I have been married for 18 years and we have two kids. Over the last thirteen years our marriage has been a mixed bag, some good times, sometimes almost brutal. We both engaged in destructive behaviors over this time period and niether was truly happy, we managed I guess for the kids sake. As the kids got into highschool, I realized that we had to get to the bottom of our issues or there would be no relationship when the kids were gone. I was unhappy and could not go on with the status quo.

I knew that my wife felt guilty about something and whatever the source of that guilt was not only impacting her actions towards me as a defense mechanism but also causing me to rationalizing actions that were not healthy for our marriage. I knew that my wife was dishonest with me about numerous things and did not seem to be able to change. I value honesty above all.

We tried to talk about different things many times over the years but it always became confrontational and if anything took us backward instead of forward. Finally, I wrote her a letter and told her how that I felt and that if we could not get to the bottom of the issues that sparked the fires with us, that I could no longer continue in this relationship. I also told her that if she was honest with me, I had forgiven her regardless of how bad things might be because I was sure that I had imagined far worse than it really was and in my own way I had punished her for many years.

Thinking back through our relationship, there was a day certain where things changed forever for the worst. Our financial situation was detoriating but she wanted to take a trip to see an event that was very important to her. I told her that we could not afford to go and we had two young kids (2 and 3) that could not be left with someone for a week. After much thought, I decided to let her go with one of her girlfriends while I stayed home with the kids. I did this because I loved her and I believed that she needed this. What a mistake on my part. That was twelve years ago.

After my letter, my FWS did reveal two things that I was not aware of until then. First that she had became addicted to a prescription diet pill (started shortly after some post partum depression after kid #2) and that while out of state on that trip she had met someone at a celebration party, they drank, talked, and ultimately had a PA. When she came home the next day, all I wanted to do was spend time with her. She avoided me and focused on what wasn't done in the house, etc. I should have known then except that she was the last person that I could ever imagine even entertaining the thought of an A no matter how unhappy she was. Although as far as I know, there was only 1 time that they where physically together, the EA lasted for more than one year.

Since, D-Day she has been very honest with me and we have started to rebuild our relationship with honesty, respect and renewed love. I believe that in the long run our marraige will be stronger than ever. She wants to move forward and so do I but there is still some information that I feel like I need in order to get past this. I don't want the gory details but I feel like I am entitled to know who the OP was, how they met, how long the EA lasted and how it ended. According to her, the last time that he called her she told him that she had to devote her attention to her marriage and family. I want to believe this but there were so many times of lies and deceptions over the years that the mistrust creeps back into my mind espcecially when she won't reveal the OP. She says this is because it doesn't matter at this point and that involving others would only cause additional pain and make me dwell on the issue.

I don't know why that he should not be exposed as well. Although I have forgiven her for her mistake and look forward to spending the rest of my life with her, I feel like that complete honesty and openess is necessary for both of us. Although I have a lot of hate for the OP and harbor some resentment towards her (I trust that Dr. H's article is right and that this will pass with time) and even though this happened and ended long ago, the wound for me is fresh. I don't feel like that I can share how deeply I am hurt with her for fear of setting our process backwards but need a forum such as this to express those feelings.

Am I wrong to want to know who the OP is and how it ended?

BS 40
FWS 38
D-Day 8/25/05
PA 1993
EA 1993-1994??
NC 1995??

Hello,

I am sorry for you and your pain. By not revealing who the OM is indicates that she is protecting him over you and putting him as a higher priority over you. Something does not seem right here. If he was a total stranger then what possible difference would make by her telling you? The fact that she will not tell you indicates it may actually be somebody that you know especially since the affair continued for a year. In addition, if the affair continued for a year it seems unreasonable to believe that they were not intimate again. Do you really think he would be involved with someone for a year without intimacy. My guess is that her refusal to tell you who it is indicates that she is still not telling you the truth and still disrespecting your feelings. I am sorry but there is more to this story than you know and I think you know this also.
I wish you luck.

Welcome to MB. I'm new to this, but I know how you feel. I don't know if you can forget or not. Some people want all the details, other people do not.

You have been injured and you need to be healed. Your W can help do that. With D-Day only month ago, I know many WS's do not immediately want to come out with all the details. It brings up many emotions that they may not be ready to deal with.

Have you been to MC? Have you read up on this site? Have you made it safe for her to reveal the details. I don't think your wrong to want to know, but maybe now is not the time and you have more work to do before your W is ready.

Also, you may want to post on the General Questions section as it gets more responses.

Yes we are going to a MC. She continues to tell me that she will tell me all that I need to know in time. I do feel like that there is something else that she thinks will cause additional pain that she is hiding. I am willing to give it some time but just not sure how long I can wait. My mind starts thinking about all the possibilities and it becomes hard to function. At the same time, I really have enjoyed the trust, honesty and respect that we have shared since D-Day

Not - I've seen some other responses from other folks and I agree with what most are saying. So IMHO, yes you have a right to know, and yes there is probably more here than what she is telling you.

I don't think you can say you've had honesty since D-Day. I know with my WW there is a weird mix of guilt and rationalization that comes with revealing the details. My WW has told me the details 3 different times, with the story changing every time. Basically, she tells me what I already know and tries to tell it in the best possible way. Sounds crazy, but true.

I'm sure others will offer some more advice

Hello again,

I agree with rprynne. You are not getting honesty if your wife is playing water torture with you. If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would put up with such crap by your refusal to be honest about the other person? I doubt it very much.

Based on your last message I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that the OM was actually somebody you know and probably a friend and it happened more that she said. It is sad because now everybody you see you will be thinking is this the guy?

Again the fact that you wife continues to hide this from you is sending a terrible message to you and again indicates that the OM is somebody very close to you. I think her attitude would be a deal buster for most people.
I think there is so much to this story that will cause you pain. You cannot have partial honesty. I wish you luck.

(emphasis added)

What you need to know? How about what you want to know? It makes no sense that she should control the information flow. If you want to know, she should be 100% transparent and honest about whatever it is. Some will tell you to be careful you are ready to hear it before asking -- probably good advice. But her choosing what you need to know is just plain disrespectful.

Todd

Search for and find Joseph's letter. I will help you. It basically lays out why you need to know. The letter is on this site in a number of places.

Best of luck.

Yesterday after all the responses from each of you I confronted my wife once again to find out who OP was and the additional details that I wanted to know. I explained radical honesty and why that I needed to know who OP was in order to feel safe and know that he was no longer a threat. As many suspected, the OP was someone that I knew of, not really knew but was the last person in the world that I would have suspected. After reading some other things on MB, this makes sense. I will tell you that if you are ready to handle the truth, knowing the truth is much easier than not knowing and just running through all the possibilities endlessly in your mind. I am ready to move forward knowing that the road won't be a straight line to happiness. However, we have made a committment to work with each other on the MB techniques and give everything we have to get through this.