed alcoholic with liver disease when he's fifty. Doesn't mean he's not, either.

We have all sorts of things growing in us -- we don't know which are going to get bigger and which smaller. We can predict it, partly, by which plants we water and which ones we weed. But some part is way, way out of our control.

You can't tell by looking at a group of fifth-graders which one is going to become an ax murderer, and which cure cancer. You can look back in hindsight, and see the early signs. But we must live going forward...

So don't trouble yourself with this stuff. Your story (like mine) is so off-the-wall. Human deterioration to this degree is so far beyond our ability to control or predict.

And, as I think I've said to you before, you are reacting to the complete disempowering you've experienced in your life -- where none of your "choices" mattered. This is normal for betrayed spouses. But all you can do is turn to those areas of your life where your choices matter -- your kids, your studies, your home.

He may come back to his "normal" self someday -- but it's not anything you can control or wait for.

Dani,

Gonna tell you to hug and love your children. Then ask them for their help. They will wonder what can they do to help mom and you will let them know that even though you all miss dad, dad chooses not to come home and miss his family. So right now mom and the children need t/b there for each other. Then show them by each giving the other hugz and say that's what we need to do when we are sad, happy or just because. They will get the pix.

take care,
L.

For some unknown strange reason sometimes I just want to read love letters he wrote me, or look at pictures of us, and read e-mails he wrote me when he was in Iraq. I don't know why, because it just hurts me and makes me emotionally a mess, but I can't help myself. I am drawn to them...and sometimes even e-mails b/w he and Marcia. I need to ask myself WHY.

If I honestly thought that the kids would gain something from it, I would do it. I think it would just make them confused and more upset, because they wouldn't actually be able to go there. I left the line of communication open. The last line of the letter said 'The toll free number is always a good way to reach me' It is in thier hands...


I think you’re right on… I find myself taking on tasks that I can control, in a way to prove to myself that I haven’t lost total control over my own life.

Thank you for the suggestion Orchid. When DS4 starts talking about his Daddy and then DD2 chimes in that she misses him…my eyes well up with tears and I get stuck for words.

Tomorrow the kids and I are going to WHs biological Grandmothers house at 2pm, and then to a church supper with them. WH biological father has two boys ages 8 and 10 that we never get to see, so it should be fun for the kids. I have made a clear boundary in my head. If there is any sign of WH we are going to say our farewells. I want the kids to be able to go, and she is a nice women. I don't think she would ever do anything like that, but I always am on the look out now.